Still disappointed

[lori]

Just feeling like I need to be honest with someone

I remember a time when I was horrified that anyone could have a preference for one gender over another. I lost my first baby at 12 weeks, and I felt totally repulsed when friends would casually mention how they wanted a girl or a boy. How could they be so selfish?

When I got pregnant again, I didn't allow myself to think about the gender very much. I didn't like the fact that I was secretly wishing for a girl. When I found out at my 17 week ultrasound that I was expecting a boy, I felt crushed. This was supposed to be a happy moment. My husband teared up and squeezed my hand. There was a look of pure joy on his face, and I hated myself because I just felt terrified.

I grew up with sisters and never really pictured myself with a son. I was scared that I didn't know how to parent a boy or really connect with him. My MIL (who had 3 boys) always talks about how boys leave their families and how much she wishes she had a daughter. My own mother, who had 3 girls, talks about how wonderful it was and how she never wished for anything different. Clearly, my family would have preferred a girl, and I felt like a disappointment.

I held it together until that evening, when my husband caught me having a little cry. The guilt was terrible. How could I be disappointed in this baby I'd wanted for so long? Things improved over the coming weeks, and while I still looked wistfully over at the little girl's clothing sometimes, I was genuinely excited to meet my baby.

The months after my son's birth were really rough. Blame it on colic, reflux, whatever... he was a very unhappy baby. He did nothing but scream and puke and for the first 3-4 months, and it took me quite a while to bond with him. I found feeding very difficult, and I was resentful that I was missing out on what I perceived the "normal" experience to be. The first year was filled with other struggles (my son had surgery, there were lots of family issues with my MIL, and my son was a terrible sleeper). I knew it was ridiculous, but I found myself thinking that things would be different if he were a girl, and I started longing for another baby.

I was desperate to have a girl next, and I read all kinds of information on gender swaying. I convinced my husband to start trying a bit earlier than we'd planned (not by much, but still earlier). I followed all the gender swaying "rules" and was shocked when I got pregnant the first month of trying. This meant that when I returned to work from maternity leave, I had to work a lot more than we'd originally planned (I haven't had a day off with my husband in the last 6 months so I can qualify for another maternity leave). I've had to let go of a lot of my breastfeeding goals and just let nature decide, which has been hard because I'm very much a type A control freak. Still, I knew it would all be worth it to have my perfect boy+girl family.

When I found out at 19 weeks that I was expecting another boy, I sunk into a depression and still haven't found my way out (I'm now 35 weeks). I'm ashamed to type this. I really haven't enjoyed the pregnancy experience this time around. I don't feel particularly bonded to this baby, and I don't feel very much hope that this will happen automatically when he's born because it was a difficult journey with my son. I can't bring myself to do many of the things that I did to prepare for my first son. I started making a baby blanket, but haven't made much progress. I've bought a few baby items, but I feel resentful and sad each time, not excited. I didn't enjoy the 3D ultrasound because it dashed my hopes that maybe the first ultrasound tech was wrong. I felt like I was looking at someone else's baby. I started a pregnancy journal when I first found out I was pregnant, but I stopped writing in it and eventually just threw it away because I can't imagine that my son will be interested in my pregnancy experience. I went for maternity photos this week, and I kept thinking that this wasn't an experience that I will feel proud remembering.

For me, it really isn't about the cute outfits and princess dolls and headbands. I want to feel that I have something to contribute to my children's lives as they grow, and I worry that I won't have much of a connection with my sons. It's not that I'll have nothing to contribute, just less. Nobody goes to their mother in law with baby questions or to pick out a wedding dress, and I assume that my sons will go their father for help and advice over me I won't be able to pass down wisdom and experience because it won't apply to my sons and my daughter in law's will be much more interested in their own mother's experiences. I'm going to miss out on that mother-daughter bond, and it's going to be lonely.

I haven't told anyone that we're expecting a boy because I don't feel ready to act happy about it. When I had my first son, it seemed that all my friends were also having boys. This time around, they're all proudly announcing that they're on team pink, and I'm overcome with jealousy. I feel that I must be too "unfeminine" to have a daughter, and I'm ashamed. I'm scared of the "told you so" attitude I know I'm going to get from my MIL.

