Sensitive kids group

[DaisyBee]

Congrats on baby boy jc!!! How exciting! Im so sorry to hear about all these mean kids! It's just not fair! And our sensitive kids are going to be just so vulnerable with it their whole childhood. It has me worried already and Megan hasn't even started school yet.

Quartz - baby steps are the way to go! With Megan with any of her fears if she feels like she is in control it helps her so much. It's how we've gotten over all fears to date.

 

[polaris]

Does anyone else really struggle to stay calm at times? I am really struggling at the moment, usually around bedtimes when I'm on my own with the two of them and Clara won't settle. Any little thing Thomas does can just cause me to snap and I end up shouting at him or yanking him by the arm or generally being really mean to him. And it's not even really anything he's done, it's always really just that I'm stressed out and Clara won't go to sleep. I really worry about the impact on him, especially given his sensitivity. But I just can't seem to help it. I am feeling really disheartened this evening after a disastrous bedtime, I feel so disappointed in myself that I can't get a handle on my behaviour, despite being 100% aware of what I'm doing.

Thomas's behaviour is quite difficult at the moment anyway, but I do wonder if some of his "bad" behaviour is coming from the way that I am towards him at times. I always apologise to him afterwards and tell him how much I love him and that I am just stressed out because I'm trying to get them both to bed on my own, but it doesn't feel like enough.

 

[DaisyBee]

Are you an introvert or extrovert polaris? With reading the spirited child book ( whatever its called) I've come to realize how my own temperament affects my parenting. I am an introvert. It means that I need down time and time alone to have energy. It's so hard to get that with the kids. Especially 2 of them when dh is working lots. I get grumpy by the end of the day because I haven't had any time for me to recharge. When my energy is drained and I am tired i find myself frustrated easily and snapping. Dh and I discussed it the other night. The very skills that I'm trying to teach megan... No one ever taught me. In high school things would build up in me til I exploded and then I would have big arguments with my parents. It's the same way I am now just it comes out differently. I get annoyed, things don't go my way and instead of acting like a mature adult... I can't handle my emotions like I want to. I get stressed about situations and take it out on the kids and dh. I sometimes have a hard time being the calm and rational parent I want to be. I wonder if it's because how hard it is to parent Megan. She is so draining every day. It's making me wonder if she really is an extrovert? She talks nonstop all day long. I don't ever get space away from her and I am someone who needs some space sometimes. And when her sleep is horrible then it makes it's worse asI dont recharge each day so i start the day already sucked dry from the day before.

 

[polaris]

Daisybee, thank you so much! I could relate to so much in your post. I am definitely an introvert. What you say about needing down time and time alone to have energy is so so true. I have actually gone back to letting Thomas nap every day now partly because I really need the break in the middle of the day and he seems to need it too. I have always needed to spend time alone and you are right, it is not always easy to get it. At least I have managed now to get them both napping at the same time most days. Sleep deprivation is definitely also a contributing factor.

I can also relate to so much of what you say about emotional regulation. I never learned these skills as a child either, I just bottled everything up. What I have learned has been through studying psychology and from my work. I do feel so bad sometimes though that I am not a good role model for Thomas. How can I expect him to learn to regulate his emotions when I can't regulate myself?

I've had a much better day today. We went for a picnic in the woods this morning and it really energized me and everyone was in a better mood. I think getting out into nature really helps me and Thomas too.

 

[DaisyBee]

We like being out in nature as well. It's very calming. Once we were sitting by a river and I've never seen Megan quite so calm. It was so peaceful and normally peaceful isn't a word I would ever associate with Megan! I was thinking about this more today And I think some of my problem is her intensity. It is very hard to diffuse her intensity instead of letting the intensity finding it's way to me and both of us being intense.

Dh and I went out Saturday night and we were discussing this very topic. And the regulating emotions... And wanting Megan to learn how but yet dh and I ( me especially we think as I'm here all the time and it seems to be more of an issue for me as Megan gets intense) not having that come naturally. It's something that I have to really think about and something I am working on. I think during certain moments it's what I knew as a child that comes out. My upbringing is much different than I want for my kids. I want to teach them those life skills. And some days for me it's a real effort to show them vs just tell them.

I really do think megan still needs a small nap. I wrote a thread in toddlers about it, page 2 I talk about why I was wondering about sleep as I didn't have time when I did the first post. Megan didn't nap today even though she rested... And by bedtime dh was agreeing with me that she just does still need it. She was wound up by bedtime and behaving horribly. I just wish she would be able to sleep a bit more either during the nap or during the evening.

