Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

Just read all this.

Hats off- what an inspiration you are.

:hugs:
 
I'm so glad that people continue to find this thread and get something out of it.

Gabriella is walking all over the place by herself now. I'm definitely getting my exercise chasing after her and just keeping up with her all the time! She's "talking" a lot now, but you can only understand a tiny bit of what she says. Her favorite thing is "uh oh." Everything is an "uh oh" situation to her right now.

FOB and I are still together, but I feel like it might not last too much longer. I think it's mainly my fault. This sounds horrible, but I can't commit to being a mom full time. I love Gabriella 24/7, but I enjoy only having her with me half the time. It's one of the major reasons that I still can't commit to moving in with FOB. That was the original plan this summer, but I'm really torn about it. I love him and want to be with him. I kept coming up with excuses as to not have to admit one of the real reasons. I didn't even want to admit it to myself, but it's true. I just don't want to have to be a mom 24/7. It's not because I want to go out and party or anything stupid like that. I don't even do that sort of thing. But sometimes I do feel like my life is over. There is a lot I want to do that I don't feel I can do while also having to be responsible for a child. I don't know what's wrong with me and I feel so guilty about it. Sometimes I find myself thinking I made the wrong decision to be involved in her life. I should have just given her to her father and removed myself from the situation. These feelings have gotten worse over the past few months. When I finally admitted all of this to fob, he couldn't really sympathize and told me I just needed to grow up. I don't feel like I can tell anyone how I feel. Nobody understands and it just makes me sound like such a terrible person.
 
Hi Heatherr - you've gone through so much at such a young age. You have dealt with it with maturity and grace beyond your years. It is a good and healthy thing to open up about these feelings you're having - it's much better than hiding it or trying to deny it.

Can I suggest that you try to see a counselor to help you work through the things you're dealing with? Parenting babies/toddlers is hard at any age, but your special set of circumstances could certainly warrant some extra support. Most importantly, don't make any major decisions on days you are having negative or low feelings.

I can't promise that being a mom will get better - but I can tell you that not all "stages" of childhood are wonderful. For some people, you just try and get through them and onto the next stage. I for one am not super into babies. Others can't stand the teen years. I can tell you though that I almost always hear that it gets better (when you're going through a rough patch). Best wishes for you.
 
Heather, please don`t be hard on yourself. You don`t sound terrible at all! So you don't want to "mother" all the time. So what! Who does? Everyone wants and needs time to themselves. That's not being selfish. That's being healthy and keeping things in balance.

My husband and I both have specified "me-time" everyday. Because we do that, and honor our own mental and emotional needs, we are in a much calmer, happier state of mind to deal with parenting.

Don't deny your feelings. Make sure to give yourself breaks. And don't stress yourself out trying to match some vision in your head of what a mother should be like.

Also, if you don't want to move in with your boyfriend now, please don't feel that you have to. If having this part-time arrangement is working out well, there is no reason to feel bad at all about it! Do what is right for *you* and your circumstances.

That said, if you are uncertain about whether or not you want to move in, could you have a trial run of it? Start staying over more often/longer length of time to see how it makes you feel?
 
Can I suggest that you try to see a counselor to help you work through the things you're dealing with? Parenting babies/toddlers is hard at any age, but your special set of circumstances could certainly warrant some extra support. Most importantly, don't make any major decisions on days you are having negative or low feelings.

THIS <3 <3 <3
Don't make any decisions when you feel overwhelmed and at your lowest. Please don't. it's likely that it won't be the right one and that you may regret it later.

Heatherr, you are being so so brave and both you and OH are dealing with loads at all stages with a small baby at such a young age. It is good that you opened up about your feelings to him, but it is also normal that he couldn't empathize 100% with you, because he is young, too, and even grown up men lack that sort of maturity.

Being overwhelmed with motherhood is a normal thing at every age, let alone yours. Babies are demanding. But kids DO grow up and as they do, you will have more time for yourself and will have to tend to less and less of their needs as they grow.

I don't know if Gabriella goes to daycare or you guys have her only with either you or him, but if you do move in together, could this be an option? It would leave you that "me time" every day.
Also, you could arrange the times when she is with your or FOBs family only - ie. one day a week that you would have for you two, at least for the first times of your new life together. It is NOTHING horrifying to have a baby over at the grandparents for a day. Back in the day when not everyone had their own flat or house, and the families were way larger, people lived together in the same house/household with their broader family and the care for the kids and babies wasn't singled out to a single mom&dad couple only. The weight placed on parents today comes also from this - that most of the parenting is done by two people alone, while before it was more distributed. And it's a tough thing to pull off at any age.

