Sneaking back in...

[BelleNuit]

OPK was negative today, which is actually surprising to me. Last time I had a negative OPK at CD 11 was in the summer when I O'd 2 days later than normal.

I'm wondering if stress maybe delayed my ovulation considering the awful fight we had last night. In all likelihood I'll probably still O on CD 13, but might happen as late as Sunday or Monday. I've been temping the last couple days just to confirm my O date as I hate not knowing for sure during the TWW what to expect. We have so little control over this whole process. This gives me a little control back without going over the top with it all

I'm actually relieved that my OPK was negative tonight as DH and I are still fighting. He's terribly moody (weed withdrawal) and he's angry with me for yelling and losing my mind yesterday. I have no interest in BDing tonight anyway. And in my defense I've just reached my wits end. I can't take this anymore.

Wishn are you heading in for surgery tomorrow? I will be hoping for a positive outcome for you!

MK you've been on my mind a lot lately. I'm so sorry this IUI didn't work out, but I'm hoping the next one will be just the trick!

 

[WishnandHopn]

Well AF is here in full force today. I got a call from the surgeon early this morning to tell me my surgery is cancelled on Friday because they were too busy. I saw him this morning for more x-rays and he isn't sure that surgery is the best option for me, thinks i might get back most of my range of motion without it. So I'm trying to decide what to do...leaning towards not having surgery.

Belle, so sorry you had it out with your dh about weed (again). I guess it's a hard habit to break. Does he have any other outlet or way to relax instead of weed? I hope you guys can patch things up...probably good your opk isn't positive yet, it sucks to feel like you 'have to' BD when you're on the outs. Is make up sex a thing in your relationship? (It's definitely not in mine...if dh is upset he can't even get it up!)

 

[MKaykes]

Aw Belle, sorry to hear about the fight. Sounds like it is good you're still waiting on a positive OPK. Maybe you'll get a couple of days to cool down from the argument before O comes. Is it the fertility impact of the weed that bothers you the most about his using or overall? I get upset even when DH smokes a cigarette every now and then. Mostly because I can't stand the smell and I also don't understand why you would choose to do something that is so bad for you. I guess some could say the same about my sugar intake. Anyway, I worked with a girl in college who got pregnant. Her BF smoked a lot of weed and was in jail for a week or so, they had never used any sort of BC and she got pregnant that week after he was out since he hadn't smoked while he was in. Didn't get pregnant again until a couple years later, similar situation (though I don't think it was jail the second time...don't remember the specifics as she wasn't more than a coworker) she was just convinced the weed was why they hadn't had any whoopsies before...so totally valid that the weed could be impacting things! Even if he could maybe lay off for the first 2 weeks of your cycle until O? Or like Wishn said, find some other outlet (I'm sure you've had that conversation many a time). Or, how about scaring him with lung cancer? I just finished an assignment on lung cancer and had no idea of this, but weed deposits 4x the amount of tar in the lungs than tobacco!

Wishn - good luck with the surgery/no surgery stuff! When will they decide or has that pretty much already been decided? Either way, I'm sure you'll always have some lingering pain that will come and go (you'll be better than the weather man at predicting weather changes probably, lol!)

Going in for my first US of this cycle tomorrow, anxious to see what the plan is for this cycle and really hoping to increase my meds and maybe get 2 follicles this month or at least a bigger one! IUI #2 will probably be that week before Christmas so will have to suffer the TWW during Christmas and New Years! DH has already told his brothers/dad to never ask me again about if I'm pregnant so at least I won't have to deal with that (hopefully). I told my mom and sis about the IUI, so now I feel like I have to tell them I'm not pg, which I realized makes it even worse, so going forward I don't think I'll let them know when it is happening and just stick with the plan of I'll tell them when there is something to tell.

 

[BelleNuit]

Make up sex and angry sex definitely aren't a thing for us LOL, most of the time DH can't make it work and I hold a grudge and don't want to bother

That's great to hear that you may not need the surgery!

MK I'm not opposed to weed and actually enjoy it myself. However I quit it (like QUIT) 6 months ago when I realized how awful it is for fertility. DH was supposed to quit at the same time as me but has pretty much been lying to me this whole time about it. He very much is in denial about everything. That's what's so frustrating about it. If I can quit it why can't he.

