Rainbows after the storm (late loss/stillbirth/neonatal loss/sids)

[amjon]

Dextersmum, we need to do the same in reverse. We need to go through everything and take out all the pink/ purple.

We decided to go ahead and announce the babies' names on FB today. I had DH take a picture today. We also had my dad help with our 2nd maternity shoot. :O) They'll be going to the MFM with us on Thursday before they head home, so we're happy about that.

 

[dextersmum]

sweet I think you are right about the lights because I felt funny all the way round I just wasn't impressed with my husbands response but I suppose it was a typical man response lol.

Amjon I love the boys names Ashton and Austin. Is that your bump on the photo? if so it doesn't look as big as you told us it was

It is a hard thing to have to do going through your baby's things to sort out what you have for the next baby. So many things to cry about when you see the things you have that your angel didn't get to wear or play with. I don't think for me there is ever going to be an easy time to do it so if there tears flow when I do it then so be it

baby is moving a bit more already today I just wish she would kick hell out of me every day so I know she is ok. I really would not complain as I love feeling her moving about more and just get a bit anxious when she is quiet.

Nicola I am thinking about you today and hoping everything is good on the scan and baby is growing as she should be and bleeding and contractions have stopped

 

[amjon]

Amjon I love the boys names Ashton and Austin. Is that your bump on the photo? if so it doesn't look as big as you told us it was

For me it's huge. I never got this big with Taylor. I've also still not gained any weight (was down a bit actually at my last visit). I was actually measuring 28 weeks last week, so for 21 that's huge.

 

[dextersmum]

Thinking about you Nicola hope everything is ok x

 

[nicola ttc]

All ok thanks Tracy. Got home tonight, scan was fine, all settled. Baby weight estimated 2lb 4oz. Have follow ups next week and hopefully all will be ok now.

 

[Krippy]

Glad the scan went well Nicola! Thinking of you!

 

[Springflower]

Argh I've missed so much! Nicola - How very scary! So pleased to hear you are home and your little miss is looking ok. Before Christmas I had contractions and it was discovered I wasn't drinking enough so I've really upped my water intake. I'm sure you are already on it, but thought I'd mentioned it just in case! I love Eden, it's such a gorgeous name. i retired my oh with it the other day and he said he wanted to sleep on it but then decided he didnt like it. So we are still at Lara and Cassie. Well Lara really as Cassie is a no for me but I havent mentioned anything to oh yet!

Tracy - I wouldn't worry about work. Whats £900 in the grand scheme of things. It sounds like you are concerned so if you are worrying I would cancel the job. You and your bubba are all that matter.

Sweet so pleased to hear your bloods are normal. That itching thing is odd isnt it?

AFM had another growth scan. Baby is now right on the edge of normal small so I'm now going to have full growth scans every two weeks. I have a feeling she's going to come early becuase of it but we'll see. In some ways I do feel better as I knew I was small and now its been confirmed.

We met with the hospital yesterday about this baby and my care during and after birth. I'm starting to feel quite anxious. I'm terrified the bug will get either me or this baby. Just got to hope everything will be ok. I know the hosptial are on the case though so that does offer me some reassurrance. I'm so confused about what to do. Whether to have an ecs or try natural. No one really knows what is safest for both of us. Wish we could magic her out!


Re buggies - For the girls we had an icandy peach blossom. When we lost Marnie I was going to sell the whole thing but then decided just to sell the "twin" bits and keep it as a single buggy. My old boss has a Phil and Teds double buggy which she has kindly given to us so we will use that.

Hope everyone else is going ok.

Lexi - are you ok? You havent been about much recently?

 

[Springflower]

OMG - I'm next!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[sweetbuthyper]

glad your out of hospital nicola.

afm - the itching is a little less, think its due to getting to hot possibly and rls combined. however i can't stand being cold and it doesn't really help as i already have the heat rash, i'm very tired today because i didn't get to sleep til nearly 4 woke up to hubbys alarm at 7 and didn't get back to sleep til 9 had to get up at 11 as felt bad as the dog needed to go out, shes so good with me getting up late but i always feel bad.

add to that i also have tooth ache today, hoping its just because my gum is sore behind it altho i know the tooth has a massive hole in and needs to come out at some point, would just rather that be after bean is born due to a) its a wisdom tooth and so probs difficult to get out, b) i'm prone to dry socket naturally c) i'm on hormones that make you more prone to dry socket, and so could really do with nursing it through so i avoid antibiotics and extreme pain during pregnancy, gonna up the corsodyl use and see if when the gum heals the tooth settles.

