Need opinions please...

[LennaG]

Age is but a number, i had my son when i was 19 and hes 10 now ( dam im getting old!) but everywhere we go hes praised by strangers for his politeness and charm hoping that stays into his teenage years but we will see! Being 19 means you will have the energy to run about after your baby girl ( Congrats on finding out gender btw, any names yet? )

I broke up with his dad when he was 1 1/2 and it wasnt harder being a single parent it was easier, his dad tried to control me, would not allow me to see friends and all that jazz, when i kicked him out i was free to just be me, free to raise my son without worring about upsetting him!

Going by dates its your ex's though!

Her name is Evelyn Sophia..good thing about being a single mom is I can name her whatever I want to!! Anyways, I really just need it to be my ex's baby..I don't need to deal with all this other stuff regarding the other guy. Ive had enough.

 

[Amygdala]

Hi Lenna
I'm sure baby is your ex's so I actually think not telling family or friends is a good option. Not because you have anything at all to be embarrassed about but because not having people know will make it easier to forget and concentrate fully on your little girl once she's here. I can see how it would be less of a thing, less present in a way, if the people around you don't know about it.
Because you're so stressed about it though, I think it would be a very good idea to tell someone. There are bound to be counsellors available either through your doctor or maybe a women's charity near you. They are bound by confidentiality and you'd only see them as long as you want to. I really think this would be the best thing for you to do just now. But if that's not an option, do you have any friend or family member you could trust to keep your confidence? Maybe telling just one person would be a compromise and would help you process things?

Also, on a practical level, do you have any ties to your ex or the other guy? Mutual friends, a public Facebook profile or similar? It looks like you have two ways of making sure he (or rather both of them) stays away from you: 1.) He never finds out. Or 2.) you start legal processes to keep him away. I'd never normally suggest not telling the father but he really does sound dangerous and if I was in your shoes, I think I would do everything I can to make sure he never even knows about the baby. I'd definitely not put his name on any official documents. If he knows, then the police order someone suggested above would be a good step I think and I'd definitely file a report about the incident with the other guy. You may feel that he "convinced" you but you really were in no state to give consent. This is in no way your fault and I'm pretty sure should lead to criminal convictions for both of them, if it went to court.

Anyway, I know I've said to before, but lease consider getting some help! I'm sure in a few months things will look much better for you but in the meantime, I think you'd really benefit from having the support of someone who fully understands the situation. All the best for you and your little girl!

 

[Fruitmash]

I really just want to put it out there, since you're carrying so much undeserved guilt but you did NOTHING wrong. Even if you had consented to having sex with the other guy, it's your choice and your right but you didn't. When you're coerced and manipulated into having sex, you haven't given consent. If you are drunk, you can't give consent. You had both these things happen to you , you did not consent to sex. Sex without consent is rape. Obviously there are issues if you're looking to prosecute but for your own guilt and mental health I think it would benefit you to know that no blame is on your shoulders, the faults are entirely your exes and his friends.
Looking at the dates, I'm close to certain that it's your exes. Unfortunately, there is no way to prove it to you prior to birth. And I agree 100% with amygdala that it might be worth looking into some kind of counselling, or at least a friend or family member to confide in.
When being counselled for anxiety (in my experience) you're advices with three paths, you decide what you can do.
1) use logic to prove that the anxiety is unfounded (going by dates the overwhelming likelihood is that it IS your exes)
2) remove the cause for anxiety, but you can't do that since it's cause is the pregnancy itself
3) distract. You can't do anything until baby is here, so try finding things to calm you when it gets too much. I was told sour sweets are great when the anxiety is so much that you're starting to disassociate, mindfulness is a great way to empty you mind entirely, or self soothing is great as well. Things that tie into your senses. Films or TV shows you love, favourite foods, bubble baths, smells and aromatherapy.
I hope there's something in my long post that can help you out, if only a little bit

 

[Isme]

The baby is your ex's. Period. If you have provided all of the facts, then that's all there is to it. The other guy isn't even in the running. I'm not sure what else there is to say that would make you stress about it less. It is what it is.