I think the https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060739665 book is something that you would be interested in. It has a section about extrovert and introvert and also discusses how whatever your temperament and introvert/extrovert affects things with your child. I've found this book better for me than the highly sensitive child because Megan is so intense as well. Her intensity is such a major part of her and the sensitive child book doesnt talk about that at all. In parts it talked more about shyness, and that is opposite of Megan.

She put a bandaid on the kitchen floor the other day.... The floor has a tiny minuscule crack where something must have been dropped on it. It isn't noticeable at all. And she doesn't hang out on the kitchen floor ever. But she noticed it. Random point but it's just so like her - thought I would share with the group!

 

[polaris]

Thanks for the book recommendation Daisybee. I will look into it. I think it could be quite useful for Clara too. Clara is a completely different personality to Thomas, I don't think she is sensitive but she is extremely strong-willed and persistent and a very high energy child compared to Thomas!

This nap transition is just so tricky to manage. I go backwards and forwards on it all the time. Thomas is actually fully back napping now and amazingly it seems to be working OK at the moment. I am letting him sleep for a full 1.5 to 2 hours (I still have to wake him but he wakes quite easily rather than it being an impossible task) and he is going to bed for 9ish and falling asleep reasonably quickly! That is the same time as he was falling asleep after even a very short nap! I started letting him take longer naps when we were on holidays and I was amazed that he still wanted to go to bed at the same time. However this will probably all change again next week!

So funny and cute about the band-aid on the kitchen floor! That is a lovely story to show Megan's personality.

 

[izzlesnizzle]

We like being out in nature as well. It's very calming. Once we were sitting by a river and I've never seen Megan quite so calm. It was so peaceful and normally peaceful isn't a word I would ever associate with Megan! I was thinking about this more today And I think some of my problem is her intensity. It is very hard to diffuse her intensity instead of letting the intensity finding it's way to me and both of us being intense.

Dh and I went out Saturday night and we were discussing this very topic. And the regulating emotions... And wanting Megan to learn how but yet dh and I ( me especially we think as I'm here all the time and it seems to be more of an issue for me as Megan gets intense) not having that come naturally. It's something that I have to really think about and something I am working on. I think during certain moments it's what I knew as a child that comes out. My upbringing is much different than I want for my kids. I want to teach them those life skills. And some days for me it's a real effort to show them vs just tell them.

I really do think megan still needs a small nap. I wrote a thread in toddlers about it, page 2 I talk about why I was wondering about sleep as I didn't have time when I did the first post. Megan didn't nap today even though she rested... And by bedtime dh was agreeing with me that she just does still need it. She was wound up by bedtime and behaving horribly. I just wish she would be able to sleep a bit more either during the nap or during the evening.

I think the https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060739665 book is something that you would be interested in. It has a section about extrovert and introvert and also discusses how whatever your temperament and introvert/extrovert affects things with your child. I've found this book better for me than the highly sensitive child because Megan is so intense as well. Her intensity is such a major part of her and the sensitive child book doesnt talk about that at all. In parts it talked more about shyness, and that is opposite of Megan.

She put a bandaid on the kitchen floor the other day.... The floor has a tiny minuscule crack where something must have been dropped on it. It isn't noticeable at all. And she doesn't hang out on the kitchen floor ever. But she noticed it. Random point but it's just so like her - thought I would share with the group!

Im glad I found this thread, I didn't know it was going on. It sounds as though Megan is going to make a very gifted nurse, doctor or teacher or something in the caring profession when shes older. She sounds like she feels so deeply that she will turn into a very empathetic and helpful person to those in need later on. You might find her hard work but she sounds lovely and just needs channelling in the right direction, which it sounds like you're doing and have a good handle on it.

 

[OmarsMum]

Cutie- glad Christina is doing well at pre-school. Omar is also so bossy, I try so hard to b dr him to ask nicely without ordering us around

Tacey- aw, lovely pic, glad she's doing well in class. I also felt sad a out the friends issue it's hard enough when they are different, but getting rejected by other kids is heart breaking

JC- congrats on expecting another boy, boys are adorable , I read your post in toddlers ' I felt so bad for daisy. How's she feeling now? Hope she got over it

Quarz- well done on cracking the co-sleeping. Do you have any tips to share ? Omar is still in my bed.

Polaris- yay for the extended leave

 

[OmarsMum]

Daisybee- I have the same issue with combing omar's hair, I apply some of my hair conditioner on the ends of his hair, it makes it easier & faster to comb. Taking him for hair cut is very draining, he got used to the dresser at kidville but they stopped the device recently, now I have no clue where to take him.

