So scared I can't do this...

[spunky84]

I know this is just fear speaking, but I'm honestly terrified I won't be able to do this, and that I'll be a horrible with mother with having a second child in the mix.

I just started nursing school in September. I quit my job to do this, so we're only on 1 income. Apparently birth control failed, and holy crap bfp January 5th. The only things that gave me the idea that something was up was 1) started crying at lunch out of the blue (not normal) 2) Knew I was supposed to be starting within a few days only to realize that I was supposed to start that day (and my cycles were getting shorter, not longer), and 3) I did a cervical position check as it usually gets very low right before I'm supposed to start and it was up high and closed.

If I hadn't put those things together, I wouldn't have tested as soon as I did. DH freaked out at first, but accepted it and was happy about it within an hour.

Being in nursing school, I'm going to be 9 months pregnant in clinicals. I don't get a maternity leave. Unless I drop out which I'd have to re-enroll a year later (right as I'm supposed to graduation) which is unacceptable (unless absolutely necessary for health reasons) as we can't afford for me to do that. So I give birth, either VBAC or repeat section, and get right back to class and clinicals.

I feel horrible enough as it is because DD is in daycare during the day so I can study and do homework. I only get to really see her Friday evenings and weekends, and next month our time will be even more limited (as my Saturdays will be taken up in clinicals and the rest of my weekend will be doing homework and clinical assignments). My heart's already breaking at the thought of having to do this with our newborn, too (well after 6 weeks - we just have to work it out until then).

Not only do I feel like I'm abandoning DD, I already feel like I'm abandoning this baby. Like he or she isn't going to bond well with me because he/she is in daycare so much or I'm not home.

And what's just really dragging me down is that every time DH and I turn around, something else is wrong. Ever since the start of the year, everything has just been going horribly wrong, one right after another. We took the pregnancy as a positive thing, but then there was so much worry with all the spotting/clots/inconclusive scan. We had several issues with our insurance (you're termed, you're covered, no you're termed, no you're covered). Dealing with the insurance has been one giant headache.

Then there's been illnesses. And DH's job is an absolute nightmare (his aunt's the owner and she's a nightmare). He's been searching for a new job for a very long time without luck. The stress of his job is so bad that he's probably going to have a heart attack by 40 if he doesn't get out of there.

I just feel like we can't catch a break. Classes are getting harder, more stressful. Which I expect. I can handle the difficult classes and even the illnesses and stuff at home, but I just cannot handle it with everything else that's been dumped on us, that keeps getting dumped on us.

I just need a break from it all, and there's just no escaping it. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm scared of what the stress is doing to the baby, and if all this stress and crap just keep piling up, how are we going to do everything once the baby is born?

I'm terrified. I'm terrified I can't hold it together. If I can't hold it together now, how am I going to hold it together when the baby is born? Is this baby not going to bond with me because of my demanding schedule? Are they going to grow up and resent me or hate me even though I'm doing this so that my family can have a better life (besides it being something I've wanted to do for almost 20 years)?

 

[orionfox]

This is what i have to say: god only gives us what we can handle. That being said this was obviously meant to be. There will be times where you are not prepared for such a large task, however we ALWAYS find a way. Trust me in this day and age your child is not the only one in this type of situation. Tons of children are in daycare all day because parents HAVE to work. The economy just doesnt allow for parents to not work unless you just happen to be able to afford it which isnt often. Your children will never resent you over it. All the kids at my work at the daycare still LOVE their parents even though they are there every day all day long. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You will find a way to make it work out

 

[JennH.RN]

Let me start off by saying nursing school alone is enough stress. Your given no slack. But you need to take one step at a time. One day at a time. I am in school to finish my bachelor degree online and I have no idea how I should schedule classes for summer and fall. I have to have my BSN complete by a certain date for work. I had a friend who was pregnant in school and she took two weeks off after the birth and then came back so she didn't have to skip a year. That's another thing, you can't just skip a semester you have to skip a whole year. Everything will work out. I am terrified of having to be put on bedrest for a extended period of time due to my previous pregnancy where I went into labor at 25 weeks. I am the main source of income. I feel like my anxiety is through the roof, but worrying won't change anything. Oh that reminds me another girl in my class was pregnant and they let her take a summer nursing class usually only offered to LPN To RN transition students so she could take the fall off and return in the spring. They she atill was on track to graduate. Hope this helps!!

 

[spunky84]

This is what i have to say: god only gives us what we can handle. That being said this was obviously meant to be. There will be times where you are not prepared for such a large task, however we ALWAYS find a way. Trust me in this day and age your child is not the only one in this type of situation. Tons of children are in daycare all day because parents HAVE to work. The economy just doesnt allow for parents to not work unless you just happen to be able to afford it which isnt often. Your children will never resent you over it. All the kids at my work at the daycare still LOVE their parents even though they are there every day all day long. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You will find a way to make it work out

I've been trying to tell myself this. I keep trying to say that life is preparing us for what's to come, and if we can handle this, we can handle a newborn in the fall on top of everything else.