I keep hoping that I'm going to overcome this before my son is born, but I'm running out of time. I'm still struggling. The guilt is even worse than the disappointment. It's getting a bit easier as the due date nears, but I don't feel the way I want to feel. I keep reminding myself how wonderful it will be for my son to grow up with a brother, and I'm really starting to believe it some days. I believe that the universe has a better plan for my family than I could have come up with on my own, and I know that this child is going to bring something amazing to my life that I can't see just yet. I just hope I see it soon.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading I just needed to be honest with someone.

 

[ILoveYouZandT]

I read the whole thing! I can somewhat identify, but I definitely was not that upset upon finding out about my second son. I just hold onto hope that the last one will be a girl haha, probably not a great idea.

One thing I can assure you though is that the brother-brother bond is something that is sooo fun to watch! Not that a brother-sister sibling relationship wouldn't be, but there are things that girls can't relate too. Our little guy looks up to his brother soo much. They like the same things. Our older son takes such pride in caring for his little brother. Watching Teagen dress in Izaiah's old clothes, and listening to Izaiah be so excited that his little brother is wearing his old things is super cute.

There will be things to look forward too. Trust me! I know how you feel, I want a little girl so so badly. I want everything you want so bad. But in the end, they're just little people who want our love, we can't change what we get, we can just adjust to it.

 

[Guppy051708]

I TOTALLY understand this. I now have 2 boys. They are 17 months apart. I wept tears after the ultrasound of DS2. I really dreaded having to labor again and end up with a boy in the end. I felt bad for DS1 for having another boy too. I try to remember that they will have this special best friend bond since they are both boys and so close in age...but really i am still deeply sadden. I really do want a girl...but i feel as if we are not capable of producing a girl. DS2 is now 7 weeks old. DS1 is 18 months old. We did everything to sway our odds with DS2 and it just didn't work I was heartbroken when we found out we had another boy. I didn't feel attached to him at all throughout the pregnancy, i felt guilty for wanting a girl instead, and to be honest i felt like i wish i wouldnt have gotten pregnant in the first place. I really thought we would have had a girl...but i was wrong and i really did not enjoy my pregnancy at all...and to be perfectly honest if we would have had a girl, we would be done having kids. ...but to shed light at the end of your tunnel. I love DS2...and i know you will too. It took my meeting him at delivery to fall in love with him. Im not going to say it was instant, but within a couple of hours we bonded like no other. I wouldn't change him for the world. I love both my boys to pieces...but im being honest here, i still miss this loss...l deeply desire the mother-daughter bond and im getting more and more upset that i dont have that as time goes on...it is easier to cope with, now that i have this little baby boy-he lights up my world...but it only took a small part of the sting out....

 

[Missy86]

I feel same as you do with the mother-daughter bond, its something I always thought I would have

 

[pixeldust]

There are definitely a lot of similarities in our stories. I can tell you though, part of me dreaded my GD baby arriving right up until the day he came. I was SO terrified he would be a clone of his big brother - his big brother who didn't sleep through the night until age 2, the wilful, stubborn boy who put me through Hell, the root of my PND. But Z arrived, and it's like night and day. I LOVE being a mother to this new baby boy, something I never though would happen.

It's so much more than gender. I think gender becomes our focus when we are pregnant because we know so little about the baby we are growing. We don't know the colour of their eyes. We don't know that they will smile in their sleep, that they will make happy noises as they nurse, that they will burrow into us when we hold them and fall asleep in our arms. All we know are the facts - the baby is a boy or a girl. It is x centile for size. It is healthy, or not. It's easy to focus on what we know until they arrive.

I promise this baby will come out and it will be ok.

 

[MeAndMyShadow]

These are great stories ladies xx

 

[BlueHadeda]

PixelDust, I agree with you so much!!

I may not be in precisely the same boat as most of you, since I had my pigeon pair with my first babies. Then I had another boy, and now I'm pregnant with my 4th, and last, baby. We don't know the gender, but I suspect it's a boy and I so wished for another little pink bundle.

To the OP, Lori. You know what, it really all depends so much on the BABY, and not the gender. My eldest son and I are much, much closer, than what me and my daughter are! Me and my eldest has that bond, that I would've thought would form between me and my daughter. I can talk to him about everything under the sun, and he shares his whole life with me. Every detail. He misses me the most from all 3 of them, when they all visit with their grandparents. He hates being away from me, or our house. He loves doing things with me. But, he's still all boy! All into computers and action figures and hates dolls and pink and wishes the new baby is a boy "because girls are just silly". So I'm not worried that he's turning into a homosexual just because he's close to me. He still have a very close bond with his dad as well.

