Should you be together only for your child(ren)?

[babyhopes2010]

You may find alot of the women who say they are just staying for the kids are bending the truth slightly.

I judged alot in real life for taking my husband back and people think im a mug, even more so if i say its because i love him.

I feel a lot less vulnerable if i explain that step families isnt something i want for my kids and i put what might be best for me long term behind what i feel is best for my kids.

yes theres nearly always love there. I love my husband alot. if i didnt i wouldnt have tried so hard, i couldnt imagine him being with someone else the thought upsets me so much. id never be intrested in anyone else anyway.
i dont want her to have a step mum or dad. or that m DH feels anyless of her father

 

[NoodleSnack]

I was in this exact situation. I fell out of love with LO dad. I wasnt happy so I broke up with him when LO was 4 months old. Best decision for all involved. Im so much more happier now so my son is happier. LO sees his dad all the time so its a win-win. When theres no love then whats the point? If your not happy and you stay for the sake of the kids yor children will grow up knowing their the reason your not happy. You cant put that on a child and I refused to do that to my son. He now has two happy parents instead of two unhappy parents x

I think if both parties try, both are nice responsive people, they can be happy with each other without being "in love", and choosing to stay doesn't mean it's on the children. Adults make decisions for themselves, it's not on anyone else.

But even if no children were involved, I don't trust a relationship based solely on being "in love". To me the point of a commitment is to stay when you don't want to, to put in the effort to make it work when it's really hard, if we leave just when the fire's gone out and it gets tough,either we need to be that really lucky couple who rarely have problems or we'll be changing partners every so often.

 

[fairydust87]

I was in this exact situation. I fell out of love with LO dad. I wasnt happy so I broke up with him when LO was 4 months old. Best decision for all involved. Im so much more happier now so my son is happier. LO sees his dad all the time so its a win-win. When theres no love then whats the point? If your not happy and you stay for the sake of the kids yor children will grow up knowing their the reason your not happy. You cant put that on a child and I refused to do that to my son. He now has two happy parents instead of two unhappy parents x

I think if both parties try, both are nice responsive people, they can be happy with each other without being "in love", and choosing to stay doesn't mean it's on the children. Adults make decisions for themselves, it's not on anyone else.

But even if no children were involved, I don't trust a relationship based solely on being "in love". To me the point of a commitment is to stay when you don't want to, to put in the effort to make it work when it's really hard, if we leave just when the fire's gone out and it gets tough,either we need to be that really lucky couple who rarely have problems or we'll be changing partners every so often.

Im a very black and white person there are no grey areas with me. If Im not happy then I get out of a situation. I wasnt happy with my ex so I got out. I tried with my ex even though their was no love but theres only so long you can try with nothing from the otherside. Lifes to short. My son is a happy child he wouldnt be if I stayed in a situation where I wasnt. I totally get your point. Its good to hear other peoples point of view on situations

 

[readytotry]

I personally wouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship just because of the children because I wouldn't want them to think that was how normal relationships should be. All of the people I know who were children in this situation (myself included) say that they wish their parents would have separated.

Totally depends on the situation though.

 

[C_baby]

I wouldn't, I would rather live as two happy parents seperately than two miserable people together.

I don't think you should give up at the drop of a hat, especially if there are children involved, because every relationship has ups and downs but if it's dead, it's dead.

My step kids where brought up for too many years in an unhappy house. My Step daughter tells me that she didn't know what it meant to love each other until she saw me and her Dad. She holds our relationship up as something to aspire to, I'm really proud of that. There are examples of children of divorce who have actually benefitted vastly; I myself am one.

I hope my children never settles for anything less than true happiness.

 

[aliss]

No. I grew up with parents staying together for the children and it crushed me when my mom actually said "we stayed together for you guys" ... really??? Wow, thanks. Their divorce came 30 years too late. Kids aren't dumb, they know when something's up. They may not know as babies but a 10 year old knows.

I don't believe in sacrifice, it only breeds resentment. I *DO* believe in fighting to keep marriages/families together, but I don't believe in marriage at all costs.

If something like adultery, drug use, whatever occurred, then yes, I would try my darndest to recover the marriage but I also wouldn't just suck it up if he had no intention of changing. Sometimes mothers pull the martyr card and really, I don't know a darn person who grew up in a home where the parents were together "for the kids" and was grateful for it.

