Not sure where I fit in here

[KatO79]

 

[HCas]

Sorry again I wasn't on a lot. My grandpa passed two days ago and things just... fell apart. Me and Roger were trying to keep with our TTC schedule as well as visit him before he went, handle my niece and nephew so my sister could have a small break, handle her, handle my mom, do a church thing for my grandma on my mom's side, ect.... Really life just wanted to smack me while I was down.

I swear each month about the time I should ovulate is when all the life stress decides to show up.

 

[KatO79]

I'm so sorry HCas, my condolences

I hope things go only up from here for you.

 

[deafgal01]

that sucks!

 

[KatO79]

Sorry to add to the misery but looks like it's bad news guys I have red blood at my cervix and am cramping so yet another failed IUI, AF will be full flow by early tomorrow morning. Will be calling the clinic tomorrow morning to start IUI #5 but honestly, I've mentally given up on IUI ever working for us and just wish we could start IVF Worst part is I'm starting to fear like it'll never happen for us and that my eggs are to blame I just felt like everything looked so good with 1 egg and the timing felt pretty good.

Sorry to be so negative, I'm just feeling extra crap since I'll be turning 36 and really feel like I'm racing against my biological clock

 

[deafgal01]

What a bummer! That just blows! I hope something changes soon for you! I can relate to that feeling thinking it will never happen.

 

[KatO79]

What a bummer! That just blows! I hope something changes soon for you! I can relate to that feeling thinking it will never happen.

Thanks deafgal DH was a bit sad as well since he also thought the timing was good and everything looked good. I don't know if we shouldn't have taken that walk in a nearby park afterwards, maybe we should've just driven home and I should've just been laying in the sofa the rest of the day.

I know there's still a chance but I just feel like after 4 failed IUIs, that IUI is most likely a Waste of time for us. DH still believes it could Work so he's trying to be positive for us both. Yet again, I was offering him to go find some 25-26 year old that's more fertile and has a job so he isn't stuck with his infertile very soon 36 year old housewife.

Think I'm also feeling extra negative since my youngest BIL got a job not too long ago with the absolute minmum effort and he was going a bit after me yeasterday that I'd dropped trying to find a job after 6½ years of trying, including taking a 2nd education during that time and sedning 7-800 applications total. But he's in music, I'm in biotech and his girlfriend luckily broke in after a while and told him it wasn't that easy to get a job in my field, definitely easier in his line of work. He left it after that but he made me feel bad for being the "loser" in DH's family that can't get a job and that combined with AF knocking on my door now made me break today Doesn't help my narcissitic family is totally unsupportive and don't give a rats behind about me, they just treat me like crap and make everything about them. Couldn't even have my infertility for myself on FB before narcissistic brother went after me with our sister and made it about them.

 

[deafgal01]

Your bro does not understand!

You are worth everything! Job or not! Fertile or infertile - you are every bit worth it! Do not let him bring you down with his toxicity!

 

[KatO79]

Your bro does not understand!

You are worth everything! Job or not! Fertile or infertile - you are every bit worth it! Do not let him bring you down with his toxicity!

Thanks deafgal It just bugs me that it feels like everyone is after me, first toxic brother plus sister (who are now silent treatmenting me, have been since January although I'm sure they'll suddenely write Happy B-day on my FB page soon). My cousin has been distancing herself as well but she's enmeshed with toxic brother and sister so no surprise there. Now DH's little brother started something but he doesn't know my toxic siblings aren't supportive or that we're going through assisted conception (although he'd know if he followed me on FB which I guess he doesn't but he also has over 800 friends since he plays in a metal band). I don't know, I think the whole situation is just escalating my upset feelings over this failed IUI. If it wasn't for my wonderful DH, all the lovely ladies here on BnB and the wonderful people on Reddit RBN (raisedbynarcissists), I'd be in much worse shape than I am.

 

[KatO79]

When you thought it couldn't get worse... I have a HUGE cyst in one ovary so the IUI is cancelled Have a smaller one as well and if it had only been that one, they would've given the green light. So it'll be NTNP this month and you probably won't see me very much this month. They said to call next time AF showed up.

