Pathetic... Doesn't want to work because...

[CaptainMummy]

"Then he will only see her at weekends..."

My LOs dad moans that 3 nights a week isnt enough (this is what he gets her for)... He still hasnt got over our split and constantly tries to talk me into going back, which I am not doing. He always complains that he doesnt see her enough... and the days he doesnt watch her he is so down.

I suggested doing something to take his mind off it, he automatically said "are you trying to say Im a bad person just because I dont work?"... I wasnt saying that, but I did say that he could get a job, and his reply was he wasnt going to get a job because then he wouldnt see LO as much. I think thats pathetic!

He is being selfish and totally not thinking about our daughter. If he worked, he would have a feeling of self worth, and knowing that he was providing for hsi daughter would make him feel better, and he could cherish the time he got with her even more. Im not saying that he is terrible because he doesnt have a job, but I think he should stop being so selfish. He always asks me "would you want to work mon-fri and only see her at the weekends?" I reply no, but Im her mother and to me thats different (I dont know if it is, but I definitely couldnt imagine only seeing her 2 nights a week)

I got myself a part time job, working Wed/Thurs nights which is 15 hours a week, and I feel great about it. I have more money to put away for LO, and it means that I have something to concentrate on when shes with her daddy.

Sorry for the long rant, but I just think his line of thought is a bit silly!

 

[angelpkj]

oh god i hate fobs like this
what about you if he sees lo 3 times a week u see lo 4 times
you cant get more fairer than that!
id tell him look if you dont like it i suggest you speak to a solicitor and find out how reasonable i'm allready being

he'd prob get less if it went to court!

 

[Yorkshiredad]

Without wanting to play devil's advocate, why does it make a difference that you're your little one's mother in regards to who sees her 2 days out of 7?

I guess I'm in a unique situation, but the one thing that aggravates me most is when people say "But I'm his/her mother" in response to something. A child needs a parent, regardless of gender

 

[moomin_troll]

I don't think it makes a difference being a mum or dad, not seeing ur child every second of the day is going to be hard.
Id probably split who has her 50/50 n then he can't moan

Is there even a reason he's not working tho? He in earth does he think his daughter is fed and clothed if he's not willing to get off his ass n pay for her

 

[xxsteffyxx]

Same as Harvey's dad... he feels as though he cannot get a job because he then wont see Harvey - he doesn't see Harvey anyway????

 

[Laura2919]

Personally I do think it is different between a mum and a dad. FOB goes 12 days between seeing his kids I could NEVER go that long. He phones twice a week at the most, sometimes he only calls because he has something to say to me i.e CSA or something else!

I've not stopped him seeing the girls in between he chooses not to! What can I do about that? Nothing.

Your FOB clearly wants to spend time with his child but what he gets is more than a court would give him and is this going to be forever? like when she starts school? It is whats beneficial for the child not just the parents.

Parenting is very rarely split 50/50!

 

[teal]

In my experience there is a difference between a mum and a dad. FOB has never met his child (his choice). He broke up with me because I refused to have a termination. So to me there is a massive difference - he walked away and got on with his life whereas I work part time to support my child on my own.

It is good that he wants to see his child but I don't get why he can't just get a part time job. Also agree with Laura that it might not work out in the long term with school etc.

xx

 

[xxsteffyxx]

I work 2 jobs to support my son, one full time 40 hour a week jon and another 12 job in a bar at weekends. I also have never denied access, but he chooses not to work, there is no reason for him not to.

 

[moomin_troll]

Personally I do think it is different between a mum and a dad. FOB goes 12 days between seeing his kids I could NEVER go that long. He phones twice a week at the most, sometimes he only calls because he has something to say to me i.e CSA or something else!

I've not stopped him seeing the girls in between he chooses not to! What can I do about that? Nothing.

Your FOB clearly wants to spend time with his child but what he gets is more than a court would give him and is this going to be forever? like when she starts school? It is whats beneficial for the child not just the parents.

Parenting is very rarely split 50/50!