On the other hand, I have my beautiful, gorgeous little girl who I've prayed for so so very hard. And she's been the most difficult little thing you can imagine! She's been to so many therapysts and phsycologists. She throws tantrums, she's had surgeries and she has a long list of medical issues. I love her to bits. But talking to her is like rubbing 2 prickly pears against each other. It's just...difficult. Not easy-going like with my eldest. She's a loving, caring, wonderful person, and I have no qualms that she's going to turn into a beautiful young lady one day. But her personality isn't the easiest to get along with. She's hard-core. Determined. Stubborn. I sincerely believe that God made her this way, so that she'll be able to cope with all the hard things life has thrown at her. But that's a whole different story.

I hope you'll have this beautiful relationship you're longing for, with one of your boys, like I do. It can be done!!

 

[Guppy051708]

But her personality isn't the easiest to get along with. She's hard-core. Determined. Stubborn. I sincerely believe that God made her this way, so that she'll be able to cope with all the hard things life has thrown at her. But that's a whole different story.

I swear you just described DS1 LOL

& that was beautiful, what you said.

 

[makeawishx]

Just feeling like I need to be honest with someone

I remember a time when I was horrified that anyone could have a preference for one gender over another. I lost my first baby at 12 weeks, and I felt totally repulsed when friends would casually mention how they wanted a girl or a boy. How could they be so selfish?

When I got pregnant again, I didn't allow myself to think about the gender very much. I didn't like the fact that I was secretly wishing for a girl. When I found out at my 17 week ultrasound that I was expecting a boy, I felt crushed. This was supposed to be a happy moment. My husband teared up and squeezed my hand. There was a look of pure joy on his face, and I hated myself because I just felt terrified.

I grew up with sisters and never really pictured myself with a son. I was scared that I didn't know how to parent a boy or really connect with him. My MIL (who had 3 boys) always talks about how boys leave their families and how much she wishes she had a daughter. My own mother, who had 3 girls, talks about how wonderful it was and how she never wished for anything different. Clearly, my family would have preferred a girl, and I felt like a disappointment.

I held it together until that evening, when my husband caught me having a little cry. The guilt was terrible. How could I be disappointed in this baby I'd wanted for so long? Things improved over the coming weeks, and while I still looked wistfully over at the little girl's clothing sometimes, I was genuinely excited to meet my baby.

The months after my son's birth were really rough. Blame it on colic, reflux, whatever... he was a very unhappy baby. He did nothing but scream and puke and for the first 3-4 months, and it took me quite a while to bond with him. I found feeding very difficult, and I was resentful that I was missing out on what I perceived the "normal" experience to be. The first year was filled with other struggles (my son had surgery, there were lots of family issues with my MIL, and my son was a terrible sleeper). I knew it was ridiculous, but I found myself thinking that things would be different if he were a girl, and I started longing for another baby.

I was desperate to have a girl next, and I read all kinds of information on gender swaying. I convinced my husband to start trying a bit earlier than we'd planned (not by much, but still earlier). I followed all the gender swaying "rules" and was shocked when I got pregnant the first month of trying. This meant that when I returned to work from maternity leave, I had to work a lot more than we'd originally planned (I haven't had a day off with my husband in the last 6 months so I can qualify for another maternity leave). I've had to let go of a lot of my breastfeeding goals and just let nature decide, which has been hard because I'm very much a type A control freak. Still, I knew it would all be worth it to have my perfect boy+girl family.

When I found out at 19 weeks that I was expecting another boy, I sunk into a depression and still haven't found my way out (I'm now 35 weeks). I'm ashamed to type this. I really haven't enjoyed the pregnancy experience this time around. I don't feel particularly bonded to this baby, and I don't feel very much hope that this will happen automatically when he's born because it was a difficult journey with my son. I can't bring myself to do many of the things that I did to prepare for my first son. I started making a baby blanket, but haven't made much progress. I've bought a few baby items, but I feel resentful and sad each time, not excited. I didn't enjoy the 3D ultrasound because it dashed my hopes that maybe the first ultrasound tech was wrong. I felt like I was looking at someone else's baby. I started a pregnancy journal when I first found out I was pregnant, but I stopped writing in it and eventually just threw it away because I can't imagine that my son will be interested in my pregnancy experience. I went for maternity photos this week, and I kept thinking that this wasn't an experience that I will feel proud remembering.

