step parents support thread

[pinkflamingo]

i went through the same at the start, in having to get DH to stand up for himself but I don't believe it was about loyalty to her (as he hated her guts then!) I think it was totally about an easy life for him. To be fair he didn't meet with all her demands but if he said no to something, then she would demand something else and use SS as a blackmailing device which made it difficult for DH.

In our experience bitchface(!) will only get away with as much as she is allowed to. Hubby completely stands up for himself these days and now that she has had to learn to compromise instead of screaming and shouting until she gets her own way, it's clearly not so much fun for her anymore and so she leaves us pretty much alone now.

The only thing that bothers me to this day is what she says directly to SS about his dad. We have NEVER said a bad word to him about his mother, and are totally in the mindset that he is approaching his teens now and he will soon be old enough to start putting the pieces together and making his own opinions up about it all and everyone involved.

I've never ever experienced anything like this before getting together with DH, but it has strengthened the importance of providing a secure and loving home when we do have children.

I also agree with every single word said about putting up with all of this because we truly believe that we are supposed to be together. Even at the start when I thought it wasn't worth all the grief, there was 'something' that held us together and made me believe that even if I had wanted to walk away that I couldn't as this was the man I was supposed to be with! It sounds so stupid when I write it down but it's just how it felt (and still does I have to add!!!)

xxx

 

[Lyndz]

Hi Guys! I thiss thread and thank you for creating it!

I have an 8 year old DSS who we have near enough every weekend. He is a very difficult child, behaviour is terrible, he lies constantly, and not white-i've had a biscuit before tea-lies, the sort of lies where people get investigated by social services. He constantly beats his 3 year old brotheer up, throws him down the stairs/throws him off the top bunk/ and torments his 1 year old sister (other of his mums kids), spits in teachers faces and nothing anyone does/discipline doesn't work. I, for one, do not enjoy being a step mum and i worry about mine & DH's daughter. I dread access weekends mostly. It's sad. Sad for him because of his behaviour, sad for DH having to hear all about it every time he picks him up and sad for me and Bella because i don't want his behaviour to influence hers.

However, unlike a lot of people, we actualy get on with DSS mum. Of course she has her faults, but for saying how difficult DSS behaviour is, she does a bloodey good job, i know i couldn't cope. If DSS had to come live with us, i honestly don't think DH and mines relationship would survive. I can pick DSS up on a friday afternoon and pop in for a cuppa/DH can pick him up/drop him off and have a cuppa etc. I think the fact we all get on so well helps alot.

I dunno, i just wish DSS behaviour was better, maybe i'd enjoy weekends more if i didn't have to worry about my daughter, he can't be left alone with her at all. Being a step mum is harder than being a mum and people who say "well you knew what you were getting into" really piss me off! No one gives you a crystal ball and shows you what it's going to be like 5 years down the line! Unless you are a step parent, you can't begin to grasp how hard it really is!

Anyway, hi and thanks!

 

[HopefulKirsty]

Just read through this whole thread. I came on here to get a break from sd - she is driving me insane today and I honestly want to give up!
It's not like me to feel this way, I love her to bits and she says she loves me too but I am sick of her requiring being treated like a toddler!
Sorry to start of with a rant, but in nearly 2 years this is our first really bad day.

Oh and his ex split up when sd was a baby, she is almost 9 years old now. Bitchface has mental health issues and sd has recently started regressing again! She tells sd that her father hates her and that I want rid of her, that we hate bitchface and thats why we dont like sd etc.
We both love sd and only ever say positive things about her mother to her (although on the days she's not here we have a lot of negative to say about the bitch)
I'm also going through a little jealousy phase atm as since sd has said to oh that her mummy told her daddy only loves me and not her he has been trying to make it very obvious who he loves the most, by basically making me out to be a lesser person. even when sd isnt here I'll say to him 'I love you more than anything in the world' and he'll be like well I love H most, she's my daughter, you wouldnt understand, its a parent thing.
When he uses its a parent thing I want to scream, doesnt he realise that being a step-parent is hard as hell? in fact give me hell over this any day!

