NTNP without guy knowing.

[racheluk]

Hi all,

I know I might get allot of stick for this but I need someone to talk to about all of this.

Well, here goes. I have hooked up with a guy for a bit of no strings fun, we both agreed that it wont be serious but just a good way to enjoy our weekends together. We have been 'going out' for 6 mouths now and have been using condoms up till now.

However, we have just gotten clean STI test results and I said I was going to get on the pill, I trust him not to go off with someone else so there is nothing to worry about there...

But, all my friends are starting to pop out kids and my time clock is ticking away, most of the women on my mothers side had early menopause and I would love to have one or two kids before its to late, I have never had a long term BF let alone someone who I would want to marry.

We are meeting up today for a bit of fun, our first time without condoms, and I'm not sure if I should go through with it? Anyone else in the same position?

 

[mrsm712]

I'd say it is a very bad idea. Its not fair to totally change this mans life without him having a clue -planning on having a baby is a huge decision and one you should both have an equal say in. I understand how the want/need for a baby can overtake you sometimes, but is it really fair on the baby to give them a father who may not be interested in them? Have you ever discussed what would happen if you did get pregnant? Are you prepared for being a single parent if he doesn't want to be involved?

Do you think you and this man have a long term, serious relationship potential? If so, sit down and discuss this with him. If not, maybe its time to put an end to it and hold out for someone who you want to be with and who you want to have children because you want HIS children, not just anyones.

Ultimately its your choice as to whether to go down this path or not, but please think all the consequences through before you make any decisions.

 

[chickenchaser]

Totally irresponsible, as you said 'meet up to have some FUN' not to make a baby. How would you feel if it was the other way around?

How old are you?

 

[racheluk]

I don't think its irresponsible, I'm in a very well paid job that I can pick up again in a year or so, my house is almost all paid off because I haven't wasted my wages and live a modest life style and I feel that if i dont do it very soon I will never do it.

I did have the 'what' if something happens' with him and he said that it would be my choice and that he wouldn't want to be involved.
We haven't always been great about the whole condom thing, mostly when out drinking, and when we woke up and sobered up we continued that weekend without them, he didn't seam to care to much and almost looked sad when I told him that AF arrived.

I think I'm just going to see what, if anything, happens this mouth.

Im almost 28, one of my maternal aunts had the menopause at 32...

 

[HoneyBee144]

I'm not quite sure I understand...you say that he said he wouldn't want to be involved if something did happen but then say he looked sad when you said AF arrived. I really wouldn't try to second guess him.
I understand you are concerned about early menopause but is this really the way you want to bring your child into the world? By deceit? What if you do get pregnant, without his consent, he then (as he said before) wants no involvement, how would you explain that to your child when they are older and want to know why their dad isn't around?
All the women on here will understand that longing for a child, a lot of them have been waiting many years (myself included) so we can completely sympathise but that doesn't mean we all just went out and decided to have a baby regardless of whether the guy wants one or not. If you do want to have a baby then isn't is better to stop just "having fun" with guys and find the one you want to settle down with?

I'm not being judgemental and you can live your life however you want and do whatever you want but just consider your child and how they may feel when they are older knowing you tricked their dad in order to have them.

 

[mrsm712]

I don't think its irresponsible, I'm in a very well paid job that I can pick up again in a year or so, my house is almost all paid off because I haven't wasted my wages and live a modest life style and I feel that if i dont do it very soon I will never do it.

I did have the 'what' if something happens' with him and he said that it would be my choice and that he wouldn't want to be involved.
We haven't always been great about the whole condom thing, mostly when out drinking, and when we woke up and sobered up we continued that weekend without them, he didn't seam to care to much and almost looked sad when I told him that AF arrived.

I think I'm just going to see what, if anything, happens this mouth.

Im almost 28, one of my maternal aunts had the menopause at 32...

