Things I cannot say out loud....

[Staceysparkle]

Ha ha I think this should be a sticky thread its so theraputic. I'm going to be posting every day

 

[BubbaG]

To my MIL

IF you say "my what a lump he is" I will lump you and yep it is a good job he wasn't a girl, not because you say that 'she' would have been ugly but because 'she' wouldn't of been my little boy!

 

[bellablue]

To everyone offering to baby sit i thank you but i will leave my baby for the first time when im good n ready! Stop trying to get me to go some where so you can babysit! Hmmmmmmmmmm lol silly i know but i swear if i hear "if you ever wanna go out i can babysit" from people i would never leave my kid with in a million years! I could scream! Shes 10 weeks today and im not ready!

 

[shambaby]

to mil:

no, he does not enjoy having his face repeatedly poked whilst being jiggled about like a pneumatic drill

yes, he will cry and possibly be sick on you if you do that

no, we did not name him boo-boo so STOP CALLING HIM THAT

to fil:

no, it is not ok for him to chew on your manky old hat

to my mum:

no, he does not want some chocolate. he doesn't even know what chocolate is. he just wants food and he's more than happy with his fruit

no, social services will not be interested if you call them to tell them i am making my baby feed himself (blw - pre-loaded spoons. oh, the horror!)

yes, actually, it did do me some harm.

 

[violetsky]

Ohhh I need this:

To my Grandma:
Please don't shove a toy into piggle's face and squeak and shake it violently then proclaim that she doesn't like it. I wouldn't bloody like it.

No, she would not love a dummy. No giving her a dummy would not be brilliant. No matter how many dummys you buy her, I am still not going to give her one. No, a dummy would not help her sleep better, stop her mouthing toys, cure teething pain, prevent trapped wind, it doesn't have magic properties so QUIT trying to give her one!!

When she is asleep, please don't crouch over her and start touching her hands and her face in the hopes that you will *accidentally* wake her up.

To my Grandad:
Chanting her name over and over and over and over again and clapping your hands at her is not a nice way to get her attention. She isn't a dog.

Please don't sneeze into your hand then touch hers with it. I've seen you do it and it's gross.

No, she won't think that the camera is her mother because I take so many photos. It wasn't funny the first time you said it and it still isn't now.

Phew.

 

[amygwen]

To my father in law:

Jacob is my son, if I want to give him a dummy I will, I would rather he suck a dummy than his thumb which he is starting to do, so do me a favor and keep you opinion to yourself!!!

The giraffes name is SOPHIE!!!! I dont care if you think it should be Sarah or gertie or anything else you can think of. It says Sophie on the box so that's the frigging end of it!!!

Thankyou very much for offering to make up some bottles however it is completely pointless if you cannot comprehend why the bOttles needs to be washed in hot soapy water and thoroughly rinsed BEFORE they go in the sterilizer. The sterilizer does not wash the old milk out !!!

No, Jacob cannot try your potato salad, fish finger, vegetables etc. Hes 15 weeks old all he needs is milk!!!!

Baby led weaning is not hocus pocus, I will not choke my child so no we will not be pureeing everything in sight when the time comes, and on that subject there is only one person who will decide when that time is, that's right, ME!!!

Oh and finally if you mention one more time that it won't be long until Jacob can have some squash in his water I swear to god I won't be responsible for my actions. When the hell did water become the enemy?????

And breathe........

THAT IS HILARIOUS! I can totally relate to that. I hate when people call his toys different names than what they are actually called on their boxes!!

 

[babyloulou]

To my husband-

He's not crying because he prefers Richard Hammond to Jeremy Clarkson. It's because he doesn't want to sit on your knee while you watch Top Gear. It's boring for him.

That's hilarious!!

 

[Bingo]

Brilliant post.

 

[Lilly12]

To my mil: stop whining when DD is asleep when you come visit, stop feeling sorry for yourself, she's a baby for Christ sake!!!

To random people:
Stop touching my kid, i don't even know you!

 

[patch2006uk]

To my nan

- encouraging him to stand will not give him bowed legs. Please stop karate chopping the backs of his legs to knock him over!

- he can't have crisps. Even in a few weeks. Just, no.

- he doesn't need the heating on and a blanket over him.

To some ladies at drama group

- the sling is safe. We don't need a pushchair. He won't fall out. I checked, several times.

- he doesn't need to be moved onto formula. He is thriving on breastmilk and I like feeding him.

To random women

- stop touching him! It's weird. Who are you?

To MIL

- he is not a blonde baby. Just because DH was born brunette and turned blonde, doesn't mean LO has done the same.

To pretty much everyone

- don't walk off with him when he cries! He wants to come back to me or OH, he does not need a change of scenery. On a similar note, he will get upset if there are too many people around him. Don't try and stand on top of him!

- yes, sometimes he does just want to lie down and not be held. Put him down and leave him alone!!