Anyway, when I first mover in with oh almost 2 years ago, sd who was 7 at the time was still getting a bottle of milk in bed, and he would get up with her several times through the night to make sure she went to the toilet etc. He bathed her and dried her and got her dressed etc. as thats how she was treated at her mothers, like a baby. She had never had a bedtime and went to bed on average around 2am and even then it would take him a couple of hours to get her to sleep, even with her watching a dvd. She has never eaten in a vegetable in her life as oh wasnt allowed her untill she was 4 and if he tried to give her veg bitch would call up and say he wasnt allowed to see her again if he fed her stuff she didnt like. Sd was doing very poorly at school and her teachers didnt know what to do with her as she just wasnt working. She is very lazy and happily just sits in one place all day, even convincing her to help walk the dog can lead to tears. (and yes she is overweight)

Anyway in the 12 months after I moved in things very slowly changed. She would get a glass of milk at 9 and be in bed for 9.30 and OH would read her a quick story then leave the room and she got herself off to sleep. She started going to the toilet on her own when she needed and eventually started sleeping through the night and in 2 years has only had 2 accidents. She has very small portions of veg with her meals - and even having a tiny amount of veg usually takes her 2hours to eat and about 3 temper tantrums. And she very occassionaly asks to go to the park or do something other than watch tv (which I only allow in moderation) and most importantly she is the top of her class, her teacher said at a recent parent evening 'I am shocked by the progress H has made, she is a different child, This time last year I was runniong out of ideas to motivate her and now she is motivated and eager to learn all on her own.'
Last night I made a 'junk food' dinner because I was having a bad day and couldnt be bothered cooking. I made cheesy pasta and put a couple of bags of steamed veg from the freezer into it. OH took all sd's veg out and mushed up about three peas, mixed the mushed peas into it and said, 'thats enough veg for her, I'm sick of fighting with her' Now recently as in the last month or so she has stopped crying and having tantrums at meal times, and if she is full she will leave veg which we dont have a problem with, we never said she had to eat it all, just a taste. And we always let her pick which veg she wants and involve her in making it.

Anyway I was just having a rant - sorry if it never made sense, I needed to get it out there as I have been so stressed out with sd and her mum recently. Sometimes I wish I had got out of this back before it was serious, but I know thats just a fleeting thoughgt as I love OH more than life in itself and he is a really good dad to her, he tries to do whats best. But I hate always being second best.


edit to say - I love her loads and I know that isnt obvious in this post, but I'm feeling really irritable today. USually I look forward to the time we get with sd as we only have her 3 nights a week and the house seems so straneg without her here. She is very affecionate towards me alot of the time and if I had to choose a stepchild I would definitely chose her. She is generally well behaved as well and usually respectful.

 

[pinkflamingo]

Hi hopefulkirsty! Sounds like you have been a great influence on your SD's life. I can't believe that she was being treated like that, but if like you say that is how her mum treats her then maybe this is linked to her mental health issues?? We have had to deal with those issues from SS's mum too and over the years you can tell whether it's a high or low time by the messages we would receive etc! She also tells SS the same things as your SD is told, all very negative and just plain evil in my opinion. Why would anyone tell a child that their parent does not love them? Even if they never see that parent I don't think a child needs to be told that.

This is a great place for us all to have a moan!!!!

xx

 

[tallybee]

:wave:

This thread has really got going hasn't it, every time I come on here now there are loads of new posts

Kirsty it really does sound like your sd has benefited greatly from having you in her life. That is so positive and lovely, that this can happen despite such evil crap from her mother. It's so sad that these people twist their childrens heads like that, we've had it too and it's just shit. OH's boys are getting to the stage of being old enough to make their own minds up, but when she won't even allow adequate contact and makes sure that they only hear her side it's really tough.

