over 35 TTC #1. anyone? beuller?

[Cornfieldland]

Annie I had a epidural the first time and didn't feel much. The second time the nurse told me I would have to get a catheter put in if I wanted one. So I said no way! I want a epidural that takes the edge off, not paralyzes me and I can't feel my legs. So if there's a next time, it will depend if they can do one without paralyzing me. I felt everything the second time and it hurt but I survived. But also my baby's were 5 and 6 pounds so...I would be scared to have a 8lb baby.
Annie that video scares me too...I don't remember birth being so dramatic or graphic hehe..At least at a hospital you have everyone cleaning you up.

 

[AnnieMac2]

Haha - I would love if one of you two post tonight that a baby fell out in the bath tub lol.

I'm kind of the perfect distance from my family (other than the other side of the world). It's 45 min - hour. So there's no random dropping in, but if they visit me it's too close to stay overnight. Haha. I'll always live in this exact radius from them.

That's awesome that Prozac could be working. You could absolutely be getting some good side effects like an energy boost immediately, even though the long-term SSRI effect hasn't changed your brain chemistry yet. How perfect that you may have found the right drug/dose combo on the first try! Fingers crossed!

One upside of being an emotional weirdo is that the days have kind of flown for me this past week to 5dpo, but time has now ground to a halt and I've started reading into "symptoms." Lol - embarrassing but entertaining story. I almost pooped my pants out of nowhere a few hours ago. I was in the yard and SCREAMING for the dog to come so we could go in the house. Like totally panicked shrieking. I'm so appalled with myself lol. I had to run up 3 flights of stairs too. I had just eaten a yogurt and when I was pregnant it was like I developed fake lactose intolerance. But I'm being delusional at 5dpo. I just texted my dh, SIL, and BIL about it, because 2 weeks ago we trading embarrassing stories and I was crying laughing at the table.

How's the temping going? I found my thermometer in plain view. Maybe next month.

 

[AnnieMac2]

Corn - we have massive babies in both our families so I am screwed! My husband and brother needed custom football helmets lol. I even wear men's knit hats lol. Thank god my head doesn't look as big as it is - maybe it looks like I have voluminous hair. We were all between 8'9 to 10+! I'm a little nervous of epidurals after the birth I witnessed. She couldn't feel if she was pushing or not and was getting distressed and exhausted. I'm so afraid of getting too exhausted and needing a c-section unnecessarily. This massage therapist is like Yoda, so maybe I'll bring her in. She said she doesn't hover the entire time.

That kind of reassures me that you weren't too traumatized, Although I hear the memory fades :/ I have a massively high pain tolerance, but this has got to be a whole new world of pain.

 

[Libbystepof4]

I have a low pain tolerance. I like the idea of being able to feel what's happening because I feel like you would feel a little more in control, but then you would FEEL what was happening! I'm certain I will need drugs.
I'm reading symptoms, too, Annie. My boobs smell weird. I dont know how to explain but its like they have their own different odor all of a sudden. And I felt crampy yesterday. Not bad, just little crampy. And my boobs hurt. Today I noticed one of my boobs doesn't fit my bra. I'm getting double boob, but only on one side. Its all stuff that could be PMS. And its confusing. My mom said when she was about my age all her PMS and period changed drastically. So idk if that could be happening.
I just got home from dropping my babies off with their mother. I cried. They didn't want to go but I have no right to keep them. One of them told me I am a better mommy that their real mommy. It hurts my heart for them to think that. Every little kid should think their mother is the best thing to hit the earth. Most do. They seem to become more aware all the time of the material differences between their mothers house and our house. She loves them. She's just so self involved that she doesn't even see where she is so wrong so much of the time. I'm having a hard time this afternoon.