DD has been going to daycare since she was 8 weeks old, so I guess it's not so much about her being in daycare as it is that Mon - Thurs I see her for about half an hour a day since my classes are at night. I leave before she's home and she's in bed before I'm home.

I have Friday nights and weekends with her, to an extent. My Friday nights will be changing March or April in that I have to go to our clinical site in the evening to gather my patient information, come home and complete everything by clinicals the next morning. Then clinical days are usually Saturdays with 8+ hours, then clinical assignments and other class assignments when we get home.

It kills me not seeing her. Which I knew that this was part of it. I feel like I'm abandoning her and she thinks I don't love her or that I care more about school than her (which definitely isn't the case - she was the main motivation to get me to find the courage to do this). But with her, I at least had the first year of her life seeing her tons.

With this new one, at 6 weeks he/she will have to go to daycare on a similar schedule, and I just know I'm going to miss this baby's entire first year of life. I know he/she won't remember, but it scares me.

One of the nursing instructors told those of us that have kids that it's really hard, but it's so worth it in the end. I'm trying to remind myself of that too.

I keep telling DH that I feel like we're being punished for me making the decision to go back to school. Not the pregnancy, but everything else that keeps happening. He says I'm being silly, but it's like the more things keep happening, the more I feel like I should have just sucked it up and stayed put. I could have always gone back to school when we were done having kids and they were in school.

But you're right that we're not given more than we can handle. I guess it's just finding the energy to keep going and just hope that things look up soon!

Let me start off by saying nursing school alone is enough stress. Your given no slack. But you need to take one step at a time. One day at a time. I am in school to finish my bachelor degree online and I have no idea how I should schedule classes for summer and fall. I have to have my BSN complete by a certain date for work. I had a friend who was pregnant in school and she took two weeks off after the birth and then came back so she didn't have to skip a year. That's another thing, you can't just skip a semester you have to skip a whole year. Everything will work out. I am terrified of having to be put on bedrest for a extended period of time due to my previous pregnancy where I went into labor at 25 weeks. I am the main source of income. I feel like my anxiety is through the roof, but worrying won't change anything. Oh that reminds me another girl in my class was pregnant and they let her take a summer nursing class usually only offered to LPN To RN transition students so she could take the fall off and return in the spring. They she atill was on track to graduate. Hope this helps!!

My midwife was so sympathetic when I told her that I had just started nursing school in the fall, but she was so encouraging and supportive. It really helps knowing that others have done it and are doing it.

I've actually joked with DH that if things ever ease up, school will be a piece of cake!

Surprisingly I've still kept my grades up this semester as well as I would have done without being pregnant. That's the one thing that gives me hope considering everything that had gone on during that time. The only way we ever imagined getting pregnant during nursing school was the second to last semester so I could give birth after graduation, but before getting a job.

That's great that your friend had an option that allowed her to have a little time off afterwards!

I hope you're able to get your summer and fall classes situated! But you're right that worrying isn't going to change anything. When does your BSN have to be completed?

 

[orionfox]

Yeah its always hard in the beginning and you do end up feeling bad. But think of how much more you will be able to do with your family once this is done. I remember it was hard for us kids for a bit when mom went back to school. But she always found a way and so did we. Your girl may find it hard to understand why you dont spend much time with her, but she will eventually understand why. Dont beat yourself up over it too much. You are being a good parent and supporting your family by getting a good education. So many families dont. In the end your family is only going to get stronger.

 

[oneill614]

It will be really hard to be away from your young children so many hours out of the week. But I think rather than focusing on how they will feel when they are newborn to 4 years, you should focus on how they will think of you when they are reflecting on you as a parent overall, when they are old enough to think that way.

I think that when your children are 10 to adult age, they will look at you as extremely self-sacrificing and caring. They will see that because you went to school and worked so hard, you were able to afford a better life for them and give them more opportunities. Try to think of how grateful and appreciative they will be later on (hopefully)!

 

[CrazyMumma]

First off - big hugs!!

It sounds like you have a huge amount on your plate right now - try and stay positive

Studying while pregnant and having a newborn is difficult - but not unmanageable. Forgive my ignorance here - I am not sure how it all works over seas - but is your partner able to be a stay at home dad while baby is young? It may help the way you feel to know that the baby is at home with a parent?

I have just today received my course books for my psychology course - had no idea we were pregnant when I signed up for that! So now I am in the position of looking after DD4.5, trying to fit in my fulltime study and cope with pregnancy and make sure hubby is ok in his new (very demanding) job, as well as taking care of the house. Its rather scary!

Is it possible to change your study plans and take the course over a longer period? Doing fewer papers at a time to help lessen the load on you?