step parents support thread

[netty]

Hi Leebee and wishiwas

Great to see you both here.
Leebee you sound exactly the same as me with my sd and youngest son. I can totally relate to your thoughts and everything you said.Like u I am also past the jealousy but get greatly frustrated!! I think the same at times about wishing i was not a stepparent and feel terrible for thinikng it too but I would never say it out loud (unless on here) or act like it either!

Wishiwas - am really pleased ythat things are ok with your ss mum. n my situation that is certainly not the case as she feels i am a threat i think and it is obvious although not discussed that she competes against me nd runs me down to my sd. I have nothing to hide and am ashamed of nothing so just grin and bear it as much as i can!!

great to talk to you all

 

[wishiwas]

It really is terrible that they feel the need to act that way. Isn't everyone after the same goal, a happy child? It just makes sense to me to be on good terms with the step parent if that's where your child is going to be staying for any amount of time. If someone has a personal problem with you, that's something they need to deal with themselves, no need to bring children into it!

I absolutely hated that when I had visits with my mom, my dad would be in such a bad mood. At that age, I thought he was mad at me because I was going with her, when in reality he just didn't want her in the picture at all. As an adult now I can see the difference, but the hostility between the two was obvious even without words.

I hope that she can grow up a little sometime soon. It's sad to see an adult behave that way (talking bad about you to your step daughter) and good for you for taking the high road!

 

[tallybee]

It really is terrible that they feel the need to act that way. Isn't everyone after the same goal, a happy child? It just makes sense to me to be on good terms with the step parent if that's where your child is going to be staying for any amount of time. If someone has a personal problem with you, that's something they need to deal with themselves, no need to bring children into it!

I absolutely hated that when I had visits with my mom, my dad would be in such a bad mood. At that age, I thought he was mad at me because I was going with her, when in reality he just didn't want her in the picture at all. As an adult now I can see the difference, but the hostility between the two was obvious even without words.

I hope that she can grow up a little sometime soon. It's sad to see an adult behave that way (talking bad about you to your step daughter) and good for you for taking the high road!

It's horrid isn't it... I think a lot of adults are just blind to the way their actions will affect the children. Like you say, you can see the difference now you're grown up but as a child... you assume it's all your fault.

There seem to be so many bitter exes that just cannot see what they're doing to the kids... their twisted world is all about point scoring and it's so destructive. My OH's ex even manages to twist her nastiness to, in her world, be for the kids benefit - the more money she can screw out of OH the better for the kids, she assumes. No thought to the hostility they witness and her presentation of herself as a very nasty person. It would have eaten me up at the ages those boys are, if I'd seen my mum behave in ways like that. But of course she blames us for all the problems on earth

 

[djw47]

Thanks everyone for welcoming me. I wasn't so sure how that would go since I've never had nor been a step parent. I imagine it is a tough position to be in. My husband always states that to him she is his daughter but to her he will never be her father. That makes me sad and I feel like it adds to why he acts as he does with her, but I also feel like regardless of the outcome he should try as hard as he can. With that said, someone asked about other children. We have a 19 month old son together and a baby on the way. He treats our son the same in the sense that if he does something wrong, that at his little age he should know not to do then he gets after him, however he is CRAZY affectionate with our son! It's so different it makes me cry happy AND sad tears. I'm SO happy that he loves our son so much. He walks in and picks him up and hugs & kisses him. Plays with him for hours and just gushes over how awesome he is. The love for our son is undeniable and can be seen from the glow he lets off the minute he sees our little man. He has been like this with our little boy since the day he was born. Discipline wise I think he will be pretty much the same with both kids and that is something we will always disagree on because while I do believe children need rules, consequences, and discpline, I also feel that some things are able to be looked over and let go with the idea that a child should not ALWAYS feel that everything they do is wrong. If it's not a major thing, make a comment and go on with life but no need to take away tv or give an early bedtime over a simple grimace or wetting the bed at night when it's a rare thing. When it comes to love and affection, I think there will be huge differences in how he is with the kids. His baby boy is his pride and joy and we don't know the sex of this one yet, so I don't know if it's just a daughter thing and he can't relate to girls or if it's because Alyssa is biologically not his and is close with her dad. I just want us all to love each other and be a family. Alyssa only sees her dad 2 times a month for quick weekends. My ex never calls in between visits, never talks to her on the phone or text to ask about her. I don't know why she adores him so much with so little contact but she does. But being that there IS so little contact, I feel our family should feel even more natural and we should, after 6 years, have figured out these issues by now.

