Sensitive kids group

[Tacey]

Thanks Polaris. I'm really hoping it's a short lived phase!

Omarsmum. It sounds like your whole family is going through it at the moment. I've no advice, but hopefully it helps to unload here. I'm not sure it helps, but you're not at all alone in losing it at times. I've been a very shouty mum lately. It doesn't help that shouting actually gets through to Alice, as it ends up being my fall back option. I just try and apologise, and carry on.

Here's the bit about me and DH.

I'm the sensitive one of the two of us. I have social anxiety, and struggle with depression on and off. Not many people would realise I am anxious in public, as I mask it well, but trying to hide it is very exhausting, and it takes me a long time to recover. My biggest issues are perfectionism, and being hyper aware of other people (especially regarding what they think of me.). Not a great combination. On the upside, it means I have a lot of empathy though. DH is my polar opposite. He's not at all sensitive to others, he makes me cringe, as he can't read people's signs. You have to be very literal with him. He's very calm, and level headed, which is a great foil for my wildly varying highs and lows. The only clear similarity is that we're both introverts, he's the archetypal computer geek, and I'm the bookworm. I see more of him in Alice. She does seem to have inherited my emotional side though. We both have a heck of a temper!

 

[polaris]

About other people in the family - I've been thinking about this a bit over the months. In some ways I can see similarities between me and Thomas but in other ways we are very different. I am definitely inclined to stand back and observe before jumping into a situation, which is similar to Thomas. I'm perfectionistic too and can be a bit obsessive about doing certain things in a particular way, like cleaning things in a particular order or hanging the washing in a particular way. It bugs me when OH does it differently and I actually prefer to do it myself rather than have it done "wrong". I guess I am a bit of a control freak LOL. As a child I was a loner really - although I got on quite well with other people I used to just bury myself in books and always liked my own company. I went through a tough few years as a teenager and really struggled to "fit in" socially and felt like an outcast really. Luckily I got over that phase and I am not an anxious person anymore really. I still need a lot of time alone, I'm definitely an introvert although I do enjoy other people's company too. I am an optimist and will always try to see the good in a situation or in a person. I think I'm quite practical and realistic about things. I'm a very light sleeper and wake up with any slight noise or light from the windows in the morning. Some noises really annoy me, like the buzz if a TV is left on stand-by or if a radio is left on turned down very low. In other ways, I'm not sensitive at all. I don't mind new situations, I'm not fussy about foods or anything like that. I often wouldn't notice changes, e.g. if someone got their hair cut or changed their car I probably wouldn't notice. I just don't pay attention to those things really.

OH is sensitive in a different way to me. He is a classical guitarist and is very musical and very emotionally sensitive. He is very intuitive and can make usually very accurate judgments of people and situations based on intuition rather than reasoning things out (which is how I would approach it). He doesn't mind new situations or changes and isn't phased by things being done in a different way to normal. He's more laid back than me and he doesn't really get angry often (whereas I do have a quick temper).

Thomas is very similar to my dad in lots of ways in terms of his personality. This is kind of worrying because my dad gets extremely anxious about lots of things and drinks to deal with his anxiety. I didn't get on well with him growing up but we have a much better relationship now. My brother is definitely sensitive and struggled with depression and anxiety during his twenties but is coping much better now.

 

[DaisyBee]

Sorry I didn't have time to think about things last night or do the pic... Megan didn't sleep well last night and I was in and out of her room all evening. She was too excited about Xmas. already!!!! Lol I'm in trouble! Everyone has posted lots of things that I want to comment on but I need to be clear headed and not distracted to think about it. So I WILL comment... Just not now.

