Thank yous and appreciation etc - a question

[Abz1982]

Now, this is a weird one.

What sort of appreciation/thanks do you expect from someone if you say...give them a gift just because you want to.

You pay for them to attend something even though they have told you that they CANNOT afford it. What do you expect from then in return?

Do you expect a card from your family every birthday and do you hold it against them if they don't (even if they don't give ANYONE a card - well except kids!).

Would you hold it against someone who didn't get you a card for your wedding even if they wrote in a guest book and also took a long time looking for a very lovely quote to write on your memory stones you decided to do?

Would you feel put out because a person helped others and not you, if those others were in a worse place, mentally or financially, or just were not coping?

Would you be annoyed if on your wedding day your sister gave one of your bridesmaids a gift, not for her, for her new born daughter. If she was someone that they rarely saw?

 

[emyandpotato]

Now, this is a weird one.

What sort of appreciation/thanks do you expect from someone if you say...give them a gift just because you want to.

You pay for them to attend something even though they have told you that they CANNOT afford it. What do you expect from then in return?

Vocal thanks and for them to act appreciative and hopefully be or continue to be a good friend in return. A card or message would be nice but I don't think I'd expect it.

Do you expect a card from your family every birthday and do you hold it against them if they don't (even if they don't give ANYONE a card - well except kids!).

No one gives me birthday cards apart from OH and sometimes my parents so from my siblings and other family nope I would never expect it though it does hurt a little when my siblings don't bother.

Would you hold it against someone who didn't get you a card for your wedding even if they wrote in a guest book and also took a long time looking for a very lovely quote to write on your memory stones you decided to do?

No, I think writing a nice quote on the stones and writing in the guest book is lovely. Again, barely anyone got us a card, let alone a present, for our wedding and only one or two people wrote in the guest book. But they showed up so that's what matters. The only people I was miffed with were the ones who didn't show and didn't even FB message me a congrats, but I think people forget or don't realise now that 'proper etiquette' isn't really a thing.

Would you feel put out because a person helped others and not you, if those others were in a worse place, mentally or financially, or just were not coping?

Certainly not, though if it was someone I depended on, like my mum, and she ignored me entirely or offered me no support or friendship at all simply because she deemed someone else in greater need I'd be gutted.

Would you be annoyed if on your wedding day your sister gave one of your bridesmaids a gift, not for her, for her new born daughter. If she was someone that they rarely saw?

In normal families I imagine this just to be a lovely thought. If any of my sisters did it, however, I'd find it upsetting just because they wouldn't have bothered with me so if they did with someone else I'd be put out.

This is all very mysterious! Hope you're okay

 

[Abz1982]

Yeah, im ok. Just a tad pissed at my sister. Apparently I am an unappreciative heathen....who never thanks her for what she gets the kids (I do though, I also do not expect nor need her to get things).

She said I didn't appreciate how much she spent on her wedding and that not getting her a card was rude. and she accused us of hiding away as she never saw us (I was running about after the kids and getting things for other people whilst in agony with my leg swollen up!)

She had 2 hen dos, and I said to her I could not afford the away one, but she pushed and pushed and said she would pay. In the end I did scrape some cash together but still eneded up spending ££ I didn't have. I then had to borrow £ to go to the home one

I dont give anyone a card - well the kids get one obviously as kids expect them. I do however text or email or put a msg on FB if I am not going to be seeing them. Yes those are not physical things but its the digital age and c'mon...........I manage to do THREE things, yet forget to do ONE and it gets held against me.

She is 30 this year so I am getting her a card for every year up to then to make up for it, possibly if I feel like being a pain I will get her a card for every year up until she is 100!! I was going to vintage cards for the years past but OMG, £10 for a 30 year old rainbow bright card :-o!

 

[emyandpotato]

Yeah, im ok. Just a tad pissed at my sister. Apparently I am an unappreciative heathen....who never thanks her for what she gets the kids (I do though, I also do not expect nor need her to get things).

She said I didn't appreciate how much she spent on her wedding and that not getting her a card was rude. and she accused us of hiding away as she never saw us (I was running about after the kids and getting things for other people whilst in agony with my leg swollen up!)

