The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[fides]

beccad

 

[Fallacy]

I don't know what to say - maybe I should have posted this a long time ago. I'm still not over this. I don't know if I ever will be.

I have one question that has been burning inside of me for six months though. If I ever have another baby, will the end result be the same? Will I never be able to make enough milk to ebf my children?

My baby was born 2 weeks early through c-section. My waters had went early and I never dilated more than 2 cm despite lots of meds. My milk didn't come in until day 7, and by then, Micah had been drinking some formula in addition to the breast as advised by his pediatrician as he was losing too much weight. Was that the first wrong decision? Or one that helped save him from starving?

He would scream at the breast all day, hungry for more and my body wouldn't give him more milk, or when it did, it didn't flow fast enough maybe? I don't know. He would scream and scream until he got a bottle. And so this is how it went. And I sunk more and more deeply into depression.

I started to keep him away from everyone but me, hoping that if I kept him with me and only offered the breast, my supply would increase and things would be okay. But that didn't work either. My supply stayed the same.

I borrowed some money and got a 300 dollar pump. I would nurse and pump after every feed. I was pumping round the clock. It felt like I was either doing one or the other - nursing or pumping. I bought all the different supplements meant to increase your supply. Micah and I both smelled of maple syrup for weeks. I drank mother's tea cup after cup. I drank so much water.

My supply never went up.

I started to lash out at everyone around me. I was angry, hurt. I felt like a failure. The one thing I was supposed to be able to do, I could not. Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of being able to breastfeed my little baby. And I couldn't. I couldn't birth him and I couldn't feed him. And I found myself yelling at him - I was begging him to give me a chance to feed him, begging him to try too. Then telling DH I didn't want him - I couldn't care for him, he didn't want me anyway.

I was constantly fighting with DH, and our marriage was falling apart, because all I cared about was trying to ebf. I yelled at him every time he appeared with the bottle. I cried and screamed and acted like a brat, telling him I hated him and he was unsupportive and I couldn't do this alone. He cried. I cried. Micah cried. A lot.

I never fed him with the bottle - I said I didn't want to be associated with that thing. On the rare occassion I had no other option, I'd cry the entire time I fed him with it, cursing God for making me do this. Not ever once thinking, oh I'm so grateful this option exists so Micah can eat! Otherwise he'd be dead! I didn't want to touch the bottle...make it...anything. Any time I had to, I'd cry. I'd feel sick.

Micah's nurse practitioner gave me a hard time. She called me a horrible mother for giving him formula. She didn't care that I was trying so hard. Only that I was failing. Obviously every mother could make enough milk to give her child. I just wasn't trying hard enough.

It made me more obsessed. What else could I do? It's impossible to not make enough right? But it never went up. I was crazy. Suicidal. I wanted to die because I couldn't ebf.

I had said I hated my husband, whom I've been with for six years. I had said I hated my 6 week old son, whom meant more to me than anything in the world.

And that was when I knew it had to stop.

I tried stopping cold turkey.

Micah kept mouthing at my breast and grabbing my shirt. He'd fuss every time I put the pacifier in his mouth, spitting it out. He didn't want it. My breasts began to hurt and I got mastitis. It hurt insanely bad and I felt so sick.

And that's when I realized I could do something for him. I couldn't feed him, but I could be his pacifier. Any time he wanted comfort, I could be that for him. And so that is where we are today - he nurses for comfort whenever he wants. When he's tired or cranky, he tries to nurse. And it helps. And I'm at peace with that - it took awhile to get used to, but we're healthier for it. He eats his solids now, twice daily. He has almost all of his milk through formula. But he absolutely refuses pacifiers or any type of soother. He only wants to nurse. And that's okay - I'm just happy I can do this for him, even if it's not what I had wanted originally.

His nurse practitioner still judges me. People around me still judge me. I still cry when I see other mothers nursing in public, wishing I could be doing that instead of holding Micah's bottle. I'm crying as I type this. I'm not over it. I'm not - but I'm not sick over it anymore. I wash and sterilize his bottles. I make them for him. I feed him at almost every feeding. And I don't think about it each time...I don't cry while doing it. I spent hundreds of dollars every month on formula. But he's fed. I just wish I could have been a success.

Will I ever be able to ebf a child of mine? I wonder.

I love Micah more than anything. To him, and to my husband, I'm so sorry. For the way I acted. For what I put our family through in my obsession to ebf. I said it was for Micah, but maybe it was really for me. He has a fever of 103 right now, and possibly has the flu. All I can say through my tears is I want nothing more than for him to feel better. I'm so scared. I love you, Micah. I'm sorry.

 

[Tweak0605]

Fallacy I'm so sorry. I can't BELIEVE the NP called your a horrible mother and still judges you. A's doctor was nothing but supportive when I was having so many issues those first few weeks. A doctor or NP should be a support system, not someone who judges. It makes me so mad for you!

I still have moments of feeling like a failure, when I see other mothers nursing. Longing for that closeness and feeling that I was doing something 'right.' I always wonder what the next baby will be, if there's a next baby.

 

[Fallacy]

I feel the same, Tweak. Maybe next time around I'll have better support from the professionals around me.