I called my parents to talk to my dad this morning and my mom was involved in conversation as well. Im so frustrated with her. We are supposed to be spending saturday and Sunday the weekend before Xmas at their house. She made a comment about how last year presents went way too late because we had to stop in the middle for me to put Megan to bed. Well we were hoping she would handle it and be able to stay up but she went from fine to rubbing eyes and crying very quickly. So everyone said fine, we will take a break with presents and I could do megans bedtime routine. Well now my mom makes that sound like I wrecked Xmas eve presents time. So then i bring up dinner and say that Jordan isn't going to handle eating much later than 5. I mean she is a baby and isn't just going to be ok eating late. She doesn't ever handle that. By 4:45 she is whiny and wanting solids. She has to eat at 5 whether we are home or out. Well then my mom says that 5 is way too early for us to eat the fish that she is making ( why?) and so maybe I should feed the girls early and then we will eat later. I explained that when she did that at thanksgiving that didn't work as dh had to wolf down his food as Megan felt totally left out when we were all eating. We always eat as a family, she isn't used to eating separately. So dh and Megan played during thanksgiving meal. She is also suggesting that she will give the kids their present before dinner, not during the normal presents time. Well that's fine. But then if we are eating dinner late... And she wants our presents earlier than last year... Where does that leave my kids? Out again. When am I going to put Jordan to bed? It takes more than 5 minutes even with the fact that she self settles. And Megan doesn't have a bed at my moms and just sleeps on the floor with a sleeping bag. I don't think she feels comfortable with doing that alone. At thanksgiving my mom stayed with her and it took a long time for her to fall asleep. Well I'm sure Xmas will be worse. So Megan should just stay up then til after presents. But my mom doesnt want to do her present with ours as she says well she will be too excited and stay up all night. So she is going to just have to sit and watch while all the grownups open lots of presents ( my mom only buys her 1). And then she was going to do stockings Sunday morning but I told her at megans bday that I didn't want her to, as I don't want Megan confused, santa isn't coming to grandmas too. And my brothers, spouses, all get stockings. And at home only Megan and jordan. Megan might notice... She pays attention to everything and is questioning everything. So my mom was annoyed about that. And I talked to my brother as well and he was very annoyed at me. But he is 30... He knows it's from my mom and he has no kids, he doesn't understand at all my issue with the stockings. But now today mom says she bought gift bags instead. So she will put everything in those vs the stockings. It's so silly, it's the same stuff we got as kids. Chapstick, gum, apple, orange, lotion, animal crackers. I don't understand why they had to be annoyed that I didn't want to confuse megan. Anyway I said something to my mom about my brother not wanting to give that tradition up. I said Xmas is more about my kids now than it is me. As she does believe in santa and is excited about it, I don't want my mom to mess that up. Well my mom says that her Xmas is about her kids... Me and my brothers. Nice. So it's not about her grandkids obviously.

So my kids aren't the priority, and yet we are spending 2 whole days before our Xmas over there. And so Megan will be sugared up, lack of sleep and schedule, and be a mess before OUR Xmas and Xmas with dh's family. We travel 2 1/4 hrs to my family which is why we stay over night. But my mom is expecting us to be staying even for a big Xmas meal on Sunday before we leave for home. I'm so upset and had to vent.

Im going to reread the past few pages tonight when I'm in a better mood. And hopefully Megan sleeps so I can get on the computer. They wouldn't let me download the pic with the iPad as I need flash.

 

[polaris]

Daisybee
One of the things that really bugs me is when I'm made to feel like I'm being unreasonable/irrational/a control freak because I point out that something is not going to work with Thomas's schedule/temperament/whatever. I get this a lot from OH's family, especially because OH's brother has twin girls slightly older than Thomas and they are totally laid back and "go with the flow" about everything. But they are totally different children. They are definitely not highly sensitive, they are not bothered by anything, they've been like that since they were babies. It never mattered if they miss a nap because they might be a bit tired or slightly cranky but they don't go into total meltdown and it doesn't affect their sleep for the rest of the day. They can handle late nights, parties, etc. and they are not fazed by it. They brought them to Glastonbury festival at three months old and the twins just slept their normal 12 hours straight through the night. I know SIL believe that the girls are like that because she is so relaxed as a parent and that Thomas is not like that because I am so uptight and stress about everything. Whereas the reason I need to control things with Thomas is that it just doesn't go well otherwise. Whereas Clara seems to be much more flexible. But everyone just comments that "Oh it must be because you are more relaxed second time around". Really annoys me. I'm more relaxed because I'm not sleep-deprived and not having to micro-manage every minute of the day in order to get her to nap etc. I had to be that way with Thomas because of how he was, not the other way round.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant!!

 

[DaisyBee]

here is the xmas card pic... i didnt realize til yesterday that its not the pic i wanted, but its still nice. megan wasnt actually smiling in this one.. and she was in the one i thought i picked. oh well. I ordered lots of different prints but this is the one I got the Xmas cards with. So at least I have the other ones to hang.

the other pic is the one i mentioned shortly after megan was born - her looking at dh

 

[DaisyBee]

So I've started reading back a few pages and it might seem random but oh well!

Kel - do you think he doesn't play with his sister because she is a baby still? I had daycare kids that completly ignored siblings until they were able to really play with them.

Tacey - have you done the spd checklist for Alice? You mentioned the out of sync child and wondering if some of what you say even about the affection could be in that list.