I liked the story of getting them to eat veg, as OH's kids are the fussiest, most inadequately nourished kids ever because their mum is big on convenience and clueless on nutrition. It's very difficult to change habits when they're nearly 8 and nearly 12 as they were when I first knew them. But S (the younger one) was always even fussier than J (his brother). I was so proud when S ate lettuce from our garden and poppy seeds while we were baking bread! He would never have done this without our veg patch and make-from-scratch efforts, also just the fact of actually involving them in making things is so helpful in making them want to try it. When OH first met my kids, he'd come round our house and I was making the children some pasta with veggies and pesto through it. He couldn't believe that an almost 3 and almost 5 year old would eat such things! A lot of people have said how lucky I am that my children eat salad, veg, etc etc. It actually pisses me off because it's nothing to do with luck, it's about feeding them properly from the beginning and setting a good example by eating those things myself! Saying it's luck basically shits all over the good work I have done with both of them from day 1

Sorry that was a bit of a tangent

xx

 

[krazy1707k]

Step-dad to my partners 2. I've been part of the younger ones life for half her life. Her bio dad left before she was even born. I love them both to bits and they love me. I find that they are more inclined to do as they're asked when the instructions are from me. They do tend to pull the p*** with mum quite a bit. I think this frustrates her a wee bit... But better to have 2 parents instead of one.

 

[krazy1707k]

In our experience bitchface(!) will only get away with as much as she is allowed to. Hubby completely stands up for himself these days and now that she has had to learn to compromise instead of screaming and shouting until she gets her own way, it's clearly not so much fun for her anymore and so she leaves us pretty much alone now.

I so relate to this, I FINALLY grew a pair of kahuna's and stopped pandering to her excessive demands. We finally have a separation agreement in place and I haven't heard from her since

 

[HopefulKirsty]

Thanks for the support ladies - I just came on here to delete my post as well as I felt so guilty for even feeling those things nevermind putting them into words.
Tallybee - The veg is the hardsest part, I'm worried that when our lo gets here that he or she will pick up h's bad habits when their older and try to eat crap all the time. I mean dont get me wrong we dont eat healthy all of the time, and we dont expect H to either, some nights we have a 'proper' meal and occassionaly we'll get a take-away or eat a frozen pizza or something. I just dont think that veg should be a big deal.
I may start a veg patch with H this summer and see if that helps her - she really does enjoy being involved in making dinner etc. She loved veggie soup when she gets to help clean and peel the veg.

 

[doctordeesmrs]

So nice to see this thread.
I have a 9 year old (nearly 10) SD. Been with my DH nearly 7 years. SD lives with her mum but she's with us every weekend and sometimes during the week. More during school holidays.

TBH we have never really had any major issues. When SD was younger and behaviour was getting out of control (usually down to mum trying to be best friend) DH and myself used to go round to her mum's house and put on a united front so she wouldn't play us all off against each other. I wouldn't say i was friends with her mum but we are able to be in the same room and have a conversation etc. Its amazing, we can be at every sports day, school play etc and there is no atmosphere. I don't think my SD appreciates that but i would love for it to have happened when my parents separated.

 

[netty]

:wave:

Hi everyone - good to see all the new people on here.

hope you all have had a nice weekend.

tell me do you always take your stepkids on holidays with you?
Do you ever go away even for a few days as your new family unit?

Thanks

 

[babe2ooo]

the one thing i find hard is i do everything for my step son, get him ready for school, sort out swimming lessons, cook him tea everything a mum should do just OH alway says i dont do enough i mean i couldnt do anymore sometimes i feel like saying hes your son you do something for a change. I feel like i get treated so unfairly, my step son barely says thankyou for anything i do for him and Oh never say anything, i mean its hard work looking after two kids, my step son and my little one. My oh hardly does anything feels like such hard work all the time, i feel like i'm always working at being a step mum but feel like my best is never good enough.

 

[tallybee]

Thanks for the support ladies - I just came on here to delete my post as well as I felt so guilty for even feeling those things nevermind putting them into words.
Tallybee - The veg is the hardsest part, I'm worried that when our lo gets here that he or she will pick up h's bad habits when their older and try to eat crap all the time. I mean dont get me wrong we dont eat healthy all of the time, and we dont expect H to either, some nights we have a 'proper' meal and occassionaly we'll get a take-away or eat a frozen pizza or something. I just dont think that veg should be a big deal.
I may start a veg patch with H this summer and see if that helps her - she really does enjoy being involved in making dinner etc. She loved veggie soup when she gets to help clean and peel the veg.

