One Blighted Ovum - One Missed Miscarriage

[CurlySue]

Thanks love. Hope you had a nice holiday and that things are fresh and lovely, now.

I just want the pain to go, now. Want it to end. It's been 16 days since I found out that babies were gone and that's a long time to carry something with you. My body wants them gone. It's telling me that. For three or four days, now, it's been trying its best but nothing is happening. My hope is that they at least give me something to make this last day easier before they finally do something to end all of this.

One day it might work out. You never do know. But, I don't know if this experience means that it will have to 'work out' on a different path.

Only time will tell, I guess.

I would've been 12 weeks exactly on my second wedding anniversary. That's a real kick in the teeth

Oh and Toby, sorry, forgot to reply. Hols is 10th September.

 

[Nicnac]

Oh and Toby, sorry, forgot to reply. Hols is 10th September.

I'm off on the 12th, can't wait.

Where are you off to?

 

[Pippin]

Hey CS, hope they gave you something to take the pain away today and gave you confirmation regarding tomorrow. Was thinking of you today. x

 

[CurlySue]

Confirmation that there was nothing there last week, really, that they may have seen this abnormal shape as a fetal pole so it most likely WAS two blighted ovum. There is no certainty about that but the only thing that is certain is that there is nothing in either.

Another thing they confirmed is that I have no embryos frozen. 11 fertilised (they told me 10) and out of all of them they were all bad quality.

The two they put back, since both fucked up, seem like they were bad quality, too.

Who can have that many poor quality embryos without having messed up eggs?

D&C getting done tomorrow morning at some time. And they gave me some codeine as well, which helps.

Back to square one then, eh?

 

[tansey]

So sorry hun. I hope after tomorrow you can start to heal.

 

[Pippin]

Awww what a complete mickey mouse hospital! How can they be this crap!!! So sorry hon. Glad you're finally getting things sorted tomorrow, maybe you can take this right to the top after and get some compensation or something, at least make enough fuss to be transfered to a different hospital for the next go.

Not sure about your egg quality hon, I'm no expert, but I have heard of bad rounds of IVF and then good ones. My SIL had two bad rounds and a good round when she fell pregnant with my nephew. I've also seen a few stories on here where one round produces very few eggs and the next round getting a much better and successful crop (is that the right word sorry???) So hopefully this will happen to you too in the next go.

Hope it goes well tomorrow and gives you the closure and pain relief that you need. Will be thinking of you. x

 

[Lilly123]

will be thinking of u tomorrow hun

xxxx

 

[maz]

Thinking of you hun. Hopefully, once tomorrow is over, you will be able start dealing with your grief for this horrible situation. I hope the codeine works and takes away some of the physical pain.

Good luck tomorrow - if that's the right term to use (?) - but I'm sure you know where i'm coming from ...

 

[toby2]

(((((((((()))))))))glad that you have some decent pain relief and that you have your d/c booked for tomorrow-hang in there lovely lady
xxx

 

[Brambletess]

I am really hoping tomorrow is as quick and as painless as possible. You so need this to end, its a nasty horrible experience at the best of times let alone the aganising wait you have had and insensitive treatment. Quite worrying all the conflicting information you have had, deffo grounds for changing hospitals and a formal complaint.A new hospital will hopefully guide you in regards to egg quality and i think a FS needs to clarify if you have pcos or not. Hope the pain is gone after tomorrow, will be thinking of you.

 

[toby2]

hope you are home soon
(((()))))))

 

[brumbar]

hope all was well today..... and so sorry for your loss......

 

[CurlySue]

Home now. In bed. In stupid pain. Bleeding rather horribly as well, will have to keep an eye on that since I seemed to gush all over the bed when I got up (ugh tmi).

Just feel like crying really. Sorry to be a moaner. Really am. It just wasn't a nice experience. I woke up in tremendous pain. Went back to the little day ward and there was only two of us there. After about an hour of ridiculous, throbbing, pulsating, uncontrollable pain (with no call button, might I add) a nurse asked "Are you in pain?" "A lot," I replied. "Oh, I'll go and get you something. We can give you something good for the pain."