It is irresponsible to let a guy believe that you are taking precautions to prevent pregnancy when you aren't - your job/finances and how well you could look after a child is a different issue. What you are talking about doing is deceitful and a disaster waiting to happen. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt but its how I feel. Your last post makes it sound like you have already made up your mind and were hoping that people here would condone it. Think of it this way: what if you were married and you found out that he had gone behind your back and had a vasectomy, knowing that you wanted children? Can you imagine the hurt and betrayal that you would feel having the choice of children taken away from you without any discussion first? You are talking about bringing a child into this mans life and making him either bring up and pay for a child he never planned or choosing to walk away and ignore them. If you want a baby and are worried about early menopause then walk away from this 'casual fun relationship' and find someone who wants the same things as you - don't let fear make you do something that you could live to regret

 

[joo]

Hi all,

I know I might get allot of stick for this but I need someone to talk to about all of this.

Well, here goes. I have hooked up with a guy for a bit of no strings fun, we both agreed that it wont be serious but just a good way to enjoy our weekends together. We have been 'going out' for 6 mouths now and have been using condoms up till now.

However, we have just gotten clean STI test results and I said I was going to get on the pill, I trust him not to go off with someone else so there is nothing to worry about there...

But, all my friends are starting to pop out kids and my time clock is ticking away, most of the women on my mothers side had early menopause and I would love to have one or two kids before its to late, I have never had a long term BF let alone someone who I would want to marry.

We are meeting up today for a bit of fun, our first time without condoms, and I'm not sure if I should go through with it? Anyone else in the same position?

Oh no hun, that's so mean! You can't do that to him. If you're worried about early menopause, maybe there's something you could do at the doctors? I'm sure I've seen somewhere about tests the doc can do to detect early menopause, or how long you've got left of being fertile? I know my mum went and they said she's got approx 7 years. I've also heard of people having their eggs frozen. If you're dead set on having a baby now though, and you've got the money and home and are ok doing it by yourself could you not use a sperm donor? Fair enough you won't know the guy but at least they have consented!

 

[racheluk]

I have been thinking it over and had a good long chat with my guy on Monday evening. We talked about kids and babies and what would happen if i got pregnant with him.

He is 8 years older than me and divorced with no kids. He said that if I did get pregnant that he would be willing to be involved with the kid, he also said that he wanted one with his ex but she didnt.

I do like him alot, just that I dont love him, not that I think I could love anyone... apart from my child.

So... I'm going to carry on and see what happens

 

[MindUtopia]

I think a lot of other people have raised good points, but one thing I think you should clarify with him is not whether he would be okay with you ending up pregnant by accident and willing to be involved if this was to occur, but that he is happy to be actively and knowingly trying to get pregnant. These are two very different things. Does he know you are off birth control? If he does and he knows you aren't doing anything else to avoid pregnancy (spermicides or charting your cycles to avoid ovulation), then that's one thing. It might be unwise in some respects, but at least it isn't deceitful. But if he just thinks you are giving up condoms and there is little chance you could get pregnant because you are doing other things to prevent it, then that is dishonest and not fair, even if you've talked about the 'what ifs'.

You don't have to be married or even still in a relationship to parent a child together, but you at least have to start off from a place of honesty if you want to provide the best possible future for your baby. You say you don't love him and don't think you ever could, but if you are co-parents together, you'll need to have a loving and respectful relationship for the sake of your child, not just at the moment or while you are pregnant, but for the rest of your lives. That doesn't require being 'madly in love' but it will have to involve loving each other on some level, even if it's only as parents of a child together.

If you are worried about reaching early menopause and do feel ready for a child, there are plenty of other options, like insemination with donor sperm, that are safer and offer you and your child greater legal protection (say, if a support or custody dispute was to occur). If you want to be a parent and feel ready to do that on your own, using donor sperm (albeit more expensive if you go through a clinic) doesn't put you at risk of infections (the sperm is washed before insemination) and allows you to lay out you and your child's legal rights in relation to the donor in advance.