Honey don't feel guilty about your feelings. We all have feelings we aren't proud of but pretending they don't exist is an easy recipe for just running yourself into the ground I didn't think what you said was horrible at all, this thread was made for those of us who aren't going to judge because we can empathise


We don't eat properly healthy from-scratch stuff all the time either, it's all about balance. As long as we make the effort most of the time it doesn't matter if we have a takeaway or convenience meal once in a while I know what you mean about worrying your LO may pick up bad habits in the future, but given the positive progress H has made already you must be onto the right tracks with it, and you know as long as you keep making the effort you will reap the rewards

I really recommend the veg patch, getting kids to choose stuff to plant and watch it grow all the way from seeds into proper food is such an incentive and they love eating 'their' veg It teaches them a lot too.

We just did a raised bed today for planting out all our veggies - they've all been in pots up till now (we've been here 2 years ) It's not pricey and the veggies will be delish
I agree kids eating their veg should not be a massive deal it should just be normal. It is here, I've always been into the idea of growing it and now we've got our own house with garden it's a possibility... we're considering getting some chickens too!!

 

[tallybee]

:wave:

Hi everyone - good to see all the new people on here.

hope you all have had a nice weekend.

tell me do you always take your stepkids on holidays with you?
Do you ever go away even for a few days as your new family unit?

Thanks

Unfortunately we don't even have them over right now, haven't had for some time because of their mother's bullcrap. We would love to though. The longest we have had them here is overnight - that's it

 

[tallybee]

the one thing i find hard is i do everything for my step son, get him ready for school, sort out swimming lessons, cook him tea everything a mum should do just OH alway says i dont do enough i mean i couldnt do anymore sometimes i feel like saying hes your son you do something for a change. I feel like i get treated so unfairly, my step son barely says thankyou for anything i do for him and Oh never say anything, i mean its hard work looking after two kids, my step son and my little one. My oh hardly does anything feels like such hard work all the time, i feel like i'm always working at being a step mum but feel like my best is never good enough.

That's rough... what more is he thinking you should do

Yea parenting and particularly step parenting can be a bloody thankless job sometimes but it's worse when you're not supported!

 

[Lyndz]

:wave:

Hi everyone - good to see all the new people on here.

hope you all have had a nice weekend.

tell me do you always take your stepkids on holidays with you?
Do you ever go away even for a few days as your new family unit?

Thanks

Me, DH and our daughter are going away for 5 days to Cornwall in a couple of weeks, we're not taking DSS this time. But, DSS is going on holiday with his grandma and going away with his grandad (that's two separate holidays) this year, so we don't feel bad for not taking him. Next year, we'll look at taking him away with us, the year after we wont etc. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend time with just your kids!

 

[Mellybelle]

:wave:

Hi everyone - good to see all the new people on here.

hope you all have had a nice weekend.

tell me do you always take your stepkids on holidays with you?
Do you ever go away even for a few days as your new family unit?

Thanks

Hi Ladies,

I posted way back in the beginning but havent had a chance to read up on everyones stories and situations.

When my DH and I met I had one daughter and he has two sons, we have since added another son to our family. So, 4 all together. My DD has nothng to do with her bio father (thank god! Its so much easier) so my DH is her 'Dad'. My step sons live half the time with us half with their mother (aka the megabitch.)

We take all the kids on holidays with us. We make sure we organise it months in advance in case the ex decides to be nasty and not allow us to have the kids during "her time" with them. The kids all get a long famously. They were all really little when DH and I met, so none of them really remember life without each other. They are brothers and sister and never call each other step brother, or half brother. Although the megabitch loves to point out "steps and halves".

Does anyone else have the situation where the steps live half the time with each parent? What problems if any does this involve for you?

 

[pinkflamingo]

Hi Mellybelle,

I think it's great that your kids all get along and see each other as family, which is how it should be in my mind. I have a (half) brother who is 17 years younger than me, but I never have seen him as anything other than my brother and I love him dearly. I worry that my SS will behave differently as his mum is very negative about DH and I and is VERY vocal about it all. Even though we are married and have been together for 6 years, and she is engaged too, she will still say horrible things to her son about his dad not loving him etc etc. He asked me about us having children last year and I said we did hope to have children, and then he replied with 'well they won't be my real brother or sister anyway'. I thought it was really sad. I realise it will be a big change in his life, and as he is an only child he won't have any allies to support him through it, but I hope that once we do have children that he doesn't feed on any negativity from his mum, and that he decides he wants to be a part of our family.