I think your plan of not telling people when you're getting an IUI makes sense. Now they know you are pursuing those options, but they don't need to know all the details. I'm hopeful you'll get bigger and better eggs this cycle!!

 

[WishnandHopn]

Happy weekend ladies!

MK good luck with your scan today. I hope they can up your meds and get you some more follies this cycle! How much time did you have between trigger and IUI last time? 36 hours? Do you have an option of doing 2 per cycle? One 24 hours post trigger and one 48? I think if we do assisted conception we won't tell anyone. I can hardly deal with my own high expectations and disappointment, I don't need anyone else's.

Belle I stalked your chart...your timing looks great this cycle if you O today! Glad you got back on the BD train...fighting with your mate sucks. Hope this is your month...what a wonderful Christmas gift a BFP would be!

AFM, the crappy thing is that it's entirely up to me to decide if I want to have the surgery. I called his office and said I don't want to do it Monday, I have so many questions and need to find out what I am supposed to do if I don't do surgery, how much I should be moving it, when to have another X-ray, when to start physio. I am typing with two hands right now, yay me! One good thing about not having surgery is that we will be able to try this cycle. I am hoping to O before Christmas so that we aren't trying to quietly BD at my parents house. Come on body, work with me here!

 

[BelleNuit]

Do let us know how your scan looks MK!

Wishn it's hard to make a decision like that when you don't have all thr information. If it were me I wouldn't be inclined to sign up for a surgery if I didn't 100% need it

AF is due Christmas Eve, so it would be a nice Christmas present. But I am by no means getting my hopes up. I really do feel like DH ruined our chances this month. Which is funny as he started yelling at me that I wasn't going to ruin his chances by drinking too much! I had one glass of wine!!! Ugh. We BD despite it all and the only was I was able to get through it was that O makes me super "interested". It just can't be ignored.

So I guess we'll see what happens. I've checked out though.

 

[MKaykes]

Belle - I hope you and DH have smoothed things out. Ooh how great it would be to get a Christmas that would make me so happy for you!!

Wishn - In some ways it sucks that you are in the driver's seat with your surgery, on the other hand it is great to have control of your healthcare decisions. You sound like you've got the right idea about figuring out what each decision would entail. I assume you only have a certain window of time to have the surgery done?

I had my CD3 ultrasound yesterday. No cysts, so I was good to go to start the letrazole again. I was disappointed that they didn't increase the dose though. The nurse seemed surprised by it but didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I go back in a week for CD13 when we'll decide when to trigger and schedule the IUI (I triggered CD13 last month). I've been wanting DH to have his thyroid tested as his family has a history of hypothyroidism, and I would hate for that to be complicating our infertility issues. I've been asking him for about 6 months to go in, and told him I didn't want to spend another $1000 on IUI without getting that checked out, so we had a bit of an argument about it because DH "hates" going to the doctor. I laid the guilt trip on him about how many times I've been to the doctor in the last 6 months and how although he is supportive he has taken no initiative through any of this. So, he's going in tomorrow. I felt a little bad when he explained a little more about why he is hesitant. He said he's always afraid they'll find out he has some bad disease. His mom was diagnosed with a sever liver disease in her early 30s and died 3 years ago, so, I get it. But he still has to go. I'd rather know he has something so we can deal with it!

 

[WishnandHopn]

MK, glad the scan went well! I guess that since you did ovulate on that dose, they wouldn't want to up it unnecessarily. Did you have any femara side effects? I hope this cycle goes well! I've never heard of thyroid issues affecting male fertility. Does he have any other hypothyroid symptoms?

Belle, sorry you're feeling out for this cycle already. I guess it could take a bit of the pressure off the tww if your hopes aren't up too high. I certainly wouldn't feel bad about that glass of wine! Your timing looks good though...fx for a Christmas surprise.

I just realized I'm less than 2 weeks away from when I stopped birth control last December 21. Awesome milestone. Ugh. Not sure if I mentioned that I made an appt to sign the IUI consent forms on Jan 19. So anytime after that, we can just call on CD1 and start an IUI cycle with injectibles. I'm scared sh!tless.

I read a good book this weekend "The Art of Waiting" about (of course) infertility. It was thought provoking and a little sad in parts. She put into words some things that I've been feeling and couldn't articulate. I also borrowed The Fertility Diet and Coming to Term from the library.

