Should you be together only for your child(ren)?

[minties]

I don't see living with someone I've known since I was 13, been together with since I was 18 (we are now 30), spent 8 hard years TTC our son, laughed with, cried with, moved towns with, shared hopes and dreams with, can have an amazingly happy companionship with, share my kids with, have financial stability with...well I've lost my train of thought a bit, haha...but to me that is no sacrifice.

There doesn't have to be an all consuming, burning passion there for us to get along well. We are best friends. There is love. We keep eachother content and happy. We cuddle. We plan things for the future.

Above all else we know our kids can have more, WE can have more, if we stay with eachother. As friends, lovers, partners...whatever phase our relationship happens to be going through. We want to buy a house and leave it to the kids. We want them to have us both there to cuddle and kiss at bedtime.

If we hated eachother and were miserable, that would be a different story. But we don't. We just aren't madly in love right now.

 

[sequeena]

No, I would imagine I'd become very resentful which then would affect the children.

 

[beanie1978]

I think the answer is if your happy. I personally, no way to any of the above. But some would say why Iam still with my dh if I'm not in love with him. I'm happy, I love him, my children and my dh are my world. I just don't get the butterfly's in my stomach ect that you get whilst in love ( unless he says he will watch them whilst I have a nap lol). People seem to think if your not in love then you must be unhappy or argue all the time. This is so not true for me and my dh.

 

[Hunbun]

No. I think two people should stay together if they love each other and want to be together.

I think many children from families with separated parents are happy and grow up just as well as children from families that live together. So I see no reason to stay in an unhappy/ loveless relationship.

Obviously it's better if the split is amicable but if the parents are willing to stay together chances are they are willing to work on issues quietly and sensibly.

 

[babyhopes2010]

No. I think two people should stay together if they love each other and want to be together.

I think many children from families with separated parents are happy and grow up just as well as children from families that live together. So I see no reason to stay in an unhappy/ loveless relationship.

Obviously it's better if the split is amicable but if the parents are willing to stay together chances are they are willing to work on issues quietly and sensibly.

you


me personally i resent my parents for not trying harder to stay together they broke up when i was 18months old and my brother was 3. they loved eachother but never tried. kids often strain any relationship. like they have mine.

 

[pompeyvix]

If I was seriously seriously unhappy, then I would leave. I am a very emotional person and I wear my heart of my sleeve so I just could not pretend everything was ok and put on a front for our children.

Saying that, it would take me a LOT to make me seriously unhappy. I wouldn't give up easily and as long as my husband was willing to make our marriage work, I would be willing to do everything I could to ensure we stayed together.

My husband is from a culture where divorce is pretty much taboo. Very very few people in his country divorce. He has a very big family and no one in his family are divorced. I don't necessarily think that is a good thing as I am pretty sure there must be some unhappy people around BUT it is has installed a 'never give up' attitude in my husband which means as long as neither of us have a full blown affair or turn abusive, we have a really good chance of staying together forever.

We have been together almost 12 years already and we have been through a lot together - good and bad. I couldn't imagine life without him & I would do everything in my power to ensure it stays that way. For me to go from happy now to seriously seriously unhappy he would either have to have a complete personality transplant, turn abusive (I'd get out immediately) or have a full blown affair.

 

[SaraEmily]

I think some people's expectations are too high when it comes to marriage and what being "in love" really means. It's not always romantic, and you're not always going to get the butterflies when you kiss. These days, people give up so easily. Once the passion fades, they give up and go off seeking something new and exciting. But inevitably, the passion will fade in each relationship. Marriage isn't like in the fairy tales. I think some people really don't understand that. They think true love means the passion never fades.

I also do understand what people mean when they say life is too short to not have that excitement anymore. But I think those people probably just shouldn't get married. Marriage is for people who are willing to settle down and stick together when the going gets tough and it's not all fun anymore. I think most marriages do start to feel more like companionship, like a pp said. Mine does a lot of the time, but that's okay with me. Even if I just love him as a friend and nothing else one day, I'll stay. As long as there's any love at all, and we're able to live together happily. I would be miserable if we had to split custody and take turns with LO.

Obviously, I think you should split up if it's a bad environment for the kids. (abuse, cheating, etc)

 

[NoodleSnack]

Sacrifice will only breed resentment if you let it. I sometimes wonder if the kids who had parents who 'stuck out for the kids' and are ungrateful for it, only feel that way because they didn't have to deal with divorce (not saying this is all cases by any means)

My mom stayed with my dad when we were younger for the sake of my sister and I, when she had every damn right to leave my father. And yes, growing up I could sense things were "off" BUT I also saw them come out the other side of that rough patch in their marriage and they have such an amazing relationship after that and are incredibly loving.

