Question for Mum's Already

[xLeeBeex]

Hello Ladies,

Just a quick question really. One of the things I'm nervous about when having a baby, is the way it will affect the relationship with the OH.

So, for those of you who are mum's already, how did your relationships change with your OH's? Bring you closer? Make you argue more?

Me and my OH have pretty similar views on parenting I think, so don't think there will be many disagreements with that kinda thing. I just know what I'm like if i'm tired haha I don't want to snap at him (a bad habit of mine!) and cause strain etc. But saying that, we've got through some stuff and we are so strong together now. I'm sure it will all be fine but I am a bit of a worrier!

 

[MummyKP]

I was going to ask this. Clearly everyone is different, but I saw a post on here somewhere saying they've had serious issues etc and sex doesn't happen anymore, but surely if you make the effort your relationship is more likely to survive?thats what people forget these days - yes I will give me kids my all but I also want to keep my relationship alive and strong and have time together!

 

[staralfur]

It went through phases in the earlier days but overall I think we're in a much better place now that we're through the first couple of years.

It's not really about not putting in effort, honestly. Having a baby is such a huge change and it affects everyone differently. Studies have shown that marital dissatisfaction is at the highest the first year after having a baby, and that's not because everyone ignores their spouse. In all likelihood you're both tired, both stressed out, both trying to figure out how to balance all of your responsibilities and each other. It's harder than I thought it would be. Even with regular date nights, it took us time to get back into the swing of things. Plus my LO was very high needs, so whenever we were with her, she took 100% of our attention and sucked all of our energy.

I think that our LO has made us both happier, more responsible people in general, so that in turn has helped our relationship. Also seeing what a wonderful father he is makes me love him even more.

Basically, I think there are bound to be struggles in the early days (unless you have an angel baby who sleeps wonderfully and is content), but that's not to say that your relationship as a whole will be worse. Most people come out the other side just fine (or better).

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

I don't think we've changed much. We were blessed with a baby that sleeps through almost every night and hardly throws a tantrum, so that makes things easier on us I think. Plus we're both laid back and hold a lot of similar views, so it takes a lot to shake things up. The hardest part was him getting back from an assignment when she was 11 months old; he had spent the last 10 months not having to do diapers/bottles/etc, so it took him a bit to adjust back to "daddy mode".

Don't forget that you are a couple as well as parents, and take time for yourselves if you have someone that can watch the baby when you're ready. We always feel closer after a date night! We spend time together every night after DD goes down as well, instead of going off to do our own separate thing.

If you find you snap when you're tired, you might want to research ways to help change that, since you will be tired, especially during those newborn days (which I prefer to call the "dark days" ). Otherwise just make sure your partner knows it will happen, and you're sorry and you still love them very much!

 

[justplay91]

4 months into this parenting thing, I can tell you that if you have a solid relationship, you'll come out fine on the other side. Those "dark days" as pp very accurately called them are hard and crazy and if you're like me, you'll find yourself questioning everything from your decision to have a baby in the first place (only briefly, mind you) to your decision to be with your OH! There are SO MANY EMOTIONS! Lol. You'll be severely sleep deprived, extremely hormonal, and your life has just changed in such a big way. You start to think about everything differently. Life, death, and love all have much deeper meanings. It's all very overwhelming, and it can be extremely hard not to snap at your OH, and anyone else in your path. It's not uncommon to go from yelling to hysterical crying to feeling a powerful rush of love for your OH and new baby all in the span of about 10 seconds, lol. There isn't really much you can do in those first days/weeks, but know that they definitely do end and even when it's at its absolute worst, it will feel amazing and like its the most worthwhile thing you've ever done.
So while I would say it has made OH and I argue more, I'd say it has also brought us closer and made us much more understanding of each other. You've been with your OH for 7 years, so I think you'll make it through just fine. You'll both be so happy most of the time that the times you do snap at each other won't matter anyway

 

[Pearls18]

