lori
Mom to Simon & Oliver
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- May 7, 2009
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Just feeling like I need to be honest with someone
I remember a time when I was horrified that anyone could have a preference for one gender over another. I lost my first baby at 12 weeks, and I felt totally repulsed when friends would casually mention how they wanted a girl or a boy. How could they be so selfish?
When I got pregnant again, I didn't allow myself to think about the gender very much. I didn't like the fact that I was secretly wishing for a girl. When I found out at my 17 week ultrasound that I was expecting a boy, I felt crushed. This was supposed to be a happy moment. My husband teared up and squeezed my hand. There was a look of pure joy on his face, and I hated myself because I just felt terrified.
I grew up with sisters and never really pictured myself with a son. I was scared that I didn't know how to parent a boy or really connect with him. My MIL (who had 3 boys) always talks about how boys leave their families and how much she wishes she had a daughter. My own mother, who had 3 girls, talks about how wonderful it was and how she never wished for anything different. Clearly, my family would have preferred a girl, and I felt like a disappointment.
I held it together until that evening, when my husband caught me having a little cry. The guilt was terrible. How could I be disappointed in this baby I'd wanted for so long? Things improved over the coming weeks, and while I still looked wistfully over at the little girl's clothing sometimes, I was genuinely excited to meet my baby.
The months after my son's birth were really rough. Blame it on colic, reflux, whatever... he was a very unhappy baby. He did nothing but scream and puke and for the first 3-4 months, and it took me quite a while to bond with him. I found feeding very difficult, and I was resentful that I was missing out on what I perceived the "normal" experience to be. The first year was filled with other struggles (my son had surgery, there were lots of family issues with my MIL, and my son was a terrible sleeper). I knew it was ridiculous, but I found myself thinking that things would be different if he were a girl, and I started longing for another baby.
I was desperate to have a girl next, and I read all kinds of information on gender swaying. I convinced my husband to start trying a bit earlier than we'd planned (not by much, but still earlier). I followed all the gender swaying "rules" and was shocked when I got pregnant the first month of trying. This meant that when I returned to work from maternity leave, I had to work a lot more than we'd originally planned (I haven't had a day off with my husband in the last 6 months so I can qualify for another maternity leave). I've had to let go of a lot of my breastfeeding goals and just let nature decide, which has been hard because I'm very much a type A control freak. Still, I knew it would all be worth it to have my perfect boy+girl family.
When I found out at 19 weeks that I was expecting another boy, I sunk into a depression and still haven't found my way out (I'm now 35 weeks). I'm ashamed to type this. I really haven't enjoyed the pregnancy experience this time around. I don't feel particularly bonded to this baby, and I don't feel very much hope that this will happen automatically when he's born because it was a difficult journey with my son. I can't bring myself to do many of the things that I did to prepare for my first son. I started making a baby blanket, but haven't made much progress. I've bought a few baby items, but I feel resentful and sad each time, not excited. I didn't enjoy the 3D ultrasound because it dashed my hopes that maybe the first ultrasound tech was wrong. I felt like I was looking at someone else's baby. I started a pregnancy journal when I first found out I was pregnant, but I stopped writing in it and eventually just threw it away because I can't imagine that my son will be interested in my pregnancy experience. I went for maternity photos this week, and I kept thinking that this wasn't an experience that I will feel proud remembering.
For me, it really isn't about the cute outfits and princess dolls and headbands. I want to feel that I have something to contribute to my children's lives as they grow, and I worry that I won't have much of a connection with my sons. It's not that I'll have nothing to contribute, just less. Nobody goes to their mother in law with baby questions or to pick out a wedding dress, and I assume that my sons will go their father for help and advice over me I won't be able to pass down wisdom and experience because it won't apply to my sons and my daughter in law's will be much more interested in their own mother's experiences. I'm going to miss out on that mother-daughter bond, and it's going to be lonely.
I haven't told anyone that we're expecting a boy because I don't feel ready to act happy about it. When I had my first son, it seemed that all my friends were also having boys. This time around, they're all proudly announcing that they're on team pink, and I'm overcome with jealousy. I feel that I must be too "unfeminine" to have a daughter, and I'm ashamed. I'm scared of the "told you so" attitude I know I'm going to get from my MIL.
I keep hoping that I'm going to overcome this before my son is born, but I'm running out of time. I'm still struggling. The guilt is even worse than the disappointment. It's getting a bit easier as the due date nears, but I don't feel the way I want to feel. I keep reminding myself how wonderful it will be for my son to grow up with a brother, and I'm really starting to believe it some days. I believe that the universe has a better plan for my family than I could have come up with on my own, and I know that this child is going to bring something amazing to my life that I can't see just yet. I just hope I see it soon.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading I just needed to be honest with someone.