As for being only 19 and the idea that you shouldn't have all this on you... I'm going to be honest and say that dwelling on that is going to take you in a direction you don't need to be in. (I was 17/18 when I got pregnant and had my daughter, and the situation was far from ideal... So I do get it.) You made some decisions that had grown up consequences. Thankfully, you happen to also be a legal adult, so that makes certain issues slightly less complicated. In another thread I read that you were excited to be having this baby with your ex until things escalated with his behaviour. It sucks that your idea if what this would look like didn't work out. I totally feel you there. But that is a valuable lesson about how life as an adult (and a parent) will go. You will be tossed in and out if situations that you weren't prepared for, but the key to surviving is that you make the best of wherever you land.

I won't lie and say it's easy. It isn't. But I can say that (for me) it was worth it. Things work out in the end, and while the circumstances weren't ideal... I'm very grateful that I have a few extra years to spend with my sweet firstborn daughter. I hope that you will feel the same in time.

 

[LennaG]

Hi Lenna
I'm sure baby is your ex's so I actually think not telling family or friends is a good option. Not because you have anything at all to be embarrassed about but because not having people know will make it easier to forget and concentrate fully on your little girl once she's here. I can see how it would be less of a thing, less present in a way, if the people around you don't know about it.
Because you're so stressed about it though, I think it would be a very good idea to tell someone. There are bound to be counsellors available either through your doctor or maybe a women's charity near you. They are bound by confidentiality and you'd only see them as long as you want to. I really think this would be the best thing for you to do just now. But if that's not an option, do you have any friend or family member you could trust to keep your confidence? Maybe telling just one person would be a compromise and would help you process things?

Also, on a practical level, do you have any ties to your ex or the other guy? Mutual friends, a public Facebook profile or similar? It looks like you have two ways of making sure he (or rather both of them) stays away from you: 1.) He never finds out. Or 2.) you start legal processes to keep him away. I'd never normally suggest not telling the father but he really does sound dangerous and if I was in your shoes, I think I would do everything I can to make sure he never even knows about the baby. I'd definitely not put his name on any official documents. If he knows, then the police order someone suggested above would be a good step I think and I'd definitely file a report about the incident with the other guy. You may feel that he "convinced" you but you really were in no state to give consent. This is in no way your fault and I'm pretty sure should lead to criminal convictions for both of them, if it went to court.

Anyway, I know I've said to before, but lease consider getting some help! I'm sure in a few months things will look much better for you but in the meantime, I think you'd really benefit from having the support of someone who fully understands the situation. All the best for you and your little girl!

Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. I keep going back to that night where my ex manipulated me into sleeping with his friend..also this wasn't the first time. There was another time on valentines day weekend where he manipulated me into the same thing with the same guy. I should of said no both times. And even if I did want to go to the police about all this, it wouldn't matter because my ex has texts of me saying things like "I guess ill do it if it makes you happy." And AGREEING to it even tho I really didn't want to. And the fact that it happened twice will make me look bad like I agreed to it, but I didn't want to do it in my heart. So basically, it really couldn't lead to criminal convictions since theres evidence of me agreeing, because at the time of the texts I wasn't drunk...I was just "agreeing" to make him happy.

 

[Amygdala]

You were still coerced. That is not consent. Is there evidence of him pushing you to do it? Simply saying "fine then" doesn't constitute consent, whether you were drunk or not.
On another note, it's a shame you can't talk freely to your midwife. But you could phone her between visits and ask to be referred to a counsellor and for her to keep this secret from your mum. I can understand your mum wanting to support you but you're a grown-up now and if you don't want to involve her, you don't have to. I'm wondering whether talking to your mum wouldn't be the way out of this for you though. Wouldn't she keep quiet if you asked her to? You have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[LennaG]

