The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[fides]

awww, huge

you're certainly not alone! i'm sorry you're going through all that - it's hard. You are NOT a failure!!

If it helps, I wanted to let you know that you've already given your precious baby all the antibodies you can to protect from things like the flu from your placenta. The antibodies from breastmilk do help with gastro-intestinal tract viruses/stomach bugs as the milk passes through that system, but for primates, antibodies are not absorbed into the bloodstream from milk. I don't know if this info will help, but it certainly did for me, and so did Joan Wolf's book "Is Breast Best?" which looks closely at a lot of the research out there that is used to push the "Breast is best" agenda.

hang in there

 

[Skyler2014]

My son seemed to latch fine the first time he fed but the next few days it was extremely painful and resulted in cracked, bleeding nipples.I was literally biting my lip in pain every time I fed him. I got help from a nurse and he seemed to be doing fine. He was sucking and swallowing and the pain went away but he just kept losing weight. I fought ff for 2 and a half weeks. I tried pumping but couldn't get more than 1/4 oz to 1/2 oz at a time and I could only do that about once a day because he was eating all the time so I didn't have time to pump. Finally at his doctor's appointment at 2 weekshe was a pound under his birth weight so I finally agreed to formula. He only said we had to give him one serving of formula a day but after seeing the difference it made I realized he really wasn't getting enough from my breasts. I'm still trying to breast feed but he feeds for an hour on the breasts and is still hungry so I get frustrated and find myself making him 2 or 3 bottles a day. I'm still trying to pump but would rather bottle feed him breast milk than bf for 2 reasons. 1, I can physically see how much he's getting and 2, he squirm and tugs on my nipples and rips himself off instead of letting go gently. But I feel guilty giving up bf completely because my step-mom goes on and on about how much she loved bf my brother and what a wonderful experience it was. I feel bad because I don't love it. It hurts when he latches and when he squirms around plus he roots around so much even after I've been feeding him for an hour that I feel like he's starving. He also spits up or throws up his formula a lot but I think that's probably a matter of getting him to slow down

 

[fides]

 

[Doodlebug88]

I have been bf my lo for 6 days now and am dreading each feed as my nipples are so sore and cracked. He takes a while to latch on sometimes which makes it worse. For this reason I am
considering ff. I feel guilty about this though as I know he is getting enough from me as had only lost a little from his birth weight and is doing good dirty and wet nappies. I think if bf wasn't pushed at being the best from the start it would make the decision easier to make.

 

[Smiler82]

It is hard. I actually really hated bfing as I was so sore and it hurt the entire feed. Then when DS started feeding every hour I couldn't cope. But the decision was so hard and I cried over it for a long time. Even now it is a slightly touchy subject for me but I feel less bad than I did.

Have you had any support? The HV or midwife? Around where I live we also have a BF support service who called me a lot and sent someone round. She was lovely but not an awful lot of help, I have to say! But if you haven't had much support it would be worth calling someone if you can. He could have an issue such as tongue tie, making it hard for him to latch on?

Ultimately you BOTH have to be happy and if you decide FF is the way to go, then that's totally fine. I think it's really important to consider how BFing is making you feel as you always get told how it is a great way to bond with your baby, but that isn't always the case. If it's painful, stressful etc then it's not necessarily the best thing.

 

[moose31]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 19 weeks. I started chemo therapy and have been advised that breastfeeding is not safe....I am so disappointed.....

 

[daddiesgift]

Im so sorry Moose. I cant even imagine.

 

[steph.]

Moose I am so sorry. Breast isn't always best, and in this situation the best thing you can do for your baby is concentrate on getting better. Your baby will be fine on formula and once you see your healthy baby thriving you will realise that breastfeeding isn't that important afterall. Big hugs xxx

 

[fides]

oh my goodness, moose - so sorry.

 

[moose31]

Thanx. I think it's just gonna take time to accept it. Everything from what I envision ed for birth is just so different feels out of my control... I was hoping I would be far enough out from chemo to breastfeed but they are inducing me at 36 weeks.last dose of chemo is @ 33weeks then restarting next drug 2 weeks later. They said fertility could definitely be effected but we may ttc before again before I have to remove ovaries (I found out I have brca 1 gene= Inc risk for ovarian cancer)...but I am having double mastectomy once chemo is complete so no chances of breastfeeding a second baby.

 

[MumMumMum]

So sorry Moose. It hurts now but as time goes by it will get better. When you see you can't tell how a baby was fed it doesn't seem so bad.

I only feel down now when my SIL brings it up. Mostly I have accepted that it didn't work for us. My girls are amazing and we are so close. I can't imagine that it would have been any different if bf had worked.

Hope it all goes well for you x

 

[fides]

awww, moose - my heart goes out to you.

 

[Cjg85]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels like this! I feel like I failed, my little girl couldn't latch on, I tried everything. I feel the 'support' in hospital was utter rubbish everyone tells you something different! I expressed for 2 weeks but couldn't get enough so was topping her up with formula. I remember one night I expressed for an hour and a half and then knocked it over I just sat there and cried. My husband supported me with everything but no one understands how I feel. It's the comments of 'oh did you not bother to breastfed?' Or 'oh you're not breastfeeding, that surprises me' Everytime I sign into my local children's centre for baby massage or baby groups and I have to tick the no column for breastfeeding I feel awful, so guilty and it acts as a little reminder of how I failed it's nice to know others feel like me x

 

[daddiesgift]

The guilt never goes away but it does get better. Like others said when you see your child happy, smart and thriving it dulls the pain of "failing" to breast feed. I quit with my oldest two and always felt horrible about it. Especially with my second. I could go on with a 100 reasons why I stopped but it wont change anything. They are only 3 and almost 2 years old but they are doing great! Third time was a charm for me and I have been breast feeding my daugther from day 1. Never had a bottle! So there is a chance for some of you ladies in the future, if you plan to have more Sometimes while bfing her I feel bad for my boys. But it is what it is and I cant go back and change it. In the long run what matters most is they were fed and loved, us just feeling guilty, saddened or angry shows how much we love our children and how we only want whats best for them.

