The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[swee7bebe]

Hi everyone! I'm so glad I found this forum, especially this thread. My son was born this past August, and I had started breastfeeding him right in the hospital. A little background...I'm a NICU nurse in the hospital where I delivered, so our lactation consultant was my friend. My son was born on a Sunday, and ironically was admitted to the NICU for about 12 hours because I spiked a temp during the delivery and he started to have some respiratory distress. After about 5 hours, the doctors let him start eating so I put him to breast and he did pretty well, but it hurt a lot. The next day, our lactation consultant came to see me and she confirmed what I thought I saw - that he had a tongue tie. She gave me a nipple shield to help him latch better, and I ended up using the nipple shield up until I stopped breastfeeding. We went home, and I was exclusively breastfeeding him. Things were going well...he was still at his discharge weight when we went to see the pediatrician 2 days later, and at his 2 week visit he had surpassed his birth weight. At his one month visit he was more than 1.5lb heavier than he was when he was born (7lb 3oz at birth). I went back to work after 6 weeks, and was pumping while I was at work. My supply was pretty good, I was getting almost 5oz every time I pumped. I only went back to work for 3 weeks then I went back out for bonding time for 12 weeks. At my son's 2 month appt he was 10lb 10oz...a week after that, we went to get his tongue tie fixed. Turns out he also had a lip tie and he had a class 4 tongue tie, which meant he had limited mobility in his tongue. We got that fixed and it was the hardest week, doing the stretches and him screaming the whole time we did them. Then it went all downhill from there. I went to see a lactation consultant the following week because I was still using the nipple shield and wanted to wean him off. She weighed him and he was 10lb7oz almost 2 weeks after his 2 month pediatrician visit. Ok, I wasn't too too worried because I figured he wasn't eating well because of the surgery. I went to see my pediatrician a few days after that because he started to develop dry skin, like eczema. His weight was 10lb, 6.8oz. Now I was worried. I started to supplement with bottles of breastmilk after each feeding for the weekend and pumping after each breastfeeding. I wasn't really getting much after I pumped. I then borrowed my friend's home breastfeeding scale to see how much he was actually eating. He was only eating 1-1.5oz at each feeding! The stress kicked in, and I was a hot mess that whole weekend. I was breastfeeding, giving bottles, then feeding. Around that time I also sprained my ankle and got a really bad cold, which I couldn't take anything because of the breastfeeding. I think all the stress of everything dropped my supple even more. I went to see the LC again and she suggested instead of supplementing just put him to breast every time he was hungry, like every 2 hours...I tried that for a week and when I went to see her again his weight was still 10lb 8oz. At this point I was on the verge of stopping breastfeeding because he was still not eating and I wasn't pumping much anymore. I was taking fenugreek, mother's milk tea, and more milk plus...and I started giving supplements again because I didn't want his weight to drop even further. The LC took a look at his tongue and his tongue tie had reattached...so we went back up to see the dr that did the procedure. The following day was my pediatrician appt. With the supplements, he had gained some weight and was up to 11lb, 6oz. She also suspected he had a milk protein allergy because of the eczema and she tested his stool sample and it was positive for blood. If I continued to breastfeed I would have to stop all dairy...and still supplement him with alimentum, which is for babies with protein allergies. At this point I decided to stop breastfeeding...I don't think it was worth it because at this point I was always crying because I was so stressed out that he wasn't eating enough. The last 3 weeks my parents had stayed with me because I needed help with all of his feedings, plus I was sick. I felt so inadequate...and I was getting anxiety thinking of taking care of him by myself.

Anyway...he's doing really well on the formula. He went from 11lb6oz to 12lb10oz in less than 2 weeks. I just still feel like a failure for not being able to breastfeed him for a long time. Ok, that's all...thank you for letting me get this off of my chest here.

 

[gflady]

Bless you swee7. I too had low milk supply from the stress of my son having bad reflux and I had to cut out dairy because he was intolerant. He stopped gaining weight for weeks despite my constant feeding. Formula changed everything- he was much happier and I was less stressed. Still miss it and feel guilty tho x

 

[drudai]

Tonight has been very strange.

One of my classmates is having her elective CS tomorrow and I'm trying to pass on as much advice as I can. She wants to try breastfeeding and I was giving her the tips (set goals (1 day, 3 days, week, etc), consult a real lactation nurse (the WIC office here has one who will come to the hospital/your home), and most of all remember it's not always easy for everyone.)