 

[beanie1978]

Being in love with your oh doesn't mean that you have a happy or healthy relationship. I've been with my dh for 14 yrs whilst I love him so much I don't think I'm in love with him. We are very happy together. We do kiss and cuddle, but I think when you have been together a long time your relationship changes. We are best friend and couldn't imagine being with any one else.

 

[Stelly]

Sacrifice will only breed resentment if you let it. I sometimes wonder if the kids who had parents who 'stuck out for the kids' and are ungrateful for it, only feel that way because they didn't have to deal with divorce (not saying this is all cases by any means)

My mom stayed with my dad when we were younger for the sake of my sister and I, when she had every damn right to leave my father. And yes, growing up I could sense things were "off" BUT I also saw them come out the other side of that rough patch in their marriage and they have such an amazing relationship after that and are incredibly loving.

I've also seen my sisters divorce and what it has done to her kids, and it's heartbreaking. DH and I were together during her divorce and seeing the pain and heartache she and her kids are still going through 1 year later, we both agreed that we would fight tooth and nail to stay together. I have never, personally, seen a divorce that went well or 'smoothly'.

I agree there are legitimate reasons for divorce- abuse, infidelity, etc. I guess I just struggle with the "I'm not happy" reason-I'm a believer in you make your own happiness.

 

[babyhopes2010]

wow stelly- ur lo is so beautiful and u managed to beat the odds and exclusively bf! thats amazing!

 

[x__amour]

I must have been the only kid dreaming of her parents splitting as a teenager!

No, you are not alone. I think there's a few share of us. My parents have been together for almost 30 years and I don't believe there's an ounce of love or want to be in that relationship. My mom has told me several times throughout my life that she wants out but doesn't know what to do as she still has my 14 year old brother in the house. I truly am curious as to what might happen after he leaves...

It is sad but they're both so miserable.

 

[aliss]

Sacrifice will only breed resentment if you let it.

Don't get me wrong, I am a very firm believer of trying to save marriage. I think the whole "just not happy anymore" throw in the towel thing is very sad. I believe in pulling out all stops and trying everything.

But "sacrifice" to me is for example, staying with an alcoholic, staying with a serial adulterer, staying in a verbally or abusive marriage, for the sake of staying married, when that person will not change. 2 years ago, I was ready to leave my OH, but I tried my hardest to save it, and I did. I wasn't going to walk about because we were no longer in love. We rebuilt our love and we're better than ever.

But if he had not changed and stuck with making that change/commitment, then I would resign myself to sacrifice of living here for 20 years with him.

 

[Stelly]

Sacrifice will only breed resentment if you let it.

Don't get me wrong, I am a very firm believer of trying to save marriage. I think the whole "just not happy anymore" throw in the towel thing is very sad. I believe in pulling out all stops and trying everything.

But "sacrifice" to me is for example, staying with an alcoholic, staying with a serial adulterer, staying in a verbally or abusive marriage, for the sake of staying married, when that person will not change. 2 years ago, I was ready to leave my OH, but I tried my hardest to save it, and I did. I wasn't going to walk about because we were no longer in love. We rebuilt our love and we're better than ever.

But if he had not changed and stuck with making that change/commitment, then I would resign myself to sacrifice of living here for 20 years with him.

Oh I agree - with your definition of sacrifice, I do believe being with someone in those situations (alcoholism, abuse, repeat infidelity) without change- I believe are legitimate grounds for divorce.

I guess I meant sacrifice more as in, for example, with my sisters marriage- she refused to keep house cleaned up, make meals, spend responsibly, etc because her husband wouldn't do 'x,y,z' for her... (She was a SAHM)Which I disagree with. I would sacrifice my time and efforts to make my husband happy even if I was angry with him- instead of 'rebelling' (for lack of a better word) and waiting for him to do things for me before I would do (what I feel) are my duties as a wife for him and our home.

That type of resentment and attitude is really what ended my sisters marriage.. Which is sad

 

[aliss]

Sacrifice will only breed resentment if you let it.

Don't get me wrong, I am a very firm believer of trying to save marriage. I think the whole "just not happy anymore" throw in the towel thing is very sad. I believe in pulling out all stops and trying everything.

But "sacrifice" to me is for example, staying with an alcoholic, staying with a serial adulterer, staying in a verbally or abusive marriage, for the sake of staying married, when that person will not change. 2 years ago, I was ready to leave my OH, but I tried my hardest to save it, and I did. I wasn't going to walk about because we were no longer in love. We rebuilt our love and we're better than ever.