Maybe you could talk to a councilor, or have a talk with FOB, yours and his family together with a councilor who would mediate and explain that while you TRULY ARE doing an AMAZING job of growing up as quick as you can and coping with the motherhood, that you STILL DO need their support and understanding. FOB is four-five years older than you - meaning he had those extra four-five years time for himself that you didn't. I am sure that with a qualified and more neutral person to help them understand you and what you are struggling with, it could really help your situation.

It sounds like you two guys really love each other - which is an outstanding thing to have, after all you guys have been through so far - i can count the couples with a similar kind of strength, love and maturity on the fingers of one hand.
From what you are writing here, it is not your lack of love for him nor for your daughter that hinders you from moving in with him - but a lack of a living arrangement in that new framework regarding your baby that would be suitable for you to cope with.
A wish for a well-planned baby schedule and a well-planned family schedule (which also includes YOUR schedule as you are a crucial part of your family) is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And it can be sorted out.

You love them more than enough - enough to have decided to give her a life, be her mother and sort the things out with him - which is a miracle to pull off even for a lady in her 30s (i'm in my 30s and i have friends who could learn quite some things from you!). What you need is just a concrete day-by-day plan on how to sail into that new sea together - with the help of your and his family.

I wish you all the best dear. I am sure you guys can do it. And that you can do it. You already have come so far and please, when the things feel impossible to fathom or accomplish, just remember that first day when you got your BFP and look all that you have accomplished so far, as a person, and give yourself some credit for it, it's nothing short of a miracle. You are absolutely the most mature "teen" i've ever seen, not only on bnb but in my real life too. I say "teen" because it is only your physical age that would classify you in that category, not certainly your maturity and behaviour, those are well beyond your young age! :hugs::hugs::hugs:
 
I'm much older than you and all my babies were very much planned. And I still feel like I need time off from being a mum sometimes. It's so normal, especially in the early years! There's no shame in wanting time to yourself and to not constantly have to be there for a toddler 24/7. I know that most of my friends feel the same, some more and some less so but I don't know anyone who doesn't feel better for having a break.
But before you make any decisions on your relationship based on these feelings, consider that it will get easier! Do you have the option of nursery or daycare soon? Even if you don't, she'll start school in only a few short years. If there's no other option, you could always keep this current arrangement until then. Or how about one of her grandparents taking her one day a week? Or you do move in but still have dedicated mummy days and daddy days, where the other parent gets the day off? Now that I'm pregnant, my husband often takes our older kids out for the day at the weekend and also gets them ready in the morning while I get a lie-in. Those little things go a long way towards balance, you just need to be on the same page about them. Best of luck to you!
 
Thanks to everyone who commented and you understand and support. After everything else I've experienced here, I probably shouldn't be surprised at everyone's kindness. I was really embarrassed to admit how I've been feeling, even here. I honestly cried sitting here reading everyone's responses because I finally don't feel so alone in feeling this way.

Can I suggest that you try to see a counselor to help you work through the things you're dealing with? Parenting babies/toddlers is hard at any age, but your special set of circumstances could certainly warrant some extra support. Most importantly, don't make any major decisions on days you are having negative or low feelings.

I had been seeing a counselor for almost a year, up until a few months ago. I received treatment for postpartum depression and was also on medication for it. I was removed from the medication many months ago and was doing well with just the therapy sessions. At the time that I stopped seeing this person, I had been doing well for months and felt okay stopping our regular sessions, but now I'm thinking it may be something I need longer term.

Normally postpartum depression doesn't last this long and I thought it was over for me. I wonder if the way I feel is normal or if it has anything to do with the depression relapsing. I do have really bad, low days, like the day I posted my last message here. The next day,I felt much better about everything and felt silly for posting all of my feelings. Today I'm somewhere in between. It's really tiring dealing with the extreme emotional changes from one day to the next. When I feel really low I do tend to make major decisions or declarations about things - everything becomes very black and white at that point and there is no compromise as far as the situation goes for me.


Heather, please don`t be hard on yourself. You don`t sound terrible at all! So you don't want to "mother" all the time. So what! Who does? Everyone wants and needs time to themselves. That's not being selfish. That's being healthy and keeping things in balance.

My husband and I both have specified "me-time" everyday. Because we do that, and honor our own mental and emotional needs, we are in a much calmer, happier state of mind to deal with parenting.

Don't deny your feelings. Make sure to give yourself breaks. And don't stress yourself out trying to match some vision in your head of what a mother should be like.

Also, if you don't want to move in with your boyfriend now, please don't feel that you have to. If having this part-time arrangement is working out well, there is no reason to feel bad at all about it! Do what is right for *you* and your circumstances.