 

[tallybee]

djw47, I can totally empathise with these feelings... we used to have a similar thing. DD's bio 'dad' has stopped visiting altogether now, his choice, but such a relief for us all. When he was visiting (one weekend a month for 4 hours Sat/4hrs Sun) our lives centred arouns it, it was so stressful, OH found it EXTREMELY difficult to deal with H getting excited about seeing my ex. She gradually looked forward to it less and less as he kept letting her down until when he stopped turning up altogether she was quite happy about it. So it's worked out for us for now - he tried having a nasty solicitor letter full of lies sent to us but he's not scaring us that easy

But - while the arrangement was in place it caused no end of stress, I did see OH treating H different to T because of it (T isn't OH's bio child either, T's bio 'dad' died so that's a whole different issue) and it really hurt me to see. Every month about a week before the visits our house would just take on this atmosphere of doom which could be cut with a knife. Even though we communicate pretty well, and knew we were doing the right thing, it was just awful.

So yeah for us the visitation arrangements didn't last all that long (less than a year) and it's been a million times better since my ex fucked up and stopped turning up. For your situation all I can suggest is hanging in there and making sure the lines of communication are wide open with your husband. Make sure you let him know you are aware of, and empathise with, how horribly tough it must be for him. And make sure you let him know (tactfully of course - he's a bloke!) if you think he's overstepping the discipline thing. I know the reaction can often be 'so you think it's ok for her to do that do you?!?!?!?!?' but if we don't speak up we'll regret it at some stage.

So yeah not sure how much help this is, just wanted you to know you're not alone with this

Step parenting is such a varied and huge topic, it's so nice to have your viewpoint on here The more angles we can see from the richer our experience!

 

[CLH_X3]

I dont think its bad to say that SOMETIMES you wish you wasnt a step parent..

I know for a fact sometimes i wish i wasnt, its so hard sometimes and with the ex always going to be in the picture with texts etc .. I just wish my life was simplier..

Im past the jelousy stage, but shes so frustrating when one minute shes moaning/bitching and the next shes texting my OH all happy about how his daughter just did blah blah ...

I cant stand it sometimes!

 

[Mantha]

So glad this thread is here.

Im really struggling at the min, im 21 me and OH have a 6 month old boy together. He also has a daughter from a previous relationship and shes 5. She lives with her mum and OH has her on weekends. But shes always been very spoilt and now its starting to show, her behaviour gets worse and worse every week. Im struggling to deal with it, i dont tell her off or have a say in anything so ive had to just put up with it. Discussed it with oh and he is aware of the way she behaves but doesnt want to disapline her as he doesnt want her to not want to stay with him. Which i totally understand, but she is getting worse. So were kind of stuck as what to do. Doesnt help that the odd time he does tell her off she cries and his mum then feels sorry for her and spoils her to make her feel better. Im starting to dread the weekends when she comes, i know that sounds awful but i cnt help it.

I also cnt stand the fact that the ex is always in touch and always will be, but theres nothing i can do about that!!

Im also worrying what its going to be like when my sons at that age and being naughty. How can i do anything with OH's mum butting in all the time.

Please dont judge me on anything ive said, i dont mean any of it in any nasty way. Im just struggling. I love my OH to bits, just finding it all too much at the moment

xx

 

[tallybee]

So glad this thread is here.

Im really struggling at the min, im 21 me and OH have a 6 month old boy together. He also has a daughter from a previous relationship and shes 5. She lives with her mum and OH has her on weekends. But shes always been very spoilt and now its starting to show, her behaviour gets worse and worse every week. Im struggling to deal with it, i dont tell her off or have a say in anything so ive had to just put up with it. Discussed it with oh and he is aware of the way she behaves but doesnt want to disapline her as he doesnt want her to not want to stay with him. Which i totally understand, but she is getting worse. So were kind of stuck as what to do. Doesnt help that the odd time he does tell her off she cries and his mum then feels sorry for her and spoils her to make her feel better. Im starting to dread the weekends when she comes, i know that sounds awful but i cnt help it.