But if he had not changed and stuck with making that change/commitment, then I would resign myself to sacrifice of living here for 20 years with him.

Oh I agree - with your definition of sacrifice, I do believe being with someone in those situations (alcoholism, abuse, repeat infidelity) without change- I believe are legitimate grounds for divorce.

I guess I meant sacrifice more as in, for example, with my sisters marriage- she refused to keep house cleaned up, make meals, spend responsibly, etc because her husband wouldn't do 'x,y,z' for her... (She was a SAHM)Which I disagree with. I would sacrifice my time and efforts to make my husband happy even if I was angry with him- instead of 'rebelling' (for lack of a better word) and waiting for him to do things for me before I would do (what I feel) are my duties as a wife for him and our home.

That type of resentment and attitude is really what ended my sisters marriage.. Which is sad

I see what you mean. That's really a shame. I believe we still need to keep our side of the street clean even when we have a beef with the spouse.

 

[RaisinKane13]

Personally, no i would not stay with my DH for my child. I do not think my child should suffer seeing a nonloving happy couple. I personally believe the relationships a person sees as a child determines slightly what type of relationships they could have and think is the "right" way. I only want happy and loving relationships around my daughter.

But that being said, i do believe in ups and downs in relationships. Relationships take work. I don't believe in throwing the towel.

 

[weewdy]

I dont think its a clear cut yes or no. It really depends on where the relationship is at. I think in this day in age people give up far to easily over silly things that if they put a bit of time and effort into the relationship it could florish again. i would try my hardest to keep my family together.

Obviously if there is violent involved then i would take my child and run for the hills. Every situation is different.

 

[socitycourty]

I think it would be better to split up then to harbor resentment on a daily basis, towards your spouse or your children (for causing you to have to stay in their situation)

I have at times been seriously ready to divorce my husband. The way he is I wouldn't want my daughter thinking that a healthy relationship is like this.

There is no violence, no cheating (that I know of) it's just that we're more like roommates and I end up being more like a slave than anything else. I don't want her to have that example when she's older. IDK

it's hard to define what is too much for one person....because it might be ok for the next person.

My friend decided to "stay together for the kids" well things deteriorated even more with time and she had 2 more kids so when they finally reached the breaking point they split up with 4 kids. I can't imagine why they thought it was a good idea to have more kids but

 

[highhopes19]

Coming from growing in a house where my mum and dad hated eachother (and still do) there was constant arguing, fighting, saying each other was leaving.... I knew from a young age what was happening and it did divide the house hould without even meaning to.

I remember all through secondary school refusing to go in because I was afraid my dad wouldn't be there when I got home.

Its not worth it- it affects the children in more ways than we think!


I'd rather my parents werent together than us having to witness the hatred between them

 

[LDC]

He'll no, the child will end up miserable picking up on the atmosphere in the house.

We also have friends like this, I just think its so much better to move on, be happy and the children will adapt. Depending on age, it may be initially hard to understand but the new found happiness of the parents (whether alone or with someone else) will more than make up for it.

My parents stayed together for my sake, they broke up just short of my 18th birthday. Realistically they should have called it a day when I was about 8, there was always a reason to put it off...my exams, school, a levels etc. my parents didnt argue but they led separate lives; my dad has still never found anyone as he's older now and struggles to meet people. If they'd had broken up when they "should" have and not clung on for my benefit, and I've always believed they should have called it a day a long time ago even when I was young, then he may have found someone.

On a selfish note, if you stay together for the children it's inevitable that they'll move out one day, then you're stuck with your partner who you don't want to be with, why waste your time?

Saying that I believe relationships need work and go through tough patches, so my opinion relates to those where the relationship is no more.

X

 

[little_cookie]

For people who say "everything could be sorted out"

1. What if your partner murdered someone?
2. Beat you black and blue?
3. Continously slept with other people behind your back.

Would you be so willing to stay with them then? Im not trying to be funny- intrigued.

 

[My_First]

^^^^ now that's an interesting question. Whilst I certainly wouldn't stay with any of the above, where does one draw the line? I have seen women on here say that oh watching porn is a deal breaker, others will accept infidelity and others think oh holding onto all money is unacceptable. I guess is so very subjective.