Bleeding got better, thanks. Brain didn't get so much better. OH seems to think that I should be 'over' things straight away. After he picked me up following D&C he barely spoke to me all night. The only times he did speak to me he was in an utterly bad mood, which wasn't particularly fun, said he wasn't in a bad mood with me and that he was just simply in a bad mood. I stayed upstairs, he stayed downstairs. He didn't even come up to see me. Not at all. Not to ask "Are you okay?" or "Do you need a hug?"
No and Yes?
Yesterday we went to the match. I had been looking forward to it, actually, but I was looking forward to being almost ten weeks pregnant when I went. I wasn't. I was one day post D&C which is a kind of raw and painful time at the best of times. He told us that we were getting dropped off at Anfield and then getting picked up. We weren't. We got a taxi there, yes, but have you ever tried getting a taxi after a match has let out? Well, it's nigh on impossible. So without even thinking, he said "Oh, we'll just walk."
I thought "Lets see how far I can walk without wanting to die, eh?"
I didn't get far. So we ended up waiting at a bus stop for hours. And he seemed in a bad mood then, too, as if I had ruined everything by simply not wishing to walk the four miles home the day after having a D&C.
THEN, he decided that we were going to go to his auntie's barbecue straight after. He decided this without even asking a) if I wanted to or b) I felt up to it. To be perfectly honest, I didn't feel ready for sitting around all night whilst his whole family get drunk but I don't particularly seem to matter any more, these days, so I went along with it because I simply cannot be bothered arguing.
It's like normal life has resumed, which is what I wanted, yes, but something HAS changed, and it'd be nice if I were allowed to come to terms with that in my own time without OH expecting me to run a marathon immediately after. I had his mother asking me if I wanted a double JD and Coke, highlighting the fact that I could drink, now, if I wanted to. The fact that i wouldn't drink a double JD and Coke before all of this makes me wonder why I all of a sudden would now. Did THAT part of me change, too?
I don't know. It's back to work tomorrow, life resumes, it all moves on as if nothing ever happened and it just doesn't feel all that right.
I know this has/is really hard for you. It is OK to feel this way and to want to cry. Just let yourself. It will be like a release of sorts. This is never easy for anyone, but you have it double whammy because you tried so hard for this too. You are not just grieving the lost pregnancy, but also the hard work you put into becoming pregnant. Also, you just had a sudden loss of pregnancy hormones. Ever heard of the "baby blues"? This is it hon. I got it will all my m/c.
