Hello
:wave: ... I think this thread is a fabulous idea!!! Thank you for starting it.
I am very active on another thread that started in Spring of last year ... where the majority of the ladies have in the meantime either had their babies / are getting pregnant ... and as you all say : I am thrilled for them ... really - no-one understands the pain of it not working better than us, who have had multiple failures.
I would love to join you on here, if that is OK?
My history is in my signature, summarised - but I will write it down for you...
As soon as we were married in October 2010, we started trying for a baby. After a few months, I started with the OPKs (DH was always sweet, wanting to know if we had a smiley face)
... and after a couple of months with those, I got the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (which, incidentally, I love) ... and DH started asking "do we have an egg?" (Still asks to this day *lol*)! I also started BBT testing. And I love charting! Even in the months when I know we can't expect pregnancy, I love knowing when I am ovulating and - even better - knowing when I am getting my period!! Just love that!
Sooo... I knew that something was wrong, because our timing was right and in May 2011, I trotted off to my Gynaecologist to get checked up. Well, everything came back normal, so I begged DH to get his
tested... He wanted to keep trying and kept saying, I will go next month if it doesn't work... End of August he did finally go and then rang me, heartbroken, with the words "it's my fault". ... Broke my heart to hear that - both because of him and, well, because I started living the nightmare that I had always feared. (I know, so many families have sob stories - mine is not spectacular ... family split up. Father remarried - and one year later I was sent to live with my Mother ... Three years after that, Father and wife adopt two girls... I spend most of my youth and later years travelling back and forth between family, Christmases are not the way I believed they should be ... without one parent... I used to cry and think "some day, I will make it be for my family, for my children, the way a family should be" - and that was my candle of hope in my window - well for going on 25 years now)... I had always been terrified of infertility.
OK - so we had the diagnosis : practically no sperm and what was there was non-motile and with poor morphology. So I wanted to make an appointment with the clinic that my friend had recommended (pregnant both times first try - she said, the clinic is definitely the best in our region, if not the country / Europe) ... First appointment was October 17th (2011) - where the u/s showed that I would respond well to medication and they wanted to try to get some sperm from DH. First with a normal SA, then by giving him something to widen tubes (in case there was a "room" problem) - neither resulted in anything positive and DH was sent to a Urologist for further testing (there was talk of doing a TESE to try to retrieve sperm from the tissue) - but nothing good there. The doctors have no explanation for his - in the meantime diagnosed - Azoospermia (most ever in an SA 250 K ... with 0% motility)... The urologist wanted to try him on Tamoxifen (I was shocked when I heard that, as I associated the medicine with breast cancer patients). The reason for this is - he could find no cause for the Azoospermia - sometimes some was found, sometimes none - he had no guarantee that the part of hte testicles biopsied would provide what we needed .... so ....After 6 weeks of taking the tablets, he provided an SA - and they actually found 13 Mio sperm with 8% motility. They froze 6 straws. I cried with joy - we were onto ICSI and we had something to work with. So in June of last year, I underwent the first stimulation. 14 eggs were retrieved, 12 were mature and 11 fertilised (with fresh sperm!! Not much, but enough for ICSI). 6 were cryogenically frozen on day 1. We transferred two eggs (I think they were both morulae) on day 5 - but BFN. So in July, we did a FET, thawed three eggs ... transferred a beginning blastocyst and a morula on day 5 ... BFN. In August, thawed our last three and transferred all three (I think we had two morulae and one with many cells) on day 5 ... BFN. So next round in September ... retrieved 11 eggs, 10 were mature and 7 fertilised (the fresh sperm wasn't enough, they thawed a straw). Two were frozen right up and two were transferred on day 5 (again a beginning blast and morula) ... BFN. In October another day 5 FET ... BFN. We changed doctors within the clinic and had the new appointment on November 30th. We did a few more tests on me - which showed nothing spectacular, everything normal. But the doctor's suspicion is that we not only have male infertility, but due to my age ... decreasing quality of eggs - because the embryos develop so slowly / poorly... So I started taking additional supplements and we planned to go for it after a three month break. The plan was to stim and take all fertilised eggs to day 5 (in an embryscope) - the doctor said, we want to get pregnant, not have just transfers ...
In February of this year we started stimming (and DH took Tamoxifen again for 6 weeks in the hope that the results would be as mind blowing as in spring 2011 and maybe we could do IMSI instead of pure ICSI - unfortunately, the results weren't good and they were able to use a fresh sample, but not enough for IMSI, only ICSI) ... at retrieval, the doctors were shocked, because they retrieved 23 eggs ... they didn't want to do a fresh transfer because of OHSS-risks. So, when 18 eggs were mature and 15 fertilised, they froze 10 on day one and took 5 to day 5 in the embryoscope. On day 6 we had two blasts which they froze. One of the two looked so beautiful, that I looked at the screen and thought "that's my baby" ...
The doctor also said that there had been some very positive results when doing a transfer a month after doing an endometrial biopsy. So in March, we did the biopsy in preparation for FET in April. ... The 10 day 1 frosties didn't develop that well, so when I went in for my transfer, the doctor said that he had also had one of the blasts thawed that day, and we were transferring three. I looked at the picture and thought "but that's not the pretty one" and said so - he looked in my file and told me, that I was right...