I feel we are stronger as a couple but you really have to work together, too often I see babies as an excuse for couples to stop spending time together, stop having sex, stop making an effort, obviously this is a bit inevitable in those early weeks but I think some people let it go on for far too long. I believe the key to a strong family unit is a strong partnership, I don't feel guilty for going out with DH because he is my best friend, I love spending time with him, it nurtures our relationship and in the end that is better for the boys, I watched my parents resent each other as my mum revolved her entire world around my brother and myself alone, my dad was totally left out and eventually they divorced. The boys go to bed at 7 so we have the evening to talk, we give back rubs, we haven't let our sex life slide, we try and go out when we are able which isn't easy with family away but we will do something inside instead if not. I do not centre my universe around my children, there are 4 people in this family and we all deserve mutual attention and love. Yes the beginning is very difficult, even when DH was around (he does work away sometimes) I missed him as I felt hard to connect with a demanding newborn, but it passes and we're all the more stronger for it now, but I can see how couples without strong relationships don't last with babies or start resenting each other, sometimes it feels like having a baby is a battle lol and you're either against each other, or with each other! It's also important you're on the same page in terms of housework and childcare etc, so many times I see women do EVERYTHING and they no wonder become resentful, it isn't respectful to her (sometimes the mum just won't let the dad do things especially with looking after the baby), we are very much 50/50, neither one of us "expects" anything of the other, and this is VERY important I think. Honestly I've been happier these last few years than we were before because I love him so much more seeing what a wonderful father and husband he has become (as we have been together since we were 17) we're coming up to our 10 years together 4 year wedding anniversary to which we are guilt free spending the night away in a gorgeous hotel, he has to go away sometimes and I still get the butterflies when he returns! Kids don't have to be a long term issue to a relationship if you don't let it, all relationships need nurturing, with and without children.


So sorry for the waffle, it's something I feel quite strongly about, especially given my own parents.

 

[xprincessx]

Personally it brought us closer but we were already close to begin with. If there were rough patches then we wouldn't have NTNP. It can either make or break a relationship and honestly until it happens you don't know which it'll be. You could be immensely strong before a baby comes along and then cracks can show or you can be on the brink of divorce and have it strengthen you. It really depends on the needs of the baby, how you cope with it as parents, the relationship in the first place and the strength of your relationship.

 

[MummyKP]

Couldn't agree more with MarineWAG, it's something I will ensure we keep doing in our relationship - having the evenings together, date nights whether it's going out or in, etc. We do it now as a married couple, so why would we not do it when we've got a family? I do worry about the stress at the beginning when they are newborn as DH isn't great with lack of sleep, but I'm sure he will adapt to it. Like you all say, the first few months are difficult but I can imagine once you're past that hard phase, seeing DH being as a dad and having time to each other etc it's worth it!

 

[Springermommy]

This is a great question and something that crosses my mind from time to time also! DH and I have been friends for 10 years and married for 2, and we're pretty strong, so hopefully we come out ok! I think date nights will be very important and doing other things to put money in the "relationship bank."

That's great that you guys have been together 7 years! That strong foundation, I would think, will definitely help! Cheers!

 

[xLeeBeex]

Thank you all for the replies you all make a lotta sense xx

 

[krissie328]

We have our ups and downs. We were together 10 years before having DS and I think we got really comfortable as a couple. Between the stress of not sleeping and all the responsibilities of a baby we did snap at each other. But now that things are in a pattern and our roles are a bit more defined we are probably stronger now than before. I know I love my husband differently and more deeply. I feel we both believe our DS was a true blessing to us as individuals and to our marriage.

 

[justmeinlove]

It can be really hard. We have an Amazing relationship. But no support network so haven't been out together alone for nearly two years. Tiny is high attachment needs and still wakes through the night so I can be shattered and grumpy still. I have to work in the evenings so we don't really get time together then. I really miss the huge amounts of alone time we don't get, and that's not lack of effort, that's having a baby in our situation. But hopefully we will get more time once she sleeps better.
Basically don't assume it will just be the first few months that are hard. Keep communicating and considering the other one. Good luck.