I can COMPLETELY understand where you come from.
I came from a very broken home - my mum and dad were together, then not, and my mum was diagnosed schizophrenic and I then went into foster care.
As a child of 10 I was looking after my family's babies, my friends sisters and brothers etc. When I was 12 I was regularly looking after a 1 year old, until I was 15. As in, Friday night to Sunday night.
I was then raped as a 14 year old - by my then boyfriend (I was a virgin at the time, and we hadn't been together long) and I fell pregnant. I found out at 15 weeks. He then found out my friend knew what he had done, and came round my house and confronted me. I was almost 24 weeks when he pushed me over and my daughter lost oxygen and died.
From then on, all I wanted was to be a mum, RIGHT THEN.
I then got my own flat at 16. I wanted to be a mum so bad! Then at 17 I'd been with my boyfriend for a year (he didn't live with me), and the first thing I thought? "I can come off my pill..."
Every time I was late, I did a pregnancy test, hoping and praying I was pregnant. I mean, I'd been thinking of this for YEARS - it's all I wanted. I had my own home, my own job, I paid for EVERYTHING myself (Even though in the UK, I could have had it all paid for for me as a care leaver)
Me and my boyfriend broke up, and I was devastated. I thought he was the one. I then swore off men and decided I would try to become a single mother.
I looked up sperm donors... etc. It looked hard, but I knew I could do it.
Then, purely by chance, I invited a guy I worked with over for pizza. He came round to watch a scary movie (he lived round the corner from me) and he stayed the night watching movies. The next day, he kissed me before leaving. My heart felt like it was going to BURST out of my chest.
We got together, and after a month, I told him how I felt, that I wanted a family and that I didn't want to wait till I was 25 etc... (I was 18 when I met him) and he said he doesn't either, but he wanted to become a manager in our workplace, and wanted us to live together first. 6 months later he moved in. We then decided to TTC. On our 1st anniversary I got my sticky positive, after 5 misscarriages. He then came home with a diamond ring and proposed.
9 months later my beautiful daughter was born. I was 20 years old.
She was the best, but the HARDEST thing to ever happen to me.
I am bi-polar, but controlled on medication. I had nights where she'd e fast asleep, and I'd be on my bathroom floor in tears - not because of bipolar... but because I had this little body that myself and my partner were responsible for. If she hurt herself, we'd be expected to fix it. As a teenager wanting a baby, that sounded like heaven. As a mum to a 3 month old with colic who cried for 5 days with only 1 hour breaks every so often? It was hell. I couldn't fix her. Without my partner, I wouldn't have gotten through it. We ended up not seeing each other because I'd stay up all night with her, and sleep on his days off of work so he had Amelia! My husband works from 6am-8pm, and gets home late, and works 6 days a week, sometimes 7, so I feel like a single mum sometimes, because when he DOES get home, he's tired, but I need those few hours he can take over, because otherwise I'd be dead to the world.
As much as your family is tight nit (so is my in law family) they won't ALWAYS be available to have your child for a few hours, or to be there when you need them RIGHT that second (because unfortunately, when something goes wrong, you have to fix it RIGHT THEN) and I know my in laws were supposed to be a big help - but they have their own lives and we hardly see them.
15 months after she was born, we got married in front of all of our family and friends. I was 21. And now, 3 months after that, we're TTC for our number 2.
So, to conclude - I DO know how you feel. I wanted Jessica more than I could have imagined wanting anything and losing her was heartbreaking. I was 14, and thought that I could handle anything. Now though, I know I couldn't have given her the life I wanted to.
I also look back at the times I thought I could just get pregnant with my boyfriend - and I realise how selfish I was for that. No matter how much I said to those who knew what I wanted "I will love that child, that's enough" and how I had an answer for everything, deep in my heart, I knew I wasn't doing the right thing. Love doesn't feed a child, and it doesn't fix a broken heart when they're being teased at school if someone finds out how they came to be.
NOW I look at my little girl, and my husband. I look at how her face lights up when he walks in the room. I listen to her and him having their "top secret conversations under the quilt" when I'm pretending to be asleep next to them. I watch him bath with her, and her fall asleep on him in the bath. THAT makes it all worth while.
So unfortunately, as someone who has gone through what you are feeling, and wanting, (although a lot of it was a lot younger than you are now, I was almost 19 when I got with my now husband) and failed to get what I wanted, but now have that in a stable marriage, where my partner is providing financially and I own my own business to contribute, I have to say that I cannot agree that you have thought this through.
I was self sufficient from 16 years old, and living in my own 2 bed flat. I was happy, healthy, and comfortable financially and I thought it through and through and through, but now, having had my little girl, I had NO idea. Just looking after a child that isn't yours doesn't compare.
You can ALWAYS give them back. I had to have my nephew whilst my brother went to work EVEN when I was sick as hell - or else my brother would have lost his house. Even that doesn't compare to the responsibility of having my own.
It's not your age, in the slightest, that I think makes you unprepared. I just don't think you realise JUST how hard it is, and that no matter how many twinges in your heart you get making you feel like it all has to be now - it doesn't. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a single mother - I know how it feels to think "God, I'd rather spend my life on my own!" because men have been more trouble than good, but it's something that needs to be thought through a lot longer, AND as a chosen single mother, you NEED to have a fair amount of money to do so. Savings etc. We made sure that we had £3000 to buy everything we needed for the child, and we make sure that her bank account has a minimum of £200 in it at any one time in case of emergencies, and obviously our money goes on her necessities. You say in previous posts that you don't work, and you've just said you've STARTED a job, so can I assume you don't have much saved for this? I can HONESTLY say that I've used my daughters "put aside" money when things have broken, or I've needed to take a taxi somewhere. It's best to have something behind you. Not EVERYONE does, but if you're choosing to become a parent, a SINGLE parent, you need to have a fall back.
The one thing I think that I REALLY disagree with what you've said, is you saying "I don't want to be an old mum" - uh, sorry, you're 20! You could wait 5 years and do this exact same thing then, and still be young! My brother in law is 25 and still lives at home, is coasting by having his mum cook for him, do his washing and pay for him to have his hair cut - yet we are still completely happy in the knowledge that he will one day move out and have his own family. We're certainly not looking at him and thinking "Wow, he's over the hill!" ;-)
Your messages on other posts contradict you completely. You say you were trying to "talk yourself out of it" or "on the fence" but the messages you have put on other posts are NOT that at all. You clearly come across as someone who really doesn't know what she wants - except that she wants a baby. I don't want you to feel that what you want is wrong in my eyes, because it truly isn't. I wanted it, and I know how hard that feeling tugs at you, but it is WORTH the wait. One day you might meet the man of your dreams, and you just don't know how important it might be to have HIS child. I even now, want another but KNOW that if me and my husband split for any reason, I wouldn't have more. I PERSONALLY (opinion ;-)) want my children to all be from my husband, and I want them to know him and see him ALL the time, whether we're together for the rest of our lives or not. That didn't seem important to me before, but it is now, and you never know HOW important till you go through it.
I'm sure I will probably get shot down for my long ass essay - and I truly don't mean to hurt your feelings, but as someone pointed out, that when you put this up you would have known what you'd get, support and opinions
All of the single mothers who did it, and have a fantastic child/adult to show for it, I take my hat off to you. You're all amazing! But how many of you can honestly say you wouldn't have done it differently, if you had the chance? How many of you would say that you would have CHOSEN to do it this way, if you had a choice?
I wanted that, and only NOW do I realise just how naive I was
Of course, when you have this baby, as I'm sure you will, because you seem to have made up your mind (good on you, because it is YOUR life) you will most likely manage to get through all the bad points that everyone has said. You'll probably manage on the money you have, and figure out a way to handle it all on your own, because you'll have to, but I just can't imagine wanting to have a child that way, if I knew I could do it without so much struggle.
When you fall pregnant, I will be the first to congratulate you, and offer you advice, and e-hugs, whether that be in January, or in 2015, but I honestly think that no matter how much you think you've thought this through, you CANNOT prepare yourself for a baby, no matter how much you try, and I certainly did not know how much I would come to depend on my husband, until that little girl was put into my arms. I think you need to tell your parents. You need to let them know what you want to do, so that the ones who WILL be with you, supporting you, helping you, can give their opinions, because mine, and all the others on here, don't matter at all because WE won't be with you.