Polaris - you mentioned Thomas not being in preschool yet... When is everyone's kids going to be going to preschool and then school? I've noticed ages are different depending on where everyone lives. I know i mentioned it before... But Megan doesnt even have the option to go to preschool until September next year. So she will be 3 2/3. She can do 2 or 3 days and its only 21/2 hrs long. Kindergarden for her won't be til 5 2/3 ( sept when she is 5). So she has over 2 1/2 years yet until kindergarden. And kindergarden in our school district is 1/2 days which is 2 3/4 hrs long. I'm not in a rush for her to go to preschool, but I think she gets bored and so I think it would help with that. Im not worried about her socially as she is fine there, but if she stays overstimulated and isn't at baseline then it's going to be a real struggle for all of us. And sleep will suffer, which then means everything will suffer. When I was a child I Sunday school for an hour on sundays at 3 1/2. I didn't go to preschool until 4 1/2 and that was only one morning a week. I started kindergarden at 5 1/2. I didnt feel behind anyone else. I did well in school. I was shy and had a few close friends vs being friends with everyone. I didnt like to talk in class, and I let others push me around. I don't think social activity in my younger years would have changed that. It's just who I was. although I do wonder now as an adult how my parents raised me... If that affected me in different ways. It's a big reason why I am trying my best to do right by my kids. Reading some of these parenting books that I've been reading, and the talk about listening to your kids, teaching them about their emotions, self esteem, etc, etc. It's been making me think a lot about my childhood.

 

[cutie4evr01]

I know SIL believe that the girls are like that because she is so relaxed as a parent and that Thomas is not like that because I am so uptight and stress about everything. Whereas the reason I need to control things with Thomas is that it just doesn't go well otherwise. Whereas Clara seems to be much more flexible. But everyone just comments that "Oh it must be because you are more relaxed second time around". Really annoys me.

Arrgghhh! I TOTALLY understand! My family are the exact same. Caitlyn is so much more of a "go-with-the-flow" kind of kid and everyone says it's because I'm more relaxed. I get so frustrated with that, as it's totally down to temperament, not anything I did differently. Another one that used to bug me was when Christina walked late (17 months), everyone said it was because I carried her around too much. When Caitlyn was born they said she would walk sooner because she had big sister to look up to and we couldn't carry her everywhere, but lo and behold she's 15 months and still not really walking (she actually took her first steps about 1.5 months ago, and CAN walk, but prefers to crawl). So it's clearly not down to how I'm raising them differently, it's just part of who they are, and those same people have shut their mouth now about that walking one. My family are quite happy our lives don't revolve around naptime anymore with Caitlyn, and thankfully they don't live here so we only have to deal with that a few times a year anyway.

Daisybee, I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your family. I feel the same about stockings and Santa coming to other people's houses as they can easily get confused at this age. And it drives me bonkers when MIL plans her dinner's late knowing that the kids need to eat early and need to go to bed at some point. We often end up feeding them early and then we're trying to put them in bed while everyone else is eating - I have vowed to never be like that once my daughters are grown and have their own families. Certainly Christmas should be about the children, not just your mother's grown children! I LOVE your picture - they both have such gorgeous eyes.

Omarsmum, to you too! I'm sorry you have been having a difficult time with Omar. I find myself falling into bouts of threatening (not physical, but "if you don't do xyz, you'll have to go in time out") during difficult times also, and I always regret it later, but we only can do the best we can. This age is just a difficult one.

Tacey, so sorry to hear about the night wakings, I'm sure that is difficult. We too have a reward system where Christina gets one sticker if she stays in her bed/room all night (except potty breaks). She does go through phases sometimes where she wants me to stay in there with her, but it's usually at bedtime, and I just can't sleep on her floor all night, so I'll admit sometimes we do just leave her to fuss a bit. We have a very clear routine each night and I think sometimes she's just testing to see if she can get away with it, and once she realizes she's not going to, she quickly goes to sleep and we don't have problems for a while.

Polaris, I think skipping the Santa visit is perfectly fine at this age. We only went to so many because MIL arranged 2 of them and the others were activities organized by friend/neighbors. Christina didn't even sit on any of the Santas we saw and I think that's really normal at this age.

I can't say whether DH and I are sensitive or not - I don't really think we are. I too have what I call "OCD tendencies" in that I like things done in a certain way and sometimes go back a few times to be sure the doors are locked. I've seen this in Christina a little bit as everything has to be in it's place and things must be done in a certain order everytime. I am a little bossy, and Christina is too. I am introverted, but I enjoy spending time with my friends. I do generally need a decompress time though. I don't like change; I'm always very anxious during big transitions (starting college, starting grad school, starting a job, etc.). I don't notice other people's changes (hair cuts, etc.) either, Polaris. I am emotional also. My DH is quite different from me - he is laid back and very sociable. Everyone likes him and he doesn't anger easily. He is a teacher and coach, and is well-suited for that. One thing that bugs me about him is that he gives up easily on some things. If he's trying to fix something around the house for example, he'll try one or two things and then get frustrated and give up, whereas I am more of a problem-solver and would patiently try several things until we find a solution (maybe the engineer in me).