You were still coerced. That is not consent. Is there evidence of him pushing you to do it? Simply saying "fine then" doesn't constitute consent, whether you were drunk or not.
On another note, it's a shame you can't talk freely to your midwife. But you could phone her between visits and ask to be referred to a counsellor and for her to keep this secret from your mum. I can understand your mum wanting to support you but you're a grown-up now and if you don't want to involve her, you don't have to. I'm wondering whether talking to your mum wouldn't be the way out of this for you though. Wouldn't she keep quiet if you asked her to? You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Yeah Im sure she would keep quiet, but thats not the problem. If it turns out to be the other guys baby, then Im going to have to explain to everyone friends and family what happened and I don't even want to tell 1 person, how can I tell all of them? I've been to counseling before pregnancy and I just don't find it comforting sitting down and looking someone else in the eye and talking to them. Im not a people person, I don't like to talk. Also, my midwife is leaving so my last visit with her is next week for my 25 week check up, so after that I have to find a new midwife or DR, and change is already hard enough for me. I hate change. This is probably why this pregnancy is so damn hard. Too much change for me in so little time. And things will continue to change too, having a baby you can't exactly plan for, unexpected things happen with kids. Exactly why the fact if it turns out to be the other guys baby, thats gonna be a HUGE struggle and "Change" because I have already told everyone it's my ex's. This whole situation and my whole life is messed up right now.

 

[Jessicahide]

The leaflet i posted explained that what he did to you is classed as sexual abuse ( in my own personal opinion i would class it as rape, but i am not in charge) This falls under guideline brought forward to protect people from emotional as well as physical abuse.

You are a victim in this situation.

 

[LennaG]

I finally had the courage to tell my mom about all this. She was understanding and has been supportive and telling me "It's not my fault", however I feel like it really is. I let this happen, I chose this guy to be my boyfriend. She told me they both took advantage of me and the fact that I just wanted to make my ex happy. Also, I do have a mild form of autism called asbergers, which has always made it hard for me to understand communication and relationships...also being socially awkward. She told me they basically raped me based on the circumstances, however there isn't any proof. Basically, it would be my word against theirs. There are text messages of me agreeing to do this, saying "Yeah I guess Ill do it if thats what really makes you happy." Also, my ex would make me "sext" him and basically pushing me to talk dirty and tell him things I wanted him to do. This made me super uncomfortable, but again, I did it to make him happy. At one point he kept pushing and pushing for me to tell him more and more of what I wanted him to do to me and I had said at one point to "rape" me. Not that I actually meant it at all, but he kept pushing me and I was just trying to tell him what he wanted to hear.

Basically, I don't really have a case and if I did try and press charges, and those text messages came up..I wouldn't have a case and it would just be embarrassment for me. Not to mention the fact that both guys would most likely lie under oath anyways. My ex also claims that I "cheated" on him, and thats the story he would go with.

This whole thing is a mess and I really hate myself for letting this all happen. I don't want to press charges, because I honestly do not want to face them again and I don't think any of the charges will stick. Also, having autism, I am very shy and I can't stand up in court infront of a much of people and tell them what happened. Hell, It was hard enough telling my mom.

And if this wasn't enough to depress me through my whole pregnancy, I still am not 100% sure who the father is. My ex's friend was black, so if it turns out to be his, I will know at birth. However, again having autism, I do NOT like surprises. I don't think I would be able to cope. I can't do DNA testing before the baby is born, because Im already 25 weeks. Also, both guys don't live anywhere near me so contacting and tracking them down would be hard, also they probably wouldn't even do it. Plus I would have to pay for the testing, and Im already paying for all my medical bills alone and don't even have enough money for those.

This is all a mess and I wish this never happened to me. I just want it to be over.

 

[LennaG]

I guess none of this matters I give up. I can't even enjoy this pregnancy because I can't be certain who the father is. I wish none of this happened. Im in so much emotional pain. And my ex is already in a new relationship... only 2 and a half months after I broke up with him. And during our relationship he claimed he "loved me". Well, you don't abuse someone you love.
Im sure he will do the same thing to his new "girlfriend".

 

[Isme]

Honey, what happened is not your fault. Your mom is right and these ladies are right. However, I agree that seeking to press charges is pointless considering the circumstances and would only cause you more stress and emotional trauma. Here in the U.S. they can catch a man assaulting an unconscious woman and still have difficulties convicting them. It's awful and disgusting.