Maybe this is nature's way of telling me to give it up

 

[HCas]

I'm sorry for the failed IUI Kat. Hope things start looking up for you soon Also don't give up! You're gonna have that beautiful sticky bean someday!


On some positive news we found out what date Ave-Marie will be born. Her C-section is May 19th at 9:30 in the morning. This Sunday we're doing her adoption shower and then finishing up her nursery for her.

 

[KatO79]

I'm sorry for the failed IUI Kat. Hope things start looking up for you soon Also don't give up! You're gonna have that beautiful sticky bean someday!


On some positive news we found out what date Ave-Marie will be born. Her C-section is May 19th at 9:30 in the morning. This Sunday we're doing her adoption shower and then finishing up her nursery for her.

Thanks HCas, I'm just upset we can't do an IUI this month because of that big cyst Guess we'll have to do it naturally but that hasn't worked for us in months other than that chemical last year in April on my 7th cycle. I'm turning 36 very soon so that's also making me antsy that it might not happen. So going to try and look forward to doing IUI #5 next month (providing there are no new cysts).

So happy for you HCas, I hope you soon have your sticky bean yourself

 

[HCas]

I have my fxed for you. I know it sucks to have cysts. The ruin everything. My doctor is fully convinced that my cysts are what terminated my last pregnancy (a chemical I had about two months ago) though there was no proof since I did't go in for it. But we gotta keep our faith because those rainbows aren't gonna make themselves ^^

And thank you. I'm really really hoping that we'll both have our early 2016 babies.

Also when Ave-Marie is born I'm gonna post soooooo many pictures for you XD

 

[KatO79]

I have my fxed for you. I know it sucks to have cysts. The ruin everything. My doctor is fully convinced that my cysts are what terminated my last pregnancy (a chemical I had about two months ago) though there was no proof since I did't go in for it. But we gotta keep our faith because those rainbows aren't gonna make themselves ^^

And thank you. I'm really really hoping that we'll both have our early 2016 babies.

Also when Ave-Marie is born I'm gonna post soooooo many pictures for you XD

Can cysts really do that? I think I've read of pregnant women having cysts without them terminating it but maybe it depends? I don't know much about cysts since, at least to my knowledge, I haven't had them before. Although maybe I did, one of my first months off of BCP I may have had one because I felt this awful pain to the side so maybe it was a cyst bursting Anyway, I'm gonna take this month totally relaxed and not think about things so I can be fully positive for IUI #5. It's just hard sometimes to see everyone else getting their BFPs and be almost "last woman standing." I'm afraid I have crappy eggs even though nothing from the CD3 hormone test suggests it. Maybe if we need IVF, I'll find out at that point. Distracting myself with talking to people on Reddit raisedbynarcissists and learning how to use non-defensive communication so I can use it when talking/writing with my narcissistic brother and narcissistic mother (although my bro has been ignoring me since very early January after I told him he shouldn't be insulting people when debating with them).

I'll be looking forward to it

 

[HCas]

Sorry I didn't reply. After my grandpa past a lot of drama was brought to light that me and my dad had to deal with and then Monday I suffered from a chemical. I kinda went to a dark place and didn't even talk to my best friend who was there when we got the news.

 

[KatO79]

Sorry I didn't reply. After my grandpa past a lot of drama was brought to light that me and my dad had to deal with and then Monday I suffered from a chemical. I kinda went to a dark place and didn't even talk to my best friend who was there when we got the news.

Awww HCas, I'm so so sorry to hear that Sorry about all the drama as well. That's why I've gone very low contact on my toxic family, I just don't need the drama right now that I'm going through infertility (especially since they're making everything about them). It has actually made me happier. Maybe that might be an option for you as well? I know you need to put up with your sister since you're adopting her baby but maybe you could cut down on how much you see some of the other toxic members of your family?