We usually take SS away for one holiday and then we have time away on our own too. This year we have bought a house which we are doing lots of work on, so he will be going overseas to stay with his grandma for 2 weeks (his choice) and we will be at home working on the house.


He only comes to us every other weekend so his time is not split equally. I do think it must be horrible at that age (13) to have to split your life in this way. It really makes me sad sometimes when I think about it. He has started to ask more often if he can stay at his mums on some days when he is due to be with us. DH never says no to this as we realise that SS is at that age when friends etc is more important to him than seeing his parents! I guess it will only get more so as the months go by.

It's not an easy role to take on is it!! And by the sounds of it most of us took on the joys of a step-child and got the added bonus of their 'bitchface' mother!!!!!!! We are very strong ladies!!! In some ways I must thank her for teaching me how not to be a mother!! In all honesty I had never had the need to question what sort of mother I would be before I met her, now I am determined to be all of the things that she is not!! She has taught me to be a good mummy even before I have had any children!!!!!!

x

 

[tallybee]

It's not an easy role to take on is it!! And by the sounds of it most of us took on the joys of a step-child and got the added bonus of their 'bitchface' mother!!!!!!! We are very strong ladies!!! In some ways I must thank her for teaching me how not to be a mother!! In all honesty I had never had the need to question what sort of mother I would be before I met her, now I am determined to be all of the things that she is not!! She has taught me to be a good mummy even before I have had any children!!!!!!

You have got it spot on here pinkflamingo!

In fact it's relationships previous to this (back before I had my own children) and all that came with them that gave me many of my pointers on how not to be a mum It's so sad that it takes this to make it clear how damaging one could be. Although I like to think I never would have been a bitchface anyway
My children have never had the experience - neither bio 'dad' being around to fuck their lives about (that REALLY is all that either of them ever did , it's better all round with no contact with the one that's still alive) BUT - my OH is their Daddy, the only one they know.... and if anything ever happened to our relationship there's no WAY I would interfere with them seeing each other because I'm not a bitchface! And if we get our wish to have our own baby together they will ALL be treated the same. None of this step this and half that.

xx

 

[HopefulKirsty]

My Mother and My step-mother always got along great. They would chat on the phone for hours. Even after my dad and my step-mom broke up I would still go stay with my step-mom and not my dad as my brother and sister live with her and I've always been close to her. I always tell people I have a mum and a mom - Mum being my own mum over here inscotland and mom being step-mom in canada - and not a dad as neither i or my mothers ever really liked him lol.It's only really the past few months my father and i have started talking.
Given my previous experience of step-parents, i thought H would be all sweetness and joy, never expected bitchface to be so horrible!! All the things you hear about the evil stepmother - those stories were probably made up by the bio mum to convince the lo's that step-mom was evil lol because in my experience there has been far more damage cause by bitchfaces than by step-moms Mind you, we're all good step-parents on here in that we dont differentiate between children, and treat our stepkids as ourr own.

 

[tallybee]

My Mother and My step-mother always got along great. They would chat on the phone for hours. Even after my dad and my step-mom broke up I would still go stay with my step-mom and not my dad as my brother and sister live with her and I've always been close to her. I always tell people I have a mum and a mom - Mum being my own mum over here inscotland and mom being step-mom in canada - and not a dad as neither i or my mothers ever really liked him lol.It's only really the past few months my father and i have started talking.
Given my previous experience of step-parents, i thought H would be all sweetness and joy, never expected bitchface to be so horrible!! All the things you hear about the evil stepmother - those stories were probably made up by the bio mum to convince the lo's that step-mom was evil lol because in my experience there has been far more damage cause by bitchfaces than by step-moms Mind you, we're all good step-parents on here in that we dont differentiate between children, and treat our stepkids as ourr own.

I think you're spot on! I mean, there must be some step mums that actually aren't nice (I know some ladies can find it so tough that it makes them struggle to like the children which is sad)
but my experience leads me to believe it's the 'bitchfaces' that are the real problems in the vast majority of cases where problems exist! I mean, I do know of step families where things actually work pretty well but the reality for most of us is just harsh!