 

[Cornfieldland]

I have a high pain tolerance too. Funny story, the second time I caved and had a epidural at the last minute because they were pressuring me to with my high blood pressure. They threaded it wrong the first time and the second time it did nothing. The nurse kept asking me every contraction how's that feel? I was like...it still hurts. She's like, well that's just pressure not pain. The next contraction was super intense and I felt the baby moving down my birth canal and I screamed while pointing to my crotch, Something's going on down there! Something's going on down there, this isn't pressure it's pain! She checked and was like...oh ya there the head. Well I only pushed twice and he came out.
Annie I have a big head too haha....but was a small baby. We will see if my husband gives me a crotch ripper.

 

[AnnieMac2]

Aw, I'm sorry Libby. That must be so, so hard to drop kids off like that. And my heart aches for them that they're feeling so stressed and conflicted. And it sounds like it would just be nicer for everyone if custody was reversed. Even their mom maybe if she's not up for the task right now? What's their home life like? Sort of semi-neglected? She's kind of a party-er right?

But you did make me laugh, I just smelled my boobs. Is that a symptom? It seems like your body has a lot going on right now. I'm hopeful for you! My boobs got way bigger when I was pregnant. Although, I've noticed my body has been changing quite a bit the last few years. A little bit more womanly I guess. I was sort of a boyish stick figure up until 32. And then my periods got heavier. Probably healthier now aside from being out of shape from sitting around post-surgeries. I get what your mom is saying.

Oh my gosh, you only pushed twice and that was it, Corn? God I hope that happens to me if I'm lucky enough to get that far.

Random, but my therapist gave me an interesting idea. I can't seem to relax even when I do enjoyable stuff. Head's always spinning. She said try watching documentaries when I'm really spiraling. Kind of gets you out of your head and realizing there's an interesting world, fascinating people, and bigger issues than yourself. Just a very practical thing for me to try. I can't seem to find a good volunteer organization match right now. Liked the pregnant refugee mentoring thing, but I don't want to commit and then find it's too much. I sort of feel disconnected from their pregnancies though somehow. Alright, time to set up a Netflix queue.

 

[Cornfieldland]

Oh Libby sorry you have to deal with the emotional stress of leaving the kids. It's so sad when kids are torn between mom and dad and one parent is neglectful. Poor baby's!

Symptom spotting time! Poppy pants and smelly boob's! Those are crazy symptoms ha!
Last time I could tell at 6dpo that I we implanting with weird twinges, then I had to pee bad in the mornings.

 

[Libbystepof4]

Yeah honestly, I think she would be happier if she didn't have them full time, but she would never admit that. Its hard to let them go back, but we have to. And yes, it is unstable and there is the aaaaaalmost neglect going on. We have to say something every once in a while to get them to snap back to paying attention. I think they tell the kids not to tell us things because when we do something extra cool the kids ask if they can tell their mommy. And every time they ask we tell them that "of course! You can tell mommy anything we do at our house!". Of course they can because we dont talk shit about them and endanger the kids.
Yeah idk if the boob smell is a thing. And for all I know they always have their own smell and I just finally caught whiff. It wasn't a bad smell. Idk. Lol. I have had big boobs since 4th grade. Literally. Overnight I went from little girl to having to wear a bra in 4th grade. Worst thing ever. By the time I was 12 I had a body like Meagan Fox. So unfortunate. It attracted much older fellows and caused me to permanently be on guard.
Watching documentaries actually sounds like a really good idea! I think that's excellent.

 

[AnnieMac2]

How's everyone feeling today?

So is it just the kids and their mom over there? Does the grandma that you talked about live there too? That is so weird that they ask permission to talk about their weekend. They must be told all the time to keep stuff from you. How stressful. Does your husband deal with it well?

One of my friends had a super model body as of 5th grade. It sucks that she can't enjoy being gorgeous because creeps have been making her feel weird about herself since day one.