She had 2 hen dos, and I said to her I could not afford the away one, but she pushed and pushed and said she would pay. In the end I did scrape some cash together but still eneded up spending ££ I didn't have. I then had to borrow £ to go to the home one

I dont give anyone a card - well the kids get one obviously as kids expect them. I do however text or email or put a msg on FB if I am not going to be seeing them. Yes those are not physical things but its the digital age and c'mon...........I manage to do THREE things, yet forget to do ONE and it gets held against me.

She is 30 this year so I am getting her a card for every year up to then to make up for it, possibly if I feel like being a pain I will get her a card for every year up until she is 100!! I was going to vintage cards for the years past but OMG, £10 for a 30 year old rainbow bright card :-o!

Sisters can be willies! All four of mine seriously drive me nuts. She sounds a bit spoilt to me- it's totally reasonable about the hen do and the wedding card; writing in the guest book and on a wedding pebble kind of cancels out the need for a card, what would you even put?!

 

[Eleanor ace]

What sort of appreciation/thanks do you expect from someone if you say...give them a gift just because you want to.
Just the normal thank you they would give for an "occasion" gift- a card, a phone call or a thanks in person, however they would normally say thank you.

You pay for them to attend something even though they have told you that they CANNOT afford it. What do you expect from then in return?
I'd hope to get a big thank you, as long as they actually wanted to attend- I would expect a smack if I'd paid for them to go knowing they didn't want to!

Do you expect a card from your family every birthday and do you hold it against them if they don't (even if they don't give ANYONE a card - well except kids!).
I do expect a card, but that is how I was brought up. If a family member didn't get me a card I'd feel a bit sad but I wouldn' hold it against them.

Would you hold it against someone who didn't get you a card for your wedding even if they wrote in a guest book and also took a long time looking for a very lovely quote to write on your memory stones you decided to do?
I wouldn't hold it against them but I would wonder why they hadn't bothered getting a card, but I probably wouldn't think that they might have spent ages looking for quotes, I think I'd assume they hadn't bothered with a card and then just wrote something suitable on the stones/in the guest book, something they'd grabbed off Google.

Would you feel put out because a person helped others and not you, if those others were in a worse place, mentally or financially, or just were not coping?
No way. It is very petty imo to expect help when I don't need it just because someone else has been given it.

Would you be annoyed if on your wedding day your sister gave one of your bridesmaids a gift, not for her, for her new born daughter. If she was someone that they rarely saw?
No, again that sounds very petty!

 

[Noodlebear]

I actually find many of those things to be quite impersonal and would much rather get in touch with someone in real time than give them a bit of card that they're only going to throw away. I don't get cards from everyone in my family and only a select few get them from me. I think it's pretty silly of your sister to read so much into a wedding card, you were actually there! Surely that's more important.

 

[RaspberryK]

My brother got me a card and present for my birthday in July... Didn't get around to giving it to me so he reused it at Christmas. I was not offended in the slightest and I would never hold that against him and not get him anything.
He was there when I needed an emergency scan and I had no lift or babysitter, sat with me for over 2 hours in epau, took ds and me to soft play and lunch after so I wasn't alone after I found out I'd had a mmc. I doubt i said thank you to him then, i think i was too out of it but i hope he knows how much i love him for it and that I'll do anything i can to help him in the future.
That's what family is about, not cards and petty things.
Xx

 

[Lauraxamy]

What sort of appreciation/thanks do you expect from someone if you say...give them a gift just because you want to.
I'd expect a thank you, but that's probably it.

You pay for them to attend something even though they have told you that they CANNOT afford it. What do you expect from then in return?
Again a thank you to let me know they've appreciated what I've done.

Do you expect a card from your family every birthday and do you hold it against them if they don't (even if they don't give ANYONE a card - well except kids!).
If they don't give cards out to anyone then no I wouldn't expect one as I guess that's just something they don't do? To be honest, a lot of people forget my birthday as its ten days before Christmas so that's something I'm used to.

