O/T - Impartial opinions wanted. "Go f**k yourself I'm not interested in you anymore"

[Lawhra]

Sorry huni, but your OH has some serious control issues. I hate to pry but has he had an active posting lately ?. I'm from an army family and tbh he sounds just like my bro did when he came home from Iraq .. overcontrolling the things he could be in control of. However for the sake of your own self esteem, your mental & physical health as well as bubs .. i'd get the hell out now.

Hugs xx

You're not prying No he came back last year. He is unhappy in his current place and his future is unsure so that won't help.
I have thought about getting out now but don't think I'm strong enough yet

The only reason i can think of that he has reacted in this way is that you have dented his 'masculinity' by sort of undermining his ability to sort out a situation. [ not that i believe that]. Men have BiG egos! He really does seem over thet top! Are you sure you want to be with a man like this? Walking on egg shells is not a good basis for a relationship esp since you are pregnant!

They sure do have big ego's! Maybe he did feel that way. If I made him feel like that I would apologise. But he doesn't give me the chance to see my behaviour is making him feel bad. He just lashes out. I wish he knew how to just tell me. I have told him before to do that. He seems incapable. His anger fills him and reacts the only way he knows how.

You know, I have thought the exact same thing about him not wanting to be with me. I told him to leave during an argument after he slapped my face. He wouldn't leave.
He told me once that he doesn't want to be with me but feels he should stay. I told him I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. After these arguments he just carries on as though nothing has happened.
I'm so confused.

So sorry you are going through that with your ex. I have experienced similar with my ex. My first son's dad.

I think this will be my last baby as I can never trust another man to not turn into an arsehole

I could give a long list of insults my baby's dad has thrown at me and some of his behaviour but don't want to bore you all!

Thank you all

Just want to say, if he's hit you once then for goodness sake get out now. Being pregnant and single isn't that hard, neither is being a single mum and it's much better than worrying that one day you'll say 'the wrong thing' and get a beating out of it. Think I'm exaggerating?
My ex started off being 'just' insulting...then progressed to strangling me anytime he got angry, the last time I got him arrested as he pinned me to the bed by my throat and throttled me to the point of where I was having hallucinations and almost passed out. This was while I was 6 months pregnant with the daughter he reckoned he wanted so badly. Then he blamed me, saying I 'made' him do it.

Also, my ex told me on the phone the other day that he only got back together with me after our brief split, because otherwise I wouldn't leave him alone. I would have done, lol, it's just he said he loved me etc and we were then together for a year, including conceiving our daughter (again, wanted according to him).
If your ex wants to leave, then let him or you do it for him - and don't look back.

Oh my I'm so sorry he did that to you, that must have been terrifying.
I have wondered before if he could go that step too far. I don't think he would, I hope he wouldn't. The thought makes me sick and I know I would definitely not stay with him if he hit me in temper. The slap was his way of being 'playful'. We weren't arguing at the time. Not until he did that! Even then we didn't argue, I went off at him and he apologised and has never done it since.

Urgh. I don't want to sound like a pathetic woman defending her mean man but it so hard to just say enough is enough when in less than 9 weeks we will be bringing a life into the world.
I feel I need to give him a chance to be a dad as a family. If he blows it he's out.

 

[Lawhra]

Wow you really are good at giving PMA aren't you! Thank you so much for your kindness and making me smile. He is a cool baby

I've been married twice! The first time I was young and we just weren't suited to each other. The second time was to a man who I didn't realise was very controlling over me and my son until I left, I also discovered that his anger and short temper towards my son had caused my little boy a lot of heart ache and I still feel so very guilty.

I hope you don't feel I've been too pushy with my advice to you, but I hate to hear you being treated that way, especially while you are vulnerable. Take care of yourself and do what's best for you and your children, no matter what anyone else thinks (especially internet crazies like me!)

Aw I can understand you feeling guilty but sometimes we just don't realise what is affecting the kids as they can see things we don't know they do.
I have sat down and talked to my son about my arguments with OH and him shouting at my son. He said he is afraid he will leave us when we argue. I was glad he said that because I was afraid he was afraid of OH.
I can deal with him if we split and he is upset. But would find it harder to deal with him living in fear. I did as a child and would never want to put my son there.

You've not been pushy at all, you've been helpful thank you.