We went through baby clothes yesterday, i am actually suprised how little we have i remember having more and although we have short sleeved vests coming out of our ears we don't have that much else. I do know we gave away alot of vests ( hard to see we still have so many) and baby grows altho we still have loads of those as well. It wasn't as hard as i expected altho not sure if i can use the little roo stuff as that was brought specifically for nathaniel as we called him little roo, but i will probs change my mind and be ok once bean is here.

still need to gro through the mountain of baby stuff we have in the loft but think i have a basic idea of what we still need to get and it seems alot but i guess thats what happens when you give stuff to family who have babys after you.

 

[dextersmum]

so glad to hear you are home and things seem to have settled down for you Nicola. I bet that is a relief.

Alex how big do they think the baby is at the moment and have they said why she is on the small side? What did you mean when you said you are terrified the bug might get you or baby? Did the hospital say that you will have to have the baby early because of her growth or are they just going to keep checking her every 2 weeks and ensure she is growing?

I am not having a very good day today as I am a nervous wreck (again) just feel that Lexi has not moved much today and at certain times when I am used to feeling her eg lunch time I haven't really felt her. I had a midwife apt and yet again I was crying in her room and talking about how paranoid I feel at the moment. She listened to Lexi's heartbeat and it was steady with no decelleration. She said due to the fact that I am only 25 weeks the hospital would not be able to do anything other than listen in on a doppler and I have a scan booked for thursday followed by consultants apt. So I am going to see her at 8.30pm tonight to listen to heartbeat again and then again tomorrow that way we will be able to see if it stays at a steady pace or changes. I have had a lie down and listened to a relaxation cd and felt baby move with some stronger movements and felt her the odd time since. Midwife also thinks she may be lay with her back to my stomach as she felt like the baby's heartbeat sounded like it was in the background rather than at the front. She also noticed on my scan that I had on the 23/2 when I was in hospital said anterior placenta yet I remember asking the sonographer and he verbally told me it wasn't anterior?? so that could be another reason I can't feel Lexi as much today. BUT I tell you I am a nervous wreck and can't turn off the negativity in my head and the little voice of doubt. I know the fact that mothers day on sunday and then Dexters angelversary the wednesday after are playing heavily on my mind and I am really paranoid that something is going to happen to Lexi around this time. I am driving myself mad ladies so if any of you have any advice of what you do to calm yourselves down when you are having a bad day I would appreciate some advice because I am worrying myself into a mad state

 

[Springflower]

Lovely, wish I could give you a big hug. I wish I had some wise words but I don't. All I can say id that I'm EXACTLY the same. Yesterday I was howling at my cons. I'm terrified that this baby is going to die inside me or something will go wrong in delivery and I'll lose her then. For me the worry is getting worse. I'm not sure if like you its because Marnie's anniverary is soon.

This would be my advice. Talk to your cons and dont hold back, tell him/her how frightened you are. It's their job to try and reassure you and it thats by more scans or with something else then fine. You need hand holding through this process. I'm having lots of movement worries. I barely feel her and it freaks me out. All we can do is hang in there.

The drs think I might now be a carrier for the bug which ultimately killed Marnie and which we nealry lost Indya too, So if I'm a carrier the baby will be to which means there is a risk to both of us. Hate that f-ing hospital for what they have done to my family!!!!!!!!!!

If the baby carries on at the rate she is, she'll be 5lbs when she is born. They are hoping that by keeping an eye they can keep her in for as long as possible, but I think that my worry and stress may well push them to get her out earlier, but we'll see.

Lots of love chicky. Happy to pm you my mobile number and we can go crazy together.

 

[dextersmum]

Alex it would be great to swap numbers so that we can support each other if you are happy to so that as it sounds like we could both do with someone to talk to at the moment x

 

[Springflower]

Have sent you a pm Tracy

 

[dextersmum]

thanks Alex I have sent you a text so you have my number and we can support each other over the phone.

Having a better day today as I am trying to relax but keep my mind busy with a bit of work and I have felt Lexi move more and have been recording every time I feel her. Also been to see midwife to listen to her heartbeat and it is beating away strongly with no decelerations which is great. I have my scan and consultant apt tomorrow morning so am hoping for some reassurance from that or at least an update about whether baby has grown in the last 2 weeks and everything is ok with placenta etc and I will talk to the consultant about my worries and nervousness.