That said, if you are uncertain about whether or not you want to move in, could you have a trial run of it? Start staying over more often/longer length of time to see how it makes you feel?

I guess I just feel this extra pressure, especially because of my age, to prove everyone wrong and be the perfect mom and I get so upset with myself that I'm not.

Right now, I'm very happy with only having her half of the week. Of course, I see her more than that because he and I spend plenty of time together with her. When I have those thoughts I think "What kind of a mother thinks that?" I just feel it's weird for me to not want to live with my own child all the time.

I suppose I really should start increasing the amount/length of time I stay there and find out how I really feel about it. Sometimes I really like the idea - I wouldn't be considering it if part of me didn't want it. I just have extreme moments of panic over it too.
 
Can I suggest that you try to see a counselor to help you work through the things you're dealing with? Parenting babies/toddlers is hard at any age, but your special set of circumstances could certainly warrant some extra support. Most importantly, don't make any major decisions on days you are having negative or low feelings.

THIS <3 <3 <3
Don't make any decisions when you feel overwhelmed and at your lowest. Please don't. it's likely that it won't be the right one and that you may regret it later.

Heatherr, you are being so so brave and both you and OH are dealing with loads at all stages with a small baby at such a young age. It is good that you opened up about your feelings to him, but it is also normal that he couldn't empathize 100% with you, because he is young, too, and even grown up men lack that sort of maturity.

Being overwhelmed with motherhood is a normal thing at every age, let alone yours. Babies are demanding. But kids DO grow up and as they do, you will have more time for yourself and will have to tend to less and less of their needs as they grow.

I don't know if Gabriella goes to daycare or you guys have her only with either you or him, but if you do move in together, could this be an option? It would leave you that "me time" every day.
Also, you could arrange the times when she is with your or FOBs family only - ie. one day a week that you would have for you two, at least for the first times of your new life together. It is NOTHING horrifying to have a baby over at the grandparents for a day. Back in the day when not everyone had their own flat or house, and the families were way larger, people lived together in the same house/household with their broader family and the care for the kids and babies wasn't singled out to a single mom&dad couple only. The weight placed on parents today comes also from this - that most of the parenting is done by two people alone, while before it was more distributed. And it's a tough thing to pull off at any age.

Maybe you could talk to a councilor, or have a talk with FOB, yours and his family together with a councilor who would mediate and explain that while you TRULY ARE doing an AMAZING job of growing up as quick as you can and coping with the motherhood, that you STILL DO need their support and understanding. FOB is four-five years older than you - meaning he had those extra four-five years time for himself that you didn't. I am sure that with a qualified and more neutral person to help them understand you and what you are struggling with, it could really help your situation.

It sounds like you two guys really love each other - which is an outstanding thing to have, after all you guys have been through so far - i can count the couples with a similar kind of strength, love and maturity on the fingers of one hand.
From what you are writing here, it is not your lack of love for him nor for your daughter that hinders you from moving in with him - but a lack of a living arrangement in that new framework regarding your baby that would be suitable for you to cope with.
A wish for a well-planned baby schedule and a well-planned family schedule (which also includes YOUR schedule as you are a crucial part of your family) is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And it can be sorted out.

You love them more than enough - enough to have decided to give her a life, be her mother and sort the things out with him - which is a miracle to pull off even for a lady in her 30s (i'm in my 30s and i have friends who could learn quite some things from you!). What you need is just a concrete day-by-day plan on how to sail into that new sea together - with the help of your and his family.

I wish you all the best dear. I am sure you guys can do it. And that you can do it. You already have come so far and please, when the things feel impossible to fathom or accomplish, just remember that first day when you got your BFP and look all that you have accomplished so far, as a person, and give yourself some credit for it, it's nothing short of a miracle. You are absolutely the most mature "teen" i've ever seen, not only on bnb but in my real life too. I say "teen" because it is only your physical age that would classify you in that category, not certainly your maturity and behaviour, those are well beyond your young age! :hugs::hugs::hugs:

When I'm in school Gabriella does go to daycare during the weekdays, some days only half day because I don't have classes all day long every day. During the summer, she is with me during the day. I don't mind this and it doesn't overwhelm me because we still split the time with her. I might see if we can agree to keep her in daycare full time during the weekdays when I started school again in the fall, this way on days when I have fewer classes I can have that extra time to myself or to study or do other things that I need to get done.

