tempted to talk to FOB....I'm gonna cry!

[trashit]

so FOB came to visit today;
so he turns up with this stupid bright orange fluffy mohican thing that looks like a bike helmet and his stupid polo neck cream jumper on and his breath stunk, so automatically i felt SICK. He just stared at Jude and was like "omg hes amazing" and shit. it was awkward for first hour, he went to make two brews and for about five pisses to break the awkwardness. We didnt talk about much, i told him how crap the birth went and we just stared at Jude and i fed and changed Jude and that was it. But then just before he had to leave (his dad was hovering around ready to give him a lift back) we started really talking and i told him i dont think its fair for him to not want Jude in the first place, not be there for last 2 months of pregnancy, not see him be born and miss first 3 weeks of his life and then think he can suddenly pop back on in. I dont think he's responsible or mature, he doesnt have his own head screwed on his shoulders so how the hell can he care for a child? I woudlnt trust him with Jude on his own and i feel quite revolted around him, he'll ruin my life by being a part of Jude's as well as probably ruin Jude's. The way he lives isnt sutible for a child to be around, he needs stability and not someone who doesnt know whether he has a job that week or not, is in debt and smokes pot. Im doing really good by myself, ive found myself now and i feel fab without anyone being around, id rather do it alone with just me and Jude than have him lurching around. He needs maturity and people with their heads screwed on. Im not doing it out of spite, if i hated him but knew he was good for him it'd be a different story. Being a dad is so much more than whose blood is in him, its about sharing the nappy changes, baths, feeds, making up the bottles, going to the doctors when hes ill, hugging him better etc. And i know he cant do that. He couldnt even look after his pet rat let alone a baby. Its all very well him coming and looking at the little angel child and saying how gorgeous he is but actually being there is a different story completely.

so in a nutshell. i dont want you to come back and see him again is what i said.,
he said he'll be happy just knowing "he's alive" once a year lol, twat. But he would have really wanted to see him even if it was just "once in a blue moon" i was like; he needs stability not some strange man who pops around every now and then and claims to be dad. If you were responsible enough then you could have him on weekends like my dad did me, but you're NOT. I told him to think about what i'd said with a clear head and then he should understand.

Anyway he had to go after i'd said my bit.
His dad had bought Jude a baby grow that he already has lol and some socks, wit woo but still never came in to see him. Idiot.

So have i done the best thing or will Jude always resent me?
I'm only trying to do whats best for him,
Dan isnt best for him at all. He was saying he still owes credit card god knows how much, hes living in a bedroom of a house with his dickhead friend who takes more drugs than i can count with all my organs, and his job he isnt earning from cos he'll only earn if he sells stuff and he cant lie to people or something :s
please tell me ive done the right thing!!!!!!

 

[trashit]

ive just noticed, Dans dad is such a tool. He's bought some baby bootees (which are first size and will go nowhere near Jude anyway!) But they say 50% mummy on one bootee and 50% daddy on the other, oh god he's such a clever clogs, i could swing for him.

 

[aiimee12345]

wel i think u have dun the right think!! ... what an idiot!! glad u put him in his place!!! ...

& i love ur new pik of jude... such a cutie!!! ...

& as if his dad didnt even come in!!
& he would be happy with seeing him once in a blue moon what the fuk!!! x

 

[lily123]

I think you've definitely done the right thing Ellie!
You hit the nail right on the head there, it takes more than just an ejaculation to make someone a father, they are either 100% involved, or 100% not involved, and he made that choice when he walked out on you when you were 7 months pregnant! What kind of a man does that?! You're doing a fantastic job of raising Jude on your own already and when he's all grown up, he'll know how brave and amazing his mummy was throughout this whole time
xxxx

 

[trashit]

its not like he put up a fight and told me to fuck off if i thought he wasnt seeing Jude and he'd take me to court about it or something, i dont know, im glad he didnt cos its more hassle for me but if it was me i'd have put up a fight. He just said that, and wants to know hes alive cos apparently theres always one person out there willing to hurt you, HE'S SO POSITIVE. i could have swung for him when he said that, of course nothing will happen to Jude, how sick is he?!?! He said he still loves me so its harder for him than i can imagine. He openly admitted the reason he went away was because he was scared and that he didnt want Jude in the first place, he had no control of what went on is what he said. And i know, you'd have thought his dad would have wanted to see his grandson i'm glad he didnt anyway, that would have made things even more awkward. But i just hope i've done right by Jude and that he won't hate me forever for keeping him away. I have done it partly because i want to move on with my life and leave everything thats past in the past including him, and because me and Jude are doing better on our own, but i have also done it for Jude's best interests. I just hope he'll understand that
x

 

[trashit]

aw thankyou
i do hope Jude sees it that way, i know i'd have wanted to know my dad, but maybe thats because i know how good my dad is. Jude really isnt missing out on anything. And you're so right about the 100% there thing, thats exactly what i said to him when he was leaving when i was 7 months pregnant. x

 

[lily123]

