One Blighted Ovum - One Missed Miscarriage

[hopefulfor09]

I am so sorry.....hugs....

 

[Mendy]

So sorry CurlySue! It's so freakin unfair how you try so long for something and then crap like this happens! My thoughts are with you!

How freaking horrible of the hospital! You'd think they would update their notes so something like this doesn't happen!

 

[BizyBee]

I can't believe the hospital did that! How ridiculously insensitive. I hope one day you have the strength to try again and end up going to a hospital where they can empathize with you and treat you like a person, not a freakin' animal. I am sickened by this and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about what they put you through...

 

[JASMAK]

I feel exhausted. And pathetic. I feel utterly pathetic. There are no babies left so why is my body not letting this go? I feel like a sad, rejected lover who clings to her former boyfriend even though he doesn't want her any more.

Have spent today in my pyjamas reading holiday brochures because I have to go *somewhere*. That has been my thing. Nothing works, so I pack up and get off, but whilst I am there I wish I was at home with my baby, wish I couldn't afford a holiday because I have to pay for baby stuff, wish I was in one of those family resorts where there are little babies in rubber rings...

I can't escape this. But I can't do it any more. I don't want to give up but I don't want this to be my life. I hate my life. This was the one thing that I was looking forward to. It hasn't happened. I don't think it ever will.

So, where do I go from here? I never wanted the career. I never wanted the business suit. I just wanted the baby.

The baby (babies) didn't want me, though...

CS, please don't think that the babies didn't want you. I lost twins too, in October, and I am not going to say that I know what you are going through, because we all experience our losses differently. I can definitely relate to some of the feelings you have described and the anger, shock, and overwhleming sadness you are feeling. Please do not bottle them up, you must cry when you need to and let yourself grieve for your babies. Even if all along you were perhaps thinking the worst, you still loved them, and you still hoped and dreamed of them. You will never forget your twins, but time will help the pain of losing them. I really believe that one day, we will be with our babies. You are a mom, and the babies wanted to be with their mommy, so much. But, for some reason, they can't, and it isn't fair - but it isn't your fault, and your babies love you. I really believe this. Please take care of yourself, and if you ever want to, please feel free to PM me.

 

[CurlySue]

Right now I just feel like i was never even pregnant.

I never felt pregnant to begin with. I never connected with anything inside of me, could never picture it or them, could never bond because I never for one second believed that anything was there. Instinct, maybe? I'd say maternal instinct but to be perfectly honest I'm starting to feel like there was never anything there at all, so it can't be 'maternal' really...

When our friends told me they were having a baby I looked at her and I thought "You have a a baby inside of you." My follow-up thought? "I don't." I sat in their living room and I imagined a baby running into the furniture. When I sit in mine? I imagine nothing of the sort. I heard them speaking of prams knowing that was something I'd never push, heard them speaking of decorating a bedroom knowing it was something I'd never do.

We planned a 2015 visit to Disneyworld and I nodded and smiled, knowing I'd never go...

The funny thing is, when I eventually DO bleed it won't even be that out of the ordinary since I've had cycles longer than this...

I'm trying to push to the back of my mind the fact that I was supposed to be pregnant yet I'm not, that I am not carrying a child right now. That the pregnancy tests might come back positive but there's no baby in there.

I'm seriously trying to push to the back of my mind the fact that there might never be...

But, I'm just in the strangest mood. It's like I'm waiting for something to change, yet nothing is going to change. I'm waiting for something to happen...but nothing is going to happen. And, the funny thing? I don't even feel like crying any more. I just feel like it's any other day.

 

[Blue12]

CurlySue,

I haven't been through nearly as much as you, and I am so sorry for everything you have been through.

I have said alot of the same things to myself that you have said here. I recently bought a book called Unsung Lullabys - Have you ever heard of it or read it - I am about half way through and I find it profound in capturing this torturous experience.

Best wishes CurlySue.

 

[HS Bean]

I am so sorry, that just isn't right.

 

[CurlySue]

Nothing is right, you are right there. Nothing is fair. It took me years to get to this point and it only lasted three weeks. Other people come off the pill and are 'there' straight away. That's not right.

I am trying not to reach the realisation that it might be ANOTHER three years before I get to this point again. My mind can't tolerate that. It can't accept it. I'm not ready to deal with that.

It feels like everything has changed yet outside, life still goes on and in reality, nothing has changed at all. I'm still infertile. I've seen two lines on a test but I was never 'pregnant'...not really...not in the true sense of the word. There was never a heartbeat.

It's another thing that haunts me, that. As well as "Will we get a picture?" J said to me "All I want to see is a heartbeat." He didn't get either.

Good God, how bitter am I?

 

[leeanne]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

 

[HS Bean]

Nothing is right, you are right there. Nothing is fair. It took me years to get to this point and it only lasted three weeks. Other people come off the pill and are 'there' straight away. That's not right.

I am trying not to reach the realisation that it might be ANOTHER three years before I get to this point again. My mind can't tolerate that. It can't accept it. I'm not ready to deal with that.

It feels like everything has changed yet outside, life still goes on and in reality, nothing has changed at all. I'm still infertile. I've seen two lines on a test but I was never 'pregnant'...

Good God, how bitter am I?

I know, it feels like the world should at least stop for a few mins, things shouldn't keep going on like nothing happened, because something important did happen. I am so sorry you are hurting, I can tell you it will get better, but right now it doesn't feel that way.