 

[Kittifer]

Like another lady posted, I've experienced an incredibly abusive relationship before. It started with the shouting, swearing, insults etc.
He then moved on to shoving me when he was annoyed with me, to pushing me over and finally literally picking me up and throwing me on the floor and hitting me.
All of these things apparently were my fault because I back-chatted or was nagging.

In my opinion, you're better off without him. It feels like it's going to be too hard to be alone but it's not. Is that how you truly feel or do you think it because he's undermined your confidence?

You deserve better treatment than this. I don't care what anyone says, there's NO excuse for this behaviour. That isn't love, it's a power struggle.

Whatever you decide, please please take care of yourself.

 

[LuvBeingAMum]

funny that cos my ex is in the army and is very immature and selfish reacts the exact same way as your oh and has a lack of a sence of humour unless he is pranking someone?! x

 

[Lawhra]

Like another lady posted, I've experienced an incredibly abusive relationship before. It started with the shouting, swearing, insults etc.
He then moved on to shoving me when he was annoyed with me, to pushing me over and finally literally picking me up and throwing me on the floor and hitting me.
All of these things apparently were my fault because I back-chatted or was nagging.

In my opinion, you're better off without him. It feels like it's going to be too hard to be alone but it's not. Is that how you truly feel or do you think it because he's undermined your confidence?

You deserve better treatment than this. I don't care what anyone says, there's NO excuse for this behaviour. That isn't love, it's a power struggle.

Whatever you decide, please please take care of yourself.

That's awful I'm so sorry I hope he would never do that and don't think he would. My dad is an angry man and shouts and insults but would never ever hit so I'm hoping OH wouldn't either.
I have so much respect for women like you who manage to leave such abusive relationships.

funny that cos my ex is in the army and is very immature and selfish reacts the exact same way as your oh and has a lack of a sence of humour unless he is pranking someone?! x

Oh I know what you are saying! OH thinks he is funny and it is funny to take the p**s out of other people but lacks humour in any other way. It's all about winding up and taking the mickey.
Soldiers have to have that kind of humour to get through war zones and the nature of their job. Sadly many of them seem unable to switch off from work mode.
They are trained to be killing machines to the point they can lack empathy and compassion.

 

[chickchock]

Hi hun, so sorry to hear everything the father of your baby is putting you through. Not nice at all, and just so much to be thinking and stressing about so soon to the birth of your baby. Out of interest, does he use his training as an excuse? Because although they do get trained in a certain manner, if they are mature enough they can (have to!) be able to switch it off and act appropriatly in family life compared with at work, though obviously at times it is bound to boil over (though shouldn't to the extent your OH is acting!) What I'm saying is, for anyone with their training it'd be the easy option to blame all their aggressive behaviour on their job, but in reality there are many many guys who treat their wives and kids properly. Don't let his job be an excuse for him!

My DH was a bit 'funny' with me for a short period of time while I was PG with our first (not violent but irritable, a bit agressive and sometimes irrational). I think for men, especially those who might feel pressure to be brave and uphold a certain reputation at all times, the thought of becoming a Dad scares them, and they don't know how to deal with this, or how to express it (perhaps worried it will make them sound weak?)

Anyway, I don't know you guys at all, so its impossible for me to know if the above are possibilities, but perhaps its a couple of things to consider.

What ever the reasons for his behaviour, the KEY is it has to CHANGE! If you can draw a line under it and move on, with no further violence, degredation etc etc then you could be happy together, but only you know if this is acheibavle, or if you or him want that.

 

[Lawhra]

Hi hun, so sorry to hear everything the father of your baby is putting you through. Not nice at all, and just so much to be thinking and stressing about so soon to the birth of your baby. Out of interest, does he use his training as an excuse? Because although they do get trained in a certain manner, if they are mature enough they can (have to!) be able to switch it off and act appropriatly in family life compared with at work, though obviously at times it is bound to boil over (though shouldn't to the extent your OH is acting!) What I'm saying is, for anyone with their training it'd be the easy option to blame all their aggressive behaviour on their job, but in reality there are many many guys who treat their wives and kids properly. Don't let his job be an excuse for him!

My DH was a bit 'funny' with me for a short period of time while I was PG with our first (not violent but irritable, a bit agressive and sometimes irrational). I think for men, especially those who might feel pressure to be brave and uphold a certain reputation at all times, the thought of becoming a Dad scares them, and they don't know how to deal with this, or how to express it (perhaps worried it will make them sound weak?)

