One Blighted Ovum - One Missed Miscarriage

[toby2]

Curly Sue your hospital are fucking *******s, mine is fairly shit but even they gave me the option of a d/c straight away-wont ask you if you have tried talking to them as i am sure you have but the one thing i will say is everyone you speak to will say something different-is there anyone who can try phonning them again and explain what utter pain you are in and try and get them to give you some options? Am so sorry you are feeling the way you do, I really am-you are not wrong for having hope, you are only human. As for all the other things you are feeling, i dont know if it helps to say it but i think they are a normal reaction, including and especially how you feel about your friends pregnancy. What has happened to you really isnt fair in anyway at all and your journey there makes it all the more cruel. As for the bleeding part, try not to think about it, it is likely it wont happen and if it does there are things that can help.
lots of love
hope it doesnt sound like i am brushing your feelings aside by saying they are 'normal'-am not at all and like lots of other people am here to hear what you have to say whatever it is you are sayingxx

 

[CurlySue]

There is no real end to it. That is the problem. All along I knew in my heart that I would never have children and all along I have been proven right about that. Yet, people expect me to carry on and try again as if I believe there is some chance of it happening, but I don't, and if I DO carry on I am just lying to myself because I don't believe for one second that it's going to work. So, really, it's just going through the motions because there IS no end. I keep going to bed thinking "Tomorrow will be a better day" but it WON'T be a better day because nothing will have changed. And I still have a physical miscarriage to look forward to.

I want that silent, healing cry. The only cry of late has been a repetitive sob that just makes me ache.

I went to see a counsellor during IVF. Wasn't good for me really, didn't help. I still had panic attacks and felt out of control after it. I suppose it helps some people and it's good for those it does help.

More enraged with myself to be honest. And all of the things that used to make me happy don't, now. Liverpool on TV? Fuck it, don't want to watch them. Funny film on? Yeah, doesn't make me laugh. Open word document? Can't write a thing down but this. And I've been doing just about everything that I wasn't supposed to do during pregnancy, drinking lots of caffeine and eating Feta Cheese. It's like I'm punishing the pregnancy for not working. Like I am in defiant mode and I can't get out of it.

Someone told me last night "They might see a heartbeat next week, you never know." There isn't a fucking baby any more, how can there be a heartbeat? The anger came recently. It's biting and it's dreadful and I honestly feel like there is nobody I can talk to because there is nobody I know who has been through this. My best friend has had two abortions so how can I let it all out with her when all I want to do is scream at her for being so irresponsible and for throwing away and killing something that I would've loved? Seems ironic now, really. We are both two babies down.

I'm so sorry for dumping all this here. I am just so lost.

 

[toby2]

Thats what here is for, nobody is the same as you but there are lots of people here who can relate to some parts of what has happened.Tomorrow wont always be a better day but quite often its a different one-you will find a way through this, some people will help you and some will anoy the crap out of you. Doing it here is so much better than doing it on your own, it can be a lonely time. I dont know how long it will take for your anger to pass or get to the point where its occasional but it will even if it doesnt feel like it. To me you sound like you know yourself very well-you talk about writing, maybe writing how you are feeling-here or where ever will be a help to you, its better than keeping it in your head
((((((((((((()))))))))))))))

 

[readyforbaby]

So sorry for your losses. It is definitely difficult to believe that things happen for a reason when something so cruel happens. It just doesn't make sense. I lost my dad and my first pregnancy this year and I can't understand why and how this is happening, but know you are not alone in your void and that there is a lot of love here at BnB and many who understand such a tragedy. I do think you need to feel how it happens, there is no magical thing, but there is a light to hopefully reach. I am truly sorry for your loss.

 

[CurlySue]

I could write and write and write. It wouldn't begin to touch what I feel, this anger, this resentment, this utter fucking hatred for just about everything. I don't have a child. I will most likely never have a child. I don't have a two year old I can pick up and cuddle and give all of my love to because I have too much. I don't have a four year old I can pat on the head and think "Oh well, at least I still have you." I don't have a ten year old I can hug and kiss and tell them how proud I am of them.

This makes me bitter, too.

That I don't have what other people have.

That I may never have it.

How the fuck is that fair?

You see? i shouldn't write anything down. It just ends up like this.

 

[peartree]

CS, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I hope you and DH will be able to help each other through this.

I can't believe the hospital is being so incompetent with regards to communication and I can't believe they're being so f***ing insensitive! Is there an option to go private for d&c?

*hugs*

 

[CurlySue]

It would be the same hospital. There is only one in my area for private or non-private. I DO find that insensitive. It's just another thing in a long list of fuck ups they have made in relation to all of this.

One thing I know for sure is that I seriously want to go elsewhere. I'd love to move to another city, get better treatment somewhere else, because this has been awful from the start. I am an emotional wreck because of them.

 

[Kelly9]

I sincerely hope that things get better for you. It breaks my heart to read your posts and think of what you are going through but don't feel bad for how your "writing" turns out that is what we are here for, to keep give you as much strength as you need and to pull you back from the highest and of ledges. Let it out we'll always be here no matter what.

 

[Nathyrra]

Oh no, how heartbreaking...

How very unfair is this life that takes away so cruelly from people who deserve it most.. I cannot believe it. I really can't. It's just not fair.

You really don't need this added stress of your incompetent hospital. What bloody tools they are. There's been countless ocassions they could have made this a little easier for you and they haven't. You have every right to be angry at this situation. I don't know what to say, I feel angry for you..

I cannot believe some people swan through life without a scratch whilst others have to endure crap at every bloody turn. It's so unjust.

If you need someone to talk to, or unleash your anger on without worrying about what other people think you know where I am.. I'll always listen..

Thinking of you

 

[CurlySue]

I just don't know what to say any more. This is just not fair. I might sound like a spoiled brat saying that but...why do I deserve this when these "first month off the pill" people just sail through? What have I done to deserve this when there are undeserving people all over that get pregnant not problems whatsoever and sail through their pregnancies without a scratch or a mark?

I feel like we are experiments; that there IS some Higher Being up there using us as his own miserable puppets. People to be made examples of.

"Oh, don't worry. You could be like poor [insert name] - you wouldn't want that, would you?"

We are the examples. It's not unlucky, it's just plain cruel.

 

[Farie]

oh honey, thinking of you

 

[Nathyrra]

There's no justification why =( That's the hardest thing to deal with. Some people get everything they want, some people don't. There's no great life lessons to be learnt from it. It's just a cruel sack of BS.

If and when you ever feel strong enough to go through IVF again and are considering private in another country. Germany has a good standard of care and you'd be very welcome to stay with us..

I wish there was a way to take at least some of the pain off your shoulders for you.

 

[CurlySue]

OH MY FUCKING GOD

I just got a letter off the hospital, sent by FIRST CLASS RECORDED DELIVERY POST yesterday. What do you think it was offering me?

A twelve week scan and ante natal care.

Sent yesterday.

The day after they told me at the SEVEN week scan I was miscarrying.

 

[Farie]

What a bloody joke, that is awful
So sorry honey you did not deserve this to compound your hurt.

 

[oliveoyl]

Oh no - how insensitive! I'm so sorry

 

[krissi]

Hun that is terrible they should learn to bloody communicate x

 

[JASMAK]

Sorry for your losses hon.

 

[babymaybe]

Curly Sue - I don't know what to say other than I'm so very sorry.

 

[peartree]

OMG.... I'm so angry for you! Yet another f**k up in their long list of incompetencies. I'm so sorry you have to go through extra pain because of numpties.

Where are you based, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Lilly123]

Im so so sorry hun.. i am crying for your pain.... my thoughts are with you and Oh