I've also seen my sisters divorce and what it has done to her kids, and it's heartbreaking. DH and I were together during her divorce and seeing the pain and heartache she and her kids are still going through 1 year later, we both agreed that we would fight tooth and nail to stay together. I have never, personally, seen a divorce that went well or 'smoothly'.

I agree there are legitimate reasons for divorce- abuse, infidelity, etc. I guess I just struggle with the "I'm not happy" reason-I'm a believer in you make your own happiness.

My parents had a pretty rough time when I was a kid too, but now they take care of each other first, we're older now so they're not as concerned about us. You kind of get a different perspective when you see your parents able to come out the other side happy and loving each other.

 

[babycrazy1706]

no, definitely not. Xx

 

[ZoeyKaspian]

I'm curious as to what others thought about this.

I am not in this situation, thankfully, but do have a few girlfriends and my MIL who are.

In your opinion, do you think you should ever be together solely for your children? There is no love, no affection, you are only together for the sake of your children.

I believe you should always follow your heart and if your heart is not in it, what's the point? You are only making yourself and eventually your children miserable as well. You will always be a family, just a little different.

What about you?

The answer is no. As a child from a divorced family, I am so glad they are divorced. A few years ago, my mom told me that her and my biological father had discussed getting back together and I had no idea about it. I told her that if it happened, I wouldn't be talking to her very often. I love my mom very much, but my biological father is a true piece who was clearly toying with her. If they had stayed together, "for our daughter", I would be sick to my stomach. I would never have met my current stepdad who has his flaws, but has cleaned my mom up so much. She had drug addictions and an alcohol problem thanks to my father (not saying she had no accountability for her own actions, but he did introduce her to these things) and my stepdad is the one who changed her whole life around. He is who I see as a father figure and have since I was fifteen years old. If it wasn't for the divorce, my mom and I wouldn't know someone so special and could be homeless. My father is someone who advocates child abuse as well so that's another dangerous factor. I admire my mom for knowing it was better, in the end, to stay the hell away from him. She was the one smart enough to file for divorce in a moment of clarity when she realized that he was putting her and I in danger, but she did have some weak moments with him. Again, I am just glad she finally got strong enough to say goodbye, put me before him, and married someone way better.

That also being said, as someone who is engaged to someone with a child from a previous relationship, they also did not belong together and they will both tell you that. It was more harmful to their son and her other son for them to stay together because all they ever did was argue in front of them.

 

[freckleonear]

I don't see living with someone I've known since I was 13, been together with since I was 18 (we are now 30), spent 8 hard years TTC our son, laughed with, cried with, moved towns with, shared hopes and dreams with, can have an amazingly happy companionship with, share my kids with, have financial stability with...well I've lost my train of thought a bit, haha...but to me that is no sacrifice.

There doesn't have to be an all consuming, burning passion there for us to get along well. We are best friends. There is love. We keep eachother content and happy. We cuddle. We plan things for the future.

Above all else we know our kids can have more, WE can have more, if we stay with eachother. As friends, lovers, partners...whatever phase our relationship happens to be going through. We want to buy a house and leave it to the kids. We want them to have us both there to cuddle and kiss at bedtime.

If we hated eachother and were miserable, that would be a different story. But we don't. We just aren't madly in love right now.

I can totally relate to that, we've been through phases in our marriage when we were more friends than lovers. There are different types of love and the "eros" love that people feel at the start of a relationship is often changeable, self-centred and short-lived. "Philos" is a give-and-take friendship love, whilst "agape" is a committed, selfless and unconditional love, but they don't necessarily have the same biological effects that make us feel "in love". I strongly believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment and that being in love is very much a choice, although it's not always easy and can require lots of hard work and effort.

At uni (I'm studying early childhood) we recently studied the effects of family breakdown on long-term child outcomes. Unless the breakup of a relationship would actually benefit my children (and I'm aware that there are many situations when this is the case) it's not something I would consider, so yes I would absolutely stay in a relationship for my children.

 

[NoodleSnack]

If I was seriously seriously unhappy, then I would leave. I am a very emotional person and I wear my heart of my sleeve so I just could not pretend everything was ok and put on a front for our children.