Nothing any of us say will ever change your mind, but please just make sure you can support a child financially on your own, and not just "scrape by", because if that was all you could do, when you look at that child when you have no money for them to buy something simple, it'll break your heart that you chose that route.
Make sure you're ready to deal with everything emotionally. Yes, your family will probably be a fantastic support system, but unlike most willing fathers, they may just have enough one day and leave you to do it on your own. (I say unlike a willing father, because I know if my husband left, I'd still have family to fall back on. If my fall back was my first option, and they left, I'd be completely alone)
Make sure you have everything planned properly. Sit down with a financial advisor,m or if you have one, citizens advice, and find out your rights, and find out what you have as a fall back for if a disaster happens and you need help for anything (MOST employers won't give you maternity until you've been there a set amount of time)
Good luck with everything you do in your life, and when you are a mummy, whenever that may be, it will be the best, the scariest, the happiest, the hardest and the most natural thing you could ever do. I honestly do hope that everything works out great, that you are happy, fall pregnant next year, have a baby and have a wonderful life! I have no doubt that if you do have a baby soon, your baby will be well loved, wanted and cared for! xx
This is super long, so im going to do my best to touch base on everything mentioned but if i miss something I apologize.
first thing I need to clear up is the most important thing to me, my nephew!
I know that no one here would possibly be able to understand what I have gone through with him, no one here has seen it for the past two years so I dont expect anyone to be able to understand!
But that little boy has lived with me his entire life, except for the past 4 months, since the day he came home from the hospital he was in my care full time, his mother hadnt made a bottle for him, until he was 4 months old, she never once got up with him in the middle of the night, and while she was out galavanting around the city, I was at home with the teething baby who was inconsolable. He was with me the first time he sat, crawled, laughed, stood, walked, and talked. There were time where he would be crying and nothing would sooth him and I would just cry, It has been the most difficult two years of my life, but also the most amazing. I love him more than I have ever loved anything my entire life, when he says " I LOVE AUNTIEEEEEE" my heart melts over and over again, and everything I do I do to improve his life, and make sure he has everything he needs. I know what its like to be a mother. Trust me.
I am fine financially, I have worked since I was 16 and have always been smart about saving, the only reason I dont have a job here anymore is because I quit because I am moving, I do have savings, which I plan to keep right where it is until I have an emergency.
Me having a child now is not going to make things difficult for me, I mean emotionally of COURSE things get difficult!!!! Being a mom is harrrrrd work, but I feel prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that is to come! I just feel prepared for this, its truly the only thing I truly want, The only thing I dream of, the only thing that is constantly on my mind every single minute of every single day. I want this, I want this bad.
i applaud you for how you have stuck to your guns and stood up for yourself, but i feel like i need to say something here. i wont give my opinion on whether i think you are doing the right thing, because i dont think its needed, or helpful for you to know.
what i will say is, i think its naive to think you know what its like to be a mum before you become one. i know you have looked after your nephew a lot, but there's other things to having a baby rather then look after them all the time. the birth itself, recovery of the birth both emotionally and physically, baby blues and postnatal depression, if you are unfortunate enough to have it. then there is the responsibility of having a child - whether you look after your nephew all the time, you dont have that responsibility to make life changing decisions. the unconditional love that a mum feels for her baby. if everything goes wrong, there's always that safety net there - he's not yours and you have no obligation to carry on caring for him.
then, i think the big one, that moment when it hits you when you get home from the hospital when you realize your life will never be the same again. i will never just be you again, it will be you and baby. its hard to explain, but it feels like you've been winded and it does take a while to get your head around.
i hope i havent offended you
You havent offended me, however.
you are right I have no idea what pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum is like Ive seen people go through these things but never experienced it myself.
But thats not really what determines parenthood, you see, I haven't just been babysitting my nephew, I have been raising him, I have every obligation to carry on caring for him, I made the choice to care for him when no one else did, and I have never in this whole time even considered that I could just stop, I have taken this boy to the hospital with him having seizures, 5 days before christmas, not leaving his side the entire time, and you want to know what his "mother" was doing? about 8 hours after he was admitted she decided to go out of town with her boyfriend, because I had it under control?
Every piece of clothing that boy has, I have worked my butt off to get it for him, The majority of his toys, same thing, The milk he drinks every day? Auntie buys it, the food he eats, yep you guessed it.
Because I have no legal obligation to do the things I do for him, means nothing, You talk about unconditional love for the child, and if you spent an hour with him and I you would see that.
Taking care of a child makes you a babysitter, raising a child makes you a parent, I am the closest thing he has to a parent, and I take major pride in knowing that everything I do for him, is going to turn him into a man worth knowing.
The moment he was born is the single most memorable, important and life changing moment of my entire life, the day he came home, I never dreamed in a million years things would be how they are, I had never even considered it, very quickly without any guidance, knowledge, or warning I was thrown into parenting this little baby, I didnt get 40 weeks to prepare myself like a woman who is the biological mother, I didnt know anything about babys, not a thing, but you should know that I learned awfully quick!
I think it is very fair of me to say I know exactly what it is like to be a mother. To be a mother the hard way.
Having my own child will be a freaking walk in the park (not literally) compared to what I have gone through with Jase!!! But you know one thing I know forsure? If someone were to offer me millions of dollars to change any of it, I wouldnt do it, I cherish everything to do with him, the good times and the bad times, I love him as though I carried him for 40 weeks in my belly, and have birth to him, I love him in ways that are impossible to give words to. anywayyyyyyyys lol this turned into a big long rant, so im sorry lmao
You know what you are probably right, I think because I feel like I know what its like, and just know what I have experienced, and through talking to people who are mothers, they tell me what I feel is what they feel so I assume it must be that way, do you get what im saying cause im not sure that I just made sense lol!I can COMPLETELY understand where you come from.
I came from a very broken home - my mum and dad were together, then not, and my mum was diagnosed schizophrenic and I then went into foster care.
As a child of 10 I was looking after my family's babies, my friends sisters and brothers etc. When I was 12 I was regularly looking after a 1 year old, until I was 15. As in, Friday night to Sunday night.
I was then raped as a 14 year old - by my then boyfriend (I was a virgin at the time, and we hadn't been together long) and I fell pregnant. I found out at 15 weeks. He then found out my friend knew what he had done, and came round my house and confronted me. I was almost 24 weeks when he pushed me over and my daughter lost oxygen and died.
From then on, all I wanted was to be a mum, RIGHT THEN.
I then got my own flat at 16. I wanted to be a mum so bad! Then at 17 I'd been with my boyfriend for a year (he didn't live with me), and the first thing I thought? "I can come off my pill..."
Every time I was late, I did a pregnancy test, hoping and praying I was pregnant. I mean, I'd been thinking of this for YEARS - it's all I wanted. I had my own home, my own job, I paid for EVERYTHING myself (Even though in the UK, I could have had it all paid for for me as a care leaver)
Me and my boyfriend broke up, and I was devastated. I thought he was the one. I then swore off men and decided I would try to become a single mother.
I looked up sperm donors... etc. It looked hard, but I knew I could do it.
Then, purely by chance, I invited a guy I worked with over for pizza. He came round to watch a scary movie (he lived round the corner from me) and he stayed the night watching movies. The next day, he kissed me before leaving. My heart felt like it was going to BURST out of my chest.
We got together, and after a month, I told him how I felt, that I wanted a family and that I didn't want to wait till I was 25 etc... (I was 18 when I met him) and he said he doesn't either, but he wanted to become a manager in our workplace, and wanted us to live together first. 6 months later he moved in. We then decided to TTC. On our 1st anniversary I got my sticky positive, after 5 misscarriages. He then came home with a diamond ring and proposed.
9 months later my beautiful daughter was born. I was 20 years old.
She was the best, but the HARDEST thing to ever happen to me.