Yeah but ur ex isn't every man. Ofcourse between u and him there is a difference but some fathers couldn't be away from their children that long

 

[Laura2919]

Personally I do think it is different between a mum and a dad. FOB goes 12 days between seeing his kids I could NEVER go that long. He phones twice a week at the most, sometimes he only calls because he has something to say to me i.e CSA or something else!

I've not stopped him seeing the girls in between he chooses not to! What can I do about that? Nothing.

Your FOB clearly wants to spend time with his child but what he gets is more than a court would give him and is this going to be forever? like when she starts school? It is whats beneficial for the child not just the parents.

Parenting is very rarely split 50/50!

Yeah but ur ex isn't every man. Ofcourse between u and him there is a difference but some fathers couldn't be away from their children that long

I never said my ex is every man. Your talking like he doesn't see his LO. He sees her more than most fathers see their children. Sharing custody is not easy. I'm sorry the bond between a mother and her child is completely different to a bond between a father and his child. He has his daughter three times a week how much more should she have to give up in order to make him happy? He's doing it to spite her.

When a relationship breaks down there are things you have to do that you don't like, it doesn't matter who ended it, who walked out or who upped and left. I have to hand my children over to be cared for by another woman for a few days and nights every other weekend. I hate the thought of some other woman being around MY children. But the point is you haven't got a choice but to accept certain things.

Its never clean cut, its never easy, there is always something that makes you feel uneasy but the point I am making was if he went to court he'd get laughed at. He gets more than the average contact and to ask for more is just quite frankly a joke.

 

[Yorkshiredad]

I'm sorry the bond between a mother and her child is completely different to a bond between a father and his child.

Different? yes possibly to an extent, stronger or more important? Absolutely not.

One thing I absolutely loathe is people making out that because I have a penis my bond or relationship with my son isn't as important as it would be were I born with a vagina.

I understand that it's more common for men to skip out on their kids, but there are men (I include myself in this bracket) who devote their entire lives to their children and yet it's automatically assumed that we can happily go about our lives only see them every other weekend.

 

[moomin_troll]

I'm sorry the bond between a mother and her child is completely different to a bond between a father and his child.

Different? yes possibly to an extent, stronger or more important? Absolutely not.

One thing I absolutely loathe is people making out that because I have a penis my bond or relationship with my son isn't as important as it would be were I born with a vagina.

I understand that it's more common for men to skip out on their kids, but there are men (I include myself in this bracket) who devote their entire lives to their children and yet it's automatically assumed that we can happily go about our lives only see them every other weekend.

My point exactly!
Zane was far closer to his dad then me and Zane were.
It depends on the dad himself

Back to the OP I agree ur ex is being a douche! He should just spend time with lo instead of moaning its not enough and he should go out and get a job.
My dad never bothered with me so it is nice to see a dad actually wanting to see his child even tho he is being annoying

 

[Laura2919]

I'm sorry the bond between a mother and her child is completely different to a bond between a father and his child.

Different? yes possibly to an extent, stronger or more important? Absolutely not.

One thing I absolutely loathe is people making out that because I have a penis my bond or relationship with my son isn't as important as it would be were I born with a vagina.

I understand that it's more common for men to skip out on their kids, but there are men (I include myself in this bracket) who devote their entire lives to their children and yet it's automatically assumed that we can happily go about our lives only see them every other weekend.

Did I ever say that men can automatically go about their lives happily. No. And yes a bond IS different! We carry that child for 9 or so months, a mothers bond is different to a fathers bond. I personally don't care if you think different. I know dads that are away from their children and they hate that fact but even they agree that taking a child away from its mother for longer than a few nights a week wouldn't be beneficial to their child/ren!!!

Don't put words into my mouth. I haven't said dads happily go about their lives with only seeing their children often but like I said sometimes when a relationship breaks down there are things we don't like that have to be done!

Oh and read again! Not once did I say a fathers relationship with a child is less important I said it is DIFFERENT.