Probably a little off-topic, but I am getting concerned recently about Christina's stuttering. She was stuttering a little bit about 2 months ago and I thought it was the normal toddler type where brain is working faster than mouth can move, but she sort of got over it for a while and then it came back and much worse this time - happening almost every sentence, not just when she's excited, several repetitions, sometimes just the first sound rather than the whole word as she was doing before. Also, I feel like she's not speaking as clearly as she was a few months ago, not annunciating as well and generally friends/strangers don't understand as much of what she says as they did before. I'm debating either asking for a speech therapy referral now, or waiting to mention it at her 3-yr checkup in Jan. What I've read online says it should last 6 months before we get concerned, and it's only been just over 2 with some time in between that she was fine, but it seems pretty severe to me.

 

[cutie4evr01]

We are debating preschool ourselves. Our church has a preschool that starts from age 1, and offers before and after care, so we were thinking of sending Christina next fall (she'll be past 3.5 years old), but I'm thinking she'll be ahead of what they are learning academically and I like the home daycare setting she is in, so we haven't decided yet. I really am drawn to Montessori schools, but around here the primary classes (age 3-6) are all 5 days per week. There is a half-day option, so 5 days for 3 hours a day doesn't seem too bad to me, but that's just not compatible with my work schedule (I work 3 full days, and the commute is really long, so I wouldn't want to switch to 5 half days), so to do Montessori school, we'd have to do 5 full days. I just can't find the benefit in sending her to school 5 full days per week at age 3 if we don't have to (please don't take offense if any of you are considering this, I just meant since I only have to work 3 days/wk I would prefer something compatible with that). Ideally she could go to a half-day preschool 3 days/wk and then someone could drive her back to her home daycare for the afternoons, but we don't really know anyone that can do that for us, so we're debating between the 3 days/wk of full-time care at my church preschool vs staying at the in-home daycare we're in now. It's so tough to decide what's best.

She also starts preschool Sept when she is 5, so not for another 2.5 years when she'll be past 5.5 yrs old. I don't know if kindergarten here is half-day or full-day.

 

[DaisyBee]

Omarsmum - I wonder if Omar was able to go shut himself out when he wasn't overstimulated... And lately being so busy he's been just constantly overstimulated and then doesn't go shut himself down, so it continues. I do think Megan is this way. I think it's why she was a mess as a baby and yet omar slept a lot. She was so overstimulated and yet he wasn't. So he was able to shut himself down. Megan nowadays has an easier time calming herself and finding ways to self soothe and regulate when she is at baseline ( And when I call it that... Its only because I'm not sure how else to say it! Lol) The past week when she has been constantly overaroused and not at baseline I don't see her self regulating at all. I'm having to step in and make her do it or we have major meltdowns. Even last night and now today she is overstimulated again. She was excited about Xmas and the reindeer, etc. Yesterday. She didnt go to sleep until almost midnight. So woke overtired. Today she helped make cookies, played in the first snow of the year that is staying on the ground ( super exciting for her). So had a few fun things but on a normal day she would be fine, but wasn't today. She had major meltdown before dinner tonight. And after dinner was a total mess. And still isn't sleeping yet. So the cycle continues. Hers isn't all related to sleep... But her overstimulation affects her sleep greatly and I'm sure on less sleep she gets overstimulated easier.

Polaris - not silly at all if you don't want to do Santa this year. If when we go next weekend she decides she doesn't want to go near him we aren't going to push her at all. We will just leave and go do something else. Not worth it at all. I think the idea of santa is so much more fun anyway.

Omarsmum -I agree that it does seem like you have had a lot going on recently. With you being sensitive it probably affects you a great deal. maybe it would be good for both of you to have a bit of down time together?

