One Blighted Ovum - One Missed Miscarriage

[CurlySue]

I am just so sad for him. For me and for him. He's in bed now. I'm down here because I don't want him to see me cry any more. I'm looking for somewhere to go. I want to just pack a bag and disappear somewhere for a week. Not yet, obviously, but soon. I need to take myself away from this house, from this whole thing. As it stands now, I cannot go through this again. I might feel differently with time but this is like nothing I have ever felt.

Like I said, I'd rather it had never worked. I'd rather have not been given this hope only to have it taken away. I could've coped with losing one but losing both has just killed me.

 

[MrsR32]

I know you're finding it difficult to be with him but why don't you go up and get a big hug from him - you don't need to say anything, just be there for each other. Try not to pull away from him too much, you might want to be on your own at the moment but you will need him (and he will need you too).

 

[Nicnac]

Hey hon,



I can imagine it's hell at the moment, but don't pull away from DH. A break somewhere different sounds good for both of you. Different surroundings may be a helpful distraction.

I think you will feel different about another try, I know it's way too soon to even contemplate now, but you're a really strong person, and I know how much you want this.

I am so gutted that you're having to go through this, hon

Big Big

 

[TrixieLox]

So sorry. I can't fathom why some of us girls need to go through this and yet others have it so easy. What gives? Sorry. x

 

[cazhd]

I'm so sorry for your loss

 

[Pippin]

It's okay Pippin. It's fine. Another free go but I don't think I can go through this again. I don't feel, right now, that I could cope with it. J's words just keep ringing in my head. "Will we get a picture?" "I am so confident that everything is okay that I have booked an appointment this afternoon because I know you will not need me." It breaks my heart over and over again. I can't even look at him without wanting to curl up and sob myself unconscious.

It was an internal scan. I told her I didn't feel good about it; that I completely expected there to be nothing inside. "You weren't wrong," she said. "I can see two sacs but no embryos. We call it a missed miscarriage."

I just call it the end, really. Out of 12 eggs only 2 were any good and those 2 were genetically abnormal. Doesn't bode well, does it?

I only wish I could stop crying. I can't. That little voice just comes back. "I dreamed of our baby last night. He was the cutest thing I ever saw."

I truly believe that it...they...would have been. They would've been the most beautiful babies I ever saw.

Thank you. x You will stop crying eventually but you must allow time for both you and J to grieve without feeling guilty. Remember it's a loss of hope as well of life so it's double the grievance right now, your allowed to cry and for as long as you need too. I'm sure you will feel like going through this again once the pain has subsided. I know you think I'm being very bossy here with the 'you will', 'your allowed' statements but I'm hoping it will help in a way, eventually. You can do this again but just not for a while, there is hope and I hope in time you see that too. xxx

 

[Mrs G]

I agree with what the others have said hun. You need one another now and do not feel you have to be strong for him or not let him see you cry. You do not need to think about trying again or making any decisions right now. You must allow yourself to grieve and do what ever you need to do that.

We are all here for you hun. Life is so unfair.

Kath xx

 

[toby2]

you dont have to make decisions about anything today((((((((((((())))))))
lots of love
xx

 

[MrsF]

Hun, i've only just seen your update, i'm so so so sorry x x x my thoughts are with you both x x x be kind to yourself and let yourself feel how you want to feel x x x i know words can't take away the pain, anger, torment, crap x x x take care hun x x x

 

[BizyBee]

My heart aches for you CS. I am terribly sorry for your losses. Life is so cruel!

 

[CurlySue]

I feel exhausted. And pathetic. I feel utterly pathetic. There are no babies left so why is my body not letting this go? I feel like a sad, rejected lover who clings to her former boyfriend even though he doesn't want her any more.

Have spent today in my pyjamas reading holiday brochures because I have to go *somewhere*. That has been my thing. Nothing works, so I pack up and get off, but whilst I am there I wish I was at home with my baby, wish I couldn't afford a holiday because I have to pay for baby stuff, wish I was in one of those family resorts where there are little babies in rubber rings...