I'm going to try and stay positive - maybe, if there's a next time for both of us, we'll be able to do it.

 

[daddiesgift]

Awe Fallacy that hurt my heart. no matter how you acted you are still a great mother. Look how much doing the "best" for your child meant to you. I wish I could tell you with your next child it will be better but I honestly don't know. I hope next time you have better support from professionals. I hope you have the healing birth and post partum period you deserve.

Formula feeding is not the end of the world many of us and our children have "survived" being fed formula. I was breast fed and OH was cows milk fed and he's healthier and better off then me! My 2.5 year old is a healthy, smart, thriving toddler as well as my 15 month old. It's not poison. You are not a bad mother for having to feed your child anyway you could. I'm sure your son will never know or care what he was fed. As a woman I never thought to even ask my mother. I only found out as she was here when I was stopping with my second and she told me she bf and she hated every moment! Had to because she couldn't afford other wise. I didn't feel happy nor sad at what she said.

I had a whole set of other problems that what you experienced so I'm not much help as I thought the second time around would be easier but it wasn't. Now we are on our third and last and I hope I'll be successful.

 

[fides]

awww,

 

[Emz1982_in_uk]

It can work second time around and the guilt feeling does get easier with time

 

[sillysapling]

Was that the first wrong decision? Or one that helped save him from starving?

Too many babies have to be hospitalized due to dehydration because they aren't getting enough from the breast alone, if the dehydration gets severe enough it can cause permanent brain damage. Making sure your baby got the food and water he needed in that first week was the right decision.

Did you ever try an at-breast supplementer? It sounds like you may not have been given the option. Some find it too hard to use, but it may be worth a try- your baby suckles at the breast, but gets as much as he needs immediately even if your supply isn't good. You can exclusively breastfeed your baby with formula using it. You could still give it a try now, because your baby is comfort nursing. It's wonderful that he still comfort nurses- we were never able to get our baby to latch even for that.

 

[fxmummyduck]

Fallacy, that was heart wrenching to read, im so sorry.i posted in here a few weeks back, I think it really helps to write it down somewhere like here.take comfort knowing he takes comfort from you.

My ds has just been refusing to even use me as a pacifier the last 3 weeks...and now what little milk I did have has finally gone.

Journey ended

I hope so much for another chance.

 

[fides]

Sorry to be off topic a bit, but sillysapling, I LOVE seeing your FFF badge in your signature! I found this week's Friday post so inspiring, especially the part where she talked about the "numerical trophy" - got me thinking about my own parenting numerical trophies that I'm going to try harder to stop displaying to others. The week before's Friday post (2/14) was actually mine. Anyway, nice to see another FFF'er in here.

Early on in this thread, we used to pass along articles we came across that might help others. The FFF actually just tweeted about one yesterday that I wanted to pass along, in case anyone is interested:
https://medicalxpress.com/news/2014-02-breast-feeding-benefits-overstated-siblings.html

 

[fides]

Fallacy, that was heart wrenching to read, im so sorry.i posted in here a few weeks back, I think it really helps to write it down somewhere like here.take comfort knowing he takes comfort from you.

My ds has just been refusing to even use me as a pacifier the last 3 weeks...and now what little milk I did have has finally gone.

Journey ended

I hope so much for another chance.

awww, I'm so sorry. I'm crying right here with you, my dear.

 

[sillysapling]

Thanks! The site helped me so much, I hope it helps others! I saw that as well and found it very interesting. Of course, after the responses to pointing out that the difference between BFing and FFing isn't super significant, I'm sure not going to point out that a study actually found that that FFing might be better in some ways! (the study found an INCREASE in asthma with breastfeeding) I can't find the actual study and I'm still not totally impressed- simply looking at siblings doesn't remove all other factors. Income levels change, locations change, lifestyles change, etc. It's a good try.

I don't think it's that off topic, though, one of the questions is how to handle the guilt and loss we feel- and one way is to truly look at the information available and realize that our babies aren't actually doomed and that what we're giving is just as good. The FFF site has really helped a lot of people who weren't able to breastfeed handle the guilt and loss, it lets people know they're not alone and that formula isn't the end of the world.

 

[Fallacy]

I'd like to just take the time to give a big hug to all of you ladies. From day 1, I've had the most support through this site. I had support when I was trying to ebf and I had support as I struggled with depression. It feels nice to have this place, where I was able to write my story and have others understand how it feels. Believe me, I'm crying right there with you.

But I really want to say thank you for telling me I made the right decision to give him that formula so he didn't end up hospitalized for dehydration...It was the one thing I was always unsure over - did I do the right thing or not? It helps a lot to hear someone tell me I did the right thing. All of us just want the best for our children. And we're doing it the best way we can.

 

[Cariad_x]

It's been 9 months for me and tbh I'm still gutted that I couldn't bf Ollie. Every single day I think about it - about how good it felt to bf him for the first few days and how proud I felt and how disappointed I am that I couldn't continue.