 

[DaisyBee]

Tacey and omarsmum - I've been shouting at Megan recently when shes been such a handful and I hate it. I think we feed off of each other. She makes me feel overwhelmed sometimes. Her emotions are so intense and it makes me feel intense and just tense and makes me want to control her. And she then just behaves worse and listens less. The past week after her bday when she has been overstimulated it's been a real struggle for me. And with all of us sick we aren't sleeping enough. I get anxiety when Megan behaves certain ways. I'm having to force myself to calm down and take a break away from her, or remind myself that she is only 3. She has been talking back like a teenager, and so demanding. And tacey - the lack of sleep is torture. Jordan was sleeping through for a while but now isn't again. And I'm not willing to do anything about that when she is sick. Ive been wondering all weekend if she has an ear infection just from her actions with her head, ears, and eating. Megan not going to bed some nights until midnight and me up and down to be stern with her or help her figure out what will help her sleep ( trying to calm her and then I leave type thing as we don't cosleep ever, but I will lay with her, etc). And then Jordan waking every few hours it seems like the past week. She wakes Megan up at least one of those wakings, so I go tuck her back in. And then we are up for the day around 6-6:30 lately. these crappy nights of sleep really hit me hard. I don't do well on less sleep. It really affects me and my ability to cope and be a sane parent. Once Jordan is feeling better I'm doing cc at night with her again as I need to for all of our sakes. And megans clinginess some evenings just drives me bonkers when I NEED a break from her. I don't think I will get the baby-sitter thing figured out til after the new year. I haven't had any time away from her this week and her overstimulation has been tough on me.

Polaris - we tried a sticker chart for night wakings when Jordan was younger as every night Jordan was waking at 3 or 4 am for a bottle and Megan would wake up and couldn't get back to sleep. So she was waking for the day then at 3-4 am. We didn't get her out of bed, she had to stay there, but it doesnt matter she was still awake! It was insane. She was so tired and grumpy all of the time. We wondered if anyone of it was then habit, so tried the sticker chart. It seemed to work a few times, but I think that was coincidence. We also tried it for naps as she then had trouble napping as she was so overtired. It started backfiring on us as she would wake early just to say she had slept and could get a sticker. Lol we realized that she really was hearing Jordan every time. They wake each other up. They are both really light sleepers. We walk on the floor in tiptoe above Jordans room to climb into bed and it wakes her up. With white noise in both girls rooms, Megan would hear Jordan cry even though they are on different floors of the house and their rooms aren't above / below each other. I swear they both hear a fly outside with our windows shut. Lol

 

[DaisyBee]

Cutie - megan this summer was so hard to understand. It was like she regressed in speech or something. She was an early talker her dr told us she was very ahead in that area. At 11 months she said "bottle all gone, night night" in one thought. She had over 300 words around 20 months or so. Her dr warned us of the possibility of her stuttering over words, trying to say something and it coming out wrong, etc since she was so advanced with vocab. But I was concerned as it seemed almost as if her speech was going backwards. Dh and I would look at her after she said a sentence and then look at each other and ask if the other had a clue what she said. She would say whole sentences that we couldnt comprehend any of it. Or maybe a word. I brought it up to their dr at a visit for Jordan as I was concerned. She just said they want them to have 50 words by 2 and 2-3 word sentences by 3 ( since it was last summer she was right in-between the 2 for ages). And that by 3 they want them to be understood 1/2 the time. Well that wasn't very helpful to me. As it was going backwards, not standing still or hadnt ever achieved it, if that makes sense so even though she was achieving the minimum of what they wanted I was no longer sure I could even understand half of what she said even though we had a month before. Well a bit later ( don't remember how long) we started understanding her again. Her speech was even better than before. We think she was having a major growth spurt type thing with her speech. She was talking in even more complex sentences. I think it was related.

 

[OmarsMum]

Cutie- Omar went through the stuttering phase when he was around 2.5 yrs, he used to repeat sentences & words, it seemed that he was stuck with what he wanted to say. He also picked the way his younger cousin talks, they stayed with us for months, so he used to talk in a baby-ish way & it was hard to understand what he was saying. But like Megan, he had a major growth spurt when it comes to speech after few months, & now he talks in complex sentences. There is a thread in the toddlers forum about this issue, it seems so common between 2-3 yrs.

Daisybee- so sorry you're going through this with your family holidays are suppose to be for fun & stress free. As my parents live close by, they understand Omar's sensitivity, on my nephew's birthday, when they went for toys & gift shopping, they bought some gifts for Omar as well, my mum didn't want Omar to feel left out when my nephew opens his gifts. We were surprised when Omar wasn't really bothered about the many gifts his cousin got, in fact he was excited for his cousin, he was given turn to blow the candle but again he didn't ask for it.

On Friday when my family came over for lunch, they left early when Omar got overstimulated, I really appreciated it as we needed the break.

As for the school system here, the cutoff date is September 15th. Kids start KG1 at 3. As Omar is born in November he will be one of the oldest kids in class.