 

[BelleNuit]

I've heard that sometimes fertility drugs can have cumulative residual effects. So maybe thats why they didn't increase the dose? It sounded like you responded well to the last dosage! Great job in getting DH to go and get tested. Men have it so easy with all of this, I feel like its the least they could do to get some basic testing done!

So no temp rise yet so I think today will be my O day (CD 14). The last several cycles I have O'd 2 days after the positive OPK, and this cycle seems to be following that same pattern.

Unfortunately things have NOT been getting better with DH. Friday night he was all "don't drink Belle it will ruin our chances this month, you're always doing things to ruin our chances." So I don't drink. Saturday night we're at a party and he sneaks outside to smoke a bunch of weed while I'm in the bathroom. Fucking hypocrite.

I am SO unbelievably angry with him. And then he says garbage like its my fault we haven't conceived because I'm depressed and angry with him. As if my EMOTIONS COULD KILL A BABY.

He took the dog to go visit his parents today. PERFECT. I had a nap on the couch with the cat and it was the best afternoon I've had in a long time. I am so sick and tired of his sorry ass excuses. He has been lying to me about quitting weed since JUNE and doesn't see the problem with it "Oh I just didn't want you to worry Belle because clearly its your emotions that are the problem." "I smoke because of you Belle, to tolerate you, because you're always angry with me." (Which is a FRICKEN LIE. I'm only angry with him when he does something stupid).

I find him so repulsive right now. We actually didn't BD today. No way could I have gone through with it. I just had him "finish" in a softcup. This might be the way of the future, just forget BDing altogether ARGHGHGH I almost look forward to AF arriving Christmas day so that I can shove it in his face "told you so"

 

[BelleNuit]

I might have to give that book a read "art of waiting"

I'm sorry you hit your 1 year milestone Wishn. I'm sorry for all of us here

 

[WishnandHopn]

Belle I'm so sorry things are still bad with DH. Marriage is hard enough without throwing TTC and infertility on the heap. Do you think it would help at all to take a TTC break, even just a month? I hope you two can find your way back to each other because I think you both do really want the same thing.

The book was good, I recommend it.

 

[BelleNuit]

I don't know what we're going to do Wishn. Part of me thinks taking a break would be good, but part of me doesn't want to do that either.

I just feel really alone with all of this

 

[BelleNuit]

Hmm CD 15 and still no temp shift despite the pos OPK on CD 12. What is my body doing???

 

[WishnandHopn]

Hmm that is weird...is there any chance the room was colder or you were mouth breathing? When I was temping I had a few cycles where my rise seemed to lag quite a few days after the pos opk...and then AF would show up 'early' and I would know that I O'd earlier than my temps showed. So it's totally possible you O'd already...then again I read somewhere that you can O up to 5 days after the LH surge. I would like to say keep BDing just in case...but I know DH is not your fave person right now.

We finally were able to BD last night! It's been WEEKS...like I'm CD5 and our last successful BD was the day of my pos OPK last cycle. I'm so glad he's on board...I had prepared a little 'at home insemination' kit by sterilizing a jar and a syringe. We may not have to use it if last night is any indication

 

[BelleNuit]

My mouth was open CD 11 where i had that large temp drop but its been okay all the other days. I've had other cycles where my temp started to rise before my O day.... so maybe thats what's happening, but because all the other days are missing temps you just can't see the pattern. I dunno, thanks for that tidbit that sometimes you end up Oing much later after the pos OPK and that its possible that I've O'd already. Grr, my whole point for temping this week was that I didn't want to wonder what my O day was during the TWW, LOL, and I'm no further ahead!

I dunno, in some ways I wish I hadn't temped this cycle because then I wouldn't be worrying about it.... BUT if I really did O that much later after my OPK we definitely would have missed our most fertile days this cycle. We'll BD again just to be on the safe side. DH and I have reached an agreed "lets not talk about it" point. I think we are both just so exhausted from fighting that we have no energy left anymore for it.

So glad to hear that you and DH are back on board for BDing!! Woo hoo!! What did you end up deciding with your elbow surgery? Are you in less pain these days?

 

[WishnandHopn]

I totally know what you mean, a confusing bbt chart is worse than no chart at all!!