 

[tublet]

I posted on this thread 8 months ago over how sad I felt. Like others have said it does go away, I now have a happy hyper 8 month old who is crawling, pulling herself up, clapping and pointing and in a lot of ways is more advanced than her peers, but more importantly you can't tell the difference at all.

I detest those boxes over if you bf or not, I used to refuse to fill in them it's just another way to make mums feel bad. Ignore it all and enjoy your baby!

 

[SoupDragon]

Hi...first post and hoping to find some support...my daughter is nearly 7 weeks old and I tried so hard to breastfeed. She was born by emcs after a very long and difficult labour, and we did not get skin to skin for several hours after she was born, neither did we get to try to feed.

She was an unexpectedly large baby and her blood sugar was low so the midwives cup-fed her formula to correct it. When we tried to breastfeed she could not latch, and this didn't get any better at all. There's no physical reason like a tongue or lip tie, she just can't do it. She roots endlessly and gets frantic and hysterical, and just cannot latch on.

We were only allowed to leave hospital if we agreed to formula feed, though I insisted on continuing to try to bf. Over the next month we saw numerous midwives and bf specialists who all gave different advice, none of which helped, and even now none of the techniques will work - she just will not take the breast at all.

I have been pumping each day for about 2 hours in total, which enables me to give her one or two bottles of my breastmilk per day, but the rest is formula. She eats a lot, and in order to exclusively pump I'd have to spend almost no time holding her etc.

I just feel like a failure...I couldn't give birth to her naturally and can't breastfeed her either. The midwives and health visitor haven't been judgemental at all, but I still feel dreadful about how it's turned out, as I so badly wanted to breastfeed.

Well, that's my story...I am hoping the guilt and sadness will ease in time but right now it's still very strong. Thanks for reading.

 

[steph.]

So sorry you are going through this soup dragon I also had an emcs and then problems breastfeeding so I completely understand what you are going through, and the feeling of failure. It's strange because when someone else has a cs and formula feeds it never crosses my mind that they have failed somehow, and yet when it happened to me that's how I felt. I really struggled to accept that my breastfeeding journey had come to an end and started exclusively pumping, which was really tiring and emotionally consuming. Once I came to terms with it I started enjoying my baby a lot more and now that she's over a year old I don't even think about the cs or the breastfeeding loss. I think once you see that your baby is healthy and happy, nothing else matters. Formula nowadays is a very good substitute to breastmilk, much better than it was 30 years ago (and the formula fed babies from then have all turned out all right as adults!).

 

[SoupDragon]

Thank you Steph, I'm sorry you went through the same experience It really hurts when I see people on forums and hear people at baby groups saying that people who don't bf didn't try hard enough or persist long enough...I suppose if you didn't struggle much or at all with it then it's hard to see how you would stop, but if you had what we had, endless trouble and a frantic hungry baby that you couldn't feed, no matter what you tried, you just get to a point where it's more harmful to the baby and to you to keep persisting with it. Combi feeding with expressing is so much work...my life revolves around pumping and sterilising and boiling kettles, but I'm glad my DD is getting at least some of my milk, and she is such a happy baby, who is developing normally and maintaining her centile line.

I hear you about not thinking others in my situation have failed...I was FF myself after my own mum didn't make any milk, and I've turned out fine. I never think any less of anyone for FF...the most important thing is that the baby is fed and it's none of anyone's business how that happens or why breast or formula. So I don't know why I give myself such a hard time over this...we are our own worst critics, I think!

 

[Smiler82]

I think it's just hardwired into any new mum to feel guilty about anything and everything! I tried BFing for 2 weeks and it was a complete nightmare. When I was pregnant I always said I didn't really mind how my baby was fed, just as long as they were! So I was completely shocked by the sense of loss and guilt when we switched to formula. I can't really explain it but I just punished myself for something I always said I would never beat myself up for. It was such hard work, DS found it stressful, DH found it stressful, I found it stressful (and very painful!) and it seemed it would be best all round to stop. I won't lie, it took a good few months to start to get over it - in the early days I just cried whenever the subject came up, but as time went on it got better. Now DS is 15 months old and I really do not feel at all bad that he was FF rather than BF. I still sometimes look wistfully at a BFing mother in a cafe or wherever and have a fleeting moment of wishing I had been able to do it, but now it is so much easier to just move on from it. It is really hard at first though and I really feel for you. But please know it will get better and you will stop beating yourself up in time x

 

[pinklizzy]

I still feel lots of guilt and have tears every now and then over the fact that I didn't do better at feeding DD who's now 4 years old, it was even something that scared me about having another baby and failing again.
When I was pregnant it was one of the things I worried most about-I wore awful nipple formers for hours a day after finishing work to try and correct my flat nipples, I read endless books and articles and bugged the midwives for advice.
When my son was born I tried and tried so hard but again I was a failure and have gone through the whole series of emotions. I've stopped going to a couple of baby groups because there are mums there who are bfing (I realise this is bordering on crazy but it just hurts me to feel that I'm not the mum I should be),I dread having him weighed as he's a big baby and I feel that I'm being judged on his weight gain being related to being FF.
Both babies have/had undiagnosed tongue ties, not picked up until after I'd finished my attempts to BF.