I really think you need to try to accept that the baby is your ex's. There is no way (based on the dates you provided) that the other guy is the father. None. The greater issue here is that you seem to be experiencing some prenatal depression which, though understandable considering the circumstances, can be very serious and needs to be addressed by a professional. You shouldn't have to spend the rest of your pregnancy miserable. I think that the depression is exacerbating your anxiety about the paternity of your daughter. There is a very real risk that, even if the baby comes out as you're hoping, you could still fall into a severe post-partum depression or even psychosis. Women who suffer from prenatal depression are at increased risk for both of those... and it is very important to seek appropriate care ahead of time so that someone can intervene on your behalf if necessary.

Right now you need to try your best to set the worries about who the baby belongs to aside, and just focus on taking care of yourself. You have the support of your mom. You are not alone in this. You will make it through... You just have to keep thinking about your baby girl and wrangle this depression before it takes you down too far.

 

[Amygdala]

I think Isme has good advice. But also I just wanted to say a huge big WELL DONE for telling your mom! That must have been extremely difficult for you but you did it! Taking care of your baby is obviously important but a huge part of parenting is also taking care of yourself, so you can be there for your children. And telling your mom was a big step towards that. Hopefully now she can help you find a counsellor or psychologist who has experience with both Aspergers and prenatal depression and who can help you feel more in control again.

 

[LennaG]

I think Isme has good advice. But also I just wanted to say a huge big WELL DONE for telling your mom! That must have been extremely difficult for you but you did it! Taking care of your baby is obviously important but a huge part of parenting is also taking care of yourself, so you can be there for your children. And telling your mom was a big step towards that. Hopefully now she can help you find a counsellor or psychologist who has experience with both Aspergers and prenatal depression and who can help you feel more in control again.

But Im not in control. I can't control this outcome. I can't control who's baby it is. If it's the friends, I will likely give her up for adoption, which will be very hard but I just won't be able to cope.

My mom is trying to get me to go to the police, but I don't want to. It's not gonna change anything and will just make it harder on me. She thinks by telling them and pressing charges, he will not get parental rights, but I don't want to even think of going forward with that until I know who's baby it is.

Physchology and counseling hasn't ever worked for me. I have tried since I was little as I struggled a lot with autism, so I saw a counselor for that. So I doubt its gonna help any. I have anxiety talking to new people.

I have my 25 week appointment tomorrow with my midwife, and Im sure my mom will talk to her about my situation, as I am unable to. Im really not looking forward to it. Likely, I will get STD testing, which I know is good, but honestly I just don't want to have to go through any of this. Why couldn't I be pregnant with a nice guy's baby? one who wanted to protect me and be there for me. But nope, I had to choose a loser who only took advantage of me. I was weak. I just so badly wanted to be wanted by someone. Look where that got me.

Honestly, I see no way to be happy about this pregnancy anymore. Until the baby comes and I have answers, it's all just a waiting game and ticking time bomb. I don't want my friends to continue saying "congrats" and how they are so excited for me. This isn't something to be congratulating or excited for..it's really not. But they don't know what happened, and I know they are just trying to be supportive. So I guess ill just have to continue with the fake smiles, when Im really dying inside.

I really don't know what to do. Is it selfish of me to wish I could go back 20 weeks ago and terminate this? I know that wouldn't solve the fact that this happened to me and that I would have to deal with it either way.

Im just at a loss. Really all I can do now is wait.

 

[SleepyBaby]

You are about to become a mom to a little baby who will need you, a little one who will love you no matter what else is going on!

The baby by dates is your ex's. no ifs no buts no coconuts!

The answers you need are already with you, you have a family who will look after you, a baby who will love you, a mother who will look out for you and the strength to see it through!

Every bit of evidence you have said about who is the daddy adds up to your ex!

Being a mum means loving your child no matter what, its not easy but nothing worth having ever is! You got the strength to tell your mum, you got the strength to leave you ex and move away!

You can do this!

 

[Jessicahide]

I guess none of this matters I give up. I can't even enjoy this pregnancy because I can't be certain who the father is. I wish none of this happened. Im in so much emotional pain. And my ex is already in a new relationship... only 2 and a half months after I broke up with him. And during our relationship he claimed he "loved me". Well, you don't abuse someone you love.
Im sure he will do the same thing to his new "girlfriend".