 

[vineyard]

I'm sorry for your losses.

 

[Nicnac]

Morning hon,



I'm so sorry to hear about the f**k up from the hospital, what a bunch of incompetant w******rs.
It's still so very raw for you hon, and your feelings are perfectly natural, but it won't be another 3 years. And you're not bitter. You're just grieving for your loss.
It will get better hon, and it will happen for you. I wish I could take away the pain for you

 

[toby2]

Its a horrible feeling when then world around you continues and you just want it to stop when something so big has happened to you. Everytime I read what you have written there is so much I want to say to you but I do realise I am not the right person to say it. For what its worth I dont think you sound bitter, I think you sound very sad,angry and hurt about a completly shit,unfair and unjust situation you are in. I do understand why you are feeling otherwise but your babies were there, you and body did what it was supposed to or you wouldnt have got you +ve result-they just didnt stay long enough to make it.
xxx

 

[CurlySue]

Morning hon,



I'm so sorry to hear about the f**k up from the hospital, what a bunch of incompetant w******rs.
It's still so very raw for you hon, and your feelings are perfectly natural, but it won't be another 3 years. And you're not bitter. You're just grieving for your loss.
It will get better hon, and it will happen for you. I wish I could take away the pain for you

That's the thing though, Nicnac.

I don't think it will.

I never thought it would. And, it's so scary to be proven right about that...

How do I come to terms with a childless existence? How do I accept that maybe, just maybe, it isn't 'meant to be'?

Why can't I be one of those people who have no maternal instincts at all and don't WANT children? It'd be so much fucking easier...

 

[Sammy2009]

This must be absolutely awful for you... i just dont know what to say... I am so sorry for your loss.... i think i know you from another forum you were on.

Nothing i say will make you feel any better right now but i just wanted to give you some hugs

 

[JASMAK]

I don't think I know enough about your infertility to comment on whether you will ever be able to have a child with your DNA, but there is certainly other ways to have children. It may be a hard long journey...and may be something you are not willing to explore (my husband and I went through the motions to adopt and then decided against it) but, don't count yourself out just yet. Just because your mind set is not there, does not mean that it will not happen. I think that many women who are faced with infertility for whatever reasons, often feel like it will never happen.

 

[srm0421]

Dear, I read the whole thread and I felt like I had written it myself. I had a Missed M/C in July of 2005, the only difference is that I had a little baby in there that just wasn't alive. I too had to wait a week but please please please understand that there is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. I was so angry and so bitter and just smoked all day long not wanting to get out my pajamas or even be bothered to talk to anyone. People got pg around me and I was so angry too. I had m/c before this so I though I would never hold my baby in my arms and it took a long time to get my emotions under control. My (now) husband would hold me at night while I cried and not say anything just hold me, that was good because there are no words to say. Nothing will ever make it better and I didn't want to forget my baby even though it had been gone for weeks before I found out. I took a HPT when I got home from the u/s because surely it would show up negative if the baby was gone right? Wrong, I can't tell you how long it will take for you to feel better or if you ever will. I still think about it and my due date and what their ages would be today. I got pg afterwards and was scared shitless the entire time, I didn't want to bond with the baby because I didn't trust it. I got very lucky and have an almost 3 year old now but am having trouble getting pg again and have been told that with PCOS I am more likely to m/c even though I had one healthy pg so now I am back to being scared. I really feel for you because I remember those feelings, to tell you the truth the only thing that made it better at all was giving birth to a healthy baby. for you and I hope that you can hold your child in your arms one day and finally be able to be happy instead of the anger that has and will continue to be inside you.

 

[CurlySue]

I can't imagine ever giving birth to a healthy baby. I never could. If I could get pregnant straight away then that might fill some kind of void but it took me so long to get here that I can't imagine getting here again. Not by myself. It just never worked for me and I don't know how long I can go through month after month of nothing happening. I have so many stupid problems that it's virtually impossible anyway.

The other problem is there is only one hospital in my region that does IVF and I have utterly no faith in them. They were incompetent from start to finish and I can't go through that again. I just can't.

Adoption? 8 months to get approved and they 'hope' to place "within 2 years" - if you want a baby then it's even longer. Again, a long, long journey and I don't think I can go through this. I really don't. What I'd give to be able to feel positive but I don't. I never did.

I see no end to all of this. No end at all.

 

[Lilly123]

Oh honey... as a ray of light... the fact that you fell pregnant with your 1st IVF is a good thing and is a good sign for IVFs to come.. I know u cant even think about that now.... but just so u know not all hope is lost... you will have your baby...please dont give up... this is not your fault..you have to be in it to win it and it is so unfair what has happened to u.. and i think your hospital is up to shit! is there no way you could travel to another clinic and stay there for like 2 weeks and do your IVF there?

Big hugs to u.....

 

[CurlySue]

It isn't really that simple to me, Tanya. its just how I feel. I had 12 eggs. Of those, only 2 were good enough quality to replace and those were chromosomally abnormal, it seems. So, out of 12 NONE were good enough.

Says to me that the problem might be my eggs after all and if so, no amount of IVF is going to work.

Sorry for being negative, but I've felt all along that the problem might have been egg quality. The hospital I am at are so shit they wouldn't even acknowledge that, I'd bet.

Not sure how I would go about transferring. Not even sure I want to do this again, tbh...