='[ please help. I'm terrified and have no hope.

[Little_Nugget]

Hi everyone. Been lurking for a while and thought I should post.

Bit of background history: I'm 26 and have had a m/c at 12w, a stillbirth at 25 weeks with a boy, another stillbirth at 30 weeks with a girl, a live birth at 24 weeks - he later died in neo natal and now I am 6w + 5d and petrified of EVERYTHING.

I don't really remember anything about my m/c - it was in 2001 and all I remember is bleeding so heavily it ran down my leg (sorry tmi). My first son had no issues. I didn't know I was pregnant until 18 weeks but my waters partially went at 22 weeks and drained completely at 24+5. No hb was seen at 25 weeks. My daughter also had no issues. My waters just went completely at 30 weeks but when I got to hospital she had died.

My second son had bleeding right from 6 weeks and I was in and out of hospital with cramps, blood clots and loss of symptoms. I finally got admitted to hospital as an in patient at 22 weeks where I was given daily heparin injections and progesterone pessarys to try and stop the bleeding and keep him in my tummy as long as possible. I went into labour at 24 weeks and he came out kicking and breathing on his own. He later died after fighting so hard and doing really well :'(

Sorry this is so long I'm just scared to death. My bf and I weren't trying to conceive. We'd pretty much stopped having sex but then I fell pregnant. My lmp was May 17th and we dtd on the 23rd, 2nd and 9th and my next period was due June 15th so I'm guessing the 2nd dtd is the one that caught my egg. Based on this I think I'm 6w+5d

What I'm scared about is that I had my beta hcg taken and a scan done on June 17th (4+3) and it was 125mlU/ml which everyone said was extremely low and gave a not so promising outlook. The scan showed nothing except for thickened endometrium which the sonographer said was normal. I went back on the 19th (4+5) for more blood work which came back at 332mlU/ml which the doctor said was ok but still not high enough. I went back again on the 21st (5w) and the beta hcg levels were 1012mlU/ml which were now good plus I felt really crappy that morning and my consultant said the rise was to blame.

Anyway I have had on and off symptoms ever since I found out and some period pains and dreadful back ache that was freaking me out so I went to the hospital on the 28th where they took my blood again but haven't told me the result. I also had another scan because I was convinced it was an ectopic pregnancy. The sonographer immediately found the gestational sac in the middle of my uterus (thank God) and checked around both ovaries for blood or cysts - neither. She said there was no free flowing blood either. She then did a vaginal scan and saw the yolk sac clearly but no hb. She didn't mention anything about a fetal pole so I don't know if that was visible and I couldn't tell what was what on the screen. I had this scan at exactly 6 weeks (based on my dates) so the hb should have been seen right??!

I'm just petrified now and all I can think is her words "no heartbeat" :'( I've had no severe cramps, my symptoms seem to be fading - all that's left is more frequent toilet trips and the side of my right boob is sore. I want to feel really nauseous. I want my boobs to be killing. Just so I know lo is ok :'(

I am going back for a scan on Tuesday 5th at 8:30 when I should be 7 weeks but I'm not hopeful at all. I don't want to be positive because when they tell me it's an ended pregnancy I'm going to fall apart. My consultant has had me on amoxicillin 500 for a uti which has finished today and also 75mg of aspirin daily since the 21st.

I had a list in my head of negatives that I was crossing off:
Ectopic pregnancy X
Chemical pregnancy X
Blighted ovum ?
Molar pregnancy ?
Miscarriage ?
Missed miscarriage ?
Late missed miscarriage ?

I know it's stupid but I felt better when I knew it wasn't ectopic or chemical but then I went googling and learnt about types of pregnancy I'd never heard of and now I'm convinced it's going to end in one of the remaining types on the list.

I just don't know what to do. I've taken at least one hpt every day since 17th June to see if they're getting darker, sometimes they are sometimes they're not. My bf doesn't know yet. I can't face telling him and then having to tell him my body killed another of our kids. I have no friends to talk to.

Please help me. I want tuesday to hurry up and come but I can't bear hearing it's not going to work. If by some miracle the hb is seen I will spend every moment scared and thinking has my baby died now? I wish I could be knocked out for 9 months. The stress is making my ill. It's causing palpitations :'( I just need a friend and some advice.