Maybe not talking about it is a good thing. It can really take over all your thoughts and then of course your conversations! I was watching a video about getting through the holidays (posted on the I want to punch Christmas in the face thread), and it was talking about taking a holiday from talking about it, or just saying ok, this defined time once a week for x amount of time is when we discuss fertility stuff. I dunno if that would work for you...I kind of like it. I think we might do that on CD1 going forward. Sit down, talk about the plan for the cycle, I can nag about vitamins, tell him my expectations that we will BD every other day from day x to y, make a note of any appointments, etc. And then that's it. I won't tell him about my poas results until I get either a positive opk or hpt!

I have an appt with the surgeon this morning so I should have a clearer idea of whether surgery is really needed after he examines me and I ask a million questions. I'm not in as much pain and I'm sleeping better, but my range of motion is still not great.

 

[BelleNuit]

That sounds like a great plan Wishn (taking a holiday from talking about it). DH and I already barely talk about it as it is, so I think that's why he has had his head in the sand. I tell him the important stuff, but otherwise he doesnt want to talk about it.

If you still have tendon/ligament issues it would make sense that your ROM isn't fully back to normal. You would definitely need physio to help with that!

Well I got the clear temp rise I was looking for! So it's possible I didn't O until yesterday. We would have totally missed our most fertile days if we had relied on OPKs. I think I'm going to switch from the digital OPKs to the standard ones. I think the digitals are giving me an earlier result for the LH surge. My fertility clinic actually said that you shoukdnt use digital OPKs when doing IUIs and I think it's for this reason.

 

[WishnandHopn]

Ah Belle seeing your temp shift almost makes me want to start temping again! Something so satisfying about a confirmed O...

So the verdict is no surgery, work on range of motion, start physio after Christmas. Looking forward to getting back to normal. I even went to the gym tonight for the first time in 3 weeks! I found out via facebook today that a friend is expecting her third...quite surprising since I was sure they were stopping at 2. Pre-TTC me would have called her immediately and been like, what?! You convinced him to try for a girl?! Nice! But sad and bitter me is having trouble feeling happy or excited for anyone else. I just want one!!!

 

[MKaykes]

Hi ladies - sorry I've been MIA for a few days. Studying for finals, all done now! Just a couple assignments to get in but not worried about those. Really happy for a month break then one more semester to go!

Dealing with the frigid cold here! Assuming my conversion is correct we are about -15 C in addition to a pretty frigid windchill (and today is warmer than yesterday!). That whole concept of Chinese medicine with being warm is challenging, I don't know how I can stay warm with these temperatures! I work from home in our lower level and even with a blanket and slippers I'm always cold! My heated mattress pad is my favorite thing these days! Our furnace is almost 40 years old, so it isn't the most efficient, but we are just hoping we can make it through this winter.

DH checked out pretty good. Labs were all good (within normal limits anyways, I still want details on his thyroid test since the range is pretty wide). But, during the so fun testicle exam, a few cysts were found so he is going back for an ultrasound of his testicle. I think any issues from this would have shown up in the SA so I'm not too worried. They just want to be safe to rule out testicular cancer. DH says he isn't concerned, I hope he isn't, it would be easy to be. He has some uncles with cancer, but none were testicular, and he this was the testicle that he had surgery on when he was 5 as it hadn't dropped, so I'm sure it is more related to that.

Monday is coming up quickly for our next scan and likely the day for trigger followed by IUI on Tuesday! It's been nice to not be rushed on prescriptions this month, Ovidrel is already on its way instead of panicking 2 days before trying to get it ordered and covered. Insurance covered all my prescriptions so just a copay on those, and a couple labs and office visits, so we'll have a credit with the clinic to apply towards this month since we paid in full last cycle...money is getting tight. We are so trying to not live off credit, which is hard with me being in school and not working full time. Ugh, it just makes me so angry that we even have to worry about finances when it comes to getting pregnant, why us??!!

 

[WishnandHopn]

MK woohoo congrats on exams being done! That was always such a good feeling. Enjoy your holiday break. It's about that cold here too, supposed to go down to -30C with the windchill tonight! Brrr! I hope DH's testicle issue turns out to be nothing. Like you said, at least it hasn't affected his sperm numbers. Glad your insurance is mostly covering this cycle! I guess you're lucky you do have some coverage, but yeah making a baby is supposed to be FUN and FREE. I guess it is for some people! We're just not that lucky.

I'm CD8 today so I should start doing opks and BDing every other day any day now. I should be excited when the fertile window approaches...but at this point I'm just exhausted. That IUI option looks more and more appealing...