NTNP without guy knowing.

[racheluk]

Thank you for insulting me.

I am not a child and I know the responsibilities and implications of doing what I'm doing. I do not see having a baby as a toy or as something that will fill a hole in my life.

 

[Old Bear]

I’m not trying to insult you, I genuinely can’t fathom why you would purposefully and willingly have a child under your circumstances.

Fair enough when people are thrown into a situation that is unavoidable, but you are actively trying on purpose!

It’s extremely selfish, and what YOU want, not what would be best for any potential baby you create.

 

[libbyam2003]

I must admit, this post has intrigued me and I am going to be reading to see what happens. But, much like how I'm intrigued to see how a movie ends, I am intrigued because I'm not sure if there will be a 'happy ending' or not. I very much hope that things turn out for the best, whatever that may be. I have wanted a baby for what seems like my entire life, since I was a little girl. And, now I have one. My husband only takes care of her for an hour on weekday mornings and I'm in charge of her the rest of the time, but then he does handle our budget, bills, dogs, car trouble, and lots of other stuff that I don't have time to do. It is REALLY HARD in the beginning. I'd say if you don't have the father in the picture, then you should really look into who will be your support system.

 

[Bettydraper]

Although the thread started a little shakey with the lying part, I think you're in an okay place. Single and lesbian women reach these arrangements all the time, and I dare say there are a lot of women can relate to be the one who is really trying in the ntnp scenario (been there ). I've waited years to find the right guy and now it may be too late. Everyone wants the perfect family, but sometimes it's perfect doing it your own way. Hope it works out for you

 

[steph.]

Good luck catching that eggy! I'm glad you were honest with him, I am sure you feel much better for it. As long as you can financially support your child, love him/her more than anything, and are 100% sure that you can and want to look after a baby by yourself (it can be really hard, even when there are 2 of you!) i dont see why people are calling you irresponsible. As you said you are 28, have a good job, house and know what you want from life. I am sure your baby will be very happy!

Will be stalking to see what happens!

 

[racheluk]

Thanks for everyone who has been positive about this, your right about being honest with him and I feel so much better than going behind his back.

I have a support network in my mum and sister, were very close but they don't know what were doing but I'm sure they will be happy for me as and when it happens.

We have BD-ing this weekend and will be every other night this week... fingers crossed for this time....

 

[ttcbambino#1]

I'd just like to say good luck! I've always wanted to have children, and I seriously considered asking a friend/looking at donors when I was around your age as I just hadn't met the right person and I didn't want to put my dreams on hold just because I didn't have a man in my life and I didn't want to settle for just any man either. I also was in a similar position, I had a good job, own home very very supportive family & friends (I was open with them about what I'd looked into) etc. As it would happen around the same time I did meet someone, and we now have a wonderful DD, but if I hadn't met my DH I am positive I would have a child by now either way.

You're right to be honest with him and yes people change all the time, but thats no different to if you are in a relationship or not imo. I think some of the posts on here have been rather unfair, one in particular, which prompted me to post and wish you the very best of luck.

 

[steph.]

I'd just like to say good luck! I've always wanted to have children, and I seriously considered asking a friend/looking at donors when I was around your age as I just hadn't met the right person and I didn't want to put my dreams on hold just because I didn't have a man in my life and I didn't want to settle for just any man either. I also was in a similar position, I had a good job, own home very very supportive family & friends (I was open with them about what I'd looked into) etc. As it would happen around the same time I did meet someone, and we now have a wonderful DD, but if I hadn't met my DH I am positive I would have a child by now either way.

You're right to be honest with him and yes people change all the time, but thats no different to if you are in a relationship or not imo. I think some of the posts on here have been rather unfair, one in particular, which prompted me to post and wish you the very best of luck.

Ooo its a bit like that movie "The back-up plan" with J.Lo!!!

 

[ttcbambino#1]

I'd just like to say good luck! I've always wanted to have children, and I seriously considered asking a friend/looking at donors when I was around your age as I just hadn't met the right person and I didn't want to put my dreams on hold just because I didn't have a man in my life and I didn't want to settle for just any man either. I also was in a similar position, I had a good job, own home very very supportive family & friends (I was open with them about what I'd looked into) etc. As it would happen around the same time I did meet someone, and we now have a wonderful DD, but if I hadn't met my DH I am positive I would have a child by now either way.

You're right to be honest with him and yes people change all the time, but thats no different to if you are in a relationship or not imo. I think some of the posts on here have been rather unfair, one in particular, which prompted me to post and wish you the very best of luck.

Ooo its a bit like that movie "The back-up plan" with J.Lo!!!

LOL!! If only I could look like J lo!!

 

[wellsk]

I just wanted to ask...
You say that he is happy to be involved in the pregnancy, but don't say anything about after the baby is born. Except for you don't want anything from him... No, you won't but that baby will!
Say you lose touch with him, or he decides that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you and the baby.
I can just imagine an 18 year old knocking on his door, saying 'you're my dad'.

