step parents support thread

[netty]

Hi everyone.

I thought i would start a thread for a step parent support thread,
There are alot of us on here in this situation.

I thought it would be a good idea just to have somewhere to discuss the highs and lows of it all.

I have a 9 year old son from a previous marriage. A 2 year old from ths marriage and a 12 year old step daughter.

Hope I have some people to chat to soon

 

[tallybee]

Hi netty, thanks for kicking off this thread! Much needed IMO. I think it may be helpful to link to this thread from others when needed

I have DS7 and DD5, OH has DS14 and DS10 from previous relationships. Mine live with us, his do not. We were TTC our own together but have put that on hold for the time being due to the extreme stress of things in our lives at the moment - a big part of which is his shit of an ex.

In my experience of 'step parenting' (OH and I cannot get married because his shit of an 'ex' refuses to divorce him until she gets all the money, leaving us in severe debt) it's the ex that is the issue; any problems the kids have pale in insignificance compared to the twisted, malicious stream of evil that come from the ex. I find that incredibly difficult to comprehend, given that although she's trying to hurt us (OH and I), we are grown-ups and can place her crap in a box and bury it. The real victims in it all are the children, although her cries of 'but the children!!' are all too common when she doesn't get her way.

All this stuff really does slaughter my faith in humanity's decency; after all the adults should be old enough to know better. It's made us almost split up more than once.

Having said all this... the actual children are great. If that woman ever gets her clutches loosened, and we actually get to see the boys she uses as meal tickets, then happy will be the day! I can deal with their ludicrously picky eating etc etc, just not their mother

I'd love to hear some happier stories of step parenting, as mine have been dogged by the blackness of the bitter ex.

xx

 

[babe2ooo]

Hi i'm laura and i have a step son called callum who is 10 and lives with us. I also have my own son jack whos nearly 3, i find it very hard being a step parent sometimes, like where the line is and how much i should do. i was 18 when i first stared to be a step parent and it was very hard at the start cause i didnt have my own and i didnt really know how to handle it. Its something you have to work at all the time

 

[netty]

:wave:

hiya

Glad i have someone to talk to
I will update properly when i have the boys in bed.

I have to say I am a bit concerned about saying too much as I am worried people not in our situation will come and say something that will cause controversy! That is not what I intend at all.

look forward to chatting

 

[Ellie130891]

finally!!! a place where we can go to compare notes have a moan and NOT get judged by none step parents!!! fantastic idea and i know il be using this thing a LOT so lets make it a sticky thread and get it at the top of the forums for other step moms! xxx

 

[netty]

I am 38 and I have a 2 year old with my current husband.
I have a 9 year old boy from a previous marriage.
My husband has a 12 year old from hs previous marriage.

My husbands ex wife was very bitter and nasty when we got together (even though they had been seperated a few months). She took him to the cleaners financially in the divorce settlement.

My ex husband was very controlling and selfish which was why I left him.

The problems we still hav 4 years on is that

my sd mum spends stack loads of money on my sd every week. All she needs to do is see an advert on telly nd she likes it and it is there waiting for her when she comes home from her weekend with us! She takes her to disneyland every year and basically has no backbone to discipline her at all

my ex - basically is reducing his contact with ashley - he only lives 5 mins away and only has him every other weekend and 1 evening a week for tea from 530 - 730.
He is ruled by his new partner who obviously does not like ash being there for longer than 2 days at a time. His dad does not spend any money on him at all, doesnt take him on holiday or go anywhere with him at all. They could financially afford it but choose not to

Those problems are bad enough but when you put the kids together we have one spolit princess and one child who gives what i can provide and he does fine but i still wonder what he must think.

We treat all our 3 children the same under our roof but I cannot discipline my sd at all as it would cause problems and my dh is worried his daughter wont come if we do discipline her
Then i feel as though it would be different rules 2 days a fortnight and a 9 year old boy needs consistency!! he can really be quite hyper at times so i need to keep on top of his behaviour.

I hope that makes sense for now.