This is the structure
Pe-school within a school 2 yrs (Kg1 & Kg2)
Primary school- 6 yrs
Secondary school - 3 yrs
High school- depends on the system- we have 3 systems
1. GCSE/ IGCSE (2 yrs O levels + 1 yr A levels)
2. High school certificate- 3 yrs
3. IB (international baccalaureate) - 3 yrs

Omar will go to pre-shool full time (KG1) in Septmeber. He will go from 8 am- 12 pm, 5 days a week, we don't have part time or less hours options.

This is the school Omar will go to

https://www.viss.ae/viss/Links/learningapproach.aspx?link=4

 

[Tacey]

It sounds like your mum is being very unaccommodating Daisybee. I'm the same as the others. It's SO annoying when people blame Alice's sensitivity on me, and say I'm more relaxed with Arthur. Since Alice started staying with other members of family, I think they've realised the importance of the things I do to control her anxiety! Could you suggest that you don't stay as long at your mum's? The pictures are gorgeous. That one of Megan with your DH is heart melting!

Thanks for mentioning the SPD checklist. I'd never done it before, and my goodness, it was eye opening! It's helped make sense of a few things too. For example, I thought Alice didn't like queuing because of the wait, but I think it may be the proximity to other people. I actually had a flashback to lining up in school, and trying to make sure that not even my clothes were in contact with anyone else. I wouldn't be surprised if Alice is the same.

School in the UK starts the September after a child turns 4, so Alice would be going next September (one of the youngest as her birthday is August) . The government provides 15 free hours in nursery the term after they turn 3. We're entitled to it now, but I didn't feel Alice could cope with the busier environment and for the full 15 hours a week. That's why we went with a childminder. We've also decided to home educate, so I don't worry about her having to get used to a classroom environment.

Our nights are still quite disturbed. I would let her fuss, but she goes to full screaming with no warm up! She'll come into our room to yell, and wakes Arthur. I think a lot of the time she's still asleep. Yesterday DH went to her and she was waving her arms screaming "NO MUMMY! STOP IT!" which made me feel rubbish about what's going on in her subconscious. I feel really sorry for her, because it's clearly distressing, but I can't help just wanting her to shut up and sleep. I have zero patience at night . Sometimes I think she wakes up distressed, but doesn't know why, so she looks for a reason, such as too cold/hot/hungry. Thankfully, DH is on holiday from Friday, so we can share the burden and nap in the day.

Cutie - Our experience with speech was similar. Alice saw a speech therapist when she was 2 and a half for stuttering and lack of clarity. I was amazed when the health visitor suggested it, as she was so ahead in her vocabulary and sentence structure. The issue was that her mouth couldn't keep up with what she was trying to say! I could understand, but others couldn't. We concentrated on slowing her right down and taking a breath before speaking. I'm not sure it helped, but it is certainly resolved now. I think the 6 month wait is a sensible idea. If there are longer term issues, they'll be apparent then, but a lot changes in a few months with toddlers.

I'm glad your family gave you and Omar some space Omarsmum. It's great they 'get' the sensitivity issue. How lovely that Omar was excited for his cousin. You've got a very emotionally mature little boy there!

 

[polaris]

Thomas will start pre-school in September. There's no option for a part-time place so he will go five mornings per week, I think it's 9 to 12 (we get 15 hours per week free for the year before they start school). We have the choice in Ireland to send children to school at 4 or 5. Thomas will be nearly 5 because his birthday is in October. Clara will be just 5 starting school as she has a late August birthday and I think she would be too young to go the previous year. Tacey, that is really exciting that you are going to home-educate. I will be really interested to hear how it goes for you. It's not an option for us as I have to work but I think it's a great choice for some children. Cutie, I completely understand you not wanting her to do five full days when there's no need for it. To be honest, if she's happy in the home daycare I don't really see the big deal about changing. As you say the ideal would probably be to do half days at preschool and then go back to the home daycare but if that's not possible I don't personally think she'd be missing out too much by just staying where she is.

Daisybee, the photos are gorgeous! I really love both of them but the one of Megan as a newborn is very special. I hope you all recover quickly from your various illnesses, there's not much worse than a houseful of sick children especially when it's affecting their sleep, I just always feel so awful for them and want to just make it better and obviously it's not always possible.