Awh mate you HAVE done right by Jude, without a doubt.
I feel so bad for you having to go through all this, you're dealing with it amazingly hun i would have probably curled up in a corner and cried lol but you know how much of a whimp i am xxxxxx

 

[aiimee12345]

ellie your a great mom without him.. u dont need a twat like him!!
my "real" dad cheated on my dad when i was in hospital cus i was premature... so my mom left... and im glad she did! she has been with my step dad since i was 3 and he is like a real dad to me!! iv never seen my "real" dad wel i obviously did when i was born but not like since i can remember! ... and im glad ...

if ur coping on ur own u dont need someone like him!! & im sure Jude wil be proud to call you his mommy ... i would be hehe!! ...

xxx

 

[trashit]

thankyou so much. I've tried my best hehe.
Oh and good thing to come out of it- i got my picture back! I dont know if anyone remembers but he took a picture i had that was my mum and dads when they were together and it meant alot to me, anyway he brought it back for me xxx

 

[aiimee12345]

aww glad u got it back

i cant even believe he was jus like id be happy to see him once in a blue moon!!! omg!! x

 

[sleepinbeauty]

You did the BEST thing you could have! Don't worry too much. I'd have done the same thing in your shoes.

 

[nicholatmn]

I think you did the best you could have for your son. What he said about seeing him every once in a blue moon should be enough to reassure you that it's for the best.

 

[amandad192]

Ok, I'm going to be completely honest with you, you may not like it, but I want you to know I don't mean to sound evil or rude.

My dad cheated on my mum a few times, once with her best mate, and we're currently waiting for the DNA results to come back for the little girl who is 13 years old. She was conceived when my mum was about 8 months pregnant. My nan (mum's side) has always been a controlling evil mind-controlling bitch. She convinced my mum basically to stop him from seeing us, Made up a load of shit about my dad trying it on with my aunt when she was 7 years old etc. We saw my dad in a contact center for a while, then he walked out and left us when he moved to wales to live with his new wife. This was about 9 years ago.
For years I would cry myself to sleep wanting to see my Dad, praying taht one day he would turn up on our doorstep.
about a year and a half ago I found my Dad. My older sister has nothing to do with him. Me and my younger sister were seeing him once every 3 weeks. Things got pretty rough for me at home, I was constantly arguing with my sister, I was terrified to even walk to the shops because I had a few gangs after me (I got into an argument with one girl over absolutely nothing then all her little bitchy mates decided they wanted me dead) I couldn't go out..but I couldn't stay home. I had met a guy that lived near my dad (I met him through my step-mum) and I decided the only way I could be happy would be to go and live with my dad, so I did. Growing up without my Dad was awful. I missed him everyday and often wondered if he was even still alive.

You are a wonderful mum to Jude, But doing it alone just isn't easy. He won't grow up hating you if you decide to cut his daddy out of his life, but he will have ALOT of questions to ask, which you WILL have to answer, and may ask to see his Dad when he's older.
I would suggest you wait a few weeks. Then message Dan on FB again. Tell him he can see Jude once a month on a certain day at a certain time. If he is more than 10 minutes late, he won't be allowed to see his son on that day. If he doesn't turn up, then he won't be allowed to see his son at all.
He could prove you wrong and be an AMAZING dad. Or he could be a useless father who misses the first appointment and never sees his baby again.
Just remember you told him "You know where I am." and he turned up on your doorstep. I really think he does care.

Please for Jude's sake him him a chance to bond and form a relationship. Make it clear it is ONE chance.

I hope I haven't offended you at all. After reading every single post on this thread I thought it was best I tell you my true opinion other than saying "He's a dick, f*** him."

 

[trashit]

I appreciate your opinion, thankyou, the thing i most fear is that he'll grow up to resent me. I just don't see how it would work having him around. He says he doesnt ever have money to get here to come see him anyway as he doesnt really have a job, so it would be a once in a blue moon thing, and like i said he's not responsible enough to have him alone, no way would i let that happen, i wouldnt even leave my dog with him! So everytime he comes sees him i'm gonna have to be there too, and things have gotton so bad between us, its just so darn awkward. He doesn't have a clue what to do with him, when i passed him to him to hold he looked like he was gonna drop him any minute, he sat there dithering, scared the holy shit out of me. I just dont see it working out, he'll destroy my life by being around, i cant stand the sight of him and i want to forget him so much, and he'll destroy Jude's life because he'll have an unhappy mummy and a shithead daddy who doesnt even know what time it is most days. I just, as a mother, want to protect him and i dont want him having to grow up seeing the bullshit his dad does, i grew up around drugs and pissheads and the only break i got was seeing my dad on a weekend, i dont want Jude to ever feel as lonely as i did as a child, i dont want him to be around that crap. Its not like he could grow up a bit and go spend weekends there because Dan lives with his friends who are basically coke heads, and one of them is just a *******. He threatened to "punch me in the stomach to see if i really was pregnant or making it up" and he's a sexist racist homophobic (god everything thats wrong in this world!) pig. I dont want my son within a million miles of him!