For me, it really isn't about the cute outfits and princess dolls and headbands. I want to feel that I have something to contribute to my children's lives as they grow, and I worry that I won't have much of a connection with my sons. It's not that I'll have nothing to contribute, just less. Nobody goes to their mother in law with baby questions or to pick out a wedding dress, and I assume that my sons will go their father for help and advice over me I won't be able to pass down wisdom and experience because it won't apply to my sons and my daughter in law's will be much more interested in their own mother's experiences. I'm going to miss out on that mother-daughter bond, and it's going to be lonely.

I haven't told anyone that we're expecting a boy because I don't feel ready to act happy about it. When I had my first son, it seemed that all my friends were also having boys. This time around, they're all proudly announcing that they're on team pink, and I'm overcome with jealousy. I feel that I must be too "unfeminine" to have a daughter, and I'm ashamed. I'm scared of the "told you so" attitude I know I'm going to get from my MIL.

I keep hoping that I'm going to overcome this before my son is born, but I'm running out of time. I'm still struggling. The guilt is even worse than the disappointment. It's getting a bit easier as the due date nears, but I don't feel the way I want to feel. I keep reminding myself how wonderful it will be for my son to grow up with a brother, and I'm really starting to believe it some days. I believe that the universe has a better plan for my family than I could have come up with on my own, and I know that this child is going to bring something amazing to my life that I can't see just yet. I just hope I see it soon.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading I just needed to be honest with someone.

Try not to feel too much resentment cos last year I couldn't accept I was pg cos it wasn't planned and i was convinced there was something wrong with the baby cos of my age. I went on to give birth to my sleeping baby boy and the guilt was much worse than the loss. My baby girl was a nightmare with colic for months and didnt sleep, got so bad me and other half nearly broke up. She wouldnt breastfeed and my little boy was great at feeding and he has a much better sense of humour and relates really well with other males and flirts with the ladies and he is so funny, just enjoy cos you never know what tomorrow brings. Good excuse to have more kiddies xx

 

[SabrinaKat]

It might make you feel better to know that I DO go to my MIL for advice as my own mum is back in the States? That I showed her my wedding dress beforehand and that even though she has some depression problems (posted elsewhere) that I feel that she was/is a great mum (after all, she raised my husband) -- I understand how you feel as I always wanted and dreamed of a little girl, but my one and only is a little boy and sometimes when he is screaming, I wonder if a little girl would be the same. You know what, probably they would be!

I don't know if you ever watched the TV show, 'Malcolm in the Middle', but there was a great episode where the mother dreamed that her boys were all girls and to begin with, all was well, but then, it turned into a nightmare!

I was also wondering reading your post whether part of the problem -- excuse me if my comment is inappropriate -- that it wasn't your little boy per se, but rather the challenges that he presented as a baby and maybe you were also suffering from PND? That can colour any type of interaction with baby, regardless of sex.....

best wishes

 

[lori]

Thanks for your replies, it's very helpful to hear that there are others struggling with the same feelings.

Sabrinakat, you're absolutely right, I think that a lot of my worries stem from the fact that my son was NOT an easy baby. I know a girl could be just as hard, but in my head, it's worse because he's a boy. I'm really scared of repeating that experience, and finding out that #2 is also a boy made me feel like it was all going to happen again. I question whether I did have PND with my son and have mentioned it to my doctor (I mentioned it in the early months with my son, but wasn't really taken seriously), so hopefully I will find better support if I face the same struggles this time around.

 

[makeawishx]

Well ladies, we are lucky to be given the chance to be mums!! What a wonderfully underestimated job with payment in smiles and cuddles, most mums that try their best think they aren't good mothers because they put too much pressure on themselves and believe that others are coping much better and the rubbish mums think they are brill! lol I found my boys much more affectionate than my girl and the one thing they all have in common is ....they can all pick up on your feelings of tiredness and generally feeling rubbish and that is when they torture you.

 

[Adela Quested]

I wanted to chime in that my MIL is also a mother of three boys and she is close to all of them, especially to my partner (oldest) and his youngest brother. She and I are not super-close, mostly because we have different native languages (I am English-speaking and she is Dutch, which is my second language). But she is absolutely lovely and I wanted her to be at the birth of my son ... my own mother and I are not close and anyway she lives in another country.

My partner speaks to his mother on the phone at least several times a week. He is close to both his parents but I think probably closer to his mother. I rarely speak to either of my parents and I have a very bad relationship with my own mother. On the other hand I see my MIL regularly and we have a lot of laughs.