Would you hold it against someone who didn't get you a card for your wedding even if they wrote in a guest book and also took a long time looking for a very lovely quote to write on your memory stones you decided to do?
Not really. I wouldn't let it ruin the day or memories of the day.

Would you feel put out because a person helped others and not you, if those others were in a worse place, mentally or financially, or just were not coping?
If those people were worse off than me then, no.

Would you be annoyed if on your wedding day your sister gave one of your bridesmaids a gift, not for her, for her new born daughter. If she was someone that they rarely saw?
Not really, that sounds like it'd be nothing to do with me so it wouldn't bother me.

 

[Bex84]

I don't think you have done anything wrong but I know some people are really obsessive about cards. My mil has to have card on her bday or Christmas and it must not be a day later. She gets very insulted, its stupid over a piece of card. I usually text or phone people on birthdays. I would just ignore. The hen do thing I never get people doing expensive stuff, I wanted just a good evening which was cheap with closest friends. Mind you I'm not a party person, we just had take out, DVDs and girl time which was great for my hen do, we had a laugh. . hope your OK.

 

[Equreuil]

I don't really expect much from anyone, reading these questions.

1 - If I pay for someone to go with me to an event, or even dinner, the most I want is a thank you and some good company during/after. It's on them if they want to reciprocate the gesture when they can afford it, but I don't expect it.

2/3 - I actually don't like greeting cards. I feel like they're a waste and I don't know what to do with them after. I feel like I can't toss them, but I can't display all of them all the time. Frustrating. So for birthdays, I'd rather get a phone call and a conversation. For the wedding thing, I'd be happy with the guestbook and stone thing.

4 -What bothers me more is when someone is helped and then they do nothing to pay it back. Even if it's not specified that repayment is expected, I'd still do it, as a way of showing thanks.

5 - Sounds like it was just a convenient time to give her the gift for her daughter, if they don't see each other often. Wouldn't have bothered me.

 

[jd83]

What sort of appreciation/thanks do you expect from someone if you say...give them a gift just because you want to.

I don't expect anything more than a verbal thank you. If I bought them a gift because I wanted to, that's just a random act of kindness. It doesn't require some special thanks on their part, unless they feel that's necessary, but that's on them how they address thanks.

You pay for them to attend something even though they have told you that they CANNOT afford it. What do you expect from then in return?
I would at a minimum expect a verbal thank you. If it were me, I'd probably send a thank you card. I keep a box of blank thank you cards for random thank you's and postage to send a card is cheap. Or you can give it in person. The box of cards was only a few dollars, and has plenty of cards for random events like this that happen.
Do you expect a card from your family every birthday and do you hold it against them if they don't (even if they don't give ANYONE a card - well except kids!).
Most of my family do not send cards for birthdays or any holidays. Most of them cannot afford to, as they need all of their money for their own family. I am totally fine with that. They call, text, or FB a happy birthday, or whatever the occasion, and that is plenty good enough to me. I would never hold it against someone that they didn't go out an purchase an actual card; that's pretty petty.
Would you hold it against someone who didn't get you a card for your wedding even if they wrote in a guest book and also took a long time looking for a very lovely quote to write on your memory stones you decided to do?
No, I can't imagine being so bothered by a card. The point is that the person was at your celebration, was there for you, and put time and thought into writing a nice quote. I can't even imagine actually going through all the cards to pick out who specifically did NOT get me a card?
Would you feel put out because a person helped others and not you, if those others were in a worse place, mentally or financially, or just were not coping?
This is a tough one. I face this all the time, as DH and I are much more well off than the rest of my family. My mom helps my sister and brother out all the time financially, which is not the problem I have at all. I am glad that she does, so that my nieces and nephews can have nice things that my siblings can't afford for them on their own. In fact, I do the same too. I frequently give them clothes and toys that we no longer use for their kids. My problem is the time spent with them all the time, and rarely ever with my kids. I wish my kids got a 1/4 of the time that my nieces and nephews get with her.
Would you be annoyed if on your wedding day your sister gave one of your bridesmaids a gift, not for her, for her new born daughter. If she was someone that they rarely saw?
Absolutely not. That seems pretty petty too, to be concerned about a gift for a baby on your wedding day? I actually just did the same at a wedding for my cousin last week. I brought gifts for my cousin's baby, my sister's kids, and brother's son, because I really don't get to see them that often and it was convenient to give them while they were all there. I would hope the bride hadn't been offended by that!