 

[netty]

Hi netty, thanks for kicking off this thread! Much needed IMO. I think it may be helpful to link to this thread from others when needed

I have DS7 and DD5, OH has DS14 and DS10 from previous relationships. Mine live with us, his do not. We were TTC our own together but have put that on hold for the time being due to the extreme stress of things in our lives at the moment - a big part of which is his shit of an ex.

In my experience of 'step parenting' (OH and I cannot get married because his shit of an 'ex' refuses to divorce him until she gets all the money, leaving us in severe debt) it's the ex that is the issue; any problems the kids have pale in insignificance compared to the twisted, malicious stream of evil that come from the ex. I find that incredibly difficult to comprehend, given that although she's trying to hurt us (OH and I), we are grown-ups and can place her crap in a box and bury it. The real victims in it all are the children, although her cries of 'but the children!!' are all too common when she doesn't get her way.

All this stuff really does slaughter my faith in humanity's decency; after all the adults should be old enough to know better. It's made us almost split up more than once.

Having said all this... the actual children are great. If that woman ever gets her clutches loosened, and we actually get to see the boys she uses as meal tickets, then happy will be the day! I can deal with their ludicrously picky eating etc etc, just not their mother

I'd love to hear some happier stories of step parenting, as mine have been dogged by the blackness of the bitter ex.

xx

i am afraid ours is the same

 

[rjsmam]

Hello all,

What a great thread,thank you for starting it Netty. Being a step parent is so tough - really pleased to have people in the same boat to chat to.

Sorry to hear your experiences are also hard going, sounds like we all have similar challenges!

I have an 8yr old son and almost 10yr old step son who we have every wk end and holidays (still don't understand a mother who never wants her child during any wk ends - but suits us!). The challenges for me are dealing with step son when he can be so different from my own son. He's always wanting entertained and expects us to jump through hoops every wk end. His mother had a go at us for having long lie occasionally because she thinks he should be entertained.... um.. you try it then!!! Argh. Rant alert!! Don't get me wrong i do love him, but it's hard work.

My own son's father died unexpectedly when he was just 2, and prior to this ds had been seriously unwell. I met my husband when ds was 4 and we married last yr. So i guess i'm guilty of over protecting my ds too - which can spark arguments with oh. It is getting easier and we are hoping to ttc soon, we're hoping that will gel us together even more.

Ax

 

[netty]

rjsmam - I know what it is like to be dictated to - what you can and cant do by the ex -and it totally pee's me off!!!

It does also put a strain on your relationship doesn't it?

 

[rjsmam]

rjsmam - I know what it is like to be dictated to - what you can and cant do by the ex -and it totally pee's me off!!!

It does also put a strain on your relationship doesn't it?

gawd yeah!!! wow we've had some humdingers..... always misguided but none the less it causes so much pressure.. and then there's the resentment on all sides.. the step child cos you're not a parent.. the other half cos you're disciplining.. the step parent/step child cos you cant understand how your partner could have a child with their mother... and so on and so on!!!

 

[djw47]

My situation is different but I'm not sure where I belong or where I can get advice....I'm not a step parent, my husband is to my daughter. I had her in my teens and met my husband when my daughter was 2. My ex was not as involved in her life back then as he is now, but my husband has been there through it all. He gets very annoyed when my daughter's father is rude or doesn't want to have Alyssa on his days, but while my husband is seemingly protective in that way, he NEVER shows affection towards my daughter. He will tell anyone he meets he has a daughter and a son (our son together) but he doesn't ever tell her he's proud of her for anything or tell her she looks pretty or how much he loves her. That's hard for me because then he will turn around and punish every little thing she does (no exaggeration here, she is punished in one way or another more than once a day by him). He does not let me have a say in deciding what is a punishble offense and how severe the punishment should be. When I disagree with him, I try to wait until she is in bed or in her room and discuss it with him, but he doesn't want to hear any of it because he thinks I was too easy on her from day 1 and that's why she doesn't obey every single rule all day every day. That's why she sometimes cries or stomps off when she doesn't get her way. I do NOT approve of her throwing fits when she's upset and if she does so then I will step in and dish my own punishment because she is 8 and should learn to control her temper, however, her and I both feel like she can never do anything right. She is never rewarded for good behavior, there is never a single thing left unpunished. The story is so much longer and more detailed but this thread isn't just about me. I was just wondering if this is the right place to get advice or if there is somewhere else I should be. I just don't know if I'm being too hard on him or if he needs to try to relax a little. We fight about it a lot but mostly he won't hear anything I have to say and I get upset and cry and think about leaving because I want to be somewhere where my daughter is loved. Not where I have to wonder.