I am bi-polar, but controlled on medication. I had nights where she'd e fast asleep, and I'd be on my bathroom floor in tears - not because of bipolar... but because I had this little body that myself and my partner were responsible for. If she hurt herself, we'd be expected to fix it. As a teenager wanting a baby, that sounded like heaven. As a mum to a 3 month old with colic who cried for 5 days with only 1 hour breaks every so often? It was hell. I couldn't fix her. Without my partner, I wouldn't have gotten through it. We ended up not seeing each other because I'd stay up all night with her, and sleep on his days off of work so he had Amelia! My husband works from 6am-8pm, and gets home late, and works 6 days a week, sometimes 7, so I feel like a single mum sometimes, because when he DOES get home, he's tired, but I need those few hours he can take over, because otherwise I'd be dead to the world.
As much as your family is tight nit (so is my in law family) they won't ALWAYS be available to have your child for a few hours, or to be there when you need them RIGHT that second (because unfortunately, when something goes wrong, you have to fix it RIGHT THEN) and I know my in laws were supposed to be a big help - but they have their own lives and we hardly see them.
15 months after she was born, we got married in front of all of our family and friends. I was 21. And now, 3 months after that, we're TTC for our number 2.
So, to conclude - I DO know how you feel. I wanted Jessica more than I could have imagined wanting anything and losing her was heartbreaking. I was 14, and thought that I could handle anything. Now though, I know I couldn't have given her the life I wanted to.
I also look back at the times I thought I could just get pregnant with my boyfriend - and I realise how selfish I was for that. No matter how much I said to those who knew what I wanted "I will love that child, that's enough" and how I had an answer for everything, deep in my heart, I knew I wasn't doing the right thing. Love doesn't feed a child, and it doesn't fix a broken heart when they're being teased at school if someone finds out how they came to be.
NOW I look at my little girl, and my husband. I look at how her face lights up when he walks in the room. I listen to her and him having their "top secret conversations under the quilt" when I'm pretending to be asleep next to them. I watch him bath with her, and her fall asleep on him in the bath. THAT makes it all worth while.
So unfortunately, as someone who has gone through what you are feeling, and wanting, (although a lot of it was a lot younger than you are now, I was almost 19 when I got with my now husband) and failed to get what I wanted, but now have that in a stable marriage, where my partner is providing financially and I own my own business to contribute, I have to say that I cannot agree that you have thought this through.
I was self sufficient from 16 years old, and living in my own 2 bed flat. I was happy, healthy, and comfortable financially and I thought it through and through and through, but now, having had my little girl, I had NO idea. Just looking after a child that isn't yours doesn't compare.
You can ALWAYS give them back. I had to have my nephew whilst my brother went to work EVEN when I was sick as hell - or else my brother would have lost his house. Even that doesn't compare to the responsibility of having my own.
It's not your age, in the slightest, that I think makes you unprepared. I just don't think you realise JUST how hard it is, and that no matter how many twinges in your heart you get making you feel like it all has to be now - it doesn't. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a single mother - I know how it feels to think "God, I'd rather spend my life on my own!" because men have been more trouble than good, but it's something that needs to be thought through a lot longer, AND as a chosen single mother, you NEED to have a fair amount of money to do so. Savings etc. We made sure that we had £3000 to buy everything we needed for the child, and we make sure that her bank account has a minimum of £200 in it at any one time in case of emergencies, and obviously our money goes on her necessities. You say in previous posts that you don't work, and you've just said you've STARTED a job, so can I assume you don't have much saved for this? I can HONESTLY say that I've used my daughters "put aside" money when things have broken, or I've needed to take a taxi somewhere. It's best to have something behind you. Not EVERYONE does, but if you're choosing to become a parent, a SINGLE parent, you need to have a fall back.
The one thing I think that I REALLY disagree with what you've said, is you saying "I don't want to be an old mum" - uh, sorry, you're 20! You could wait 5 years and do this exact same thing then, and still be young! My brother in law is 25 and still lives at home, is coasting by having his mum cook for him, do his washing and pay for him to have his hair cut - yet we are still completely happy in the knowledge that he will one day move out and have his own family. We're certainly not looking at him and thinking "Wow, he's over the hill!" ;-)
Your messages on other posts contradict you completely. You say you were trying to "talk yourself out of it" or "on the fence" but the messages you have put on other posts are NOT that at all. You clearly come across as someone who really doesn't know what she wants - except that she wants a baby. I don't want you to feel that what you want is wrong in my eyes, because it truly isn't. I wanted it, and I know how hard that feeling tugs at you, but it is WORTH the wait. One day you might meet the man of your dreams, and you just don't know how important it might be to have HIS child. I even now, want another but KNOW that if me and my husband split for any reason, I wouldn't have more. I PERSONALLY (opinion ;-)) want my children to all be from my husband, and I want them to know him and see him ALL the time, whether we're together for the rest of our lives or not. That didn't seem important to me before, but it is now, and you never know HOW important till you go through it.
I'm sure I will probably get shot down for my long ass essay - and I truly don't mean to hurt your feelings, but as someone pointed out, that when you put this up you would have known what you'd get, support and opinions
All of the single mothers who did it, and have a fantastic child/adult to show for it, I take my hat off to you. You're all amazing! But how many of you can honestly say you wouldn't have done it differently, if you had the chance? How many of you would say that you would have CHOSEN to do it this way, if you had a choice?
I wanted that, and only NOW do I realise just how naive I was
Of course, when you have this baby, as I'm sure you will, because you seem to have made up your mind (good on you, because it is YOUR life) you will most likely manage to get through all the bad points that everyone has said. You'll probably manage on the money you have, and figure out a way to handle it all on your own, because you'll have to, but I just can't imagine wanting to have a child that way, if I knew I could do it without so much struggle.
When you fall pregnant, I will be the first to congratulate you, and offer you advice, and e-hugs, whether that be in January, or in 2015, but I honestly think that no matter how much you think you've thought this through, you CANNOT prepare yourself for a baby, no matter how much you try, and I certainly did not know how much I would come to depend on my husband, until that little girl was put into my arms. I think you need to tell your parents. You need to let them know what you want to do, so that the ones who WILL be with you, supporting you, helping you, can give their opinions, because mine, and all the others on here, don't matter at all because WE won't be with you.
Nothing any of us say will ever change your mind, but please just make sure you can support a child financially on your own, and not just "scrape by", because if that was all you could do, when you look at that child when you have no money for them to buy something simple, it'll break your heart that you chose that route.
Make sure you're ready to deal with everything emotionally. Yes, your family will probably be a fantastic support system, but unlike most willing fathers, they may just have enough one day and leave you to do it on your own. (I say unlike a willing father, because I know if my husband left, I'd still have family to fall back on. If my fall back was my first option, and they left, I'd be completely alone)
Make sure you have everything planned properly. Sit down with a financial advisor,m or if you have one, citizens advice, and find out your rights, and find out what you have as a fall back for if a disaster happens and you need help for anything (MOST employers won't give you maternity until you've been there a set amount of time)
Good luck with everything you do in your life, and when you are a mummy, whenever that may be, it will be the best, the scariest, the happiest, the hardest and the most natural thing you could ever do. I honestly do hope that everything works out great, that you are happy, fall pregnant next year, have a baby and have a wonderful life! I have no doubt that if you do have a baby soon, your baby will be well loved, wanted and cared for! xx
This is super long, so im going to do my best to touch base on everything mentioned but if i miss something I apologize.
first thing I need to clear up is the most important thing to me, my nephew!
I know that no one here would possibly be able to understand what I have gone through with him, no one here has seen it for the past two years so I dont expect anyone to be able to understand!
But that little boy has lived with me his entire life, except for the past 4 months, since the day he came home from the hospital he was in my care full time, his mother hadnt made a bottle for him, until he was 4 months old, she never once got up with him in the middle of the night, and while she was out galavanting around the city, I was at home with the teething baby who was inconsolable. He was with me the first time he sat, crawled, laughed, stood, walked, and talked. There were time where he would be crying and nothing would sooth him and I would just cry, It has been the most difficult two years of my life, but also the most amazing. I love him more than I have ever loved anything my entire life, when he says " I LOVE AUNTIEEEEEE" my heart melts over and over again, and everything I do I do to improve his life, and make sure he has everything he needs. I know what its like to be a mother. Trust me.