Also, realistically, anytime you have sex without a condom, you are opening yourself up to STIs, even if you have both been recently tested. Some things, like HIV, don't show up on tests for 3-6 months after you get them (because the tests don't look for the infection in your body, only an immune response to the infection, so this takes months to build up). And when they test you at a normal clinic unless you've had symptoms, they don't normally test for herpes or HPV (the virus that causes genital warts and cervical/anal cancers). So either one of you could still have them and be at risk for passing them on to each other. Obviously, these are things that any couple has to talk about, but if you aren't in an exclusive relationship, you are always leaving yourselves open to the risk of infection. I work in the sexual health field with people who have HIV and other STIs and you don't know how often I hear people say, 'I didn't think he would be with anyone else' or 'he didn't seem like the kind of person who would give me herpes' etc. It's just something to be aware of, so you can make the best choices for yourself and any children you may have in the future.

 

[racheluk]

i have decided to come clean and texted him that I want to be a mum and that I want him to help, was very nervous but he has texted back and said he would help if I was sure that I wanted it.

Were going to meet tonight to talk it over. Your all right, I should be honest with him.

Thanks for all your advice, Its good to have someone to talk to who doesn't know me, if you know what I mean. No one knows I have this relationship with the guy, will have to tell everyone sooner or later.

 

[Old Bear]

I’m glad you’ve decided to be honest, it’s definitely for the best!

 

[v2007]

Very reckless.

You said it was fun.

Well trapping a bloke isn't fun.

I admire your honesty with him but if he changes his mind he has to pay for his fun for 18 years!

V xx

 

[mrsm712]

i have decided to come clean and texted him that I want to be a mum and that I want him to help, was very nervous but he has texted back and said he would help if I was sure that I wanted it.

Were going to meet tonight to talk it over. Your all right, I should be honest with him.

Thanks for all your advice, Its good to have someone to talk to who doesn't know me, if you know what I mean. No one knows I have this relationship with the guy, will have to tell everyone sooner or later.

I'm really pleased you have decided to be honest with him, I think that no matter what the outcome you will be happier knowing that you were honest with him. Good luck with your chat, I hope things work out for you

 

[racheluk]

Well, he came over to chat last night and we talked it through over dinner, he said that if I wanted it he would help, we also discussed money and that kind of stuff and I told him that I wouldn't be looking to him for anything in that department.

After dinner we snuggled on the sofa watching TV, and did a little BD

I feel so happy, well, off to work...

 

[racheluk]

I'm so excited, we had a nice meal out last night and went back to his, made a big thing of taking the BCPs out of my bag and flushing them down the loo

Then we had a lovely BD and I went home, I cant wait to see what happens

Anyone know the chances of getting preg this mouth? I only took 3 of my BCPs and the last one was on Friday.

 

[mrsm712]

Well if you skip just one then there is a chance you can pregnant but i;m not sure how likely it is! Also it can depend how long you were taking it for I think? Glad you are both on the same page now, I hope things work out for you

 

[joo]

Hiya, Glad you two had a chat and got things in the open. Just think how much of a better experience you're going to have while trying to get pregnant. And you won't have to worry so much about telling him when you're pregnant like 'surprise' lol he now knows that's the aim. Congrats, and the very best of luck x

 

[racheluk]

Hi, Sorry if this TMI but I have had a great weekend, I think I'm most fertile this weekend and we have been going at it hammer and tongs..... never had a simultaneous orgasm before...

 

[TwilightAgain]

Hope you get your bfp soon, good choice on being honest with him.

I was going to suggest a sperm donor but seems like you're all set to go

 

[zanDark]

Hope you get your bfp soon, good choice on being honest with him.

I was going to suggest a sperm donor but seems like you're all set to go

I was going to suggest this too!

Since you're financially stable (from what I read in an earlier post) and don't really love the person you're with, then the best thing would be to go for an IUI with donated sperm!

That way you can have the baby you want without being in a relationship you don't really want

Best of luck