My point is that you can't be sure exactly how things will work out - I know the stereotype is that sons are closer to fathers and daughters are closer to mothers, but it's not always the case. Of course your feelings are totally valid, but I think it's important to realise that you can't predict the future and you never know, you might be like my MIL and be asked to be present at the birth of a grandchild I wanted to have my MIL there as I knew I would find it reassuring ... on the other hand I would have paid good money to have my mother stay far far away!

My 'poor' MIL now has not only three sons but three healthy grandsons ... I don't know if she was hoping for a girl somewhere in there but it hasn't happened ... yet!

 

[makeawishx]

hi adela quested, notice no one appears to answer your post, i find people tend to come in here to vent their feelings and very rarely reply unless you tell them they are totally right and give them lots of hugs and sympathy. Life is good sometimes but sometimes its rubbish, thats just the way it is!!! you only find the odd person who actually reads your posts and replies! lol

 

[Missy86]

I wanted to chime in that my MIL is also a mother of three boys and she is close to all of them, especially to my partner (oldest) and his youngest brother. She and I are not super-close, mostly because we have different native languages (I am English-speaking and she is Dutch, which is my second language). But she is absolutely lovely and I wanted her to be at the birth of my son ... my own mother and I are not close and anyway she lives in another country.

My partner speaks to his mother on the phone at least several times a week. He is close to both his parents but I think probably closer to his mother. I rarely speak to either of my parents and I have a very bad relationship with my own mother. On the other hand I see my MIL regularly and we have a lot of laughs.

My point is that you can't be sure exactly how things will work out - I know the stereotype is that sons are closer to fathers and daughters are closer to mothers, but it's not always the case. Of course your feelings are totally valid, but I think it's important to realise that you can't predict the future and you never know, you might be like my MIL and be asked to be present at the birth of a grandchild I wanted to have my MIL there as I knew I would find it reassuring ... on the other hand I would have paid good money to have my mother stay far far away!

My 'poor' MIL now has not only three sons but three healthy grandsons ... I don't know if she was hoping for a girl somewhere in there but it hasn't happened ... yet!

That happened to my MIL, had three boys and 4 grandsons
At least we know what to do with boys in our family lol

 

[Adela Quested]

hi adela quested, notice no one appears to answer your post, i find people tend to come in here to vent their feelings and very rarely reply unless you tell them they are totally right and give them lots of hugs and sympathy. Life is good sometimes but sometimes its rubbish, thats just the way it is!!! you only find the odd person who actually reads your posts and replies! lol

I don't really get your point I'm afraid. I post to support the OP, not to get a reply.

 

[Mummy2B21]

hi adela quested, notice no one appears to answer your post, i find people tend to come in here to vent their feelings and very rarely reply unless you tell them they are totally right and give them lots of hugs and sympathy. Life is good sometimes but sometimes its rubbish, thats just the way it is!!! you only find the odd person who actually reads your posts and replies! lol

Lmao. That is the weirdest thing I've ever read, she did get a reply, and people post on this support thread to give support not replys so so odd..

Huge hugs to OP xxx

 

[makeawishx]

I think my point has been made you say something and because someone agrees they thank you. I personally think people come on here to moan and not really give or take advice and then again this being a mainly american website explains that, I have only found one or two people on here to be supportive and rest yo be full of tripe!! Enjoy talking to yourselves, I on the otherhand have a life and all the support i need, goodbye xx

 

[Arcanegirl]

Funny you say that since this site was created in the UK and for many years had prominently UK based members.
This section maybe isnt for you makeawish...people here dont need to hear "we are lucky to be given the chance to be mums" This is the gender dissapointment support and comments like that arent supportive.

 

[lori]

Whoa! Sorry girls, not sure what happened here. Thanks for your reply Adela Quested, I appreciate hearing stories about moms who have good relationships with their adult sons. Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings by not replying, I've been trying to keep my distance a bit as my due date approaches. This pregnancy hasn't been a very good experience, but I'm getting excited and hopeful as the big day gets closer, and I didn't want to ruin this good vibe by thinking about gender disappointment again. I've cried so much during this pregnancy, and I've reached a point where I just want to be done grieving and start celebrating my new son. Again, I really appreciate all the kind replies, it helps to know that there are others struggling with the same issues. I'm sure I'll be back here, but for the moment, I'm just trying to focus on the good things happening in my life.

One week to go until my little boy is due!!