Saying that, it would take me a LOT to make me seriously unhappy. I wouldn't give up easily and as long as my husband was willing to make our marriage work, I would be willing to do everything I could to ensure we stayed together.

My husband is from a culture where divorce is pretty much taboo. Very very few people in his country divorce. He has a very big family and no one in his family are divorced. I don't necessarily think that is a good thing as I am pretty sure there must be some unhappy people around BUT it is has installed a 'never give up' attitude in my husband which means as long as neither of us have a full blown affair or turn abusive, we have a really good chance of staying together forever.

We have been together almost 12 years already and we have been through a lot together - good and bad. I couldn't imagine life without him & I would do everything in my power to ensure it stays that way. For me to go from happy now to seriously seriously unhappy he would either have to have a complete personality transplant, turn abusive (I'd get out immediately) or have a full blown affair.

This. Honestly, I would be hesitant to be with someone who's too open to divorce, I wouldn't know if he would be willing to work hard enough to stay together when it gets tough. Me and OH both comes from a culture that frowns on divorce, knowing that we intend to stay together our whole life is a good motivation to be good to each other and not build up resentment that make life miserable. While I can't control when I get angry with him, I can control how I react to it, I can ask him to change or change my expectations. Day to day, I still resent him over small things, get annoyed and all that, but it never gets to the point where I think it's unhealthy, but it easily could if we let it fester.

 

[AP]

I would. I have. Maybe the circumstances are different, as we do have a difficult setup, at this point in the kids lives I think we both know regardless that we need each other and they need us both. I don't think things are as black and white as it seems.
I can say all is well with us now but there have been some terribly dark times where perhaps I should have walked away, but push comes to shove we both know how hard it would be on the other person.

 

[NoodleSnack]

For people who say "everything could be sorted out"

1. What if your partner murdered someone?
2. Beat you black and blue?
3. Continously slept with other people behind your back.

Would you be so willing to stay with them then? Im not trying to be funny- intrigued.

I don't think anyone said that "everything" can be sorted.

Violence should be a deal breaker for anybody, people who stay in a violent relationship often feel trapped.

Some people think they can work through adultory, some have open relationships, I think adultory is another deal breaker.

As for murdering someone, well it depends on the situation, if he's a psycho murderer, then yeah, that's a deal breaker too.

 

[AP]

Adultery is one I've worked through. Though had it been during our marriage, that IS a deal breaker. Breaking vows is the end all for me but I know he feels very strongly about his vows. Yep that would be hard but I'd walk. Just a personal thing for me

Murder, prison for anything, domestic violence, goes without saying, but no way in heck would I stick around. There's a line drawn there

 

[onetwothreebp]

Absolutely not. I refuse to waste my best years with someone I don't love.

Children are resilitant, they'll be okay. Also, children are perceptive -they will know when their parents aren't in love. But most importantly... children grow up and move away.

Then what?

 

[staralfur]

I wrote a paper a few years ago about the effects of divorce on young children and it was pretty scary, to be honest. I would do everything in my power to keep things together, unless we were both totally miserable. Obviously there are circumstances where it's better to split up (fighting all the time, etc.) but I think it needs to be a very good reason. To me, feeling like we've fallen out of love wouldn't be a good enough reason to break up our family. As long as we still get along and love and respect each other then I want my daughter to have her family together.

That being said, I would consider it when she's older. Adolescents adapt much better to divorce and the like as long as the parents remain civil and respectful of one another.

 

[Stelly]

wow stelly- ur lo is so beautiful and u managed to beat the odds and exclusively bf! thats amazing!

Thank you babyhopes LO was really a champ through it all

 

[aliss]

I think a lot of us might mean the same thing just saying it in a different way. I wouldn't stay in a bad marriage but falling out of love doesn't mean a marriage is over - it means it's time to buckle down and work towards falling back into love. Sometimes it is as simple as changing routine and dating again.

I'm surprised some people would move on so quickly though. All marriages, even excellent ones, will have periods of just "not in love". If you jump ship every time that happens, you'll never stay in a relationship will you???

 

[Quackquack99]

No I wouldn't stay with my oh for the sake of our child. Why? Because my parents did it for us and they spent our whole childhood miserable, angry and annoyed. It really was awful for us as children. I'd rather my daughter see me happy alone then unhappy trying to keep a partnership working. My oh parents divorced when he was 11 and although it was sad that his parents were no longer together he could see both were much happier on their own.