I'm sorry this is an essay. Thanks for reading.
Amy

 

[Darlin65]

How rude people have been! How dare they read this and nobody leave an answer! One thing is for sure you can never have enough hugs! The only thing I can think of is maybe this will be different, maybe this will be your surprise miracle/blessing. I would let the doctors know about everything you can possibly think to tell them about your previous pregnancies and don't take no crap from nobody. If you know something is wrong demand it be taking care of, none of that silly going home and waiting stuff. Ask if maybe being on bed rest could help your chances of a healthier pregnancy. I am sorry for your loses love Hopefully this time will be different for you.

 

[patiently]

I am so sorry for what you are going through...one mc is so difficult to come to terms with so i can understand that this time must be so terrifying for you...hun try and focus on the positives though i know that its hard...your hcg numbers doubled and they saw the sac which is fantastic...i have read on misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com that some dr's have said that there was no heartbeat detected at 6 weeks and that the pregnancy was not viable they even advised a woman to have a d&c but she refused and demanded another scan for the following week and lo and behold there was a healthy heartbeat in her next scan..im saying that sometimes things develop at a different pace in some pregnancies...please try and be hopeful and see what happens on your next scan...are you sure your dates are right?

You are such a brave and courageous woman i have so much admiration for you, i wish you all the best in this pregnancy and hope you have a H&H 9 months, that your little bean is a sticky one and that in months time you will have your precious healthy little bundle of joy wrapped in your arms...x x x x

 

[Budsmummy]

I cannot give you any advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say how sorry I am for all your losses, and I really hope you get some good news on Tuesday xxx

 

[Little_Nugget]

Hey. Thanks both of you for replying. I'm going out of my mind. Losing my symptoms seems like the last nail in the coffin so to speak. I don't feel remotely pregnant I've shut out all memories of previous pregnancies cos I don't want to remember so much pain and negativity but it means I can't remember any of my symptoms or when they started or finished before :/

I did another first response hpt last night and I thought it didn't work cos the test line was really dark and came up immediately but the control line didn't seem to be there. I looked again about 5 mins later and both lines were there but the control line was stupidly faint. I'm out of tests now so can't check again.

I'm absolutely positive of my dates. We deffo weren't trying again but I still chart on fertility friend so I can track my periods. Just for peace of mind really. We did the deed on 23rd May, and 2nd and 9th June with my lmp being 17th May. I mean my cycle is usually between 29 and 31 days with my lp being 13/14 days. Saying that tho my cycle in April was only 25 days so I may have ovulated late.

I just feel crappy. Not physically. Mentally. Part of me is thinking what's the point in even going to my scan on Tuesday. If it's bad news I don't want to know. Sigh.

Thanks for replying. I just need someone to talk to really cos I don't want to tell me bf atm until I know if things are ok. xxx

 

[Monkei]

im so sorry that you're having to go through this
I really hope that everything works out for you in this pregnancy and you see a hb on tuesday xxx

 

[Darlin65]

Just remember that sometimes in order to get the good we have to endure the bad. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference" While it may be hard he would never give you more Than you can handle. Go to your scan Tuesday that way no matter what the outcome you can have the peace of mind of just knowing where you stand.

 

[Peril]

Hugs Hun. My Epau won't scan before 7 weeks as there is often no hb and worries people unnecessarily. I really feel for you and pray that everything goes perfectly and you get your miracle xxxx

 

[CatherineK]

At six weeks, its perfectly normal for many people to not see a heartbeat. I had only a sac at that time with my last two pregnancies at that time...and both times a week later there was a perfectly developing little bean/heartbeat.

Even if you know your dates, it could have taken extra long to implant, or your baby is just a slow starter like mine were...

I'm a little upset that your doctors told you that your 125 and 332 levels were too low! Everyone started out low, and those number doubling in two days are exceptionally good.

I really think you need some specialist care that can really delve into your history and help, especially with three early births. I wish you the best of luck with this pregnancy!

 

[Darlin65]

At six weeks, its perfectly normal for many people to not see a heartbeat. I had only a sac at that time with my last two pregnancies at that time...and both times a week later there was a perfectly developing little bean/heartbeat.