I also cnt stand the fact that the ex is always in touch and always will be, but theres nothing i can do about that!!

Im also worrying what its going to be like when my sons at that age and being naughty. How can i do anything with OH's mum butting in all the time.

Please dont judge me on anything ive said, i dont mean any of it in any nasty way. Im just struggling. I love my OH to bits, just finding it all too much at the moment

xx

Hi :wave:

Don't worry about being judged on here hon, this thread is for us to come to and vent if needs be! Of course it's tough and we all wish our lives could be simpler sometimes

 

[Camomom1]

Thank you for creating this thread!! I am new to the site and am relieved to find a separate place for step parent issues on here. I originally posted this under family, but here is my dilemma:

We are expecting my first bio child in a few weeks and also have two stepdaughters. The baby will be sharing a room with the younger stepdaughter, age 4. We plan on having him sleep in our bedroom for the first few months, but eventually we will want him to sleep in his crib in the bedroom.

I am (maybe unnecessarily) concerned about what the 4 year old might do to him at bedtime. I worry about her trying to crawl into the crib while he's in there or, in the event of jealousy issues, hitting him because night time will be the only time that they are together without direct supervision.

Are my fears unnecessary? Should we invest in a video baby monitor to put up in the room? They seem fairly pricey and I haven't heard great reviews, but if that is necessary for safety then it's worth it.

What are other's experiences or thoughts on this? Thank you for your input!!

 

[netty]

So glad this thread is here.

Im really struggling at the min, im 21 me and OH have a 6 month old boy together. He also has a daughter from a previous relationship and shes 5. She lives with her mum and OH has her on weekends. But shes always been very spoilt and now its starting to show, her behaviour gets worse and worse every week. Im struggling to deal with it, i dont tell her off or have a say in anything so ive had to just put up with it. Discussed it with oh and he is aware of the way she behaves but doesnt want to disapline her as he doesnt want her to not want to stay with him. Which i totally understand, but she is getting worse. So were kind of stuck as what to do. Doesnt help that the odd time he does tell her off she cries and his mum then feels sorry for her and spoils her to make her feel better. Im starting to dread the weekends when she comes, i know that sounds awful but i cnt help it.

I also cnt stand the fact that the ex is always in touch and always will be, but theres nothing i can do about that!!

Im also worrying what its going to be like when my sons at that age and being naughty. How can i do anything with OH's mum butting in all the time.

Please dont judge me on anything ive said, i dont mean any of it in any nasty way. Im just struggling. I love my OH to bits, just finding it all too much at the moment

xx

Mantha welcome
I echo everything you have said.
I think exactly the same as you and like you i dread every other weekend.
My SD is 12 now - She winds my 8 year so he is so hyper and i try to discipline him the same 365 days a year but I cannot discipline her and she gets away with everything as like yours my oh is frigthened to say anything as he is worried she wont come anymore I know why he thinks these things but as she gets older and gets more independent she wont come anyway. I always make her welcome.

This weekend my son asked to buy some pointless thing on his ipod touch and i said no as it was £3 to be wasted on a slot machine game. She then texts her mum to be able to buy it for her ipod as it is registered to her mums account and her mum then buys £9 worth sure it was just to make me look mean

It is only very subtle things but they mount up to make bloody mountains

Sometimes i can cope and get on with it other times I really struggle

Feel free to come and rant and chat anytime

 

[netty]

Thank you for creating this thread!! I am new to the site and am relieved to find a separate place for step parent issues on here. I originally posted this under family, but here is my dilemma:

We are expecting my first bio child in a few weeks and also have two stepdaughters. The baby will be sharing a room with the younger stepdaughter, age 4. We plan on having him sleep in our bedroom for the first few months, but eventually we will want him to sleep in his crib in the bedroom.