Ollie had an undiagnosed tongue tie. He fed well as first but every time I put him to my breast after the first few feeds he would scream and fight against me. I didn't know it at the time but I wasn't producing anything and he was sore trying to feed so could smell his milk and couldn't get it He lost nearly the full 10% of his birth weight and wasn't producing any wet nappies resulting in him becoming jaundiced and requiring a 5 day hospital stay under double phototherapy in the transitional care unit.

I requested help from the bf specialist but by the time the midwives got her for me Ollie was starving and he noticed straight away that he was tongue tied. She said he needed fed soon because he was dehydrated and I broke my heart when he practically inhaled his first bottle of formula because he was that hungry. The worst of it was that the mw clearly judged me for it and even wrote in my notes that I "chose to ff despite encouragement". I tried damned hard and it still doesn't feel good enough!

So yeah. He's happy and healthy and thriving. But I still feel sad. I just needed to get that all out.

 

[daddiesgift]

Cariad

 

[fxmummyduck]

Hugs cariad x my boy had a tongue tie too, so I know how difficult that is. He would feed for a long time and still be starving as he just couldn't use his tongue properly to feed.

 

[pcsoph2890]

Hi ladies, I'm feeling utter guilt over choosing to end my bf journey.

I've had problems with latch from.day one despite numerous help from.LC, support groups and workers. My daughter fed for.hours resulting in cracked and sore nipples so I had to.top.up with ff to fill her up as I physically couldn't bear the pain.
Then and still I have ductal thrush, which took me two drs who dismissed me despite me being in floods of tears in their rooms explaining my symptoms to them and them telling me it didn't exist and just home.
I had a few days break from bf (still expressed but only enough for one bottle a day so I could not sustain her on ebm) yesterday I tried to feed her the first feed was great, but throughout the day it got more and more painful and I was having to detach her and reattach her which was frustrating her as well as upsetting me. Then again topping her up with formula.

So last night whilst giving her a bottle.of ff I decided I could not keep on like this and decided after many weeks swinging from I can do it and go through the pain to no I have to give up.
It has been the hardest thing to try to learn bf, and the hardest decision to decide to give up.
So I didn't consult with anyone as I needed to make this decision myself and be happy with the decision I made.

About two weeks ago I felt pressured by hubby to not put her to the breast but express, which I did, but resented his pressure. His reasoning was she was not getting full on the boob a d at least I could see how much she drank- which can understand, but trying to explain cluster feeding etc to him was pretty pointless. But again was only expressing enough for a little over one bottle worth one feed a day after expressing every two hours throughout the day.
So today I told him I had made the decision to stop bf as it was that painful, and his response was not good to say the least, which has made me doubt my decision. He would not give me time to explain how I feel, how it hurts (still think he has no idea how it feels to be constantly chomped on), his opinion he thinks is the only one that matters, no one else is right or free to express their opinion. So now we have fallen out when I need his support so much and for him to say I tried and we'll.done for trying for 5 weeks.
I have been in pain for the past 5 weeks. I yearn to be able to ebf her, I am gutted (in fact there are no words I can use to adequately explain how I feel) that I cannot do this.

I know this is the right decision, she is never full from day one from.me feeding he'd, but with a bottle she Is full and happy, who h makes me happy by default.

I would never have imagined the guilt I would feel in giving up, but I know I have tried, tried a d tried some.more so I know I gave it my all, but it was not meant to be!!!

To read a thread like this and know my tears are not the only ones shed over the same thing makes me feel.comforted and I know I am making the right decision for me a d my daughter!

 

[sillysapling]

If your husband feels so strongly that his baby be breastfed- then he can get a doctor to prescribe him domperidone, take herbs, start pumping, and try doing it himself. It's your body, and your relationship with your baby- you get to decide what's best for you!

 

[Fallacy]

to you both. I know how it feels to not have support - don't let ANYONE make you feel bad for your decisions. You tried - that is what matters. And your children are well fed besides. That's what matters.

 

[miraclebaba]

i feel so lonely, i seems like everything i do is not right. My son had a latching problem from day one and while in hospital the nurses realized this and told me to get a breast pump so i did. i didnt use it on the first days because it was only drops coming out. i squeezed my breast 4 times a day to give the nurses 40ml of breast milk to feed my baby.
i got home and i was alone, forced the baby to latch and he would cry alot because he was hungry and couldn't feed properly. i never got sore nipples.
I had different people squeezing my breast saying that i must breastfeed, kids who are not breastfed have weak immune systems. The problem was not my milk supply and the didn't understand that,so with all of this happening a had to give him bottle and he got used to it but i was not ready to give up just yet, i went to my mother in law and together we tried to help the baby latch but it wasn't possible p, my husband witnessed this.
After weeks of pumping breast milk and only expressing 20 ml for about 30 minutes i finally gave up but the guilt just had its way with me.
i feel guilty to this day when i open my drawer and see breast pads and nipple creams, my breast are still leaking a bit and that hurts me alot.
having to deal with all this, husband on Sunday git angry that i woke him up to feed the baby because i was not feeling well. he said to me, if i was breastfeeding i wouldn't have woken him up and now his son has flu because i am not breadtfeeding.
I dont know if the guilt will ever go away especially when every tin of formula says breast milk is the best and when i dont get support from my husband...i feel like such a failure..