Even if you know your dates, it could have taken extra long to implant, or your baby is just a slow starter like mine were...

I'm a little upset that your doctors told you that your 125 and 332 levels were too low! Everyone started out low, and those number doubling in two days are exceptionally good.

I really think you need some specialist care that can really delve into your history and help, especially with three early births. I wish you the best of luck with this pregnancy!

I agree with this 100%

 

[Little_Nugget]

Thank you so much ladies

With my previous pregnancy I had consultant care and fortnightly scans from 6 weeks because of the bleeding but because it kept stopping and starting I wasn't given any medication for this until they actually admitted me at 22 weeks. Even then I don't think the heparin shots or progesterone pessarys did anything unless it's because they were started so late?!

I'm happy this time around that the low dose aspirin was started so early despite the fact I've had no bleeding at all. Yet (touch wood). I just want a break for once. All we want is a child. Not four or five. Just one. I'm angry at God tbh for allowing me to get pregnant so easily and letting my bf and I think we're over the danger point and maybe things are going to be ok, just for him to snatch our babies away in the 2nd trimester. It would be kinder if they had been mc even though it still would have been horrible. Watching our last son doing so well and then having to agree to switch his incubator etc off was the hardest most painful thing I've ever done and my bf shut down for weeks afterwards.

I wanted to ask is it normal to have both diarrhoea AND constipation in the same day? Sometimes I'll wake up and have to sprint to the bathroom but an hour later I'm praying to let me go to the toilet :/

As for my hcg readings. Being told my 125 was not good was like a slap in the face. I think some doctors get off on worrying people. I want to know what my last reading was but they won't say and told me I didn't need to worry myself with that since the yolk sac was seen. Well I am worrying. I'm a wreck atm.

I wish I was stronger. I want Tuesday over and done with. I've been tested for lupus anticoagulant which was negative. They won't test for antiphospholipid syndrome or factor v leidens. They won't consider a cervical stitch because if my waters go early it makes labour complicated cos it'd have to be removed ?!?! Wtf. After 10 years I still have no idea what's wrong with me.

Thanks for all of your kind words. Its helping xxx

 

[Faerie09]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I had a loss last year and was pregnant at the same time I had the loss which I did not know about until the funeral of my first daughter. Her name was Kyleigh and she passed away at 4 1/2 months old. I'm working on not being petrified of everything myself. I worry each and everyday, it's so hard. But we're making through it. I check on her constantly and I can't help, but worry 24/7. I'm surprised I have been getting any sleep at all, but I am. Which is a good thing, but it's still hard with everything. I don't know what kind of advice I can give you honey, but I know the pain never really goes away, it just slowly gets better little by little; day by day. Just know you have wonderful, precious little angels up in Heaven watching over you with God. I pray to Him everyday and it helps me a lot. I don't know your religion so I hope this isn't going to offend you hun. I honestly hope things turn out better for you and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. BIG HUGE HUGS to you sweetheart!! My heart goes out to you.
You're definitely a strong mother that is overcoming obstacles in your life sweetie and I sincerely hope they get so much better for you honey.

 

[waitandsee]

Oh this is heartbreaking! You're such a strong woman to get through all this pain! Ihope your scan will be good and this is your miracle baby! And I agree with the others that you need to be monitored closely by specialists. Please be kind to yourself and rest.

 

[Quartzbaby]

Big hugs x

 

[rj84]

thoughts are with you xxx

 

[mrs stru]

hope everything goes okay on Tuesday

 

[peanutbear]

I'm thinking about you and hope things go well on Tuesday.

 

[Neversaynever]

Just wanted to send you massive

So sorry for your losses and it's totally understandable that you are scared. I am hoping that all is good with your scan Tuesday, please have faith that this might just be different

Be kind to yourself, you're only human

XxX

 

[Little_Nugget]

Thanks everyone I'm feeling a bit better now that I've actually spoken to someone about what's worrying me. If I was being violently sick and still had my other symptoms I'd probably be less nervous. Maybe.

Thanks again for all of the support. You're all lovely! xx

 

[Neversaynever]

Sounds silly but even you putting a pregnancy ticker means that you still have hope which is really good. Well done and you CAN do this

XxX