I am definitely guilty of snapping at Thomas at times too. He is so clingy at the moment and he just wants my attention all the time. It's actually easier when I'm on my own with him and Clara because he does understand that I have to do things for her (feed her, put her down for a nap, change her, etc.) and he's reasonably OK with that. But when OH is there Thomas is really playing up. He won't let OH do anything for him at all, it has to be mammy, and when we insist it is a tantrum every time. It's really hard on OH too, Thomas will literally tell him "I don't like you daddy, go away" which is horrible. And it's hard on me too because when OH is here I need him to be able to help with Thomas so that I can have a break. There's not so much he can do with Clara because I'm breastfeeding and she needs to feed before she goes to sleep (although she doesn't feed to sleep). I really hate it when I lose my temper with Thomas though because it's not the way I want to be with him and because I just feel out of control. I feel like shaking him or hitting him sometimes which I don't act on but I hate even feeling that way. I'm hoping that the anti-daddy thing is a short-lived phase. I think it's a reaction to Clara really, he is really affectionate towards Clara but he takes his anger out on OH. So I'm hoping it might settle down over the next few months.

Regarding speech, Thomas's speech was extremely unclear until very recently and his pronunciation still isn't great. However, I guess he would meet the criteria now that a stranger could possibly understand him about half the time. It doesn't help that his vocabulary is so huge because he's normally talking about something obscure that the other person hasn't a clue what he's on about! I have noticed that as his pronunciation improves he is less reluctant to talk to people outside of the family which I guess is because they can understand him better. He was always a total chatterbox at home.

 

[DaisyBee]

Megan talks mostly at home, and 2nd most at grandparents house. We went to a restaurant this fall and a mom from toddler class was our waitress. She said something like " wow she's talking!" lol as she hadnt heard her talking in class.

I'm actually glad that I'm not the only one who loses my patience, not that it makes it any better, but ive been feeling so guilty about it. It's not how I want to be with her at all and I always feel horrible after I've snapped at her. She doesn't like me raising my voice at all so ANY that I do affects her. She will comment to me about it. And in the moment she will tell me shhh or calm down mommy in a very calm voice, like she is the adult And I'm the child. I always apologize to her if I've overreacted or gotten short or anxious with her, and I feel like she acts so mature about it. Which makes me feel even worse, like I can't even control myself and yet here my 3 year old is smart enough to put me in my place.

I think the thing with my mom is that we used to be really close. I would vent to her, she would vent to me. We would talk about anything. When Megan was born I didn't want extra help. I thought mil especially would overstep and so I just told everyone to stay away in nicer terms. Before jordan was born we asked both sets of parents for help. My mom even talked about getting her boss to let her work up here for a few weeks so that she could stay here and help when she wasnt working. She was going to take time off work too if I wanted her too. Well when jordan was born, nonde of that happened. She has rarely even come seen us, compared to what she said she was going to do. We were staying there overnight when Jordan was 1 month old on a weekend and my mom said she would get up and do night feeds for me. She came and got me in the middle of the night in a panic as she said she thought she had shingles ( she has had them once before and so knew what it felt like). So I took over the rest of the night and the next morning we packed quickly and left ASAP. As I didn't want my 5 week old getting chickenpox. Since that day my mom has been distant from me. Once she was better she was here for jordans baptism, she didn't offer to help at all with the girls. She helped with dishes and making a bit of food for the party which was a great help, but still she is grandma? My mil came in and started helping with Jordan right away before church as I wasn't ready and she could tell I needed help. She got Jordan dressed, etc. Since then my parents have been up for a visit every 6 weeks, and that is so my mom can get her hair done by mil (a hairdresser). The hair is her priority, and it's been so obvious. Mil doesn't charge her, and my mom is taking advantage of her which has been obvious from her statements. Then they go shopping and eventually end up here. The one time this summer I was struggling so much with the girls. I was in tears daily. I wasn't coping and needed help. She new that, and yet didn't come help. She showed up at 3:00, we waited around for them all day. And then they left 1 1/2 hrs later. She didn't help at all. She showed me a new outfit she bought which made me mad as I was barely sleeping or showering and she was showing off new clothes? She was talking to dh, feeling sorry for him as he was working so much, and dh said it was me who was overworked and exhausted trying to get her to see. And he kept saying things and yet she didn't even care. We went outside to watch Megan in the backyard and her and I sat down and she was saying how great of a time this was for me, and always just what I wanted. And she said " your going through it now" which has never sat right with me. She acted so selfish that visit and I haven't gotten over it. She never calls me, she doesn't want to hear me vent at all about the kids. She said some very rude things about dh in a conversation right before thanksgiving when I told her I have been upset with her for a while now. That whole conversation she was defensive and never apologized even once for how she has made me feel. She only told me everything that I do that is bothering her, and how busy she is. I've never felt so distant from her and I don't understand her at all anymore. On my birthday she called to say happy birthday, but then started telling me things that were going on wth my brother. She then said he couldn't tell me when I called him as he couldn't get a word in since I was talking about myself. well it was only a 5-10 minute conversation, he was at work and he had said he was going to call me later. I had been telling him about my fight with mom. So the whole conversation about Xmas just hits me so wrong as I'm annoyed with her anyway, and don't even feel like going to Xmas anymore. I do think maybe that's a good idea to make the visit shorter and tell her we aren't staying for noon meal on Sunday as well. Noon Sunday was supposed to be at my grandmas anyway, and we were not going to go, just go back home, but my brothers and parents were going. Now they aren't going to my grandmas and so having a Xmas day type meal at there house. Sorry, it helps to rant about it. It's really been bothering me the past 6 months. My dh is just about ready for us to never let her in our house again. He hates how she has been acting.