I feel sorry for his new girlfriend, and i feel incredibly sorry for you, this is not in any way your fault, its even more disgusting now that you have told us you have Aspergers ( my son also has this) and i know how vulnerable you are when you have asd and are in love with someone, to be honest its my biggest fear for my son when he is older.

I still urge you to get something in writing to help protect you and baby from him, just a court order, it is a very difficult thing for you to prove, but if you lay it out for a judge ( they won't be involved and questioned) just so you have something in case he attempts to gain custody ( i don't think this would happen) Unfortunately for you, this will never go away, this is abuse you will carry with you forever, i think you should seek counseling... xxxx

 

[Jessicahide]

I think Isme has good advice. But also I just wanted to say a huge big WELL DONE for telling your mom! That must have been extremely difficult for you but you did it! Taking care of your baby is obviously important but a huge part of parenting is also taking care of yourself, so you can be there for your children. And telling your mom was a big step towards that. Hopefully now she can help you find a counsellor or psychologist who has experience with both Aspergers and prenatal depression and who can help you feel more in control again.

But Im not in control. I can't control this outcome. I can't control who's baby it is. If it's the friends, I will likely give her up for adoption, which will be very hard but I just won't be able to cope.

My mom is trying to get me to go to the police, but I don't want to. It's not gonna change anything and will just make it harder on me. She thinks by telling them and pressing charges, he will not get parental rights, but I don't want to even think of going forward with that until I know who's baby it is.

Physchology and counseling hasn't ever worked for me. I have tried since I was little as I struggled a lot with autism, so I saw a counselor for that. So I doubt its gonna help any. I have anxiety talking to new people.

I have my 25 week appointment tomorrow with my midwife, and Im sure my mom will talk to her about my situation, as I am unable to. Im really not looking forward to it. Likely, I will get STD testing, which I know is good, but honestly I just don't want to have to go through any of this. Why couldn't I be pregnant with a nice guy's baby? one who wanted to protect me and be there for me. But nope, I had to choose a loser who only took advantage of me. I was weak. I just so badly wanted to be wanted by someone. Look where that got me.

Honestly, I see no way to be happy about this pregnancy anymore. Until the baby comes and I have answers, it's all just a waiting game and ticking time bomb. I don't want my friends to continue saying "congrats" and how they are so excited for me. This isn't something to be congratulating or excited for..it's really not. But they don't know what happened, and I know they are just trying to be supportive. So I guess ill just have to continue with the fake smiles, when Im really dying inside.

I really don't know what to do. Is it selfish of me to wish I could go back 20 weeks ago and terminate this? I know that wouldn't solve the fact that this happened to me and that I would have to deal with it either way.

Im just at a loss. Really all I can do now is wait.

Do you trust your mum? Do you think she will always do what is best for you and your baby? This won't make it harder for you, believe me, i know it's frightening as its new, and different and you will have to be uncomfortable and talk to people you don't know about things that make you sad, but please trust your mum, if she thinks you should go to the police i think deep down you know you should go.

Your baby is yours, if she looks like the friend, its not going to remind you more of what they did to you than if she looks like your ex. She will always be yours!!!

 

[Lauz85]

I'm so sorry you are going thorough this but I have to say I agree with all the ladies on here that

1) the baby has to be your exes

2) you need to seek help and guidance to be an amazing mummy to your beautiful daughter!

I know everyone has tried to convince you already that the baby has to be your exes but I'm going to have one last go by saying my baby boy is due on 25th Dec (yep Xmas baby eek) but I know for a fact I conceived after having sex on 31st March (we'd been out for my b'day and were on holiday and it was the only time we dtd) your due date is 2 weeks earlier than mine meaning you must have conceived way before I did therefore it 100% cannot be this other guys as you didn't have sex with him until the 2nd April!

Please accept and believe that your beautiful daughter is your exes and seek help for yourself emotionally! I agree that your ex deserves to be punished for what he did to you but also agree that maybe nothing would come of it so maybe best to keep the police out of it and not put yourself through any more stress!

No matter what happens this beautiful little girl will be yours and always will be and she needs a strong mama to bring her into this world!! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and try to relax x

 

[WantaBelly]

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