I also feel guilty moving in with him because he will be supporting all of us since I don't have a job. I could get a job, and he doesn't care if I do, but we decided that it'd be most cost effective if I was home to be with Gabriella all summer long. I agreed to that and I would honestly rather be home with her all day than go to work and make next to nothing. It's fine right now because I live with my parents, so I don't feel as guilty with them supporting me. I told him how I feel and he says he can afford it and he wants to do that for me and that I don't need to feel bad about it. He wants me to be able to focus on school and whatever I want to do and not worry about working right now. I still feel bad about it though - not that partners who don't work or who are stay at home parents should feel bad. I just feel bad complaining about so much while everyone pretty much spoils me and does everything they can to make things easy for me.

And thank you thank you for everything nice you said in your post. I might not agree with all of the great things you said about me, but it does make me feel loads better for the time being.
 
I'm much older than you and all my babies were very much planned. And I still feel like I need time off from being a mum sometimes. It's so normal, especially in the early years! There's no shame in wanting time to yourself and to not constantly have to be there for a toddler 24/7. I know that most of my friends feel the same, some more and some less so but I don't know anyone who doesn't feel better for having a break.
But before you make any decisions on your relationship based on these feelings, consider that it will get easier! Do you have the option of nursery or daycare soon? Even if you don't, she'll start school in only a few short years. If there's no other option, you could always keep this current arrangement until then. Or how about one of her grandparents taking her one day a week? Or you do move in but still have dedicated mummy days and daddy days, where the other parent gets the day off? Now that I'm pregnant, my husband often takes our older kids out for the day at the weekend and also gets them ready in the morning while I get a lie-in. Those little things go a long way towards balance, you just need to be on the same page about them. Best of luck to you!

I had a whole response typed up to this and then hit the backspace key and deleted it all :growlmad:

Anyway, I don't think I'm in danger of ending my relationship, but I worry he'll get tired of me being this way and dump me. He's never said anything about leaving me if I don't move in or anything like that, but I just think it's what he wants. Maybe it's just my paranoia thinking he will leave me since I can apparently only stand to be a parent to our child half the time.I'd want to leave me. I know I can't make decisions just to please him or anyone else, but still puts pressure on me.
 
heatherr honey, thanks for keeping us posted and for being so open about your feelings <3 from what you describe and the mood swings you have, it could be your depression relapsing a bit or you dipping into it when you feel overwhelmed.

It is a common thing for most of the people who have dealt with depression, be it a post-partum one or not. it just makes you discover how deep your own personal hole can be so when you slip, you can really slip deep. I've had a ppd following the second pregnancy loss and it took about two years between being diagnosed and getting into therapy (non-medicated), and still from time to time when i get overwhelmed or feel pressured, i relapse for some days. Relapses DO get shorter and shorter as you learn how to spot them and deal with them before they manage to catch some momentum and drag you down. i wouldn't be too surprised if you've got a little bit of relapse with all that stuff going on. it doesn't mean being dependent on seeing a councilor all the time, but just for those times when you feel like you need an extra hand.

regarding your OH supporting you, well... you guys got a lifetime of parenting ahead of you, and if he supports you now for a year or two or whatever, trust me you'll have plenty of time to pay him back. It is the best thing for your family at the moment - the three of you - from everything you said.
Also, as you feel guilty for him supporting you, maybe he also feels guilty for the fact that you are facing college and motherhood together, and he genuinely and honestly wants to do whatever he can to make it right and good for you. Like you do for him.

you know how to recognize your dark days or your intermediate days and your great ones, too - which is already a great guidance when it comes to decision making. and in those darkest days, getting your feelings out on a message board is certainly a WAY smarter decision than making a drastic decision and acting upon it in your real life. :) so you see, you're already handling it pretty well, even when you don't feel so <3
 
Heather your doing so well sweetie! Depression is a horrible thing to have I've suffered with it since before I had kids and have been on medication for nearly a year now and I feel like a new person, I'm also a better mother and partner! If your still struggling please don't hesitate to see your doctor about going back on the meds, its not a bad thing and nothing to be ashamed of, ive learnt that the hard way! My stubbornness and embarrassment of 'Giving in' to medication nearly saw my 2 beautiful kids without a mother just before Christmas. So I'm kinda glad I saw sense!

I also need me time, A LOT actually lol if I'm having a bad day my oh takes the kids up his mums house for an hour or 2, sometimes thats all you need! Lol

I like to think of your story and how strong you are, it gives me hope, even though I'm a bit older than you, I find you more of an inspiration than most people my age.

Keep up the goos work heather, I enjoy reading your updates. &#128156;
 
Is there an update to this? Did you stay with FOB? How are you feeling?
 
Is there an update to this? Did you stay with FOB? How are you feeling?

I can't believe this thread is still getting posts after such a long time!