An HOUR AND A HALF LATER...she brings me a paracetamol. I actually want to cry, thinking about the whole last few months. Its like it's broken me in a way.

Now, again, I don't mean to moan...but, fuck me, I find that horrendous. A bit like the nurse telling me she will give me a discharge leaflet with important information on it in relation to what to look out for, bleeding and symptoms and the like - then told me she had none left so said "just phone if you have any concerns. Someone'll answer."

Really wanted for this to be a nice send off to this hospital, a nice goodbye. Perhaps something to make up for all that's gone before.

It wasn't, really.

Ah, well. It might be all hospitals that are like that. They might all be that slow. They might all be that incessantly awful. But, I certainly feel like I've had a rough ride and it doesn't feel right at all

 

[maz]

That hospital of yours seems as though it's run by a bunch of amateurs that don't know their arse from their elbow. Thank goodness you don't have to have any more dealings with them. I hope you're not in too much pain hun, and you can start to deal with your losses.

 

[toby2]

oh my lovely -you are not moaning, what a horrible day made harder, all hospitals are not like that, that one has out done itself at every turn.
Am glad you are home and safe, if you are hurting or even if not ring your out of hours drs and get some stronger painkillers, you really shouldnt have to suffer. Hope your bleeding settles down soon-from what i remember the things you need to look out for are an infection so temp, funny smell, feeling ill or excessive bleeding so if you still having gushes or anything else comes out by tomorrow ring for reassurance, to be honest it sounds like you are probably better speaking to your gp than that lot. Oh yes and dont drive or do anything strenuous for 24hrs after G.A.- you will prob find you need a good few days to feel physically any better but if you dont feel right ring your gp, you know your body well
lots of love
xx

 

[CurlySue]

Thanks for telling me all that, Toby. Isn't it just shocking that they discharged without giving ANY of that information? I was just too dazed to ask. Couldn't find words.

I feel weepy and sad. I feel like a little girl again. The whole experience from start to finish was just so awful that I want to cry for it all. I keep looking back at myself in Barcelona. It was the second day I had been taking Buserelin. I was so full of hope. I was picking up those tiny little Barca socks saying "I will buy these soon." That was my holiday to begin it all. My little 'break' at the start of it all.

We went away to prepare ourselves. So full of hope, we were. I can picture myself smiling.

When I look at that person it's not me.

That's not me any more.

How dramatic do I sound, now, when I say that I want to cry for that poor, 'innocent', hopeful person that I was?

 

[toby2]

If i am honest, I have cried over what has happened for you and i have never even met you so I dont think what you say sounds dramatic at all. For me, losing my babies changed bits of me and I dont think they will change back- I suppose when i am feeling ok i can see that is what life does to us but sometimes its just really horrible to feel that way- I supposed the truth is once you know something you know it and no amount of closeure can change that but you can get your hope back and your happiness, it just takes time to build it back, the early days are the hardest and this has been dragged out for you longer than was kind or fair but you are still you even if you dont feel like it-you are an amazingly strong person and you will get out the otherside of this even if you cant see it now, sometimes it takes a long time and soetimes you need things to help you get there but at some point you will wake up and not feel like you do today- the waiting is hard but in lots of ways i think you have got yourself through the toughest times
everytime i say anything i worry about saying the wrong thing because i havent walked in your shoes but saying nothing was the worse thing anyone could do for me
lots of love
xx

 

[CurlySue]

I don't want to feel this broken by everything; this damaged by the whole experience. I want to think "That's one try out of the way, lets have another!" I would give anything to have that smile and that hope back.

I feel like I have aged 10 years in the past two months and it's making me so, so sad. I keep looking at pictures on the wall, wedding pictures, almost two years to the day. I look so happy. My OH, he looks so happy, too. I knew of trying, back then, but I didn't know of hopelessness.

I don't want to be this changed person.

 

[MrsJD]

Do you know what? Nothing ceases to amaze me about that hospital. They sound utter shite and I’ll be having doubts about going to their trials.

You will get through this, it might not seem like it just now especially after that horrendous experience.



XXX

 

[BizyBee]

I agree. Your hospital seems horrid and what they've put you through is awful. We know this is difficult for you and we're hear to listen.