I am fine financially, I have worked since I was 16 and have always been smart about saving, the only reason I dont have a job here anymore is because I quit because I am moving, I do have savings, which I plan to keep right where it is until I have an emergency.
Me having a child now is not going to make things difficult for me, I mean emotionally of COURSE things get difficult!!!! Being a mom is harrrrrd work, but I feel prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that is to come! I just feel prepared for this, its truly the only thing I truly want, The only thing I dream of, the only thing that is constantly on my mind every single minute of every single day. I want this, I want this bad.
i applaud you for how you have stuck to your guns and stood up for yourself, but i feel like i need to say something here. i wont give my opinion on whether i think you are doing the right thing, because i dont think its needed, or helpful for you to know.
what i will say is, i think its naive to think you know what its like to be a mum before you become one. i know you have looked after your nephew a lot, but there's other things to having a baby rather then look after them all the time. the birth itself, recovery of the birth both emotionally and physically, baby blues and postnatal depression, if you are unfortunate enough to have it. then there is the responsibility of having a child - whether you look after your nephew all the time, you dont have that responsibility to make life changing decisions. the unconditional love that a mum feels for her baby. if everything goes wrong, there's always that safety net there - he's not yours and you have no obligation to carry on caring for him.
then, i think the big one, that moment when it hits you when you get home from the hospital when you realize your life will never be the same again. i will never just be you again, it will be you and baby. its hard to explain, but it feels like you've been winded and it does take a while to get your head around.
i hope i havent offended you
You havent offended me, however.
you are right I have no idea what pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum is like Ive seen people go through these things but never experienced it myself.
But thats not really what determines parenthood, you see, I haven't just been babysitting my nephew, I have been raising him, I have every obligation to carry on caring for him, I made the choice to care for him when no one else did, and I have never in this whole time even considered that I could just stop, I have taken this boy to the hospital with him having seizures, 5 days before christmas, not leaving his side the entire time, and you want to know what his "mother" was doing? about 8 hours after he was admitted she decided to go out of town with her boyfriend, because I had it under control?
Every piece of clothing that boy has, I have worked my butt off to get it for him, The majority of his toys, same thing, The milk he drinks every day? Auntie buys it, the food he eats, yep you guessed it.
Because I have no legal obligation to do the things I do for him, means nothing, You talk about unconditional love for the child, and if you spent an hour with him and I you would see that.
Taking care of a child makes you a babysitter, raising a child makes you a parent, I am the closest thing he has to a parent, and I take major pride in knowing that everything I do for him, is going to turn him into a man worth knowing.
The moment he was born is the single most memorable, important and life changing moment of my entire life, the day he came home, I never dreamed in a million years things would be how they are, I had never even considered it, very quickly without any guidance, knowledge, or warning I was thrown into parenting this little baby, I didnt get 40 weeks to prepare myself like a woman who is the biological mother, I didnt know anything about babys, not a thing, but you should know that I learned awfully quick!
I think it is very fair of me to say I know exactly what it is like to be a mother. To be a mother the hard way.
Having my own child will be a freaking walk in the park (not literally) compared to what I have gone through with Jase!!! But you know one thing I know forsure? If someone were to offer me millions of dollars to change any of it, I wouldnt do it, I cherish everything to do with him, the good times and the bad times, I love him as though I carried him for 40 weeks in my belly, and have birth to him, I love him in ways that are impossible to give words to. anywayyyyyyyys lol this turned into a big long rant, so im sorry lmao
i think what you've done for you nephew is amazing and i really hope that one day you will get to adopt him if thats what you all want
if someone took my baby away from me i wouldn't sleep until i got him back, i would be hysterical. i think that's the difference. trust me those 40 weeks, or 38 weeks in my case, doesn't make a difference, its still a big shock (understatement). i think just open your mind a bit, this whole 'i know what its like to be a mum already' and not accepting from people who already are mums, that in fact nobody knows until they become one, makes you seem a little immature in my eyes. i think you are extremely well prepared to become a mum and i wish you the best of luck, but that one point is bugging me x
You know what you are probably right, I think because I feel like I know what its like, and just know what I have experienced, and through talking to people who are mothers, they tell me what I feel is what they feel so I assume it must be that way, do you get what im saying cause im not sure that I just made sense lol!I can COMPLETELY understand where you come from.
I came from a very broken home - my mum and dad were together, then not, and my mum was diagnosed schizophrenic and I then went into foster care.
As a child of 10 I was looking after my family's babies, my friends sisters and brothers etc. When I was 12 I was regularly looking after a 1 year old, until I was 15. As in, Friday night to Sunday night.
I was then raped as a 14 year old - by my then boyfriend (I was a virgin at the time, and we hadn't been together long) and I fell pregnant. I found out at 15 weeks. He then found out my friend knew what he had done, and came round my house and confronted me. I was almost 24 weeks when he pushed me over and my daughter lost oxygen and died.
From then on, all I wanted was to be a mum, RIGHT THEN.
I then got my own flat at 16. I wanted to be a mum so bad! Then at 17 I'd been with my boyfriend for a year (he didn't live with me), and the first thing I thought? "I can come off my pill..."
Every time I was late, I did a pregnancy test, hoping and praying I was pregnant. I mean, I'd been thinking of this for YEARS - it's all I wanted. I had my own home, my own job, I paid for EVERYTHING myself (Even though in the UK, I could have had it all paid for for me as a care leaver)
Me and my boyfriend broke up, and I was devastated. I thought he was the one. I then swore off men and decided I would try to become a single mother.
I looked up sperm donors... etc. It looked hard, but I knew I could do it.
Then, purely by chance, I invited a guy I worked with over for pizza. He came round to watch a scary movie (he lived round the corner from me) and he stayed the night watching movies. The next day, he kissed me before leaving. My heart felt like it was going to BURST out of my chest.
We got together, and after a month, I told him how I felt, that I wanted a family and that I didn't want to wait till I was 25 etc... (I was 18 when I met him) and he said he doesn't either, but he wanted to become a manager in our workplace, and wanted us to live together first. 6 months later he moved in. We then decided to TTC. On our 1st anniversary I got my sticky positive, after 5 misscarriages. He then came home with a diamond ring and proposed.
9 months later my beautiful daughter was born. I was 20 years old.
She was the best, but the HARDEST thing to ever happen to me.
I am bi-polar, but controlled on medication. I had nights where she'd e fast asleep, and I'd be on my bathroom floor in tears - not because of bipolar... but because I had this little body that myself and my partner were responsible for. If she hurt herself, we'd be expected to fix it. As a teenager wanting a baby, that sounded like heaven. As a mum to a 3 month old with colic who cried for 5 days with only 1 hour breaks every so often? It was hell. I couldn't fix her. Without my partner, I wouldn't have gotten through it. We ended up not seeing each other because I'd stay up all night with her, and sleep on his days off of work so he had Amelia! My husband works from 6am-8pm, and gets home late, and works 6 days a week, sometimes 7, so I feel like a single mum sometimes, because when he DOES get home, he's tired, but I need those few hours he can take over, because otherwise I'd be dead to the world.
As much as your family is tight nit (so is my in law family) they won't ALWAYS be available to have your child for a few hours, or to be there when you need them RIGHT that second (because unfortunately, when something goes wrong, you have to fix it RIGHT THEN) and I know my in laws were supposed to be a big help - but they have their own lives and we hardly see them.
15 months after she was born, we got married in front of all of our family and friends. I was 21. And now, 3 months after that, we're TTC for our number 2.
So, to conclude - I DO know how you feel. I wanted Jessica more than I could have imagined wanting anything and losing her was heartbreaking. I was 14, and thought that I could handle anything. Now though, I know I couldn't have given her the life I wanted to.
I also look back at the times I thought I could just get pregnant with my boyfriend - and I realise how selfish I was for that. No matter how much I said to those who knew what I wanted "I will love that child, that's enough" and how I had an answer for everything, deep in my heart, I knew I wasn't doing the right thing. Love doesn't feed a child, and it doesn't fix a broken heart when they're being teased at school if someone finds out how they came to be.
NOW I look at my little girl, and my husband. I look at how her face lights up when he walks in the room. I listen to her and him having their "top secret conversations under the quilt" when I'm pretending to be asleep next to them. I watch him bath with her, and her fall asleep on him in the bath. THAT makes it all worth while.