 

[Libbystepof4]

Yes their grandmother and grandfather live there, too. The grandfather is the closest to normal out of the whole bunch, and he's a felon!! I think he was part of some hippie biker gang when they were young and did time for drugs. Point being, not a violent crime. He seems to just wish he could get away from them all but is stuck. The grandmother is just the craziest, worst person ever. Nora called and asked if she could keep girl child home one weekend because she had strep throat. I said yes because I thought she would be more comfortable and get more rest without the boys there being crazy and loud. The grandmother told the child that she wasn't allowed to come here because we won't take care of her. When she told us that her grandmother had said that she was so upset and confused. The only ones hurt by her behavior are the kids that she claims to love. I dont care what random untrue crap she decides to think about us, but the kids do, and its not fair.
DH occasionally explains to the kids that they can always talk to ctheir mommy about things we do and talk about at our house because we dont do anything wrong. And then he tells them that if anybody tells them not to tell him or me or mommy things then that person is doing something wrong and we need to know. One time violet asked "even if mommy tells us not to tell you something?" DH got upset and scared her out of continuing her thoughts. He doesn't realize he gets all intense sometimes. She later told me that her mommy yells at her a lot and makes her cry and that she's not supposed to tell daddy that.

Yeah getting hit on by 40 year old men when you're 14 is frightening and it makes you scared of men altogether.

How are you guys? Any news to report?

 

[Cornfieldland]

Hi guys...busy day at work today I'm beat.
I am so hormonal one day I'm happy the next I'm bummed I'm all over the place. Sunday night I wasn't sure if I wanted to BD, and now I'm worried I didn't BD enough...shoot me now. I know if I'm not pregnant I'll be sad. I feel like I need to get pregnant before my due date or I'll be so depressed and I'm tired of being sad. And I have 2 cycles including this one. Anyways out of my control right? 1 or 2 dpo yawn... You two are ahead of me. How long are your cycles? Mines usually 28-30days.

 

[AnnieMac2]

They sound awful. And exactly the same as the grandparents and mother of my ex's child. It's crazy. Are you sure they're not in Boston and her name's not Amanda?

Nothing much to report. I think we're solidly in the tww wasteland. I just noticed that Father's Day is the 21st and times up perfectly with bfp time. I always slack on doing cute things (I think he's cutsie-er than me haha), but if we get one I'll save the news for Father's Day. I think he would like that.

 

[AnnieMac2]

I didn't see your post, Corn. I never tracked well, but of the few months on FF, they're 29-31. Aside from the random 26-er after the mc.

I'm afraid we didn't have sex often enough either. I am definitely relying too much on targeting with opk's. But our sex life is rebounding a bit, so next month will probably be better. I get the anxiousness to "beat" that due date though, Corn. It seems like a lot of women on here are feeling that way. Including me. It's odd that we all fixate on it. We've got to let it go though. XOXO

Have you guys heard anything about those (ridiculously expensive) fertility monitors? I might check one out if this month doesn't go well. I can't imagine forking over money for one, but it will be cheaper than a divorce attorney when my husband gets sick of all the crazy I throw at him while ttc

 

[Cornfieldland]

Aww...Libby stress to the max! Family can be a blessing or a curse! Sounds like the ex from hell. Your husbands lucky he found a wonderful person like you that loves him enough to put up with that and also loves his kids. I feel like that about my husband, so lucky to find a loving kind man that loves me and my kids. I only see my ex once a year an if I had to do it every month I would be totally stressed. I'm sorry : (

Annie your right I need to "let it go" it's the only way to be happy. I can't keep dwelling on the past and what should have been. I have to try to be more positive. I'll start today ; )

Cars in the shop hope it's not going to be $$$$$$$ making a loud noise. Boo cars!

