Should you be together only for your child(ren)?

[Midnight_Fairy]

I don't see living with someone I've known since I was 13, been together with since I was 18 (we are now 30), spent 8 hard years TTC our son, laughed with, cried with, moved towns with, shared hopes and dreams with, can have an amazingly happy companionship with, share my kids with, have financial stability with...well I've lost my train of thought a bit, haha...but to me that is no sacrifice.

There doesn't have to be an all consuming, burning passion there for us to get along well. We are best friends. There is love. We keep eachother content and happy. We cuddle. We plan things for the future.

Above all else we know our kids can have more, WE can have more, if we stay with eachother. As friends, lovers, partners...whatever phase our relationship happens to be going through. We want to buy a house and leave it to the kids. We want them to have us both there to cuddle and kiss at bedtime.

If we hated eachother and were miserable, that would be a different story. But we don't. We just aren't madly in love right now.

Brilliant words. This is true x

 

[Natsku]

If the relationship really isn't working and you're miserable then no. I think that sets a bad example to your children of what a relationship is like - I'd hate for Maria to think its right to stay in a bad relationship and suffer.

 

[ZoeyKaspian]

I wrote a paper a few years ago about the effects of divorce on young children and it was pretty scary, to be honest. I would do everything in my power to keep things together, unless we were both totally miserable. Obviously there are circumstances where it's better to split up (fighting all the time, etc.) but I think it needs to be a very good reason. To me, feeling like we've fallen out of love wouldn't be a good enough reason to break up our family. As long as we still get along and love and respect each other then I want my daughter to have her family together.

That being said, I would consider it when she's older. Adolescents adapt much better to divorce and the like as long as the parents remain civil and respectful of one another.

I was two when my parents divorced. I don't really think their divorce had any harmful effects on me, to be honest. Them trying to get back together when I was a teenager and me finding out about it, just to follow my father's insistence that he is a better parent than my mother and that he thought my stepmother should be my mother was more harmful. My father and his wife taught me everything not to be as a stepparent and my mom and her husband taught me everything TO be as a stepparent. Anyway, I'm not saying it doesn't have harmful effects on some children, but in my case, even as a toddler, I would have had more of a freak out if they had stayed together. I had some issues growing up, but they would have been worse had they stayed together. My fiance's mom won't leave his dad and he's a great case of how staying together can be harmful to the kids and their relationship. It has put a strain on my fiance's relationship with his mom as an adult and he refuses to talk to his father.

 

[onetwothreebp]

I think a lot of us might mean the same thing just saying it in a different way. I wouldn't stay in a bad marriage but falling out of love doesn't mean a marriage is over - it means it's time to buckle down and work towards falling back into love. Sometimes it is as simple as changing routine and dating again.

I'm surprised some people would move on so quickly though. All marriages, even excellent ones, will have periods of just "not in love". If you jump ship every time that happens, you'll never stay in a relationship will you???

I agree with this. Marriage is hard work - it's not always going to be butterflies in the stomach and great, passionate sex. I think it's quite common to fall out of love during a marriage, but most people don't take the time to invest back into the relationship and fall back in love.

If I was truly convinced that my husband and I could not make it work, we would divorce. If there was abuse, we would divorce. However, divorce is truly the very last option for us. I would do anything in my power to make our marriage work not only for us, but for our son.

 

[Foogirl]

I think if two parents are able to live together as friends, without resentment and are happy with that, it's a good thing to do, especially for young children. If there is fighting and arguments and a clear dislike for each other and the situation, then they should not expose children to that. Staying together for the children isn't enough. Staying happy for the children is what counts, whether that be together or apart. My sister lives apart from her son's father, but they have remained good friends, he even works for her. They go out for family dinners (including their respective partners). I feel sure if they were able to live together it would be a great situation for her son. Unfortunately it was the fact they were unable to live together that led to their split.

I love my OH to bits, we have a strong marriage. We would definitely try remaining friends living in the same house if we ever got to the stage where our marriage wasn't working for either of us.

 

[DragonflyWing]

To answer the OP's direct question, I would not stay together just for the children, no.