So unfortunately, as someone who has gone through what you are feeling, and wanting, (although a lot of it was a lot younger than you are now, I was almost 19 when I got with my now husband) and failed to get what I wanted, but now have that in a stable marriage, where my partner is providing financially and I own my own business to contribute, I have to say that I cannot agree that you have thought this through.
I was self sufficient from 16 years old, and living in my own 2 bed flat. I was happy, healthy, and comfortable financially and I thought it through and through and through, but now, having had my little girl, I had NO idea. Just looking after a child that isn't yours doesn't compare.
You can ALWAYS give them back. I had to have my nephew whilst my brother went to work EVEN when I was sick as hell - or else my brother would have lost his house. Even that doesn't compare to the responsibility of having my own.
It's not your age, in the slightest, that I think makes you unprepared. I just don't think you realise JUST how hard it is, and that no matter how many twinges in your heart you get making you feel like it all has to be now - it doesn't. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a single mother - I know how it feels to think "God, I'd rather spend my life on my own!" because men have been more trouble than good, but it's something that needs to be thought through a lot longer, AND as a chosen single mother, you NEED to have a fair amount of money to do so. Savings etc. We made sure that we had £3000 to buy everything we needed for the child, and we make sure that her bank account has a minimum of £200 in it at any one time in case of emergencies, and obviously our money goes on her necessities. You say in previous posts that you don't work, and you've just said you've STARTED a job, so can I assume you don't have much saved for this? I can HONESTLY say that I've used my daughters "put aside" money when things have broken, or I've needed to take a taxi somewhere. It's best to have something behind you. Not EVERYONE does, but if you're choosing to become a parent, a SINGLE parent, you need to have a fall back.
The one thing I think that I REALLY disagree with what you've said, is you saying "I don't want to be an old mum" - uh, sorry, you're 20! You could wait 5 years and do this exact same thing then, and still be young! My brother in law is 25 and still lives at home, is coasting by having his mum cook for him, do his washing and pay for him to have his hair cut - yet we are still completely happy in the knowledge that he will one day move out and have his own family. We're certainly not looking at him and thinking "Wow, he's over the hill!" ;-)
Your messages on other posts contradict you completely. You say you were trying to "talk yourself out of it" or "on the fence" but the messages you have put on other posts are NOT that at all. You clearly come across as someone who really doesn't know what she wants - except that she wants a baby. I don't want you to feel that what you want is wrong in my eyes, because it truly isn't. I wanted it, and I know how hard that feeling tugs at you, but it is WORTH the wait. One day you might meet the man of your dreams, and you just don't know how important it might be to have HIS child. I even now, want another but KNOW that if me and my husband split for any reason, I wouldn't have more. I PERSONALLY (opinion ;-)) want my children to all be from my husband, and I want them to know him and see him ALL the time, whether we're together for the rest of our lives or not. That didn't seem important to me before, but it is now, and you never know HOW important till you go through it.
I'm sure I will probably get shot down for my long ass essay - and I truly don't mean to hurt your feelings, but as someone pointed out, that when you put this up you would have known what you'd get, support and opinions
All of the single mothers who did it, and have a fantastic child/adult to show for it, I take my hat off to you. You're all amazing! But how many of you can honestly say you wouldn't have done it differently, if you had the chance? How many of you would say that you would have CHOSEN to do it this way, if you had a choice?
I wanted that, and only NOW do I realise just how naive I was
Of course, when you have this baby, as I'm sure you will, because you seem to have made up your mind (good on you, because it is YOUR life) you will most likely manage to get through all the bad points that everyone has said. You'll probably manage on the money you have, and figure out a way to handle it all on your own, because you'll have to, but I just can't imagine wanting to have a child that way, if I knew I could do it without so much struggle.
When you fall pregnant, I will be the first to congratulate you, and offer you advice, and e-hugs, whether that be in January, or in 2015, but I honestly think that no matter how much you think you've thought this through, you CANNOT prepare yourself for a baby, no matter how much you try, and I certainly did not know how much I would come to depend on my husband, until that little girl was put into my arms. I think you need to tell your parents. You need to let them know what you want to do, so that the ones who WILL be with you, supporting you, helping you, can give their opinions, because mine, and all the others on here, don't matter at all because WE won't be with you.
Nothing any of us say will ever change your mind, but please just make sure you can support a child financially on your own, and not just "scrape by", because if that was all you could do, when you look at that child when you have no money for them to buy something simple, it'll break your heart that you chose that route.
Make sure you're ready to deal with everything emotionally. Yes, your family will probably be a fantastic support system, but unlike most willing fathers, they may just have enough one day and leave you to do it on your own. (I say unlike a willing father, because I know if my husband left, I'd still have family to fall back on. If my fall back was my first option, and they left, I'd be completely alone)
Make sure you have everything planned properly. Sit down with a financial advisor,m or if you have one, citizens advice, and find out your rights, and find out what you have as a fall back for if a disaster happens and you need help for anything (MOST employers won't give you maternity until you've been there a set amount of time)
Good luck with everything you do in your life, and when you are a mummy, whenever that may be, it will be the best, the scariest, the happiest, the hardest and the most natural thing you could ever do. I honestly do hope that everything works out great, that you are happy, fall pregnant next year, have a baby and have a wonderful life! I have no doubt that if you do have a baby soon, your baby will be well loved, wanted and cared for! xx
This is super long, so im going to do my best to touch base on everything mentioned but if i miss something I apologize.
first thing I need to clear up is the most important thing to me, my nephew!
I know that no one here would possibly be able to understand what I have gone through with him, no one here has seen it for the past two years so I dont expect anyone to be able to understand!
But that little boy has lived with me his entire life, except for the past 4 months, since the day he came home from the hospital he was in my care full time, his mother hadnt made a bottle for him, until he was 4 months old, she never once got up with him in the middle of the night, and while she was out galavanting around the city, I was at home with the teething baby who was inconsolable. He was with me the first time he sat, crawled, laughed, stood, walked, and talked. There were time where he would be crying and nothing would sooth him and I would just cry, It has been the most difficult two years of my life, but also the most amazing. I love him more than I have ever loved anything my entire life, when he says " I LOVE AUNTIEEEEEE" my heart melts over and over again, and everything I do I do to improve his life, and make sure he has everything he needs. I know what its like to be a mother. Trust me.
I am fine financially, I have worked since I was 16 and have always been smart about saving, the only reason I dont have a job here anymore is because I quit because I am moving, I do have savings, which I plan to keep right where it is until I have an emergency.
Me having a child now is not going to make things difficult for me, I mean emotionally of COURSE things get difficult!!!! Being a mom is harrrrrd work, but I feel prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that is to come! I just feel prepared for this, its truly the only thing I truly want, The only thing I dream of, the only thing that is constantly on my mind every single minute of every single day. I want this, I want this bad.
i applaud you for how you have stuck to your guns and stood up for yourself, but i feel like i need to say something here. i wont give my opinion on whether i think you are doing the right thing, because i dont think its needed, or helpful for you to know.
what i will say is, i think its naive to think you know what its like to be a mum before you become one. i know you have looked after your nephew a lot, but there's other things to having a baby rather then look after them all the time. the birth itself, recovery of the birth both emotionally and physically, baby blues and postnatal depression, if you are unfortunate enough to have it. then there is the responsibility of having a child - whether you look after your nephew all the time, you dont have that responsibility to make life changing decisions. the unconditional love that a mum feels for her baby. if everything goes wrong, there's always that safety net there - he's not yours and you have no obligation to carry on caring for him.
then, i think the big one, that moment when it hits you when you get home from the hospital when you realize your life will never be the same again. i will never just be you again, it will be you and baby. its hard to explain, but it feels like you've been winded and it does take a while to get your head around.
i hope i havent offended you
You havent offended me, however.
you are right I have no idea what pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum is like Ive seen people go through these things but never experienced it myself.