I am (maybe unnecessarily) concerned about what the 4 year old might do to him at bedtime. I worry about her trying to crawl into the crib while he's in there or, in the event of jealousy issues, hitting him because night time will be the only time that they are together without direct supervision.

Are my fears unnecessary? Should we invest in a video baby monitor to put up in the room? They seem fairly pricey and I haven't heard great reviews, but if that is necessary for safety then it's worth it.

What are other's experiences or thoughts on this? Thank you for your input!!

Hi and welcome

I am pleased you have found us here!!
I am not sure what to advise you - until your baby is here It is hard to see how the 4 year old will react.
I would wait till baby is here and then buy a monitor if you think you will need it.

Sorry I can't help you more!

 

[princess_1991]

hiyaa ladies!! be prepared RANT ALERT!! lol

im 19, DH 26
so my husband and i dont have any babies YET, ttc #1 still :/
hubby has 3 kids daughter whos 9 nearly 10, son whos 6 and son whos nearly 4, from previous relationship (they werent married, so no bitter divorce story)

she makes our life hell!

shes soo bitter and twisted, shes turned the kids against us, atm shes stopped us from seeing kids, which has killed my hubby

things were bad when we were just together but got a million times worse when we got married, it started by OH askin if the kids could come to the wedding, they were gunna be flower girl and page boys, she said no, the told the kids we didnt want them there. not to mention we had to change the wedding venue twice cuz she found out were it was and kept sayiin she was gunna crash it!

not long after the wedding we had the kids on the weekend, there dad popped into a shop for few mins nd i waited in the car with kids nd the daughter turned round to me and asked what my last name was now, i said w******* she said like me, i said yes, she gets in my face and shouts my mommy said
your not a w********, you will never be part of this family, (this is gunna sound dead childish lol) but i wouldnt have minded but there mother isnt even a w********, so how could her mother have told her something like that!

she tells the kids there daddy doesnt love them, took us for a complete joke with child maintainence, we paid her cash every week, after stoppin us from seein the kids she told the child support agency that we havent paid her nothing, so theyve back dated it absolutely raping our wage!

the whole reason we we stopped seein kidies is because one day the youngest lad was playin up, being moany, ee was tierd but refused to sleep, (the kids fight over attention from there dad) so i was just poppin too town to drop something off at college and OH asked me to take LO with me and hopefully he would drop off in his pram, daughter then goes back home and tells her mom i was out with him all day, i was barley gone an hour!

so she stops us from seeing the youngest, claiming i was tryin to ''play mommy''

then she said from now on IF the kids want to see you they can if they dont they wont,

the girl is a proper mommys girl and knows if shes on her own with mommy shell get all her attention so decides she doesnt wanna come see her dad anymore (guessin her mothers shit stirring had something to do with it aswell)

whereas the eldest lad is a total daddies boy, and wanted to see his dad all the time, so we started having him more then just on the weekends, then she stops us from seeing him too apparently ''were tearing the kids appart, breaking there bond theyve got cuz they think there dad loves one more then the other'' GRRR

it was her that stopped us from seeing one and not the other!!

so everytime hes tried calling, askin to talk to them, shes caused an arguement and hung up, even xmas day she wouldnt let him talk to the kids,

she told him to take there prezzies round and leave them in the alley beside her house, then we get a text sayin, MY kids loved all the extra prezzies they got off there mommy, its ashame there daddy didnt get them nothing!

but other then that we'd never hear anything off her, apart from the other day, my cousins just had a baby, and me and the OH had a picture taken with thaa baby, and i set it as my fb profile pic, i havent got her on fb so she musta been having a right nosey, and my husband gets a text sayin no wonder YOU dont wanna see the kids anymore, now that little tarts given you another baby, blah blah blah

and she proper kicked off over it, he tried tellin her it wasnt his kid but she day believe him, and she hopes ''our'' baby dies, were tryin for a baby, reckon we might have to have ivf but i dont wanna have to go through that which her wishing babies dead and her kickin off cuz we have a baby, not that its got anything to do with her,

but its not fair on the kids, to have their mind warped, to be stopped seeing there dad!

why are people soo horrible, im not even pregnant yet but i already know when i have a baby, i would never ever want that child to feel one ounce of pain, physically or mentally,

whats wrong with people nowadays, why is it all about point scoring and gettin one over on the other,

other signs also point to the fact shes not over him, but they havent been together for near 5 years!! she needs to get a grip!!

i just wish people would grow up and realise there the adult/parent!

lool rant overr, thanks for letting me vent

 

[netty]

oh princess that is absolutely terrible

poor both of you.