 

[rjsmam]

djw - i really feel for you - that's really tough

we experience a bit of that on both sides, one of the step parents thinking the other is too lenient/tough on occasions, and it does cause arguments and 'side taking'... i am always accused of mollycoddling my boy... however there is no lack of affection - thats the hardest thing to read about your situation

have you tried talking to him about the affection thing & pointing out that you and lo are making an effort so perhaps he could too? his lack of affection makes him seem like a tyrant (sorry!). do you have any other little ones - does he treat them the same?

xx

 

[CLH_X3]

Djw - does he treat both children the same ?

Just thought I'd step in and say hi ... I have a step daughter who's 3 next month, I have been with my OH since before she was born! But that's another story! Were currently expecting our own lil baby girl still haven't told the his ex yet and don't plan to unless she don't find out before the babys born!

I do discipline my step daughter like she is my own, my oh has never told me off for me telling her off, I think he sees it as if he wants me to treat her like she's my own when she's here then that includes discipline .

Il just add us and the ex do not get on at all, they only chat about the step daughter and usually when the ex wants something like more money/new clothes or to swap a night we woul hav her so she can go out on the town

 

[netty]

djw47 you are more then welcome to join us
That must be very hard for you - there is some element of that with my son and new husband!

It is so hard and certainly causes arguments between us.

 

[netty]

welcome too clh_x3 :waves:

 

[tallybee]

Hi all! Great to see this thread really get going!

The whole thing is just so tough... I can identify with pretty much everything that's been said so far...

I just keep hoping that things will get easier with time, but then a stinker of a situation will come up that puts us way back. What else can we do but our best though?

xx

 

[LeeBee]

Great thread! I'll throw mine in too.

I've got a 13 year old step daughter, a 19 month old son, and another boy on the way. Step parenting can be.... difficult to say the least! My step daughter is very spoiled and very attention seeking. I blame DH for that though, because he constantly baby's her. Not to only say bad things- she's a really great kid and I love her to death- but there are definitely days when I wish I wasn't a step parent. Is that awful to say? It's just that, as step parents, we're expected to treat our SO's children like our own, but pretty much have no say in how their raised. Well, that may be a bit of an exageration, but you get what I mean

It's also hard because I'm a bit younger than her dad. SD and I only have about 12 years difference between us (which made me the talk of the soccer field, LOL).

I've definitely gone through the jealousy thing. Not so much anymore, but at the beginning for sure! From what I can tell that's a pretty normal "step-parent emotion"

Not that I would change my family for anything in the world, though. We're just different I guess!

 

[LeeBee]

My situation is different but I'm not sure where I belong or where I can get advice....I'm not a step parent, my husband is to my daughter. I had her in my teens and met my husband when my daughter was 2. My ex was not as involved in her life back then as he is now, but my husband has been there through it all. He gets very annoyed when my daughter's father is rude or doesn't want to have Alyssa on his days, but while my husband is seemingly protective in that way, he NEVER shows affection towards my daughter. He will tell anyone he meets he has a daughter and a son (our son together) but he doesn't ever tell her he's proud of her for anything or tell her she looks pretty or how much he loves her. That's hard for me because then he will turn around and punish every little thing she does (no exaggeration here, she is punished in one way or another more than once a day by him). He does not let me have a say in deciding what is a punishble offense and how severe the punishment should be. When I disagree with him, I try to wait until she is in bed or in her room and discuss it with him, but he doesn't want to hear any of it because he thinks I was too easy on her from day 1 and that's why she doesn't obey every single rule all day every day. That's why she sometimes cries or stomps off when she doesn't get her way. I do NOT approve of her throwing fits when she's upset and if she does so then I will step in and dish my own punishment because she is 8 and should learn to control her temper, however, her and I both feel like she can never do anything right. She is never rewarded for good behavior, there is never a single thing left unpunished. The story is so much longer and more detailed but this thread isn't just about me. I was just wondering if this is the right place to get advice or if there is somewhere else I should be. I just don't know if I'm being too hard on him or if he needs to try to relax a little. We fight about it a lot but mostly he won't hear anything I have to say and I get upset and cry and think about leaving because I want to be somewhere where my daughter is loved. Not where I have to wonder.