I am now sat here crying over how I wanted to breastfeed so badly, knocked formula my entire pregnancy, said I would do anything to breastfeed my baby... My sister bf'd for 13 mo before my niece self weaned, I should have asked for her help. Looking back I didn't want her help, (warning, dark emotion ahead) I hated my son. He took my life away, I blamed him for the death of our previous nephew (the phrase "where there is life, there is death" screams in my head), breastfeeding hurt so bad and he would scream and be frustrated he wasn't getting what he wanted. I was worried he wasn't eating and asked the nurse for formula. We kept trying to bf at home but it hurt so bad I was gritting my teeth, crying, screaming, begging him to stop hurting mommy. My nipples were SO cracked and sore, I dreaded feeding him. I got out the pump but it hurt so bad too. It all felt like such hard work, I thought 'how can I ever leave the house again?! This baby will never leave my boob! I'll have to pump in between feeds." Anxiety, resentment, exhaustion, no help... I would put the bottles I bought (just in case) away and swear not to touch them, then be in so much pain I ran back to get them and cry harder as I made bottles for my screaming newborn. I gave up, my milk dried up. He has reflux, so I am thankful for his AR formula lest he didn't take breastmilk down well. But I heavily mourn the loss of breastfeeding... I know I am better now, love my baby so much I cry thinking about him just because he's very precious to me, but I forget how truly awful I felt back then. I don't remember that time... Too busy crying and wallowing in myself.

All I can think over and over is "if only I knew then what I know now"... Would I be better? Would I stick out breastfeeding? I don't know. Never will. More babies just isn't in my agenda. I think about it, but I know truly it's not something that I want.

Today? Today just hurts.

 

[daddiesgift]

So sorry you are feeling down today. And knowing better doesn't mean you'll always do better! Coming from the two time failure of breast feeding! I thought I knew everything that went wrong the first time and how to fix it but second baby brought on its own set of problems! I know the darkness you felt. With my first I was terrified of him! I'd sit watching him sleep praying he wouldn't wake up for hours as I just couldn't nurse him one more time. I didn't bond with him till I stopped breast feeding. Stopping was the best thing I could've done for him and me!

Don't beat yourself up your baby will be happy and healthy no matter how they're fed. My oldest is now two years old and I never feel guilt or feel bad for my decision to stop when after I stopped it was months of beating myself up and blaming myself for every sniffle he had! It gets better and one day you'll see then happy and healthy and you won't regret a thing!

 

[thayet]

I'm in tears.. finally decided to quit after six weeks of agony. We fought through bad latch, thrush, Reynaud's, open sores and low supply - but it's time to stop.

I might pump for a while to see if I can keep feeding him breast milk, but the sores are pretty painful.

So devastated. Can't believe our journey is ending now.

 

[fides]

so sorry

 

[Tweak0605]

I'm so sorry thayet

 

[thayet]

Thanks ladies.. this whole experience has truly been one of the most stressful of my life. I'm going to keep pumping for a while, maybe once everything heals we can do one or two feeds a day if he will latch on again. I doubt it, as he refuses to latch already without the nipple shield (which I am SO done with), but it's worth a shot in a couple weeks.

 

[Tweak0605]

Breastfeeding (or trying to breastfeed) was probably one of the most stressful things after having my daughter. She wouldn't latch; she couldn't open her mouth wide enough and the LCs didn't really have a response to it. I could see a difference in myself when I would try and get her to latch and when I wouldn't. That's when I decided I would purely pump and stop trying to get her to latch. I was a brand new person, less stressed and more happy, and actually bonding with my daughter.

 

[fxmummyduck]

Not sure if my post belongs here as I feel caught between two places, anyway ill try to get to the point.

My son was born on 24th November after a fairly straightforward 15 hour labour and was put on my breast as soon as they'd given me a few stitches. He latched straight away it seemed so natural to him, and he fed on and off for 45 mins before sleeping. Before we left the hospital I fed him again and altho a bit uncomfortable I thought this was just us getting used to it.By the next day I was already so sore I was dreading feeding him but perservered and fed him 8 more times before stopping that night in tears as I couldnt face the pain. We gave him formula through the night and come morning I tried again and kept going but by this time my nipples were cracked sore bruised and bleeding. We ended up ringing a lactation consultant who came round and saw he had quite a severe tongue tie with no lateral movement and restriction on all other movement so his shallow latch had caused nipple trauma.

I took 2 days off formula feeding and pumping,finger syringe feeding before putting him back on the breast with a nipple shield.

Since then I have struggled with supply, I feel like the top up rather than the feed. I have never been able to give him a full feed and he will still have a bottle of 150 mls after me. I still feel so disappointed and upset that I cant feed him, I hate giving him a bottle even tho hes feel guilt for giving in so quickly after everything id said in pregnancy. I feel judged by my mil and sil who is a dr and at their house I dont want to make a bottle up. I hate the shield but he wont latch without, but suppose I should be pleased he can feed even if its a small amount. Dont feel I belong in either camp, bf or ff.