The oldest sounds like my sd with her stirring and altered views because of her mum!!

Wish i could say something to help but please vent away anytime
to you both.

 

[princess_1991]

thanks netty, its ashame cuz in the end its the kids that suffer

one thing that riles me tho is, she 25 nd obvs im 19 but everytime she chooses to insult me, im the tart or his ''little'' girlfriend or im a child, yes i maybe only 19 but im a damn lot more mature then she is!

ii would never ever put my kids through any of that xx

 

[netty]

You are being very mature in all of this which as step parents that is what we need to be!

I have problems with my exhusband and what little access he wants of seeing my soon but i never bring my son into it all!

 

[tallybee]

Princess that sounds like a horrible situation So sorry to hear your lives are made so difficult by that bitter woman, I can totally empathise I also get the age crap from OH's ex, she thinks she is so big and clever (she's actually old enough to be my mum ) but sane adults don't act like she does The kids act more mature a lot of the time!

On our end, now that OH and his ex have signed their separation agreement we are hoping that a shitty chapter can be closed, and that the boys can see their dad more. Up until now she's been using them as weapons in her game to try and squeeze more out of us - princess calling it 'wage rape' is so hitting the nail on the head!! These people will stop at nothing to poison those whom they cannot stand to see experiencing even a shred of happiness.



xx

 

[princess_1991]

the irritating this is there is nothing we can do about it, its never going to change its never going to go away,i just hope that if me and OH do have babies then she will just be mature and let the kids see there brother/sister, really cant see that happening without a fight on our hands tho!

what do we do tho, do we take a step back let her get on with it, still support the kids finacially and wait till there old enough to realise or do we fight and risk damaging the kids more then they already are?? xx

 

[tallybee]

I've given up on any hope of maturity from OH's ex, or mine for that matter. Some people never change, and once we realise that our lives get so much less disappointing - not easier exactly but if we don't expect anything decent from certain people we aren't constantly let down when they fail once again. Anything above absolute zero is a bonus...

I think all that can be done in such extreme circumstances is to carry on providing financially for those children and hope that in the future they'll make their own minds up. We have to be in this for the long-term, or we'll just give up because the present is so often made so insufferable. You're right, fighting with someone so deranged could end up causing even more damage...

I make it all sound so bleak don't I But I look at it this way - when things are at rock bottom then they can only get better!
xx

 

[Mantha]

Thanks Netty,

Its nice to have someone in the same situation. I totally understand why he feels like he does. But her behaviour is getting worse every week, i dont want my son seeing way she behaves as he grows up and thinking he can do it. OH seems to think that as she gets older she will get better. But i dont see how when she is gets away with everything and always gets her own way. Its only going to get worse unless he does sumat about it. Just feels like im being awful. I wouldnt want anyone to feel like this about my son but then again im not guna let him behave like she does.

It is really really hard

xx

 

[Mellybelle]

Hi ladies,
Very happy this thread was started!!! I havent had a chance to read through it all yet, but I will.....
i dont have time to write all of our story here. MY DH and I have four children between us. One is 'mine' two are 'his' and one is 'ours'. But they are all ours. His two sons from previous marriage live half with us and half with his ex (hereafter to be known as the megabitch). My husband left her because he was so desperately unhappy with her. There was no other woman involved and he and I got together after they had been divorced for 3 months (they were separated for a year before the divorce which is the law in australia). The megabitch is nasty and always uses the children to get what she wants. She manipulates them to want what she wants. She hates me simply because I exist (and probably because I am WAAAYYYY hotter than her! Lol)
I'll explain more later (must get ready for work) but I look forward to recieving advice and support from this thread.