Anyway, I don't know you guys at all, so its impossible for me to know if the above are possibilities, but perhaps its a couple of things to consider.

What ever the reasons for his behaviour, the KEY is it has to CHANGE! If you can draw a line under it and move on, with no further violence, degredation etc etc then you could be happy together, but only you know if this is acheibavle, or if you or him want that.

As it happens he said just tonight that he knows he has a temper and it is partly down to his job. He also says it's because I argue with him. Like I'm not allowed to have a difference of opinion or stand up for myself. Jeez he is hard work.

A lot of what you said makes sense and could definitely relate. But there are other issues here on top of those and we seem to be getting to them as we are still 'talking' via text nearly 5 hours after his first text.

He is now pissed off that the night has been wasted when he could have been here.

I hope the change is achievable but not currently holding out much hope

 

[chickchock]

Hi hun, so sorry to hear everything the father of your baby is putting you through. Not nice at all, and just so much to be thinking and stressing about so soon to the birth of your baby. Out of interest, does he use his training as an excuse? Because although they do get trained in a certain manner, if they are mature enough they can (have to!) be able to switch it off and act appropriatly in family life compared with at work, though obviously at times it is bound to boil over (though shouldn't to the extent your OH is acting!) What I'm saying is, for anyone with their training it'd be the easy option to blame all their aggressive behaviour on their job, but in reality there are many many guys who treat their wives and kids properly. Don't let his job be an excuse for him!

My DH was a bit 'funny' with me for a short period of time while I was PG with our first (not violent but irritable, a bit agressive and sometimes irrational). I think for men, especially those who might feel pressure to be brave and uphold a certain reputation at all times, the thought of becoming a Dad scares them, and they don't know how to deal with this, or how to express it (perhaps worried it will make them sound weak?)

Anyway, I don't know you guys at all, so its impossible for me to know if the above are possibilities, but perhaps its a couple of things to consider.

What ever the reasons for his behaviour, the KEY is it has to CHANGE! If you can draw a line under it and move on, with no further violence, degredation etc etc then you could be happy together, but only you know if this is acheibavle, or if you or him want that.

As it happens he said just tonight that he knows he has a temper and it is partly down to his job. He also says it's because I argue with him. Like I'm not allowed to have a difference of opinion or stand up for myself. Jeez he is hard work.

A lot of what you said makes sense and could definitely relate. But there are other issues here on top of those and we seem to be getting to them as we are still 'talking' via text nearly 5 hours after his first text.

He is now pissed off that the night has been wasted when he could have been here.

I hope the change is achievable but not currently holding out much hope

I hope you can come to some kind of conclusion soon, so that it doesn't drag on for you and keep you stressed/ upset. x

 

[Lawhra]

Hi hun, so sorry to hear everything the father of your baby is putting you through. Not nice at all, and just so much to be thinking and stressing about so soon to the birth of your baby. Out of interest, does he use his training as an excuse? Because although they do get trained in a certain manner, if they are mature enough they can (have to!) be able to switch it off and act appropriatly in family life compared with at work, though obviously at times it is bound to boil over (though shouldn't to the extent your OH is acting!) What I'm saying is, for anyone with their training it'd be the easy option to blame all their aggressive behaviour on their job, but in reality there are many many guys who treat their wives and kids properly. Don't let his job be an excuse for him!

My DH was a bit 'funny' with me for a short period of time while I was PG with our first (not violent but irritable, a bit agressive and sometimes irrational). I think for men, especially those who might feel pressure to be brave and uphold a certain reputation at all times, the thought of becoming a Dad scares them, and they don't know how to deal with this, or how to express it (perhaps worried it will make them sound weak?)

Anyway, I don't know you guys at all, so its impossible for me to know if the above are possibilities, but perhaps its a couple of things to consider.

What ever the reasons for his behaviour, the KEY is it has to CHANGE! If you can draw a line under it and move on, with no further violence, degredation etc etc then you could be happy together, but only you know if this is acheibavle, or if you or him want that.

As it happens he said just tonight that he knows he has a temper and it is partly down to his job. He also says it's because I argue with him. Like I'm not allowed to have a difference of opinion or stand up for myself. Jeez he is hard work.

A lot of what you said makes sense and could definitely relate. But there are other issues here on top of those and we seem to be getting to them as we are still 'talking' via text nearly 5 hours after his first text.

He is now pissed off that the night has been wasted when he could have been here.

I hope the change is achievable but not currently holding out much hope

I hope you can come to some kind of conclusion soon, so that it doesn't drag on for you and keep you stressed/ upset. x

Thank you We seem to have actually made a break through! He has agreed we both need to chill out. Me with my hormonal moodiness and him with his temper. He has also agreed to gently tell each other when the other is being out of order and for the guilty party to listen, not get defensive.
I have no idea if he will follow through but him just agreeing is a step in the right direction. Thank you for your kind words


All you ladies have been so helpful and lovely and I am grateful to you all

 

[themaybaby]

I would have chose different words. I think telling him it was pointless once was enough but replying "yeah it is nice but still pointless" after he agreed with you that it was pointless was annoying. Sometime I think it's better just to support and agree with something so small as a football pitch.. Who is it going to hurt?

 

[new_mum]

tbh I would be more annoyed by the way he speaks to you in general, its not very mature to tell someone you don't want to be with them and they can raise your child on their own...tell him he needs to man up and stop throwing temper tantrums like a little child

 

[Lillismommy]

There is no one on this earth that is allowed to talk to me like that, especially the man that is suppose to love and protect me.

I would kick him so far. Hell no.

 

[Lawhra]

I would have chose different words. I think telling him it was pointless once was enough but replying "yeah it is nice but still pointless" after he agreed with you that it was pointless was annoying. Sometime I think it's better just to support and agree with something so small as a football pitch.. Who is it going to hurt?

I'm surprised to see this thread resurrected. You're probably right but in the bigger picture he overreacts a lot.

tbh I would be more annoyed by the way he speaks to you in general, its not very mature to tell someone you don't want to be with them and they can raise your child on their own...tell him he needs to man up and stop throwing temper tantrums like a little child

There is no one on this earth that is allowed to talk to me like that, especially the man that is suppose to love and protect me.

I would kick him so far. Hell no.

We are still no better and heading for a break up. I've told him he has one last chance. He can still be an a**ehole. The day we came home from hospital with baby I was told to f**k off and called a b***h
I have too many examples and have had enough.

 

[creatingpeace]

You have put up with enough, do yourself and your baby the biggest favour ever and get away from this maniac! He really has some serious issues which he needs to work on and you cannot help him, you have bubs and yourself to take care of, not him! Enough chances have been given in my opinion!

 

[SuperKat]

I told him to leave during an argument after he slapped my face.

Get rid of this guy. He's got a temper and he is physically abusive, It will get worse before it gets better. I am sorry you have to go through this. No one deserves to be treated like that.

 

[new_mum]

You and your child deserve a better life than the one you'll have living with this d***head. There's only so much shit a woman can take before she knows its time to walk away, if you feel you've had enough of him tell him its over - there's plenty more fish in the sea! best of luck hun x

 

[veebot]

My husband and i have been married for 9 years. We have never even told each other to shut up. we fight of course but no insults. its a path to straight up disrespect and it will only get worse if you tolerate it.

 

[Lawhra]

Thanks everyone. I just wish things could be like they were in the beginning. I'm afraid of him making my life difficult if we split. He said he'd go for custody. The thought of another woman trying to play mummy makes me feel sick. Plus Christmas and Birthdays will be hard.
I really thought this was it this time and I'd have my happy family
But if he goes back to talking to me like he has it's over. I take any more walking on egg shells.

 

[animalcracker]

I need to know from an outsider's point of view because he does this sort of thing a lot and then tells me things like "you're an annoying b***h and I don't want to be with you anymore" "you are such a knob" "I don't give a fuck, you can raise this baby yourself" and more.

This is unacceptable. I would never allow anyone to speak to me in that manner and neither should you. I would have a serious talk with him. If he is speaking to you like this, either he doesn't respect you or he is a pompous, immature ass - or both.

I would tell him that you are not going to take this behaviour anymore. If he wants to clean up his act, fine. If he doesn't, get rid of him.

Honestly, what a complete asshole. This is NEVER ok. I am so sorry you are dealing with that.

 

[new_mum]

You're the mother of this child, you have more rights over the baby than he ever will. Let him take you to court, because I'm sure he'll be the one to regret it when the judge hears about his stinking attitude and violent nature. He hasn't a leg to stand on.

Life will be difficult anyway if you DO stay with him x