Cutie - wanted to tell you Megan has really upped the imaginary friends thing. She has been talking to 2 different ones, kera and Casey I believe she calls them. She has conversations with them, shares books with them. She says they sleep with her as well. This past weekend it was very obvious. Before I would get a glimpse of it, but this is very different.

 

[Tacey]

Daisybee. No one gets under our skin like mothers! That some very strange behaviour she's showing, and it must be even more hurtful as you were so close. It sounds like she's not being very accommodating, so I wouldn't try to bend over backwards to suit her. I think limiting the time over Christmas might be good. Your girls are your first priority. It's a stressful situation though. I hope you reach some good solutions with her.

 

[OmarsMum]

I will comment on posts later, I have to run, we have a class after 1 hr.

But I have a question regarding whining & crying, Omar doesn't stop all day, he cries for the smallest thing, & he talks using a whiney tone, it's driving me insane, any experience? Anyone know how I can handle it?

 

[cutie4evr01]

Thanks for all the reassurance about Christina's stuttering - I think we will watch it a while. Her 3-yr check is on Jan 22, so I may mention it to the pediatrician if it's still bad then, but I won't rush it now.

Daisybee I'm so sorry to hear about how your mother is acting. I totally understand about needing help as we don't have any family here either, and it sounds like even though your mom comes to town fairly regularly, she isn't making you and your girls a priority, which is a real shame. Don't arrange your life to suit her - you need to do what's best for your family now. If that means a shorter xmas visit (or none), then do that. I'm sure it's very difficult for you as I can tell you want to have a real relationship with her, but it sounds one-sided right now and she's not pulling her weight. I'm not saying you should give up on her or your relationship, I just mean maybe try not to invest so much of yourself in it until she's ready to invest also.

I love the imaginary friends. Christina's come with us on errands and to take a bath. She tells me she's brushing their hair/teeth or carrying them into the store. Haha, I love her creativity!

Omarsmum, when Christina gets whiney, I tell her she needs to use her normal voice to get what she wants. We say "stop whining and ask nicely", and we don't give what she's asking for until she does so (most often she's asking to be picked up). The key is to be consistent and follow through. Now she will generally change her tone with only one request to stop whining. If she's crying the whiney cry (not the meltdown cry), I tell her to stop crying and ask nicely. Works nearly all the time as she knows she will get what she wants (within reason) if she asks nicely. If she's whining about something she can't have, I just tell her no and why she can't have it and she generally whine for a few minutes and then move on. Good luck!

 

[polaris]

Daisybee I agree it sounds like your mother is being unaccommodating. I think I would feel annoyed and hurt about her coming every six weeks but not prioritizing seeing the girls. I think cutting the Xmas visit short sounds like a sensible decision - you have to put your family's needs first over and above what she wants you to do I think.

Omarsmum - Thomas does quite a lot of whining too and I haven't found any magic solutions. I do the same as cutie, I tell him to stop whining and use a nice voice and he doesn't get whatever he is looking for until he does that. I also tell him that I can't understand him properly when he talks like that (which is true) and to talk properly. The problem is that I think I am not totally consistent with it as sometimes I just give him what he wants without thinking just to get the whining to stop. Usually when I'm busy doing something else.

 

[DaisyBee]

About the whining I agree with cutie. Megan isn't a whiner but it's exactly how I dealt with it in some daycare kids. I never gave in no matter how much they whined as that just enforces the behavior. It is harder to do when it's your own child though, and I need to be doing a better job of it with Megan in regards to her being demanding. She doesn't whine, she just demands. When she whines it's not asking for something, its when she is tired and nothing goes right for her and really nothing I do helps except get her to rest, calm down with books and a time in, or sleep.