Sorry for the rant! X

 

[Vicyi]

fxmummyduck, we all felt we didnt belong in FF or BF when our BFing journeys didnt turn out the way we planned. Dont feel pressured by MIL, SIL or anyone else, YOU know you tried. It sure it hard but once you see bubs thriving, whether they are ff or combi fed, then you will know you did the right thing for YOUR family xx

thayet. I hope you feel better soon. Dont push yourself to bf if it hurts too bad. I hope you can continue to pump and feed your LO but it really isnt the end of the world if you cant. although i know it feels like it. I hope your sores heal soon, that sounds painful xx

 

[fxmummyduck]

I'm in tears.. finally decided to quit after six weeks of agony. We fought through bad latch, thrush, Reynaud's, open sores and low supply - but it's time to stop.

I might pump for a while to see if I can keep feeding him breast milk, but the sores are pretty painful.

So devastated. Can't believe our journey is ending now.

so sorry you're feeling devastated, it sounds like you've been through so much hard wwork.i hope it feels better soon take care of yourself and enjoy your wonderful bundle x

 

[steph.]

It never crossed my mind that one day I would be posting in this thread. My first bf for 16 months and hated bottles, i thought this time would be just as easy...and I also never thought Id feel this bad about stopping bf early. I have been under a lot of stress as my baby was born with a lymphatic malformation and have been doing a lot of travelling to see specialists. My supply plummetted at 2 months and I started supplementing. Now she is on 2 bottles a day, and i feel like I almost force her to breastfeed the rest of the time. She doesnt like it and much prefers the bottles, it feels like a losing battle. I am devastated.

 

[daddiesgift]

So sorry Steph every child and experience is different.

 

[thayet]

It never crossed my mind that one day I would be posting in this thread. My first bf for 16 months and hated bottles, i thought this time would be just as easy...and I also never thought Id feel this bad about stopping bf early. I have been under a lot of stress as my baby was born with a lymphatic malformation and have been doing a lot of travelling to see specialists. My supply plummetted at 2 months and I started supplementing. Now she is on 2 bottles a day, and i feel like I almost force her to breastfeed the rest of the time. She doesnt like it and much prefers the bottles, it feels like a losing battle. I am devastated.

Hey Steph.. I remember you from the gestational complications forum. I'm so sorry to hear that your LO is struggling with a health issue - the stress from that will of course affect your supply. As devastating as it is to lose the breastfeeding end of your relationship with your LO, you need to feed your baby and that's the important part. I completely understand how frustrating low supply can be. Maybe you can just try to keep the early morning/late night feedings, or feed after a bottle when she's not so hungry? I'm sure it's not that she prefers the bottle, but rather that she's getting used to the instant gratification they provide.

Try to remember that breastfeeding can also be comforting for both you and her, and that any amount of it is a victory in itself.

 

[KatyR]

Hi ladies. Hoping for some support as i haven't had any from family/friends that i have confided in.
i have ebf for six weeks and am having to resort to giving a bottle of formula before bed. I'm gutted and no one seems to understand that i feel like I'm failing.
for the past two weeks my LO has woken much more during the night to feed, sometimes with only twenty minutes to half an hour between waking. He suffers from such bad wind so all i am doing in feeding, winding, trying to settle him and managing to close my eyes before he is awake again. He seems to be starving when he wakes and screams and screams till he is fed. He fusses on the boob and hits and kicks while feeding. I need a break and am planning on pumping still so i can hopefully get others to feed him so i can get a chance to catch my breath.
am just so disappointed that formula is going to be making an appearance.

 

[fides]

steph and katyR

 

[steph.]

Thanks girls. KatyR I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I failed

Thayet, yes after getting the all clear during the pregnancy, it was a shock when my baby was born with a lymphatic malformation, otherwise known as a cystic hygroma. Ironically they never saw it during my pregnancy and it didnt contribute to my 1:20 chance of down syndrome, if they had I am sure my chances would have been 1:2. Sienna is very healthy, and luckily the lm is on her shoulder and quite discreet. The doctor thinks that with treatment it will shrink completely. I really hope so. She was put under general anaesthesia yesterday and had some medication injected into it to shrink it. Now i have to pray it works!

 

[fides]

and prayers

 

[beccad]

Nice to find this thread. I breastfed my first baby (she's 19 months) for 8 months and didn't have any problems. A bit sore at the start as you expect, but it was mostly a doddle. My son is four weeks and it was just a struggle right from the start. We just couldn't get him latched on right from the start, and we got plenty of advice and help even though I knew what he and I needed to do - the feeding councellors didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. He wouldn't open his mouth wide enough, he stuck his tongue up in the roof of his mouth rather than down and out. When he was latched on he was just sucking on the nipple - I could feel his gums chomping on my nipple. I spent ten days trying to latch him on but it was really upsetting me. I had terrible PND after my daughter was born and I could feel myself getting sucked down again and I just couldn't go through all that again. I'm also horribly anaemic after the birth (planned csection) and just not feeling well either, and breastfeedin would have drained me further.

I feel truely shit that I gave up. I feel like I didn't try hard enough, but I also know that my gorgeous little girl and my baby boy need their mummy to be a happy mummy. I need me to be happy and if that means he has bottles and formula then that's what it'll be.