 

[OmarsMum]

Polaris so sorry you're having a hard time Hun. I feel the same when I'm tired, I don't get enough sleep due to co-sleeping, I feel drained during the day, I need alone time. I'm also an introvert, I can't always cope with overstimulation during the day. I love it when I drop Omar to his classes, I go to a coffee shop (like now) & I sit there alone while drinking a juice & using the net for 1.5 hrs until he's done. I love having some me time.

 

[OmarsMum]

Hi izzles welcome to the group xx

 

[cutie4evr01]

Yay JC, congratulations on another baby boy! How exciting! I'm so sorry to hear about Daisy's experience at school.

Polaris, I have the same concerns as you with regards to staying calm. I struggle to stay calm when she is pushing me and I end up shouting or just speaking more harshly than I would like, or resorting to time out too quickly. I usually apologize fairly soon after and then spend the evening feeling guilty and wondering if I have scarred her for life. I think this is a difficult age, and with another young child as well it's just really hard to keep it all together and be the parent I want to be all the time. I am hopeful we have enough good days and fun memories that those will outweigh the bad ones. Daisybee, I too find that when I am stressed out, I take it out on DH. I am trying to be more aware of it and just take a moment to chill out when I need to, but it's definitely a work in progress.

Christina still takes a nap and definitely needs it. Her napping has actually improved as she's gotten older and she now sleeps at least an hour most days. At night, she still goes to bed around 7/7:30 and falls asleep anywhere from 7:30-9, but still wakes by 5am most days. We still use a sleep training clock so she stays in her room until 6am.

Caitlyn is showing signs of dropping her nap, which I definitely am not ready for! She only naps 30-40 minutes at most anyway, but for several weeks now she only naps ~2 days per week. The other days she goes into her crib around 12:30 or so and will just talk to herself or her blankie or call out to me "Mommy, I ready to get up!", "Mommy, I need to go potty!", "Mommy, you want to play blocks?", etc. etc. to try to get out of bed, for up to 2 hours. We always leave her there at least one hour, but usually more like 1.5-2 hours (or however long Christina was in her room) and she's happy to just chat to herself or jump on her bed for that time. It's not just at home either - her daycare provider said she does the same thing when she's there. And then she's really fine mood-wise for the rest of the day until she starts crashing around 6 so we just let her go to bed early. Either way, we are going to maintain this attempted nap time for quite a while longer.

 

[polaris]

JC - I can't believe how far along in the pregnancy you are - it seems to be going by so fast! Have you got any names picked out yet?

Cutie - thank you for sharing your struggles with keeping calm, it does help to realize that I'm not the only one battling with this. I am hopeful that it will get easier as they get a bit older. I am really looking forward to Thomas starting pre-school in September because I think it will be really good for me to have a bit of a break from him on a regular basis. Omarsmum, I know exactly what you mean about being delighted to drop Omar off at a class and have some time to yourself. This is how I feel when OH takes Thomas off somewhere for the morning. It gets too much for me at times - some days when I'm on my own with them all day I am actually thrilled when Thomas tells me he's going for a poo because he usually takes ages and I know I will have at least ten minutes that he's not hanging out of me!

Cutie - I can't believe Caitlyn is dropping her nap already. Definitely keep up with quiet/rest time for as long as possible! It's great that she tolerates it so well. You never know, she might even go back to napping, Thomas went through a phase of not going to sleep for his naps or taking 1+ hours to fall asleep but we just kept giving him his daily nap and he went back to falling asleep quickly and easily.

It's interesting that several of our sensitive children are still napping at 3.5 years whereas from Daisybee's thread in Toddler club it seems that a lot of children have given up napping at this age.

Welcome to the group Izzles!

 

[DaisyBee]

My mil cuts Megans hair which is awesome because it makes that a nonissue. She tolerates mil tugging on her snarls much better vs when I do it and mil is rougher! I think she doesn't want to hurt mil's feelings. Do you wet hair every time you comb it? I've found she is doing better with it right after we wash it, but we only do that about once a week. I also have been using lots of my leave in conditioner and that is helping. But if she is in certain moods she just screams at me. Also any time it's dry even if I spray on some detangler she protests. I think if I can figure out how to get her to do it herself. It seems to be how we've tackled all the other issues. If she is in control and doing it herself she handles it better.

Izzle- glad you found this. The beginning few pages some of us tell all about our kids and then when others have joined they have done the same. Feel free to post - it's a great group that understands what it's like!