But thats not really what determines parenthood, you see, I haven't just been babysitting my nephew, I have been raising him, I have every obligation to carry on caring for him, I made the choice to care for him when no one else did, and I have never in this whole time even considered that I could just stop, I have taken this boy to the hospital with him having seizures, 5 days before christmas, not leaving his side the entire time, and you want to know what his "mother" was doing? about 8 hours after he was admitted she decided to go out of town with her boyfriend, because I had it under control?
Every piece of clothing that boy has, I have worked my butt off to get it for him, The majority of his toys, same thing, The milk he drinks every day? Auntie buys it, the food he eats, yep you guessed it.
Because I have no legal obligation to do the things I do for him, means nothing, You talk about unconditional love for the child, and if you spent an hour with him and I you would see that.
Taking care of a child makes you a babysitter, raising a child makes you a parent, I am the closest thing he has to a parent, and I take major pride in knowing that everything I do for him, is going to turn him into a man worth knowing.
The moment he was born is the single most memorable, important and life changing moment of my entire life, the day he came home, I never dreamed in a million years things would be how they are, I had never even considered it, very quickly without any guidance, knowledge, or warning I was thrown into parenting this little baby, I didnt get 40 weeks to prepare myself like a woman who is the biological mother, I didnt know anything about babys, not a thing, but you should know that I learned awfully quick!
I think it is very fair of me to say I know exactly what it is like to be a mother. To be a mother the hard way.
Having my own child will be a freaking walk in the park (not literally) compared to what I have gone through with Jase!!! But you know one thing I know forsure? If someone were to offer me millions of dollars to change any of it, I wouldnt do it, I cherish everything to do with him, the good times and the bad times, I love him as though I carried him for 40 weeks in my belly, and have birth to him, I love him in ways that are impossible to give words to. anywayyyyyyyys lol this turned into a big long rant, so im sorry lmao
i think what you've done for you nephew is amazing and i really hope that one day you will get to adopt him if thats what you all want
if someone took my baby away from me i wouldn't sleep until i got him back, i would be hysterical. i think that's the difference. trust me those 40 weeks, or 38 weeks in my case, doesn't make a difference, its still a big shock (understatement). i think just open your mind a bit, this whole 'i know what its like to be a mum already' and not accepting from people who already are mums, that in fact nobody knows until they become one, makes you seem a little immature in my eyes. i think you are extremely well prepared to become a mum and i wish you the best of luck, but that one point is bugging me x
And in a way, it scares me that if i DONT know how hard it is, then im not really sure how much more hard it can be, but at the same time, it might be easier, parenthood is not supposed to be so painful, but ive endured a lot of pain.
But it is human nature to go by what you know, and maybe I need to be more open to what people say! Its just so hard because what I do know seems like there cant be much more to it, dont get me wrong though, Anything that is different, I can not WAIT! to experience it I can not wait to learn new things, feel all the crappy and amazing parts of pregnancy, feel the completely awful pain of labor, be able to breastfeed my child (and I know this can be extremely painful in the beginning, and at times throughout). just everything, I feel like children are so amazing and so special, regardless of what temper tantrum they are throwing, regardless of the colic he or she might have, regardless of anything that may come my way, all of it is a blessing, and I believe from the bottom of my heart that I can handle anything that comes my way good or bad with this, and I also know that when things are bad, I may not feel as convinced, but at the end of the day I will always cherish everything!
You know what you are probably right, I think because I feel like I know what its like, and just know what I have experienced, and through talking to people who are mothers, they tell me what I feel is what they feel so I assume it must be that way, do you get what im saying cause im not sure that I just made sense lol!I can COMPLETELY understand where you come from.
I came from a very broken home - my mum and dad were together, then not, and my mum was diagnosed schizophrenic and I then went into foster care.
As a child of 10 I was looking after my family's babies, my friends sisters and brothers etc. When I was 12 I was regularly looking after a 1 year old, until I was 15. As in, Friday night to Sunday night.
I was then raped as a 14 year old - by my then boyfriend (I was a virgin at the time, and we hadn't been together long) and I fell pregnant. I found out at 15 weeks. He then found out my friend knew what he had done, and came round my house and confronted me. I was almost 24 weeks when he pushed me over and my daughter lost oxygen and died.
From then on, all I wanted was to be a mum, RIGHT THEN.
I then got my own flat at 16. I wanted to be a mum so bad! Then at 17 I'd been with my boyfriend for a year (he didn't live with me), and the first thing I thought? "I can come off my pill..."
Every time I was late, I did a pregnancy test, hoping and praying I was pregnant. I mean, I'd been thinking of this for YEARS - it's all I wanted. I had my own home, my own job, I paid for EVERYTHING myself (Even though in the UK, I could have had it all paid for for me as a care leaver)
Me and my boyfriend broke up, and I was devastated. I thought he was the one. I then swore off men and decided I would try to become a single mother.
I looked up sperm donors... etc. It looked hard, but I knew I could do it.
Then, purely by chance, I invited a guy I worked with over for pizza. He came round to watch a scary movie (he lived round the corner from me) and he stayed the night watching movies. The next day, he kissed me before leaving. My heart felt like it was going to BURST out of my chest.
We got together, and after a month, I told him how I felt, that I wanted a family and that I didn't want to wait till I was 25 etc... (I was 18 when I met him) and he said he doesn't either, but he wanted to become a manager in our workplace, and wanted us to live together first. 6 months later he moved in. We then decided to TTC. On our 1st anniversary I got my sticky positive, after 5 misscarriages. He then came home with a diamond ring and proposed.
9 months later my beautiful daughter was born. I was 20 years old.
She was the best, but the HARDEST thing to ever happen to me.
I am bi-polar, but controlled on medication. I had nights where she'd e fast asleep, and I'd be on my bathroom floor in tears - not because of bipolar... but because I had this little body that myself and my partner were responsible for. If she hurt herself, we'd be expected to fix it. As a teenager wanting a baby, that sounded like heaven. As a mum to a 3 month old with colic who cried for 5 days with only 1 hour breaks every so often? It was hell. I couldn't fix her. Without my partner, I wouldn't have gotten through it. We ended up not seeing each other because I'd stay up all night with her, and sleep on his days off of work so he had Amelia! My husband works from 6am-8pm, and gets home late, and works 6 days a week, sometimes 7, so I feel like a single mum sometimes, because when he DOES get home, he's tired, but I need those few hours he can take over, because otherwise I'd be dead to the world.
As much as your family is tight nit (so is my in law family) they won't ALWAYS be available to have your child for a few hours, or to be there when you need them RIGHT that second (because unfortunately, when something goes wrong, you have to fix it RIGHT THEN) and I know my in laws were supposed to be a big help - but they have their own lives and we hardly see them.
15 months after she was born, we got married in front of all of our family and friends. I was 21. And now, 3 months after that, we're TTC for our number 2.
So, to conclude - I DO know how you feel. I wanted Jessica more than I could have imagined wanting anything and losing her was heartbreaking. I was 14, and thought that I could handle anything. Now though, I know I couldn't have given her the life I wanted to.
I also look back at the times I thought I could just get pregnant with my boyfriend - and I realise how selfish I was for that. No matter how much I said to those who knew what I wanted "I will love that child, that's enough" and how I had an answer for everything, deep in my heart, I knew I wasn't doing the right thing. Love doesn't feed a child, and it doesn't fix a broken heart when they're being teased at school if someone finds out how they came to be.
NOW I look at my little girl, and my husband. I look at how her face lights up when he walks in the room. I listen to her and him having their "top secret conversations under the quilt" when I'm pretending to be asleep next to them. I watch him bath with her, and her fall asleep on him in the bath. THAT makes it all worth while.
So unfortunately, as someone who has gone through what you are feeling, and wanting, (although a lot of it was a lot younger than you are now, I was almost 19 when I got with my now husband) and failed to get what I wanted, but now have that in a stable marriage, where my partner is providing financially and I own my own business to contribute, I have to say that I cannot agree that you have thought this through.
I was self sufficient from 16 years old, and living in my own 2 bed flat. I was happy, healthy, and comfortable financially and I thought it through and through and through, but now, having had my little girl, I had NO idea. Just looking after a child that isn't yours doesn't compare.
You can ALWAYS give them back. I had to have my nephew whilst my brother went to work EVEN when I was sick as hell - or else my brother would have lost his house. Even that doesn't compare to the responsibility of having my own.