Gabriella is 2 years old :shock: and growing strong and healthy everyday. She is still slightly behind size-wise, but almost there. She hasn't seemed to have entered the terrible twos yet.

FOB and I are still together. I moved in with him, which was a huge adjustment for me and was really difficult because my family was against me moving in with him so it caused some tension. My mom just doesn't like me "shacking up" with guys. It's like, we have a child together - people know we had sex. Things are better now. I'm getting ready to finish my second year of college, which I'm finding really easy. I'm off on Fridays, so Gabriella goes to a sitter Monday-Thursday. I'm not as stressed out about being a parent now -it's finally become normal to me. If course, I haven't talked to anyone I went to high school with in about a year. Our lives are just completely different and I'm fine with that. Plus, my boyfriend is way more attractive than all my "friend's" boyfriends they've met at college :blush::happydance:
I do struggle with making friends now because my life is still a lot different than most of my classmates and I'm also not interested in typical college life. Plus, I prefer to just be at home instead of going out. But I do wish I could find people I had more in common with.
 
It is fantastic to hear everything is going so well - wishing you all the best for you and your family :hugs:
 
Amazing update. I'm so happy that Gabriella is doing well and that you've found your new normal. Congratulations on everything you've accomplished so far!
 
Wow, I can't believe she is two! I'm so glad everything is going well for you!
 
Step 1: Relax. Breathe. Stressing out will scare you more than you already are.
Step 2: Do you have a car? Planned Parenthoods and Women's Centers are very helpful for teens. As I recall, they don't tell your parents, but research that, I'm not sure. You want to go to the doctor first and confirm you're pregnant, and that you're okay. People don't want to let the news out until then because it could just be a missed period or a miscarriage can happen.
Step 3: Tell the father first, in this situation. Because he's legal and you're not, your parents will immediately worry that you were aggressively raped. Talk to him and let him know what's happening.
Step 4: Tell your parents and do not lie about the fact that you had consensual sex with an older guy. You don't want anyone physically hurt and if your parents knew that, maybe they'd avoid charging him with statutory rape. Sit down with them and thoroughly explain yourself. Ask of them to hold on with their judgments or reactions until you're done, listen and accept responsibility.

I know it must be terrifying to think about, but you should just be honest. But firstly, calm down and take care of yourself. If my reply didn't help, wikiHow has a lot of good articles on how to break the news of being a pregnant teenager to everyone.
 
Step 1: Relax. Breathe. Stressing out will scare you more than you already are.
Step 2: Do you have a car? Planned Parenthoods and Women's Centers are very helpful for teens. As I recall, they don't tell your parents, but research that, I'm not sure. You want to go to the doctor first and confirm you're pregnant, and that you're okay. People don't want to let the news out until then because it could just be a missed period or a miscarriage can happen.
Step 3: Tell the father first, in this situation. Because he's legal and you're not, your parents will immediately worry that you were aggressively raped. Talk to him and let him know what's happening.
Step 4: Tell your parents and do not lie about the fact that you had consensual sex with an older guy. You don't want anyone physically hurt and if your parents knew that, maybe they'd avoid charging him with statutory rape. Sit down with them and thoroughly explain yourself. Ask of them to hold on with their judgments or reactions until you're done, listen and accept responsibility.

I know it must be terrifying to think about, but you should just be honest. But firstly, calm down and take care of yourself. If my reply didn't help, wikiHow has a lot of good articles on how to break the news of being a pregnant teenager to everyone.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY, I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T READ THE DATES.:hugs:
 
Holy moly! It took some time, but I just read through the whole thread and wanted to add one more I-just-read-through-this to the heap! It's lovely to read all that you've been through and see an update like this most recent one.

I wanted to add that I really appreciate that you keep coming back to update everyone. You may feel that this thread has been a place to ask questions and vent, like it's only for your benefit. But I want to make sure you know, as much as you've taken from this thread and these people you've never met over the years, I guarantee you've given just as much back to all of us! You've shared so much of your private life and your feelings and you've been so open, honest, humble, and kind. Even in the moments you thought you were being selfish or horrible. You gave so much to those that are going through or have been through something similar to know they're not alone in their feelings. Even though my own life and experiences with pregnancy and motherhood (so far) have been so different to yours, there were so many things I could relate to and it made me realize I'm not the only one to feel certain ways, especially in regards to those first several weeks of motherhood.

I'm so happy you're all flourishing and Gabby is thriving under your love and care. I wish you the best and I hope you're proud of everything you've done!
 
Just spent awhile reading all of that. Im glad everything is going good with you. I'm 19 and pregnant and pretty nervous about giving birth hopefully I'm as strong as you! Do you have any pictures that we can see of her?
 

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