So Megan woke at 5 today, so she slept through! Sleeping last night by 7:30. She looks exhausted though even with sleeping through. I can't imagine her not napping today. I think her intensity is not helping. I really see Jordan being able to drop naps at an earlier age then Megan, as she doesnt have that intensity all day. It's got to be exhausting for Megan constantly "on" and thinking every moment of the day.

And yes yay on the extended leave polaris! That must be a relief for you!
I was feeling so much less pressure when decided to hold off on daycare. Now the neighbors brought it up and the way it was brought up I wasn't able to just say I'm not starting for a while. everyone else ( including dh) just wants me to start up like it's no big deal. But it's a huge deal. I won't be able to be at my parents anytime except weekends. Megan starting preschool is going to be hard enough on her I think. We had a babysitter here the other day and by the end Megan was in total meltdown mode. The girl was great and we will be calling her again ( yay!) but it was just so overstimulating for Megan. Jordan was fine - she can handle it - so I'm not concerned about Jordan with daycare at all... Just Megan.

 

[OmarsMum]

I only comb his hair after his bath

But I wash it with water & a bit of conditioner every other day, with shampoo twice a week as he hates it & he stands up when I wash his hair with shampoo.

 

[DaisyBee]

Cutie - Megan also went through phases of refusing to nap but then would start napping again. I would keep up what you are doing, at least she is resting.

Omarsmum - the coffee shop sounds nice! I need to do something like that now that I've found a babysitter!

And yes I think being aware and knowing why helps us here too with us taking things out on each other. Dh does the same when he has had a bad day at work. I'm trying so hard to put my parents in one box and the kids in another, and when I'm stressed about both dh is the only outlet I have. So we are aware that I'm stressed and that I need more me time. Date nights happening more often have really been good for us. We then are connecting more and really talking vs just small talk and bickering. Lol

 

[DaisyBee]

Megans hair is so curly and then gets looks frizzy if not combed. There are days that i dont push the issue and it doesnt get combed. If we need to go somewhere ive said either ponytail or combing. She will let me put a ponytail in if i just use my hands without combing it, it looks ok that way at least. I use a wide comb for curly hair but any little snarl has her in tears basically. And now she wants to just flee so im trying not to make a big deal of it. Maybe I need to just wash it more often? She is now ok washing it as long as she is the only one putting any water on her head. And she will lay back in the tub and do a back float and that helps rinse it out as well. So basically she washes her hair now. It's how she is ok with getting dressed as well... She does it.

 

[izzlesnizzle]

Sorry its taken a while to reply. I was at work yesterday then today my DH was working from home to we had to make ourselves scarce all day. Thanks for welcoming me in to the group.

Well to explain Eva- shes such a lively, intelligent and funny little girl. Im still only just getting to know her and her personality unfold. Im still not sure if she is high needs or its just general overall fussiness. Im a big follower of the wonder weeks. I found it an absolute life saver and only came in on it at wonder week 19 and it gave me some answers as to what we were going through. I think she doesn't cope at all well with the development leaps and completely freaks when things start changing for her.

As a newborn, she fed and fed and seemed like she was constantly on the breast. When she was 3 mths old I asked a BFing nurse at my local support group if it was normal for her to be feeding every hour day and night and she said no, you need to distract her. A baby that size does not need feeding every hour. Try telling Eva that! Eventually when she started weaning, I gave up BFing and was able to regulate her milk feeds a bit better.

Somehow and im not sure how we've managed it- we have a good sleeper these days, generally. She goes to bed every night with no bother and sleeps from 7pm until at least 5.30am, if not 6 or 7 if we're lucky. We don't have issues at bedtime, she knows the routine and thrives on knowing whats coming next. The issue is the mornings before her first nap. She seems beside herself and I constantly try to re figure better routines for her to make her happy, but im very careful not to disrupt anything too much because of the upset it will cause.

She doesn't like being away from home for long periods, but doesn't like being at home for long periods either. If we go on holiday or to visit relatives, she makes it apparent shes very offended by the change in her routine and spends the whole time being as miserable as it gets. The other end of the scale is being at home for too long and she goes stir crazy until I have to take her out because I cant bear it anymore (and this will only be a couple of hours in the house).

She is going through a shy stage at the moment, a very different baby to the one a couple of weeks ago who was crawling up to random strangers at play groups who she'd never seen before and clambering all over them and their babies and trying to sit on their laps with their babies totally smothering both of them, much to my embarrassment. Now shes quiet and clingy and buries her head in my shoulder if anyone looks at her. Shes so all or nothing. Totally in your face or very very shy. Theres no inbetween.

Perhaps this is all normal baby behaviour. I don't know because shes my first and I don't know whats normal and whats not. All I can see is my friends babies and apart from one or two who are a bit like Eva (but still not to the same intensity), the rest are chilled and quite happy to sit and be part of the gang.

Sorry to have gone on a bit, just explaining a bit about her!

 

[DaisyBee]

Sorry, we've been busy and gone to my parents most of the week. Dh is on call this week so I went with the girls and it's not easy taking care of them there by myself. We are going this weekend and dh will be coming thank goodness! Lol it's been hot here and dh has been working 20 hr days. The girls are missing him.

Jordan took first steps last night! 15 1/2 months! She has really changed so much - turning into such a toddler - tantrums and all.

Megan has been very active outside and loving watering our veggies and flowers. She helped my mom pick peas the other day and she was head to toe mud holding a worm, drinking gaterade and eating raw peas all at the same time. Lol I've noticed that not only is she sensing my mood she is wanting to talk about it, and tries to make me feel better when I'm grumpy or do something to make me happy.

She has been so sociable and loves being out of the house and around people. I just have to manage it still so she can have plenty of down time. 4th of July celebration at mil's and she played with cousins and had lots of fun. She claimed she liked fireworks so we went and bought a very small pack of ones that just shoot up a few feet and crackle and such and did those once we got home and put Jordan to bed. First one she loved. 2nd one squealed and she hated it. 3rd was like the 2nd and she jumped out of her skin. That was the end of fireworks. But she loved the campfire and smores. Her first one. We are hoping to set up the tent at my parents this weekend so we can sleep in there. Think she will either love it or hate it.

Dhs cousin mentioned that spirited child book I've been telling you all about. She thinks it talks some about her middle child. It was really surprising as I've seen him many times and don't think Megan and him are alike in any way. I don't see him as being sensitive, intense, persistent, etc. He is 2. He has some issue with transitions but I just don't understand how she was thinking Megan is like her son. Her son was the easiest baby ever and she admits that. As a toddler I don't see him being anything other than a typical boy. So I was talking about Megan to her and things I was saying she looked at me like she didn't understand at all and that I had 2 heads... So she thinks our kids are similar and yet couldn't understand Megans fears or empathy or overstimulation, etc. Megan watched Cinderella once a few months ago and hated it. She says she never wants to watch it again. It was too scary she says. She hated the cat chasing the mice and cried over him trying to get the mice, she didn't like the stepmother. This cousin couldn't understand that ... Her kids watch tons of movies... Tv is on ALOT and never any issues with anything scary or worrying her kids. They stayed late last year to watch much bigger fireworks that were being shot off in the yard. I think it's just making me frustrated that I have such a hard time with Megan sometimes and then this girl who has this easy going laid back boys boy thinks her son is like Megan? Then makes me feel odd that I even care?

 

[OmarsMum]

Aw, well done Jordan

Omar is not into fireworks, he will watch them behind the closed windows, when he was younger & there were fireworks outside with the windows open, he freaked out & he cried nonstop. They play fireworks from the small island in the lagoon downstairs, we live on the 22nd floor, so the fireworks are too close to our place.

I took Omar to a birthday party on Monday, he didn't know any of the kids there, the older kids weren't so nice to him, so he stayed close to me all the time. He freaked out everytime a balloon burst.

I do understand how you feel when it comes to friends with easy going kids. On Monday morning before the party we visited a friend who has 3 kids, 2 boys (4 & 7) and a baby girl (7 months).

Her house was too quiet, I didn't even hear her kids talking, again Omar just sat next to me playing with his ipad & he ignored the kids completely.

We took Omar out on Tuesday to the mall after his class, we were 3 adults with him but we were exhausted running after him & dealing with his whining & mood swings. I saw that friend there with her 3 kids, the older kids were walking nicely close to their mum & the baby was sitting in her stroller. I wouldn't dream of going out with 3 kids on my own to the mall 1 day before Ramadan with all the traffic & busy malls

We are fasting now, It's too hot outside, Omar's rash is a heat rash, everytime we go out his rash flares. Yesterday we went to my parents place for dinner, DH dropped us close to the building & he picked us up from the building entrance, but this exposure to the heat (the temp was 52 during the day, 48 in the evening) flared his rash, he woke up several time screaming at night from the itchiness

I feel bad for him, he loves to go out those days, but I decided to stay at home during this month, it's impossible for us to take him out during the day as I cant cope with this heat without water, we break the fast at 7:15 pm, by the time we're done eating, we're too tired to go out. the heat is also unbearable, on Tuesday when we took him to his class, it was difficult to breath!