It's not your age, in the slightest, that I think makes you unprepared. I just don't think you realise JUST how hard it is, and that no matter how many twinges in your heart you get making you feel like it all has to be now - it doesn't. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a single mother - I know how it feels to think "God, I'd rather spend my life on my own!" because men have been more trouble than good, but it's something that needs to be thought through a lot longer, AND as a chosen single mother, you NEED to have a fair amount of money to do so. Savings etc. We made sure that we had £3000 to buy everything we needed for the child, and we make sure that her bank account has a minimum of £200 in it at any one time in case of emergencies, and obviously our money goes on her necessities. You say in previous posts that you don't work, and you've just said you've STARTED a job, so can I assume you don't have much saved for this? I can HONESTLY say that I've used my daughters "put aside" money when things have broken, or I've needed to take a taxi somewhere. It's best to have something behind you. Not EVERYONE does, but if you're choosing to become a parent, a SINGLE parent, you need to have a fall back.
The one thing I think that I REALLY disagree with what you've said, is you saying "I don't want to be an old mum" - uh, sorry, you're 20! You could wait 5 years and do this exact same thing then, and still be young! My brother in law is 25 and still lives at home, is coasting by having his mum cook for him, do his washing and pay for him to have his hair cut - yet we are still completely happy in the knowledge that he will one day move out and have his own family. We're certainly not looking at him and thinking "Wow, he's over the hill!" ;-)
Your messages on other posts contradict you completely. You say you were trying to "talk yourself out of it" or "on the fence" but the messages you have put on other posts are NOT that at all. You clearly come across as someone who really doesn't know what she wants - except that she wants a baby. I don't want you to feel that what you want is wrong in my eyes, because it truly isn't. I wanted it, and I know how hard that feeling tugs at you, but it is WORTH the wait. One day you might meet the man of your dreams, and you just don't know how important it might be to have HIS child. I even now, want another but KNOW that if me and my husband split for any reason, I wouldn't have more. I PERSONALLY (opinion ;-)) want my children to all be from my husband, and I want them to know him and see him ALL the time, whether we're together for the rest of our lives or not. That didn't seem important to me before, but it is now, and you never know HOW important till you go through it.
I'm sure I will probably get shot down for my long ass essay - and I truly don't mean to hurt your feelings, but as someone pointed out, that when you put this up you would have known what you'd get, support and opinions
All of the single mothers who did it, and have a fantastic child/adult to show for it, I take my hat off to you. You're all amazing! But how many of you can honestly say you wouldn't have done it differently, if you had the chance? How many of you would say that you would have CHOSEN to do it this way, if you had a choice?
I wanted that, and only NOW do I realise just how naive I was
Of course, when you have this baby, as I'm sure you will, because you seem to have made up your mind (good on you, because it is YOUR life) you will most likely manage to get through all the bad points that everyone has said. You'll probably manage on the money you have, and figure out a way to handle it all on your own, because you'll have to, but I just can't imagine wanting to have a child that way, if I knew I could do it without so much struggle.
When you fall pregnant, I will be the first to congratulate you, and offer you advice, and e-hugs, whether that be in January, or in 2015, but I honestly think that no matter how much you think you've thought this through, you CANNOT prepare yourself for a baby, no matter how much you try, and I certainly did not know how much I would come to depend on my husband, until that little girl was put into my arms. I think you need to tell your parents. You need to let them know what you want to do, so that the ones who WILL be with you, supporting you, helping you, can give their opinions, because mine, and all the others on here, don't matter at all because WE won't be with you.
Nothing any of us say will ever change your mind, but please just make sure you can support a child financially on your own, and not just "scrape by", because if that was all you could do, when you look at that child when you have no money for them to buy something simple, it'll break your heart that you chose that route.
Make sure you're ready to deal with everything emotionally. Yes, your family will probably be a fantastic support system, but unlike most willing fathers, they may just have enough one day and leave you to do it on your own. (I say unlike a willing father, because I know if my husband left, I'd still have family to fall back on. If my fall back was my first option, and they left, I'd be completely alone)
Make sure you have everything planned properly. Sit down with a financial advisor,m or if you have one, citizens advice, and find out your rights, and find out what you have as a fall back for if a disaster happens and you need help for anything (MOST employers won't give you maternity until you've been there a set amount of time)
Good luck with everything you do in your life, and when you are a mummy, whenever that may be, it will be the best, the scariest, the happiest, the hardest and the most natural thing you could ever do. I honestly do hope that everything works out great, that you are happy, fall pregnant next year, have a baby and have a wonderful life! I have no doubt that if you do have a baby soon, your baby will be well loved, wanted and cared for! xx
This is super long, so im going to do my best to touch base on everything mentioned but if i miss something I apologize.
first thing I need to clear up is the most important thing to me, my nephew!
I know that no one here would possibly be able to understand what I have gone through with him, no one here has seen it for the past two years so I dont expect anyone to be able to understand!
But that little boy has lived with me his entire life, except for the past 4 months, since the day he came home from the hospital he was in my care full time, his mother hadnt made a bottle for him, until he was 4 months old, she never once got up with him in the middle of the night, and while she was out galavanting around the city, I was at home with the teething baby who was inconsolable. He was with me the first time he sat, crawled, laughed, stood, walked, and talked. There were time where he would be crying and nothing would sooth him and I would just cry, It has been the most difficult two years of my life, but also the most amazing. I love him more than I have ever loved anything my entire life, when he says " I LOVE AUNTIEEEEEE" my heart melts over and over again, and everything I do I do to improve his life, and make sure he has everything he needs. I know what its like to be a mother. Trust me.
I am fine financially, I have worked since I was 16 and have always been smart about saving, the only reason I dont have a job here anymore is because I quit because I am moving, I do have savings, which I plan to keep right where it is until I have an emergency.
Me having a child now is not going to make things difficult for me, I mean emotionally of COURSE things get difficult!!!! Being a mom is harrrrrd work, but I feel prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that is to come! I just feel prepared for this, its truly the only thing I truly want, The only thing I dream of, the only thing that is constantly on my mind every single minute of every single day. I want this, I want this bad.
i applaud you for how you have stuck to your guns and stood up for yourself, but i feel like i need to say something here. i wont give my opinion on whether i think you are doing the right thing, because i dont think its needed, or helpful for you to know.
what i will say is, i think its naive to think you know what its like to be a mum before you become one. i know you have looked after your nephew a lot, but there's other things to having a baby rather then look after them all the time. the birth itself, recovery of the birth both emotionally and physically, baby blues and postnatal depression, if you are unfortunate enough to have it. then there is the responsibility of having a child - whether you look after your nephew all the time, you dont have that responsibility to make life changing decisions. the unconditional love that a mum feels for her baby. if everything goes wrong, there's always that safety net there - he's not yours and you have no obligation to carry on caring for him.
then, i think the big one, that moment when it hits you when you get home from the hospital when you realize your life will never be the same again. i will never just be you again, it will be you and baby. its hard to explain, but it feels like you've been winded and it does take a while to get your head around.
i hope i havent offended you
You havent offended me, however.
you are right I have no idea what pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum is like Ive seen people go through these things but never experienced it myself.
But thats not really what determines parenthood, you see, I haven't just been babysitting my nephew, I have been raising him, I have every obligation to carry on caring for him, I made the choice to care for him when no one else did, and I have never in this whole time even considered that I could just stop, I have taken this boy to the hospital with him having seizures, 5 days before christmas, not leaving his side the entire time, and you want to know what his "mother" was doing? about 8 hours after he was admitted she decided to go out of town with her boyfriend, because I had it under control?
Every piece of clothing that boy has, I have worked my butt off to get it for him, The majority of his toys, same thing, The milk he drinks every day? Auntie buys it, the food he eats, yep you guessed it.
Because I have no legal obligation to do the things I do for him, means nothing, You talk about unconditional love for the child, and if you spent an hour with him and I you would see that.
Taking care of a child makes you a babysitter, raising a child makes you a parent, I am the closest thing he has to a parent, and I take major pride in knowing that everything I do for him, is going to turn him into a man worth knowing.