To give a little more info, unless there is abuse involved, DH and I will never get divorced. I made a promise to him before I agreed to marry him that this was for life, no ifs, ands, or buts. I don't really believe that "falling out of love" is a valid reason for divorce, because I think love is a choice. True, you may not always have that passionate romantic feeling for your partner, but that's not really what love is all about. Our relationship is built on trust, mutual support, and genuine friendship. We have our ups and downs, and sometimes we're not "in love," but we choose, every day, to unconditionally love each other.

I had many people trying to convince me not to get married because I didn't necessarily have that "madly in love" feeling...but I went into this marriage with my eyes wide open and I've never regretted it for a second. I chose the partner I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I think that will be much more durable than if I had married someone because I was infatuated with them.

ETA: just want to clarify that this is what works for us, I don't judge anyone else who chooses to live their lives differently

 

[Tiff]

I really think it depends on the situation per couple.

MIL and FIL "stayed together for the kids" and it was horrific for my hubby and SIL growing up. They could tell that their parents despised each other and the constant fighting between them was very damaging.

My hubby actually told me once that he never ever wanted to get married because he was terrified he'd end up like his parents. So heartbreaking to hear! I do think in their case (since they couldn't and wouldn't try to work on their relationship to make it better) it would have been far better for them to just separate and potentially meet people who would make each of them happy, rather than staying together and being utterly miserable.

It was so bad that it was awkward to even be around them, they were constantly sniping at each other and saying really nasty things. Their relationship was beyond toxic. My MIL is only happy now that FIL passed away. Not that she's happy he's dead mind you, but just happy that she can "be" now without having all the negative energy that was around when they were together.

 

[bluebell]

I don't think there's a clear answer to this as it depends on the strength of the relationship.

I agree with the others that are in long lasting and commited relationships My DH and I have been together coming up 16 years and we have been through so much together, good times and bad and have grown up together. Neither of us have ever come close to thinking we shouldnt be together and I cant imagine we ever will. If we did have a difficult patch, we would work through it, we are both in this for the long haul, till death do us part. I love him so much, and although we've been through lots of stages in our relationship, throughout we have been the best of friends, we trust and respect each other and if anything, I notice our bond has become stronger.

That being said, I don't think you should stay together if your relationship is toxic, children should be brought up in happy, loving, stable homes and for some parents, this is far easier if the parents separate. My mum stayed with my dad and I was aware of the resentment towards him, increasingly so as I got older. They ended up divorcing when I was about 25 and I think we all would have been happier if they had separated sooner as they could have found their happy paths much sooner in life.

xx

 

[CeeDee]

If there was no abuse (physical, mental or substance), I would stay and we could live as friends. If we couldn’t live as friends then we probably shouldn’t have been together to begin with. The thought of my DD being shuffled between two households and watching her father date other women makes me cringe. I think divorce has more of a negative impact on children than a loveless marriage.

 

[Pearls18]

I haven't read the replies yet. On the whole no, my parents stuck it out till I was 16 even though I know they were unhappy much longer than that and it wasn't always a happy time, however, I had a fantastic childhood and I am grateful for my mum and dad trying so hard and do feel blessed to have grown up with 2 parents until 16 because tbh even though it wasn't always great when they were fighting I would say my home life was happier before they split, although they are much happier now so I am happy for them.

I do think couples need to think much harder about the long term, I know so many people who have children so quickly into a relationship or already don't have very strong foundations thinking babies fix everything, it is somewhat inevitable, of course we can never know what the future will hold and not all pregnancies are planned, but do think people should have made the decision about whether they want to be with their partner for life (whether that means marriage or not) long before having children if possible. So many people seem to be hung up on the idea of having a baby and don't actually think about the concept of the family, long term implications etc. It would be good if more broken families could be prevented, because I do personally feel that most of the time the best upbringing for a child is 2 happy parents, although I love my step parents I do find it stressful and really hope and strive to give our children a straightforward and happy upbringing, but not to the point we completely sacrifice our own happiness if it doesn't work out. I think the main thing though is that if parents do split up they try and remain amicable then, thats even more important I think, but I know life isnt perfect like that. I agree with the others that said it depends on the degree of relationship breakdown, if we could remain friendly and amicable I would probably try and last longer for the children's sake putting them before myself. I believe our marriage is for life or I wouldn't have married him so I don't even think about "what if", ever.