I remember a time when I was horrified that anyone could have a preference for one gender over another. I lost my first baby at 12 weeks, and I felt totally repulsed when friends would casually mention how they wanted a girl or a boy. How could they be so selfish?
When I got pregnant again, I didn't allow myself to think about the gender very much. I didn't like the fact that I was secretly wishing for a girl. When I found out at my 17 week ultrasound that I was expecting a boy, I felt crushed. This was supposed to be a happy moment. My husband teared up and squeezed my hand. There was a look of pure joy on his face, and I hated myself because I just felt terrified.
I grew up with sisters and never really pictured myself with a son. I was scared that I didn't know how to parent a boy or really connect with him. My MIL (who had 3 boys) always talks about how boys leave their families and how much she wishes she had a daughter. My own mother, who had 3 girls, talks about how wonderful it was and how she never wished for anything different. Clearly, my family would have preferred a girl, and I felt like a disappointment.
I held it together until that evening, when my husband caught me having a little cry. The guilt was terrible. How could I be disappointed in this baby I'd wanted for so long? Things improved over the coming weeks, and while I still looked wistfully over at the little girl's clothing sometimes, I was genuinely excited to meet my baby.
The months after my son's birth were really rough. Blame it on colic, reflux, whatever... he was a very unhappy baby. He did nothing but scream and puke and for the first 3-4 months, and it took me quite a while to bond with him. I found feeding very difficult, and I was resentful that I was missing out on what I perceived the "normal" experience to be. The first year was filled with other struggles (my son had surgery, there were lots of family issues with my MIL, and my son was a terrible sleeper). I knew it was ridiculous, but I found myself thinking that things would be different if he were a girl, and I started longing for another baby.
I was desperate to have a girl next, and I read all kinds of information on gender swaying. I convinced my husband to start trying a bit earlier than we'd planned (not by much, but still earlier). I followed all the gender swaying "rules" and was shocked when I got pregnant the first month of trying. This meant that when I returned to work from maternity leave, I had to work a lot more than we'd originally planned (I haven't had a day off with my husband in the last 6 months so I can qualify for another maternity leave). I've had to let go of a lot of my breastfeeding goals and just let nature decide, which has been hard because I'm very much a type A control freak. Still, I knew it would all be worth it to have my perfect boy+girl family.
When I found out at 19 weeks that I was expecting another boy, I sunk into a depression and still haven't found my way out (I'm now 35 weeks). I'm ashamed to type this. I really haven't enjoyed the pregnancy experience this time around. I don't feel particularly bonded to this baby, and I don't feel very much hope that this will happen automatically when he's born because it was a difficult journey with my son. I can't bring myself to do many of the things that I did to prepare for my first son. I started making a baby blanket, but haven't made much progress. I've bought a few baby items, but I feel resentful and sad each time, not excited. I didn't enjoy the 3D ultrasound because it dashed my hopes that maybe the first ultrasound tech was wrong. I felt like I was looking at someone else's baby. I started a pregnancy journal when I first found out I was pregnant, but I stopped writing in it and eventually just threw it away because I can't imagine that my son will be interested in my pregnancy experience. I went for maternity photos this week, and I kept thinking that this wasn't an experience that I will feel proud remembering.
For me, it really isn't about the cute outfits and princess dolls and headbands. I want to feel that I have something to contribute to my children's lives as they grow, and I worry that I won't have much of a connection with my sons. It's not that I'll have nothing to contribute, just less. Nobody goes to their mother in law with baby questions or to pick out a wedding dress, and I assume that my sons will go their father for help and advice over me I won't be able to pass down wisdom and experience because it won't apply to my sons and my daughter in law's will be much more interested in their own mother's experiences. I'm going to miss out on that mother-daughter bond, and it's going to be lonely.
I haven't told anyone that we're expecting a boy because I don't feel ready to act happy about it. When I had my first son, it seemed that all my friends were also having boys. This time around, they're all proudly announcing that they're on team pink, and I'm overcome with jealousy. I feel that I must be too "unfeminine" to have a daughter, and I'm ashamed. I'm scared of the "told you so" attitude I know I'm going to get from my MIL.
I keep hoping that I'm going to overcome this before my son is born, but I'm running out of time. I'm still struggling. The guilt is even worse than the disappointment. It's getting a bit easier as the due date nears, but I don't feel the way I want to feel. I keep reminding myself how wonderful it will be for my son to grow up with a brother, and I'm really starting to believe it some days. I believe that the universe has a better plan for my family than I could have come up with on my own, and I know that this child is going to bring something amazing to my life that I can't see just yet. I just hope I see it soon.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading I just needed to be honest with someone.