The moment he was born is the single most memorable, important and life changing moment of my entire life, the day he came home, I never dreamed in a million years things would be how they are, I had never even considered it, very quickly without any guidance, knowledge, or warning I was thrown into parenting this little baby, I didnt get 40 weeks to prepare myself like a woman who is the biological mother, I didnt know anything about babys, not a thing, but you should know that I learned awfully quick!
I think it is very fair of me to say I know exactly what it is like to be a mother. To be a mother the hard way.
Having my own child will be a freaking walk in the park (not literally) compared to what I have gone through with Jase!!! But you know one thing I know forsure? If someone were to offer me millions of dollars to change any of it, I wouldnt do it, I cherish everything to do with him, the good times and the bad times, I love him as though I carried him for 40 weeks in my belly, and have birth to him, I love him in ways that are impossible to give words to. anywayyyyyyyys lol this turned into a big long rant, so im sorry lmao
i think what you've done for you nephew is amazing and i really hope that one day you will get to adopt him if thats what you all want
if someone took my baby away from me i wouldn't sleep until i got him back, i would be hysterical. i think that's the difference. trust me those 40 weeks, or 38 weeks in my case, doesn't make a difference, its still a big shock (understatement). i think just open your mind a bit, this whole 'i know what its like to be a mum already' and not accepting from people who already are mums, that in fact nobody knows until they become one, makes you seem a little immature in my eyes. i think you are extremely well prepared to become a mum and i wish you the best of luck, but that one point is bugging me x
And in a way, it scares me that if i DONT know how hard it is, then im not really sure how much more hard it can be, but at the same time, it might be easier, parenthood is not supposed to be so painful, but ive endured a lot of pain.
But it is human nature to go by what you know, and maybe I need to be more open to what people say! Its just so hard because what I do know seems like there cant be much more to it, dont get me wrong though, Anything that is different, I can not WAIT! to experience it I can not wait to learn new things, feel all the crappy and amazing parts of pregnancy, feel the completely awful pain of labor, be able to breastfeed my child (and I know this can be extremely painful in the beginning, and at times throughout). just everything, I feel like children are so amazing and so special, regardless of what temper tantrum they are throwing, regardless of the colic he or she might have, regardless of anything that may come my way, all of it is a blessing, and I believe from the bottom of my heart that I can handle anything that comes my way good or bad with this, and I also know that when things are bad, I may not feel as convinced, but at the end of the day I will always cherish everything!
i hope everything works out for you, i think you will be an amazing mum. good luck with everything and a few words of advice: enjoy your pregnancy!! i just wanted mine to be over so i could see little man, but now i miss it
I think you are wise for being so willing to think long and hard about this decision. I think you'd be a great mom! 
I saw in a few posts back that you are from Canada and said you will get maternity leave pay for one year. That is true, but I hope you do some research on this. You will not get full pay, you will only get 55% of it. Just wanted to shed some light in case you do go through with this... didnt want you to be surpised and be like, "Wheres all my money?!" LOL
Good luck in all that you do
How do Canadian universities work? Do you pay tuition? Will your work cover it or can you take out loans? You said it has the school has a daycare, will you be going to night school? Is the daycare open then too?
I saw in a few posts back that you are from Canada and said you will get maternity leave pay for one year. That is true, but I hope you do some research on this. You will not get full pay, you will only get 55% of it. Just wanted to shed some light in case you do go through with this... didnt want you to be surpised and be like, "Wheres all my money?!" LOL
Good luck in all that you do
Wow, I don't know anything regarding Canadian policies. How long do you have to be working at a company before you get this kind of half-pay leave? Is it immediate?
Also to the OP, will your job be during the day? Is it full-time? Who's going to watch your baby while you are at work? Will your take home pay be enough to cover rent, utilities, food, car, diapers, formula, clothing, daycare, etc? It's amazing how quickly things add up, isn't it?!!
I saw that you also plan to go to college, which I'm all for!
I'm just curious about the details, sounds like a lot of budgeting and planning! Good luck.
I saw in a few posts back that you are from Canada and said you will get maternity leave pay for one year. That is true, but I hope you do some research on this. You will not get full pay, you will only get 55% of it. Just wanted to shed some light in case you do go through with this... didnt want you to be surpised and be like, "Wheres all my money?!" LOL
Good luck in all that you do
Wow, I don't know anything regarding Canadian policies. How long do you have to be working at a company before you get this kind of half-pay leave? Is it immediate?
Also to the OP, will your job be during the day? Is it full-time? Who's going to watch your baby while you are at work? Will your take home pay be enough to cover rent, utilities, food, car, diapers, formula, clothing, daycare, etc? It's amazing how quickly things add up, isn't it?!!
I saw that you also plan to go to college, which I'm all for!
I'm just curious about the details, sounds like a lot of budgeting and planning! Good luck.
Yes it is a day job, and full time, I have tons of family in the town which I am moving to, more likely then not I would pay one of them to be the childs sitter while im at work, but I wont be working until the baby is closer to a year old though. The cost of rent is very affordable where I am headed, which is a bonus! But I will have no issue paying for what needs to be paid for, also formula will not be on that list unless for some reason I dont get any breast milk, I also plan to cloth diaper my child, just my own personal preference on those two things, I cant help but notice how you are maybe trying to shock me with the costs of things, however I have been buying all of those things for 2 years now, so I know the costs of these things.
As for school, Im unsure if the day care is open at night time, but thats most likely when I will be in class, but it wont be a big deal if it is not open because as I said before I can easily pay a family member to babysit.
I plan on taking out student loans to help with the cost of school, as the classes I am taking are about 400 a class and there are about 30 of them so its a bit expensive, but nothing I wont be able to handle.
will save you money in the long run, you can get them off places like ebay for cheaper too x
I saw in a few posts back that you are from Canada and said you will get maternity leave pay for one year. That is true, but I hope you do some research on this. You will not get full pay, you will only get 55% of it. Just wanted to shed some light in case you do go through with this... didnt want you to be surpised and be like, "Wheres all my money?!" LOL
Good luck in all that you do
Wow, I don't know anything regarding Canadian policies. How long do you have to be working at a company before you get this kind of half-pay leave? Is it immediate?
Also to the OP, will your job be during the day? Is it full-time? Who's going to watch your baby while you are at work? Will your take home pay be enough to cover rent, utilities, food, car, diapers, formula, clothing, daycare, etc? It's amazing how quickly things add up, isn't it?!!
I saw that you also plan to go to college, which I'm all for!
I'm just curious about the details, sounds like a lot of budgeting and planning! Good luck.
Yes it is a day job, and full time, I have tons of family in the town which I am moving to, more likely then not I would pay one of them to be the childs sitter while im at work, but I wont be working until the baby is closer to a year old though. The cost of rent is very affordable where I am headed, which is a bonus! But I will have no issue paying for what needs to be paid for, also formula will not be on that list unless for some reason I dont get any breast milk, I also plan to cloth diaper my child, just my own personal preference on those two things, I cant help but notice how you are maybe trying to shock me with the costs of things, however I have been buying all of those things for 2 years now, so I know the costs of these things.
As for school, Im unsure if the day care is open at night time, but thats most likely when I will be in class, but it wont be a big deal if it is not open because as I said before I can easily pay a family member to babysit.
I plan on taking out student loans to help with the cost of school, as the classes I am taking are about 400 a class and there are about 30 of them so its a bit expensive, but nothing I wont be able to handle.
i would possibly budget for formula too. im a student midwife, do extra breastfeeding training, was 100% sure i was going to breastfeed no matter what. i have flat nipples and couldnt get LO to latch on, no matter how hard we tried. it got to the point he would just scream when i tried, so i ended up expressing for 6 weeks until i dried up (electric breast pumps are expensive too!!), but yeah hes thriving on formula.
i think the cloth nappies are a good idea
I actually recently bout my cousin a double electric breast pump, and am considering just keeping it for myself, as breastfeeding is very important to me, and its not as important to her, so I doubt she will really use it! I love cloth diapers so much! They are so good for the environment, and better for babys bum! I have found some websites that are very reasonably priced! Im planning to start buying them right away so that I have a good supply of them already when baby is born 
growlmad:
