OH is a @#!@$%... so angry!!!

[steph1505]

Hiya!

Firstly, so sorry thar u had to hear ur OH say those things!

I have to agree with my_first... I too have PND and for the first 8 weeks of Olivers life, I was ready to put him up for adoption! All i wanted was for him not to be here... But something has changed and now I love that little boy with all my heart and I hate the fact that I thought and said such awful things!

Ur OH could be going through something similar! He may just need time to adjust to the new family set up... i certainly did! Xxxxxx

 

[pinklightbulb]

to the ladies who have suffered PND, I can't imagine what you have been through

I know there is a male PND, and often have questioned it with OH. But he can be so awful and then flip a switch and be the nicest man in the world... he can be controlling and has a rotten temper even when not kid related... does PND cause this or is it strictly baby related?

 

[broodyc]

Hun, this sounds like an awful situation to be in. It's not for me to tell you what to do but I strongly advise that you think of the impact that overhearing these types of outbursts will have on the emotional well being of your children.

Xx

 

[pinklightbulb]

I know That's why I left last time but I let him talk me into coming back home and that was in November last year. Slowly he's just gone back to being a **** again over the last few months... that's why I'm doubting it's PND as he was like it before Liam?

 

[AngelUK]

While I am not saying this is what your OH has too, I used to have a boyfriend who had borderline personality syndrome and was verbally abusive. And while ppl think that as long he doesn't hit you, all else is just talk, I know this is not true. Words can leave emotional scars that can be much deeper than a broken bone. And just as so many women stay with a physically abusive man cause they cannot help themselves, so do women stay with a verbal abuser. You write that you do not have the strength to leave him. This might be a classic co-dependent trait. Again I am not saying that you are that but it is worth having a read up on it and see if maybe this applies to you? I broke up with that monster a good 12 years ago but the site I used to find out more and which helped me a lot, is still up. Maybe have a look? I really hope you can sort it out, for you and your kids. Lotsa to you and your boys xxx

 

[pinklightbulb]

My dad said he wasn't right today when I told him what happened. He wanted me to come and stay with them but right now there isn't a bed I can sleep in there. I would have been sleeping in a recliner chair and since I cosleep with Liam, it wouldn't have been safe. Dad wants him to get help... but it's a case of accepting he needs help and I really don't think he will.

I wish I could say he'd do it if only for the boys but I even doubt they could make him accept he needs help if he clearly thinks he doesn't. It's not him that's "fucked" (sorry for all this bad language but that's his word this time) it's me, because my family is also that word and they made me as ******** as I am apparently. He really thinks it's everyone else with the problem. That makes it so much harder to sort out

 

[SabrinaKat]

I had/have some problems with my OH and he has said some really hurtful things to me (but I usually give as good as I get, unless....I'm particularly vulnerable, e.g. PMT/AF, no sleep, etc) and I have thought about leaving my OH. I have read through the entire thread and see that the replies are divided into two schools, e.g. 1) leave him and 2) does he have PND?

I would suggest a cooling-off period -- go to your parents (get an air mattress at woolworths and you can continue to sleep with Liam) and tell your OH that you want a few days to think EVERYTHING over and agree to meet up on, say, Friday with a plan, e.g. a counselling appointment for next week, an agreement for him to attend anger management, a schedule for him to help out with both LOs. Ask him how HE feels, why did he say that -- does he feel isolated, etc. Let him get it all out and then, tell him how you feel -- don't interupt, e.g. tell him he gets 15 minutes to discuss everything and you take notes, then discuss.

If he is willing to get counselling, seek GP assistance and/or anger management, then he might be willing to change. If he continues the immature behaviour, then tell him you are leaving, but will allow access to E AND L, but supervised. Have a plan -- look at apartments, check out what Citizens' Advice has to say about benefits and child support, and tell him that this is it.

You can do it -- my OH and I have discussed everything at length and now, it is a little better, e.g. I needed to make sure my OH understood why I was upset (he has never said anything bad about LO, tho) and slowly, it is getting better....

Please take care of yourself -- I had parents who argued all the time (divorced when I was 7) and that still meant years afterwards of self-esteem issues, think of YOURSELF and LOs first....

best wishes and hugs....

 

[pinklightbulb]

Thank you hun
OH was (is) in a good mood tonight. Probably because he knows I was SO mad at him this morning. But he still has nothing good to say about L. He was interested to hear about E's day but maintains the baby is useless I've held off screaming at him tonight; don't have the strength on 3 hrs sleep and it's rare he is in a nice mood these days.

I don't know. I feel so torn. If anyone has ever heard the song by Delta Goodrem and Brian McFadden called "Mistake" it sums me up right now. I heard it on MTV today and it had me bawling because I could have written it

 

[momof3tobe]

I had/have some problems with my OH and he has said some really hurtful things to me (but I usually give as good as I get, unless....I'm particularly vulnerable, e.g. PMT/AF, no sleep, etc) and I have thought about leaving my OH. I have read through the entire thread and see that the replies are divided into two schools, e.g. 1) leave him and 2) does he have PND?

I would suggest a cooling-off period -- go to your parents (get an air mattress at woolworths and you can continue to sleep with Liam) and tell your OH that you want a few days to think EVERYTHING over and agree to meet up on, say, Friday with a plan, e.g. a counselling appointment for next week, an agreement for him to attend anger management, a schedule for him to help out with both LOs. Ask him how HE feels, why did he say that -- does he feel isolated, etc. Let him get it all out and then, tell him how you feel -- don't interupt, e.g. tell him he gets 15 minutes to discuss everything and you take notes, then discuss.

If he is willing to get counselling, seek GP assistance and/or anger management, then he might be willing to change. If he continues the immature behaviour, then tell him you are leaving, but will allow access to E AND L, but supervised. Have a plan -- look at apartments, check out what Citizens' Advice has to say about benefits and child support, and tell him that this is it.

You can do it -- my OH and I have discussed everything at length and now, it is a little better, e.g. I needed to make sure my OH understood why I was upset (he has never said anything bad about LO, tho) and slowly, it is getting better....

Please take care of yourself -- I had parents who argued all the time (divorced when I was 7) and that still meant years afterwards of self-esteem issues, think of YOURSELF and LOs first....

best wishes and hugs....

^^^^^ could not agree more with this.

i had problems with my DH about this time last year (before pregnancy, LO, etc). he thought he could say/do whatever he wanted and i would never leave. in the end i left for a weekend and went and stayed by myself in a hotel for 2 nights - and it was the best thing i ever did. it allowed me time to think and realise that i did want to work things out, and it made him realise that i would leave if he didn't treat me the way i deserved to be treated. when i came back we agreed to counselling and things improved a million times over.

i know the situation is not the same and what he said about LO is absolutely unforgiveable. but i do agree that it is worth asking him why he said it, if he is feeling jealous or left out, or if he genuinely meant it. if you have a plan of action and are willing to walk away, it may just make him realise what he has - and what he stands to lose.

it is a horrible situation and i feel so sorry for you. i hope you look after yourself and try not to get too stressed

 

[pinklightbulb]

Thank you hun And thank you to all the lovely ladies who have posted

Well tonight went from good to bad very fast. Liam had a hair wrapped around his thumb and it was starting to cut off blood to the top third by the time I noticed it. Just been to the hospital where they removed it Feel like shit about it and like a horrible mother. OH drove as I don't drive and to his credit he was good when Liam cried on the way home in the car, usually he spits chips and starts effing and blinding. I think the situation shocked him into being nice to his baby... which is sad but at least it's something.

 

[creatingpeace]

Sorry but I do not believe this is a case of PND...if so why would you have been "scared" to tell him you were pregnant. Clearly he was an asshole before you were even pregnant. I do not believe for a sec he bonded with his first son straight away, convenient you weren't around to see, he is just using anything to make you feel bad. You are selfish for BF, what kind of asshole is this guy? A good day is him not swearing when your baby cries. This is a case of asshole not depression. PND would mean normal before the arrival of your son can't say what you describe is anywhere near normal. I am sorry to be harsh but a day or two later and your tolerance for him has raised to a level whereby you will once again be going through verbal abuse as will your children.

 

[LannieDuck]

Hun, do you still love him?

 

[BabyBoo36]

I'm sorry hun, but I don't think this is PND either. He treats you like this because he thinks/knows you won't leave.

My father was emotionally cold - not abusive, but cold. I was never hugged by him, never told "I love you", never told "I'm proud of you." I was made to feel like an inconvenience. An annoyance because he wanted to watch the news etc. My mum tried her hardest to make it up to me, buy it wasn't until I was an adult that I actually started to understand that he did love me, he just didn't know how to show it. I have had low confidence etc as a result, and fell for men who were totally "unsuitable" just because they showed me some affection.

I agree with the poster who said leave for a few days to think things over. Write him a letter telling him you are leaving for a few days to clear your head, and have a think about what you want. Don't go back until he explains his behaviour, apologises for it, and agrees to get some help. Even if it is PND, he needs to get help. If he refuses to do any of these, don't go back xxx

 

[Karlie06]

I agree with everyone else, I think you need to get away for a few days. It sounds like this man has issues that need sorted and as long as you stay there, he isnt going to change. I think you and your two little boys deserve better and you need the support of your family right now. Good luck with whatever you decide to do xx

 

[MumToEva]

Hun, I can see from your posts that you are just going to let this be swept under the carpet without really addressing it, and it smacks of psychological abuse to me! I know it's hard to stand up to someone when they have knocked your confidence so many times, but it's time to start taking some action for the sake of yourself and your kids. Do you really want to live like this? I mean this in a constructive way, but I am a firm believer that we get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. By that I mean that your OH knows that you may get upset and threaten to leave him, but that ultimately it is just an empty threat and he can continue to take his frustrations out on you without any real consequences for him. You need to stand up to him so that he knows he can't treat you like this any more - only then will he start to change his actions. People have given you some really constructive suggestions on here, particularly towards the end. Maybe you should go stay with your parents for a day or 2 and have a think about what to do?

 

[pinklightbulb]

This morning was shit again. OH was moaning about the kids making him late for work. I went out and had a cigarette before I did anything since OH was in the lounge room with them. I got back in and Liam was crying in his pram, but OH was still sat on his ass on the floor putting his socks on for work. He hadn't even made a move to pick him up I didn't even bother saying anything because he was only going to kick off if I did about how useless the baby was and I didn't want to hear it this morning.

Do I love him.... yes. But I don't know if I'm in love with him sometimes

 

[Amygdala]

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but how can you love someone who would treat your son like that? He deserves better.

 

[pinklightbulb]

I don't know. I don't even know if I'm confusing love with something else

 

[LannieDuck]

I don't know. I don't even know if I'm confusing love with something else

I think you need to take a little bit of time to work out what you want. Not what's best for your children (you can worry about that later), or what will happen if you decide to leave, but whether you want to be in a relationship with this man for the next 10 or 20 years.

Personally, I think the best way to do that would be to stay with your parents for a couple of days and get some space to think. But I understand if that would just add to your stress.

 

[AngelUK]

I hope you won't be offended cause I am totally on your side but... Do you honestly think he will change? Why should he?