I know that you think that this is best for you, and that you have a good job, etc. But it was something I would never do!
I take it you won't be able to take much maternity leave as you won't have anyone to support you financially when you give birth. Then you'll just put your child in daycare? And to me that seems to go against the whole reason why someone would want a child...

Which is what I should probably ask; Why do you want this child?

 

[Bettydraper]

I just wanted to ask...
You say that he is happy to be involved in the pregnancy, but don't say anything about after the baby is born. Except for you don't want anything from him... No, you won't but that baby will!
Say you lose touch with him, or he decides that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you and the baby.
I can just imagine an 18 year old knocking on his door, saying 'you're my dad'.

I know that you think that this is best for you, and that you have a good job, etc. But it was something I would never do!
I take it you won't be able to take much maternity leave as you won't have anyone to support you financially when you give birth. Then you'll just put your child in daycare? And to me that seems to go against the whole reason why someone would want a child...

Which is what I should probably ask; Why do you want this child?

Who knows what the future holds for any relationship? and "JUST put your child in day car"? You may have the honour of staying at home with your kids, but I won't and neither do many of my friends. I earn more that my partner and while we'll juggle things the best we can, day care is un avoidable. I'm surrounded by brilliant families at work all doing the same.

I'm a bit gobsmacked at how rude people have felt they can be to this poster. Maybe you're having a bad day, but please, remember you manners, its a discussion board, not a judgement board.

 

[wellsk]

I just wanted to ask...
You say that he is happy to be involved in the pregnancy, but don't say anything about after the baby is born. Except for you don't want anything from him... No, you won't but that baby will!
Say you lose touch with him, or he decides that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you and the baby.
I can just imagine an 18 year old knocking on his door, saying 'you're my dad'.

I know that you think that this is best for you, and that you have a good job, etc. But it was something I would never do!
I take it you won't be able to take much maternity leave as you won't have anyone to support you financially when you give birth. Then you'll just put your child in daycare? And to me that seems to go against the whole reason why someone would want a child...

Which is what I should probably ask; Why do you want this child?

Who knows what the future holds for any relationship? and "JUST put your child in day car"? You may have the honour of staying at home with your kids, but I won't and neither do many of my friends. I earn more that my partner and while we'll juggle things the best we can, day care is un avoidable. I'm surrounded by brilliant families at work all doing the same.

I'm a bit gobsmacked at how rude people have felt they can be to this poster. Maybe you're having a bad day, but please, remember you manners, its a discussion board, not a judgement board.

Maybe I am having a bad day, and I apologise if I have offended. I understand that people have to go to work to afford to live, and it is a difficult situation for all involved. But the OP is putting herself in this situation by choice, this is what I cannot understand.
Who wants to struggle to bring up a child alone? Who wants to go to work and put their child in daycare (assuming that is what the OP needs to do)?

To me it just seems that the OP is putting herself at a terrible disadvantage to bringing up a child. And doesn't seem fair on herself, the man she's sleeping with and the child.

 

[Bettydraper]

we all have bad days

To your questions, I would. Had I not met OH I would struggle to do all those things as I have all the material things I want in my life but they don't really mean that much at the end of the day. If OP really is in a position where chances for having kids are slipping away, I'd do everthing I could to have a child. Anything can happen, the BF could turn out to be a wonderful father, she may meet someone else who takes on that role, or she may live alone forever happily surrounded by friends and family. Point it, it doesn't have to be bleak. But you're right, its worth considering the possible hardships.

 

[libbyam2003]

Yeah, I think a lot of us might have read this post because we might have wondered at one time what we'd do if we never found our mister right. I wanted a child so badly... I know I would have found a way on my own if I had to. Just hadn't gotten to that point yet and then found my guy. Sounds like you have family that will support you, okay that is good... more people to love that baby, the better! Good luck to you!

 

[wellsk]

we all have bad days

To your questions, I would. Had I not met OH I would struggle to do all those things as I have all the material things I want in my life but they don't really mean that much at the end of the day. If OP really is in a position where chances for having kids are slipping away, I'd do everthing I could to have a child. Anything can happen, the BF could turn out to be a wonderful father, she may meet someone else who takes on that role, or she may live alone forever happily surrounded by friends and family. Point it, it doesn't have to be bleak. But you're right, its worth considering the possible hardships.

Yeah, I think a lot of us might have read this post because we might have wondered at one time what we'd do if we never found our mister right. I wanted a child so badly... I know I would have found a way on my own if I had to. Just hadn't gotten to that point yet and then found my guy. Sounds like you have family that will support you, okay that is good... more people to love that baby, the better! Good luck to you!

Maybe it's just me then! I don't think I could do this alone, (I'm a third WTT, a third NTNP and a third TTC, ahaha). And just couldn't imagine being technically on my own and trying to have a baby, it's so much for one person to take on; having to be mum, dad and breadwinner.

I still personally think it's too much of a reckless thing to do. But it's your life, and as long as you have looked at all the options and you are prepared to face the consequences. Then that's fine.