 

[amandad192]

I appreciate your opinion, thankyou, the thing i most fear is that he'll grow up to resent me. I just don't see how it would work having him around. He says he doesnt ever have money to get here to come see him anyway as he doesnt really have a job, so it would be a once in a blue moon thing, and like i said he's not responsible enough to have him alone, no way would i let that happen, i wouldnt even leave my dog with him! So everytime he comes sees him i'm gonna have to be there too, and things have gotton so bad between us, its just so darn awkward. He doesn't have a clue what to do with him, when i passed him to him to hold he looked like he was gonna drop him any minute, he sat there dithering, scared the holy shit out of me. I just dont see it working out, he'll destroy my life by being around, i cant stand the sight of him and i want to forget him so much, and he'll destroy Jude's life because he'll have an unhappy mummy and a shithead daddy who doesnt even know what time it is most days. I just, as a mother, want to protect him and i dont want him having to grow up seeing the bullshit his dad does, i grew up around drugs and pissheads and the only break i got was seeing my dad on a weekend, i dont want Jude to ever feel as lonely as i did as a child, i dont want him to be around that crap. Its not like he could grow up a bit and go spend weekends there because Dan lives with his friends who are basically coke heads, and one of them is just a *******. He threatened to "punch me in the stomach to see if i really was pregnant or making it up" and he's a sexist racist homophobic (god everything thats wrong in this world!) pig. I dont want my son within a million miles of him!

Whatever you do, he won't resent you at all. He will appreciate you hard work of raising him the best you can. Especially when he gives you grandchildren and realizes how much effort it actually takes to raise a child.

If you want Jude to see his Dad maybe you can arrange it in a contact center? That way if Dan doesn't turn up it's on their records and he can never deny letting his child down.

Who threatened to punch you in the stomach? Dan's friend? OMG, I'd have said yeah go for it if I get to kick your flaming head in when your done!

If you decide you never want him to see Jude, just be prepared for a game of 21 questions when Jude is old enough to understand that all kids have Dads, and wants to know what happened to his? Whatever happens between now and that point, I'd advise you to tell the truth but without bad mouthing Dan, which is difficult, but if you do say anything bad, and Jude forms a relationship with his dad, it may come back and bite you up the backside.

Life really isn't easy when it comes to such decisions like this because you can't predict the future.

I think your best option may be to have a brief conversation with him every now and then, sending him pictures and letting him know how Jude is. Then when Jude is old enough to not need to be catered for 24/7..nappies, bottles etc, then maybe let them bond in a controlled environment, depending on the situation at the time?

 

[futuremommy91]

aw Ellie- you really did do the right thing. maybe one day he'll grow up and want to be a part of his sons life, but for now I think what you said is best. he sounds liike a complete douche!
and... HAPPY 3 WEEKS JUDE!!!

 

[faolan5109]

I appreciate your opinion, thankyou, the thing i most fear is that he'll grow up to resent me. I just don't see how it would work having him around. He says he doesnt ever have money to get here to come see him anyway as he doesnt really have a job, so it would be a once in a blue moon thing, and like i said he's not responsible enough to have him alone, no way would i let that happen, i wouldnt even leave my dog with him! So everytime he comes sees him i'm gonna have to be there too, and things have gotton so bad between us, its just so darn awkward. He doesn't have a clue what to do with him, when i passed him to him to hold he looked like he was gonna drop him any minute, he sat there dithering, scared the holy shit out of me. I just dont see it working out, he'll destroy my life by being around, i cant stand the sight of him and i want to forget him so much, and he'll destroy Jude's life because he'll have an unhappy mummy and a shithead daddy who doesnt even know what time it is most days. I just, as a mother, want to protect him and i dont want him having to grow up seeing the bullshit his dad does, i grew up around drugs and pissheads and the only break i got was seeing my dad on a weekend, i dont want Jude to ever feel as lonely as i did as a child, i dont want him to be around that crap. Its not like he could grow up a bit and go spend weekends there because Dan lives with his friends who are basically coke heads, and one of them is just a *******. He threatened to "punch me in the stomach to see if i really was pregnant or making it up" and he's a sexist racist homophobic (god everything thats wrong in this world!) pig. I dont want my son within a million miles of him!

Dude honestly your son will not resent you. When he is old enough explain it to him why and then i am sure he will be happy about it. When he is old enough he can seek him out on his own if he so choices but honestly I think you are doing the right thing by keeping him away. Esecially if he is hanging with those, honestly can't think of a word to describe them because i can't find a word harsh enough.

 

[trashit]

just wanna say a big thankyou to everyone not really sure what to do right now. I wish i could have chosen a better FOB lol.

 

[faolan5109]

Eh true, but then Jude wouldn't look as adorable as he does!

 

[amandad192]

Eh true, but then Jude wouldn't look as adorable as he does!

I agree there, He may have been just as adorable, but he wouldn't be the same, and I'm sure you wouldn't change him for anything!