In response to cards, I tend to buy a bunch of random cards all at one time from Dollar Tree or Dollar general, where they are 2/$1. I keep them all in a drawer so I can just pull out whatever card I need for an occasion. Cards don't have to be $4-5 cards to be meaningful. I would hope people aren't judging a card by the price on the back, when the point is the thought of even getting a card, if the giver decides to give a card.

 

[Equreuil]

Would you feel put out because a person helped others and not you, if those others were in a worse place, mentally or financially, or just were not coping?
This is a tough one. I face this all the time, as DH and I are much more well off than the rest of my family. My mom helps my sister and brother out all the time financially, which is not the problem I have at all. I am glad that she does, so that my nieces and nephews can have nice things that my siblings can't afford for them on their own. In fact, I do the same too. I frequently give them clothes and toys that we no longer use for their kids. My problem is the time spent with them all the time, and rarely ever with my kids. I wish my kids got a 1/4 of the time that my nieces and nephews get with her.

It's like this with my husband's sisters. We're not that well off, but I manage our finances very well so we rarely need to borrow money. His sisters, on the other hand... One can't seem to hold a job and has terrible spending habits (all brand name at the grocery, adores Rent-a-Center). The other just always seems to have a string of legit bad luck and random extra expenses, but seems to finally getting back on her feet. My MIL keeps track of everything they do to help (like paying bills and rent, not stuff like gifts for the kids), and neither ever seems to pay anything back when they do have money. That's what bothers me - they know they owe their mom and just ignore it.

We owe MIL a bit as well, but I fork over some $ every month.

 

[jd83]

Would you feel put out because a person helped others and not you, if those others were in a worse place, mentally or financially, or just were not coping?
This is a tough one. I face this all the time, as DH and I are much more well off than the rest of my family. My mom helps my sister and brother out all the time financially, which is not the problem I have at all. I am glad that she does, so that my nieces and nephews can have nice things that my siblings can't afford for them on their own. In fact, I do the same too. I frequently give them clothes and toys that we no longer use for their kids. My problem is the time spent with them all the time, and rarely ever with my kids. I wish my kids got a 1/4 of the time that my nieces and nephews get with her.

It's like this with my husband's sisters. We're not that well off, but I manage our finances very well so we rarely need to borrow money. His sisters, on the other hand... One can't seem to hold a job and has terrible spending habits (all brand name at the grocery, adores Rent-a-Center). The other just always seems to have a string of legit bad luck and random extra expenses, but seems to finally getting back on her feet. My MIL keeps track of everything they do to help (like paying bills and rent, not stuff like gifts for the kids), and neither ever seems to pay anything back when they do have money. That's what bothers me - they know they owe their mom and just ignore it.

We owe MIL a bit as well, but I fork over some $ every month.

My brother and sister don't even bother keeping track of help given, as they have no intention of ever paying anyone back. Honestly, they just literally can't afford to even think about paying people back, as they struggle that much to keep up with things. I guess it comes down to expectations, too. None of us who help them have ever expected repayment, as we know they can't afford it, they need their money to keep up with bills. It's hard, because at some points I feel like giving handouts is enabling the problem, but on the other hand, they literally are in need, and they have children we also need to think about. We can't let the children be suffering because their parents don't make enough money to always get by. Most of the time, they make do and pay what is needed, but certain times of the year bills are much higher (winter heating, summer air conditioning. I don't really think either are optional where we live. It gets extremely cold and extremely hot).

I think given your situation, though, when your in laws know they owe the mom with expectations to repay it back, its pretty awful to make no effort at all to do so.

 

[Abz1982]

Well, we had a massive blow up and then slept on it and went to the play barn like nothing had happened.....................So I am not 100% sure I was the reason, I just was the monkey that pushed the button.