 

[magic_angel]

See im 50/50 on this one!!!

Huni im 28 too and no children yet, im desperate for a baby and i just found out i have PCOS, ENDOMETRIOSIS, 6cm cyst in my right ovary which is bleeding, cluster of 6 cysts on my left ovary along with lots of big follicles all over both ovarys, 6cm kindey stone and im constantly in agony, i was told by doc i may lose right ovary and struggle to conceive..... ive been in abusive relationships since i was 14 and wen me and my ex of 5 years split i kinda thought i wouldnt be a mummy as i wasnt on birth control with him for 5 years, he didnt know this, i know, i know, im making a few of you shudder right now and trust me ladies you couldnt tell me anything i hadnt all ready told myself. i became his 3 grandparents round the clock carer for 3 years and our relationship faded, i loved him but stayed for his grandparents sake as they couldnt afford help... i wanted a baby by which ever way possible and i didnt care if i ended up a singe mum as i have a family of 300+ so i would have made it work, but when we broke up it was so bitter sweet hun..... meaning, i was glad i didnt get pregnant by him so i was stuck with him for the rest of my life but i was sad because 5 years, no birth control = no baby, worried me a lot because i was sure something was wrong...
I didnt tell my doctor, confided in family and they all turned around and said the problems were in my head, no one believed me, i started to think it was all in my head!!!
10 days after splitting up my and my gorgeous boy got together.... we fancied each other for 10 YEARS in college but he was too shy to say anything!! 3 and a half years later and we are still magically happy together, he was a virgin before getting with me and he told his best mate he was going to lose it to me no matter how long he waits
Now im sad that we decide to start a family and i find out ive got all this wrong with me....
I dont know how i would be this happy if i had a baby with my ex and my gorgeous fella had to see that child everyday, i dont want to have babies with ANYONE OTHER THAN MY FELLA and ive even joked with him that if we ever seperated in the future and i wanted another baby that i will knock his door and steal his sperm so that my children had the same dad, he would be an awesome dad.... he told me he would do anything for me no matter what the future holds.....

Please hold out sweety, go get tests done, use condoms until tests are done at least....

what have you got to lose by waiting for the tests.... you may have 5 + more years in you yet xxx

 

[racheluk]

Thanks for all the thoughts and feedback girls

Everything that everyone has said has been running around my mind for a few years, this isn't something that I have done on impulse.

I hope you get what you want Magic Angel, sounds like you have the cards stacked against you but if you don't try you wont get a full house...

I know this may be TMI but all this baby making is the best sex I have ever had and this evening was the best of the best.

 

[Pinkcasi]

I agree with some posters that rudeness is uncalled for, nobody else knows your situation and this is not the place for judgement, we all know how horrible it is to long for that baby that we fear will never come, i certainly cant blame anyone for doing what needs to be done and if he's aware of it and ok with it then who's getting hurt.

My cousin brought a house with her fella and got married, then planned for a baby, it was all done by the book, then 6 months in he turned around and said i dont love you anymore and upped and left, has not seen his child since she is 13 years old next month, I also know someone that got pregnant on a 1 night stand ended up marrying him they were together for 10 years and had 2 more kids, my point is that you really dont know what the future holds, but at least you do somewhat, your not in heart and flowers land where everything is perfect only to be blown apart somewhere down the line.
I dont think there is anything wrong with planning to be a singleparent as long and you can provide for that child and shower it with love.
Ignore the doubters you do what your hear tells you to do just be doing it for the right reasons, good luck to you.

 

[Honeybee73]

Hi Racheluk

I've read this post a few times and kept pondering on whether to post.

It seems there are a lot out there very quick to judge and take the moral high ground without even an ounce of understanding. if they ever end up breaking up and being a single parent and having to work for a living rather than being provided for I would struggle not to point and laugh at the irony.

Now I am a lot older and yearn for a baby and would love the fairy tail and happy ending and I might get that one day but it might not be until I am too old for children.

I work with teenagers and deal with homeless under 18s and a lot of child protection cases. I see the worst parenting and this is often 2 parents together thinking of nothing but themselves and wondering why their children go off the rails when they really just needed love and boundaries. How are they better parents than you just because they planned it?

Now I feel it's better to bring a child up with total love, commitment and stability and if that's what any of us married or single can give then that will be all they need. Like you I have a good job, I have my own home, I have savings, I have a supportive family so why would I not make a good parent just because I am not married, I've been trying recently (sort of as don't get to see each other much with distance and work) and for all I know his promises won't come to anything and I'll be on my own and I'm prepared for that (this is due to my past of momentous let downs). However, I know I could provide everything a needs and yes it's ideal to have 2 parents but some people get left while pregnant and someone else comes along who takes on the father role.

None of us know what's going to happen. I say make your own choice based on what is in your heart. As long as you can provide financially, emotionally and physically for that Baby then that's what's important.

Rant over and good luck x

 

[jordypotpie]

stalkingggg.