 

[AnnieMac2]

That wasn't meant to put pressure on you Corn! I was just noticing how that that due date anxiety is such a "thing" with all of us. Haha I don't know how to let it go either

 

[Libbystepof4]

Y'all I'm seriously over this. I keep having dreams about having babies and e erything goes terribly wrong. And dreams where DH is being super mean to me. And I guess its all just from the stress and wanting, but I woke up yelling at him this morning about stickers on my hands and telling me I was just being difficult. (Crap from a dream I was having when he woke me up).
I always think we didn't BD enough, too. But we do it as much as I can rally myself. I just dont know. My mind is so mean to me sometimes. Its always back there saying its not enough or missing that prenatal yesterday is going to prevent having a baby.
I'm sorry you guys are having due date stress. I can't imagine. I hope that you both get BFPs this month.

 

[Cornfieldland]

We are all suffering from crazy voices in our head.

I know what you were saying Annie no worries. I need a kick in the pants sometimes : ) I'm going to try to have a positive day.

Random thought. Wouldn't it suck to be a sister wife lol?! Trying to get pregnant on your night with the husband. Him worn out from doing it every night with a different wife. The jealousy when someone gets pregnant oh lord have mercy on those poor women!

I had a dream once that I was a sister wife to my husband and there was three of us. Me, Heidi Klum, and a girl from hell's kitchen haha.. I was like back of bitch he's mine!

 

[Libbystepof4]

Haha!! That's funny!
Yeah being a sister wife would suck. I am way too jealous for that. I dont know how thosecwomen handle that. Wouldn't you wonder who he liked best? I'd drive myself nuts. And trying to get pregnant?! And you know those men seem to place value on the wives partly based on the children they produce. I'd never make it.
We are going on a trip with the kids for two weeks. We are driving to Georgia to visit my family for the first week. Then we are leaving Georgia and driving to Indiana to visit DHs family for the second week. I have begun packing this morning. Packing for six people is no joke. It will take me a couple of weeks. I finally broke down and bought each kid their own rolling duffle back so we can keep their stuff more organized. So far ive packed swimsuits for everyone, tennis shoes for everyone, and about three outfits for girl child. Getting a staging area set up is rough and I got that done, at least. Making sure everyone has underwear and socks is a little crazy when there's so many of us! I'm exhausted just thinking about all the work to come!

 

[AnnieMac2]

Lol! That is one of the best dreams I've ever heard. I'm actually not that jealous about my husband. Which I guess is good, but then I also wonder if it's bad and I should care more! But I do get jealous of other women in terms of babies, career success, confidence, carefree lives, whatever. So I'm certainly not perfect in that regard. I'm a little unsatisfied with myself as far as not having much purpose. I'm used to being career-/academic-focused. But because I had a depressed, dysfunctional home life as a child, one of my major goals is to have this super carefree, fun, cool household where people (and children, especially) are comfortable in and want to hang out at.

Today I'm kind of happier because I came up with a less intimidating plan rather to jump full-force into starting a business. There's this super cool florist around the corner from me (I probably told you I'm obsessed with plants) with a horticulture degree. I'm going to walk over today and ask him if I can shadow him/intern for free and learn about the business and do grunt work/whatever he hates in return. He's got to be in his late 70s and I don't wish him declining health lol, but I bet he'll want help managing the business in a few years to come. It would be cool to buy the business as a long-term goal. He must be making a decent profit, because his space is in one of the most expensive business districts to rent in and a couple of the wealthiest residential neighborhoods are just blocks away. Good clientele! Thanks for listening to my manic diarrhea of the mouth!

Libby, that trip is a huge undertaking! It was smart to buy luggage, it will be worth it. I have all these suitcase compartments from Eagle Creek and they make things SO easy. You wouldn't expect them to be so awesome, but I can't live without them. I hate suitcases where everything is free floating. After a short while on trips, my suitcase becomes just an explosion of stuff without them.

It will be so great for you guys to have a stretch of time together. Is it your longest so far or is this common in the summers?

 

[AnnieMac2]

And by not being jealous, I do NOT mean I'm cool with being a sister wife. Lol. That stuff disgusts me. Idk why I'm so judgmental about it. I hope this doesn't offend anyone (if so, ignore me!), but I really hate the Duggars and their 19 kids too.