My midwife is lovely and prepared to see me everyday if that is what I need. I have another apt with her next monday but fingers crossed I will be a little more relaxed after the scan tomorrow. Such a roller coaster journey this pregnancy

 

[sweetbuthyper]

i feel kind of lost with what to say to you girls who have angel 1st birthdays coming up nathaniels seems so long ago and was i guess ( 8 months) and unless i go over due with this little one i wont be pregnant on his next birthday i'm actually due the day after.

all i really can say is it does get easier it still hurts and the pain is still there but the first of everything as so much harder. eg this christmas was a lot easier than last x

 

[Springflower]

Thanks Sweet

It's not Dexter and Marnie's birthday's, it's coming up to the date which we lost them. They are a few days apart. I hope you are right and it's harder this time because it is a first and also I guess being pregnant it brings it all back doesnt it? Mother's day I suspect doesnt help.

Tracy - So pleased to hear today is a better day. Your midwife sounds lovely just what you need!

Hope everyone else is doing ok

 

[sweetbuthyper]

ah sorry guys well i guess for me its the same day so i just assumed, either way i would say that the first are still harder, not sure if having the birthday and anniversery of loss on the same day is better, worse or just the same. having not been through it i can't seem to compehend how hard having them for a few days/ weeks would be, sometimes i wish i got that to spend some time with him others i think its easier because i didn't get it.

Mothers day last year was hard ( i think i found it harder not being pregnant because i wanted to be so badly), this year not so much but i'm not sure if thats because i'm pregnant and so fx i will get to experience it next year or because i'm 24 weeks on mothers day and its v day. which i know isn't any comfort to those that lost after that but is a real comfort to me because it gives some hope.

 

[dextersmum]

we have to hang on to anything that gives us hope sweet that is why I am prepared to go to my midwife every day to listen to Lexi's heartbeat because as long as that is steady and shows no deceleration that gives me hope that she is happy and well until I am further along in the pregnancy and the hospital can do other things to monitor me if I am worried in any way.

I did a 25 minute relaxation cd at about 8pm and I lay on the bed listening to it and Lexi was moving about so that gives me hope and again it is something I plan to do every day at least once just to be able to relax and hopefully feel Lexi whilst I am doing it. Just had a bit of ice-cream and got a few kicks from that. Just trying to find ways to relax and have hope for tomorrows scan so that I can get some sleep tonight.

I think I am going to find mothers day hard because last year we lost Dexter 4 days before mothers day and this year it is mothers day first then Dexter's angelversary 3 days after. I suppose I am wishing that I had had mothers day with Dexter last year before he went to heaven.

Well I am going ot watch OBEM now lol

 

[dextersmum]

had our scan today and lexi was moving about all the time and was giving the sonographer a run for his money when he was trying to take all her measurements and check the placenta doppler. I couldn't feel all of her movements but hubby said she didn't stop. That could be why I am not feeling her all the time too but she is moving about?? We have been told her weight is in the lower 10 percentile which means she is in the bottom of average for that and they are not overly concerned at the moment but I have another planned scan in 2 weeks so they will check again if she stays in lower percentile or goes above it that is good but if she goes off that scale then she is classed as small and I will have to have a scan every two weeks to check her growth so really hope she starts putting on weight now all her measurements are right for the gestation and she actually weighs 728g and Dexter was 730g when he was born so she is the same weight as her big brother was when born so as long as she keeps putting on weight all is good.
The consultant told me that if I am ever concerned about babys movements or pattern I should phone triage straight away and they will see me because they are there 24/7 and even if I go every day that is fine so that is reassuring.

I am off to the Girls aloud concert tonight with my niece and step daughter so I will see if Lexi dances to loud music

How is everybody else doing??

 

[sweetbuthyper]

beans being quiet today i have felt him so i know hes ok and he has had a busy few days being up all night so guess he is just tired now, sure he will be jumping around again later on and i will be saying how uncomfy it is when he boots my cervix.

otherwise tooth ache and sore gum have gone yay, just run down with a cold,
counting down the days til sunday now, and have midwife next thursday gonna have a chat with her as i'm a tad worried by my lack of weight gain altho i know the rest of my body is shrinking so guess its just that.

glad lexi is doing well dextersmum and fx crossed she starts gaining now. i should have my first fundal height measurement i think next week just fx hes on the chart and growing well my bump hasn't really gotten bigger or i don't feel it has in the last 2 weeks.