I don't know your OH, so I could be way off, but I think typically men in general show emotion less. Then being a step parent on top of it can almost make it a bit "awkward", even when a step parent has been around a child a long time. I've known my step daughter 3.5 years, and there are still times when I have trouble showing emotion.

As far as the discipline thing, I think sometimes step parents may over discipline just to show where they stand and show that they have an equal voice, since it does seem to be the number one issue/complaint on that end.

But again, I don't know your situation so this may not even apply to you!

 

[Thaynes]

My situation is different but I'm not sure where I belong or where I can get advice....I'm not a step parent, my husband is to my daughter. I had her in my teens and met my husband when my daughter was 2. My ex was not as involved in her life back then as he is now, but my husband has been there through it all. He gets very annoyed when my daughter's father is rude or doesn't want to have Alyssa on his days, but while my husband is seemingly protective in that way, he NEVER shows affection towards my daughter. He will tell anyone he meets he has a daughter and a son (our son together) but he doesn't ever tell her he's proud of her for anything or tell her she looks pretty or how much he loves her. That's hard for me because then he will turn around and punish every little thing she does (no exaggeration here, she is punished in one way or another more than once a day by him). He does not let me have a say in deciding what is a punishble offense and how severe the punishment should be. When I disagree with him, I try to wait until she is in bed or in her room and discuss it with him, but he doesn't want to hear any of it because he thinks I was too easy on her from day 1 and that's why she doesn't obey every single rule all day every day. That's why she sometimes cries or stomps off when she doesn't get her way. I do NOT approve of her throwing fits when she's upset and if she does so then I will step in and dish my own punishment because she is 8 and should learn to control her temper, however, her and I both feel like she can never do anything right. She is never rewarded for good behavior, there is never a single thing left unpunished. The story is so much longer and more detailed but this thread isn't just about me. I was just wondering if this is the right place to get advice or if there is somewhere else I should be. I just don't know if I'm being too hard on him or if he needs to try to relax a little. We fight about it a lot but mostly he won't hear anything I have to say and I get upset and cry and think about leaving because I want to be somewhere where my daughter is loved. Not where I have to wonder.

I'm not a step parent but I was just lurking, hoping that doesn't upset anyone. I really think you need to see about doing something about it. My step father seems a lot like that. Never showing pride and only wanting to dwell on the faults. The only thing that has caused is distress in our family and a not to good relationship with my mother. It has also made me think of myself as not worth sometimes. I feel for your daughter and I do think you have a reason to be concerned. In the end all children just want loved and to feel like they belong.

 

[wishiwas]

Hi there! Hope you all don't mind if I join you.

I'm 22 with a 6 year old stepson. He is a very handsome and wellbehaved young man with cerebral palsy.

Husband and I have been together 3.5 years and his son's mother is nice, although we are still distant. We do run into some problems occasionally. Because of the CP, he cannot walk, and I am not physically to lift/carry him. Mostly because I am not strong enough, and also because I am pregnant. I am left out in a lot of his care because I am not physically able to move him, or carry his equiptment. I do most of his feeding though, and take care of the little things that I can help with when he is here.

It's very challenging at times, but he's such a happy boy and well worth it!

Luckily we've had no major problems so far with main step-parenting issues (discipline, etc.) but I wanted to introduce myself and say hello!