Anyway ... none of the three implanted ... another BFN.
May was a horrific month for me. My Mother was diagnosed at the beginning of the month with lung cancer which had metastasised to the liver - and she was looking at her options (she didn't want to do traditional treatment) ... My paternal Grandmother (who had been sick / dying for a while - I had flown over a couple of weeks before to say "goodbye") died on May 10th. On the 11th, I was at a memorial service for a school buddy, who had passed at the beginning of the year. Granny was buried on May 20th - and on the 22nd, my Stepfather rang that I should come to Budapest - my Mother had max. one month to live. I drove to Budapest on the 25th and started looking after her. Helping sit her up, stand her up, feed her, wash her etc. etc. Her deterioration was so rapid, it was unfathomable. 6 days I had with her. She died early afternoon on May 31st. I was holding her hand as she lost her "death fight". So we buried Mama on June 14th and on the 15th I came home.
... we decided to go for it in the following cycle, so I had another biopsy. The protocol my doctor put me on was a new one. ER was on July 30th - they retrieved 12 eggs, 10 were mature and only 4 fertilised. I went in for transfer on the 4th (two days before my birthday) with an open mind - our eggs never developed well, I did not dare hope. Usually, I was shown the picture of my embryos before clambering up for the transfer .. this time the doctor (not mine) didn't say anything, just got down to business, so I asked how they were. Turned out, we had
two blastocysts - one was even expanding already. ... I promptly said "are you serious" - couldn't believe it. Went back to lie down after the transfer and actually cried a little ... Mama and Granny were looking out for us!
I felt very positive after the transfer and actually felt something! And soon, my boobs were so sore, I knew something good was going on (breasts always get sore in the luteal phase, but this soreness woke me during the night and I loved it!). First blood test 6dp5dt was low HCG but positive ... I was pregnant .... only just ... they weren't sure that implantation had been successful. In the meantime, the breasts weren't hurting as much, I wasn't waking up any more ... I knew that wasn't good. This was confirmed in the second blood test at 9dp5dt - HCG was still up, but going down. A third blood test three days later confirmed - it had been a chemical pregnancy.... and I was heartbroken! Could God really be so cruel, so as to take Granny and Mama in one month ... and then not let this happen?
So - that is where we are now. We have our next doctor's appointment on September 9th. We still have that one blastocyst frozen (the day 6 one). We finally had such perfect embies... (the doctor hadn't wanted to do a fresh transfer, because three days before the ER, my Progesterone was higher than he liked - but we discussed, mentally, I really wanted to go for it - due to my losses - and we hadn't exactly had a good track record with the thawed tries) ...
But I don't want to / can't give up yet. I believe it will work ... we were so close this time ... perhaps it was the trial run?
Oh - I am privately insured and DH is on state health insurance. Here (in Germany) the insurance of the "cause" has to cover. If I were the issue, my insurance would cover everything, all our costs. Because it is DH, they don't pay a cent and DH's insurance covers 50% of his costs (which is practically nothing) - so we are all out of pocket - so with three ICSIs and four FETs - not to mention the monitoring in between - we have paid a small fortune already.
And ... DEs are illegal here, so if we were to go down that route (I would do it - try first with DH's sperm, and if that doesn't work, we DE and donor sperm - but DH isn't too keen on that) we would have to look abroad. DH is coming round to the idea of adoption if all else fails - but there, I am getting old for a baby .... limit is pretty much 35 everywhere and I am 38 - there are exceptions, I have been told ... I don't know.
We are not giving up yet and Natural IVF sounds like a very interesting option, which I will discuss with our doctor in a couple of weeks! Thank you for the article!!
Oh - and the icing on the cake (for my emotional state) : my BIL got married in August last year. Towards the end of the year, they started trying (and even promptly went and got checked out due to our issues - he has quite a huge sperm count and everything perfect with her too). In February, we went out for dinner and she moaned to us about already being fed up with the trying and not having the nerve for it etc. etc. ... few weeks later (just a couple of days after she was out drinking and smoking) BIL rings to tell us that his wife is "a little bit pregnant". ... Irrationality here I come : completely heart-broken and starting to really resent her. Baby is due end of November. Oh and when hearing about my Mother dying from cancer - she says "I worry about my Mother getting sick too" and after our failed attempt in April "our friends ... a lesbian couple, where one has kept trying IUI - aren't being successful, so the other one is going to try now" ... I really was thinking, I don't give a crap right now. Almost could imagine the comment after hearing about our miscarriage "I was really afraid of that too". I know I am being spiteful and mean and hateful and resentful - I am so happy for all my friends, everyone on BNB too when I hear they are pregnant - my colleague, who got married last year - just told me last week that she is pregnant. I am thrilled for her (and she knows about our troubles) ... but my SIL - I don't know - just can't stand her right now.
So ... AQ ... thank you for starting this thread!! I hope it is OK if I would like to join. I really do also feel that even though there are others out there who have to do IVF / ICSI (and that is tough already in itself) - those who have success first or second try just do not get what it feels like to fail again and again and again and again and ....
to everyone on here!!
And one silly question - what is low AMH?
Bubu (Andrea)