Not enjoying pregnancy at all - feel very detached :-(

[MemmaJ]

I'm 10 weeks today and my last baby only turned 1 a couple of weeks ago.
I also have older twins, so this is my third pregnancy/4th child.

This pregnancy wasn't planned and it took me a long time to even get my head around the fact I was pregnant. We had planned to try again in spring/summer next year when LO was a bit older and we were in a better position for it. So when I got a surprise BFP, it wasn't the happy/excited feelings that I had felt last time (or wanted to feel this time). OH was very happy as he always wanted 2 close together, so didn't really get it...

I've been consumed with worry about how I'll cope with two so young, how we will afford it, do we have the space, etc.
On top of that I'm really suffering this time. I had fairly good pregnancies before but this time have been so nauseous and exhausted since 5 weeks and am now so sick of feeling ill. And with a 1 year old that doesn't sleep, I'm struggling to cope all round (at home and at work). I can't rest at home so it's just overwhelming.
OH is now fed up with me being ill all the time, thinks I'm not 'helping myself' because I'm still going to work when he doesn't think I should be, and so doesn't even ask anything about the pregnancy etc.
It just feels like it's not happening.

We had a private early scan at 7+5 which I thought would help me feel something, but because it didn't look like a baby (just a blob!), it hasn't helped me 'bond' or feel more attached.

I'm also consumed with obsession about finding out the gender because I'd really like a girl after 3 boys, and feel so out of control because it wasn't planned so just feel it's going to be another boy. All I can think about right now is finding out and no other feelings exist.

I have my Nuchal scan in 3 weeks which might help, but it seems so far away.
I feel so guilty because I was the complete opposite last time with my planned pregnancy - everything was so exciting and amazing, so these feelings are really unsettling me

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Hi

Dont feel guilty. All feelings are valid. This is my 4th, also a whirlwind..just unsure how to feel x

 

[ljsmummy]

Hi MemmaJ
I could have written your post!
I am around 12 weeks pregnant with number 3. Took us completely by surprise. We have DS5 and DS2 so even though my life isnt as hectic as yours, its still pretty crazy. I work evenings which is hard and DH gets fed up with me coming home looking feeling horrendous.
Ive felt guilt for many weeks, and really have only just begun to get my head around the fact that we are having another child. It couldn't be worse timing, we dont have the space, we planned to buy a house next year, wont fit them all in a car etc, Ive had all of it running through my mind constantly.
I also understand the gender thing, we have 2 boys and DH is desperate for a girl! I would quite like one also but darent say as I dont want people to think I'd be disappointed with another boy. Which I think it probably will be.
I also have suffered with terrible sickness, day and night and feel absolutely rubbish. I struggle to do the school run and sometimes have to lay on the sofa all day while DS2 watches tv and eats junk. Its all I can physically do.
But I just wanted to say, this is the first week Ive actually thought 'I can do this'. As far as I was concerned we werent having any more kids, so its taken a while to change my mind set and kind of rejiggle our plans in my head.
We can buy a house the year after when I return to work, we can get a bigger car, the boys will not suffer having an extra sibling, and we will love the baby no matter the gender.
Its hard to think rationally when you feel so sick, tired, drained and are just trying to get through the day.
Hang in there. Lots of people here to lend an ear or pick you up on a bad day xxx

 

[Mummafrog]

Don't feel guilt mummies, there comes that point in toddlerhood where you've finally got a routine just about, finally holding your shit together each day and then the idea of another newborn whirlwind on its way, coupled with the first trimester crap while trying to look after everything else.. I mean it's going to hit you like a train.
I only have one and this bean was planned and I've spent all day in bed feeling like death and my partner having to take my dd out the guilt is crap and I think.. was it too soon?
But you will rally, you will pull it together and you won't regret it after everything settles down with the new baby. When you see all of them together and so happy

I think when it's a shock there is a big adjustment period where you have to grieve and accept that things are going to be different to your plans and that's really hard.
The love will come, in time. I actually didn't feel love during my first pregnancy because I just couldn't imagine how it would be, I felt protective but not love. It doesn't make you bad. For now just power through and do whatever you can to get sleep. Also you will feel excitement in time, I believe in you both. I think the 12 week scan will hit home a bit more xx

 

[Symphony7]

I am on my first ever pregnancy and feeling a lot of the same things as you. I haven't been super excited even though I waited and planned and wanted this...I just got so ill and felt so unlike myself and started freaking out about my life changing that I found myself not even wanting this baby. I'm 12 weeks today and had another appointment when I heard the heartbeat again it started to feel a bit better. Helps that I'm on new meds that are managing the nausea better as well. I still don't have the rush of love I was sure I'd feel, and my anxiety is still bad...but I'm starting to feel better now. Little by little.

I just tell myself that this is a big thing and a lot is happening, I will feel bad sometimes. But ultimately I will love my child and once I get adjusted it will be hard to imagine life without them.

For what it's worth, I feel this kind of anxiety when I get a new pet too. Even when I plan and dream of getting it for years...I go through a phase of not liking them and wishing they were gone. But soon they are irreplaceable. I just don't handle change well.