 

[HCas]

Too be honest my dad's family I've always had very little contact with. My grandma always stirs things up and my aunt's (though they both a nice and kind to me) will stab each other in the back. On that side I'm close to both my uncles though. But the drama that unfolded had to do with my late grandpa and his wife who withheld everything from my dad and his siblings. I only dealt with any of it though was because my dad couldn't alone. He's having a hard time with the passing of his dad and now having to fight his wife over his military flag after she told him he could have it.

I no longer have interaction with my mom's other than my grandma and one aunt (mainly because she's a nurse and helps a lot when I'm in the hospital). I don't even really talk to my mom anymore, sadly.

But I've been doing good today and yesterday. Only been focusing on the fact that Ave-Marie will be here is 16 days ^^ Wish we could have been pregnant too but we still have time to try.

 

[KatO79]

That sounds like a good idea to stay as much away from the toxic family members as possible. I'm sorry to hear that your grandfather's wife has been making things so difficult. She sounds like someone your family no longer should be in contact with now that your grandfather passed away. It's good to hear you're low contact on your mother, she sounded very toxic if I remember correctly. Yes it's sad but I've come to the conclusion that if our mothers had just been able to treat us with love and respect, we wouldn't need to go low contact on them. I have zero guilt at this point. I need to protect my mental and emotional health, otherwise I won't be able to be a good mother when I do have my baby. Plus I don't want to teach my child that emotional and verbal abuse isn't okay but is okay when it's family, that's a poor lesson to teach in my book.

Just keep focusing on that your baby will soon be here, that muust be very exciting Looking forward to seeing pics, also of all the cute baby stuff you've gotten for her. I hope we both soon have our bumps

AFM I've been avoiding my narcissistic mother as much as possible (although I'll be seeing her for my birthday party on Saturday, oh joy) plus my narcissistic brother and his enabler wife (which is easier as they live in the USA). My sister, also in the US, I barely hear from as well as I believe she has sided with my brother who no doubt has been lying to her about who I am and making me out to be almost as bad as our very toxic mother. I'm done fighting them, if they are so adamant in believing I'm such a horrible, toxic person then there's nothing I can do about that and I will just have to gradually go no contact on them (unless they create a toxic situation where bro insults me again, then that means I'll go no contact then and there).

TTC-wise, I'm still having watery/EWCM (I'm CD15 today) so not sure if I've Oed or not since we're taking things really easy this cycle. Something tells me I may have Oed yesterday or the day before but we'll just BD every 2-3 days until I'm completely sure. Can't hurt, right

 

[HCas]

FXed for you. I hate not knowing when I ovulate but like you said doesn't hurt to keep trying XD Are you charting or anything this month or just playing by ear.
I'm only one cd9 myself but I'm very unsure about this cycle. Since I stopped bleeding I've been having bad af like cramping almost all day long. I thought it was cysts at first but I've never had the pain last this long before so I'm really unsure.

But we're not worrying about it for now. Today we're taking a trip to my dad's with my niece and nephew. We're gonna have lunch with him, then go to the beach, then an art and circus museum then we'll meet up with my stepmum's parents. Haha it'll be interesting since I've only meet them twice now.

 

[KatO79]

FXed for you. I hate not knowing when I ovulate but like you said doesn't hurt to keep trying XD Are you charting or anything this month or just playing by ear.
I'm only one cd9 myself but I'm very unsure about this cycle. Since I stopped bleeding I've been having bad af like cramping almost all day long. I thought it was cysts at first but I've never had the pain last this long before so I'm really unsure.

But we're not worrying about it for now. Today we're taking a trip to my dad's with my niece and nephew. We're gonna have lunch with him, then go to the beach, then an art and circus museum then we'll meet up with my stepmum's parents. Haha it'll be interesting since I've only meet them twice now.

I haven't charted in a long time since I found it too stressful. So just pretty much acting like we aren't TTCing really and see how it goes. My chances really stink at around 6% for a natural cycle (based on my age and length of trying) so not much hope here

That's odd, have no idea what that could be. Have you tried asking your GP?

Hope you have a great trip, sounds like fun