 

[Yorkshiredad]

Did I ever say that men can automatically go about their lives happily. No. And yes a bond IS different! We carry that child for 9 or so months, a mothers bond is different to a fathers bond. I personally don't care if you think different. I know dads that are away from their children and they hate that fact but even they agree that taking a child away from its mother for longer than a few nights a week wouldn't be beneficial to their child/ren!!!

Don't put words into my mouth. I haven't said dads happily go about their lives with only seeing their children often but like I said sometimes when a relationship breaks down there are things we don't like that have to be done!

Oh and read again! Not once did I say a fathers relationship with a child is less important I said it is DIFFERENT.

My apologies if I offended you, I was just trying to state that it pisses me off that "society" assumes a child is better of with it's mother being the primary parent when that isn't always the case.

However, answer me this, if a child has 2 parents that are both equally capable of caring for it, both can provide a roof over it's head and food in it's mouth, which parent should be the primary parent (Ie; have him/her 5 out of 7 days)?

 

[Donna35]

I have to say I agree with Laura. A mother/child bond is completely different to a father/child one. Not more important but different, as both she and the OP said...

A mother/child bond is "in the main" stronger too, not always, but in most cases I find. This is because we carry them for 9 months, we nurture them and look after them and the responsibility for the child "in MOST cases" will fall down to the mother. Plus of course there is the fact that "most" children will turn to their mother for comfort etc. Some fathers leave, some don't give a shit about their kids, some are good fathers whether they are there or not - all are different. But none can replace the mother/child bond - that is just MY opinion btw xxx

I know there are some exceptions to this - hence why I put "most"

 

[Yorkshiredad]

Some fathers leave, some don't give a shit about their kids, some are good fathers whether they are there or not - all are different.

That's also true for mothers, it's just not as publicized. There's a social taboo for women to abandon their kids (as there should be for men too), or even be the "secondary" parent, and so some stick it out regardless which in the long run is detrimental to their children.

Thank you for aknowledging that not every case is as black and white as "The child is better off with the mother".

Although I disagree about the mother/child being stronger, I think it's just a law of averages, more women are stay at home parents so more women are going to have that bond, if it was 50/50 I think it would be a lot different.

 

[Donna35]

And also Yorkshiredad I think what the OP means about her being the mother in relation to having the child more nights is just referring to the fact that she (I would assume) would have main custody and the child would reside with her. She is not saying that that makes her 'more important' at all just because she has 'a vagina and not a penis' as you so charmingly put it. Having a penis has nothing to do with it - that appendage has done it's job quite frankly lol. The simple fact is she is allowing more access than most courts do and for that he should be grateful really IMO.

 

[teal]

From on and offline it seems to be much more uncommon for a mother to abandon her children. There's also a degree of taboo for being a single mother but a single father is praised.

I agree with Laura and Donna about the bond being stronger. From my own experience my baby's father has got on with his life as if it never happened. I felt a connection to my child while I was pregnant, which is something men, obviously, won't experience. Not to mention that a father has no rights to the baby at all until he/she is born.

I am not a stay at home mum but I don't feel that worker has any detriment to my bond with my son.

 

[Yorkshiredad]

From on and offline it seems to be much more uncommon for a mother to abandon her children. There's also a degree of taboo for being a single mother but a single father is praised.

I agree with Laura and Donna about the bond being stronger. From my own experience my baby's father has got on with his life as if it never happened. I felt a connection to my child while I was pregnant, which is something men, obviously, won't experience. Not to mention that a father has no rights to the baby at all until he/she is born.

I am not a stay at home mum but I don't feel that worker has any detriment to my bond with my son.

This is exactly my point, every case is individual, and it's when people assume a mother's bond is always stronger that it pisses me off (I'm not suggesting the OP insinuated this, I think this whole thing has just gotten out of hand)

Fathers should have rights to the baby from the moment of conception though, it gives reckless and/or selfish mothers too much opportunity to "play god"

 

[MummyJade]

I can only echo on what has been said by Donna Laura and Teal...

And in some cases the relationship between a child and father is less important, TO THE FATHER! Not every man wants to be part of the childs life therefore there is no relationship that would class as important...