I can't escape this. But I can't do it any more. I don't want to give up but I don't want this to be my life. I hate my life. This was the one thing that I was looking forward to. It hasn't happened. I don't think it ever will.

So, where do I go from here? I never wanted the career. I never wanted the business suit. I just wanted the baby.

The baby (babies) didn't want me, though...

 

[MrsJD]

Oh CS, I'm crying reading that last comment.

Don't ever feel pathetic. You can do this, not just now but you are a strong person and will get through this journey. Just believe in yourself.

 

[sparkle83]

*hugs* I cant add any more than the others have already said, but I am so so sorry to hear this

 

[Blue12]

CurlySue I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.

Thinking of you.

 

[dawny690]

So sorry hun xxxx

 

[Oneday]

Curly Sue, Don't be too hard on yourself Hun . Everything you are feeling is normal. I have been there myself a few time and felt the same. It's hard but with time you will get over this and come out fighting the other end x Keep ur Hubby close and you will get thru this x

 

[toby2]

((((((((((()))))))))))))mmc are a very difficult thing to get yout head around, dont know why our bodies carry on as if the babies are still there but they do. Its not a personal failing of your body lovely lady, its a very sad thing that happens to some people and my understanding is no one knows why. I nearly stopped after my two mmc but in the end it overwhelmed me and i carried on, i know your journey is very different to mine but i hope you have another chance. Do whatever you need to get through. I know the nightmare you have had with your hospital but do they offer counselling for m/c?they did at mine and talking through it help me a bit, not for everyone but maybe worth a thought
thinking of you
xxxxx

 

[CurlySue]

I hurt so badly I don't even know where to start. I hate my body for getting my hopes up when my mind knew better. I hate my hospital for putting me through this when it might've been picked up by crappy levels of HCG (they don't DO blood testing, just send you away for three weeks to twiddle your thumbs!) I hate this Grand Maker who I never quite believed in yet who everyone seems to put every miracle ever granted down to (what about the tragedies? Surely this great God is to blame for those? Is he so fucking blameless?). I hate myself for not listening to my lifelong instinct and actually believing that something might come of all of this.

Note to self - you have never been wrong. Why would you start now?

I hate myself for actually having fleeting moments where I hope the pregnancy of our friends doesn't continue because then at least there would feel like there was some justice (and I know that's terrible - but they got pregnant in their first month, how could they POSSIBLY know what any of this is like), also because I cannot handle the thought of their baby being a month old when ours should be three weeks old, their baby having its first birthday when ours should be having its first birthday five days later...

I hate the fact that there is something dead and empty inside of me yet the hospital have sent me away for a week and are refusing to do anything about it. I explained that I just wanted it gone right away but was told no. No, you just have to deal with it. It might be that you bleed by yourself so just wait it out.

You know what? I don't WANT to bleed by myself. I can't emotionally handle bleeding by myself. I just wanted them to do ONE FUCKING THING for me, because they haven't wanted to all along. They've not got anything right. It's a pure fluke of absolutely everything there is that I managed to get pregnant but even THAT wasn't right.

I hate that there is only one hospital in my area that does IVF; hate that it's been five weeks and they STILL haven't told me what happened to the two embryos they may or may not have been freezing. Here I am, waiting to miscarry, and I don't even know if I have a fucking back up option.

I'm past sobbing my heart out, now.

I just want to scream my lungs out.

 

[Georgie90]

I am so so sorry

I dont know what ese to say as I have noo idea what your going through...I just didnt want to read and run.




xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[MrsR32]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with your hospital's poor decisions. All your emotions sound completely normal and I agree with toby2 that maybe talking to someone trained to listen will help you. You have to do everything at your own speed though and trust that you and your DH are strong enough as individuals and as a couple to get through this in your own way.