Q for LTTTC'rs who already have a child

[ao30]

Is it worth it?

What I mean is- children are worth all of this, right?

The reason I ask is simply because I have found myself feeling very negative about having a biological child. I don't know if it's the stress of LTTTC, or perhaps because it has been so long, but I feel very empty in regards to having children. I will be 7 weeks pregnant on Friday, and I do not feel excited in the least. Part of the problem, I realize, is that I have been in this situation before and have had MC's... but even during those times I was hopeful and dreaming about babies. Right now I feel quite empty.

I am not trying to sound ungrateful (and I realize that that's how I sound), I just simply don't understand myself, and am trying to figure out why I am feeling this way.

 

[Rivetkitten]

I don't know if it's because you tried for so long...or if you sort of resigned yourself to other methods. I never "bonded" with my child when I was pregnant. I'd spent so long not believe I was pregnant; That I couldn't become pregnant. Then the constant bleeding all through my pregnancy that meant that I was never sure from one day to the next if I would remain pregnant. I sorta just shut down emotionally and felt indifferent. I was mentally preparing myself for the fact that I would never be a mother and that I would loose this child. I wanted to prepare myself for the worst. Emotionally protect myself.

When she was born, I sort of felt the same for the first few days. She was a strange creature who had invaded my life whom I felt obligated to care for, and over the following days I grew to enjoy her quirks, the odd way she seemed to observe the world with wild curiosity. She took it all in her stride. And I began to love her.

I never suffered from PPD or anything such as that and we never had any bonding issues. I think a lot of it was just a protective wall I threw up to protect myself from her death. When I felt the danger had passed, I allowed her in.

I found that scans helped a great deal. They allowed me to solidify my belief I was pregnant. Until that time a line on a stick was just something in my head. But seeing a picture on a screen allowed me to believe. But don't feel bad. Not every woman has this rainbows and sunshine pregnancy experience... Those of us who have been through the mill a bit tend to have a much more reserved experience.

 

[Red sox gal]

We have been through so much more than other woman on the same journey, it's instinct to protect our heart from possible heart break. Having had a son from ex when I wasn't trying nor ready made me grow up really quick. I had a hard time accepting my pregnancy cause my ex considered the whole thing to be a "nightmare". I suffered from ppd, most likely due to the lack of emotional support and 5 lb screaming baby that only had me to depend on. Though the first year from conception through birth was one of the most challening times of my life my son and I have a great bond. He's my lil man till the day I depart from this earth, we read each others feeling and emotions and know just what the other needs. It's because of this bond that I have set out to try for the whole pregnancy package, a joyful celebration. Little did we know the road ahead, but I feel like we've gone this far let's not stop till we have exhausted all our options or get a BFP.

Its still really early and you have every right given ur history to feel empty. I would consider your train of thought to be more a realist than ungrateful. It's the same mind frame that I'm in. I can live in statistics, but not in the land of hopes and dreams it just hurts more when you do.

 

[readyformore]

Is it worth it?

What I mean is- children are worth all of this, right?

The reason I ask is simply because I have found myself feeling very negative about having a biological child. I don't know if it's the stress of LTTTC, or perhaps because it has been so long, but I feel very empty in regards to having children. I will be 7 weeks pregnant on Friday, and I do not feel excited in the least. Part of the problem, I realize, is that I have been in this situation before and have had MC's... but even during those times I was hopeful and dreaming about babies. Right now I feel quite empty.

I am not trying to sound ungrateful (and I realize that that's how I sound), I just simply don't understand myself, and am trying to figure out why I am feeling this way.

What you're feeling is VERY normal.

My first was 19 months ttc with 4 IUIs. When I got my bfp, I wasn't excited, I was completely terrified. In fact, I couldn't even talk about it. I remember being 25 weeks pregnant and someone was asking me if I had plans for a baby shower and I thought it was ridiculous that she was even asking me. My aunts would try to talk to me about my pregnancy and they expressed concern to my mother that I refused to talk about it (I was 14 weeks at that time).
I felt certain that after my struggle (at 25, 19 months seemed very long), my body would never know how to carry a baby. And then, I felt guilty because I wasn't bubbly and jumping up and down for joy.

Basically, I had lost complete confidence in my bodies ability to produce a child. It failed to conceive naturally, why would it carry a baby to term? I just couldn't trust my body anymore. . . it was 'broken'. I can only imagine that you are undergoing even more self preservation because of your history of miscarriage. Even without lttc, lots of women are ambivilent about their pregnancies. It's normal even if you don't understand it.

If you look at the resolve website, you can find information about pregnancy after lttc. I found it helpful. At least it made me feel more normal. I remember reading a statement from a women that was pregnant again after recurrent miscarriages. She said that she was so tired of people congratulating her on her pregnancy. She said "This is not exciting. This is stressful and everyday feels like I'm walking on eggshells."

The baby will be worth it. . . I promise. When your belly gets big, and you feel that baby move, when you SEE it move. . . . . it's like magic.

I can tell you in all honesty, that raising your sweet little person will help erase the scars that lttc has caused. Sometimes, you'll even forget that you were lttc, you'll just be a normal parent. The pain and memories never go completely away, but the sweet baby is like a balm to your wounds.

 

[MariaF]

I don't have kids and not even had a single BFP but I do understand how you feel! And it's not feeling ungrateful!

If you've been let down by nature so many times, it's no wonder you can't get excited! It's normal! It's like your emotional self defence kicks in and you don't want to get excited and bond with the bean in case you have to go through a loss again.

Plus, pregnancy hormones are naaaasty

I really, really hope this baby sticks! I bet that closer to 20 weeks or so you'll start getting excited! Just accept that the first few months will be tough but please don't blame yourself or feel guilty!

Chin up, chick - you'll be fine