Oh, and one more for nan

- you can't watch him while we go out. Two reasons. For one, you're 80 and can't really walk at the moment without struggling. And two, I struggle to express any milk so you won't be able to feed him. No, he can most certainly not have evaporated milk :s

... I had more than I thought...

 

[Mrs-C]

To DH's nan;

No, she is not hungry she is asleep/happy looking around/filling her nappy!

To FIL:

If I let you push the pram it is not for the entire duration of the trip, I would like her back! Seriously, stop walking so far ahead with her!

To SIL & BIL:

Please stop letting your 3 year old play next to my sleeping baby. It is not cute that you have her 'favourite' (for this week) dvd on at full volume and she is screaming and throwing things.

Please don't let your child take the only toy I have brought with me for my LO (a rattle of some kind) and bash her toys with it, bite it & then drop it where she feels like it and leave me to find it!

Your kid might have been the first grandchild but there are four now, stop acting like the other three don't exist! If FIL has one, stop forcing your kid on him!

 

[karlilay]

To my MIL- All OH tells me about you is what a shite parent you are were to him, so dont come to my house preaching about all the nice things you did when he was little.

Stop taking 100984755 pictures of my kids per minute. Your so annoying!

Stop asking me to look after my kids- its been nearly 3 years since Madi was born, i havent asked you to have her yet, does that not tell you something?

I dont need a break... im quite happy that i havent left my children over night yet.

Please stop expecting them to jump for joy when they see you, its not going to happen.

Dont ask Madi for a kiss, then kiss her anyway when she clearly doesnt want to kiss you!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[ginny]

MIL - stop making us drive over an hour to visit because you can't be arsed (cannot smoke in our house) just come to us at least once if you'd like to see your grandson at least twice before he is one

OH - it is not f@*%ing wind!

Random people - I really don't know if he is "good", does that mean sttn?! If so, NO!!

Everyone else - I'm really knackered and doing the best I can, stop it with your advice, it's confusing!

 

[smam]

God I could fill a whole page with MIL rants! Some of these have been absolutely brilliant!

To MIL: No Dylan does NOT need to chew a rib bone, he has a teether/cucumber!
No wonder he won't eat his bloody dinner, you gave him chips while I was sorting out my DD's dinner!
No he won't say Dadadadada if you keep scaring the life out of him
No, you cannot feed him as your hands shake sooo badly you nearly drop him, not to mention the fact that you can't even sit him on your lap easily!
No e are not going to let him choke (partly BLW having a roast) he CAN feed him self no problem and no he doesn't want a sponge finger or some of your jelly, he doesn't need extra sugar! No he's not having a onion ring
Yes I still haven't forgiven you for giving him custard at 11 weeks old and no after that you wont be looking after him when I go back to work!

Phew I think that might be it for now, I know there are more but its mainly about how jealous she is that my DD prefers her husband to her and no wonder her son (my oh) and eldest daughter don't like you, you are a nasty hypocrite who is only out for everything she can scrounge!

 

[MarchMummy11]

I do love threads like this

To my mum
Why would I let you look after Daniel overnight when you can't even look after yourself or your own kids.
Please dont' call him a "sexy boy" it's not right and since when has a baby been sexy
Don't pretend like you know him when you never see him

To Mil
He's not "your little baby boy" he is MINE.
Yes he is gorgeous and fab but give it a fricking break and stop smothering him
No he does not have wind or tummyache, babies can cry for other reasons
No it is not acceptable for you to just walk in to my house and grab him off of me

To fob
Please stop putting cars, friends, beer, your laptop, EVERYTHING before your son.
Don't whinge that he "hates" you because he cries when you have him...maybe spend some time with him and play with him and he'll get to know you.

 

[karlilay]

I do love threads like this

To my mum
Why would I let you look after Daniel overnight when you can't even look after yourself or your own kids.
Please dont' call him a "sexy boy" it's not right and since when has a baby been sexy Don't pretend like you know him when you never see him

To Mil
He's not "your little baby boy" he is MINE.
Yes he is gorgeous and fab but give it a fricking break and stop smothering him
No he does not have wind or tummyache, babies can cry for other reasons
No it is not acceptable for you to just walk in to my house and grab him off of me

To fob
Please stop putting cars, friends, beer, your laptop, EVERYTHING before your son.
Don't whinge that he "hates" you because he cries when you have him...maybe spend some time with him and play with him and he'll get to know you.

That realllllly grates on me!!!!

 

[Kalah]

I've got a few more, I love love love this thread, it's amazing how many problems we've all got in common!

To OH: Yes she does love me more, but that doesn't mean she hates you.
Yes shouting at her when she screams does make her stop, because it scares her!! Stop doing it!!

To my mom: Stop calling her your baby. I know you live thousands of miles away and miss her but still, she's mine. When I was pregnant and you would introduce me to people by saying "this is my baby, and (putting her hand on my belly) she's having my other baby" it makes it sound like I'm your surrogate.
No, I can't always talk to you about anything because your advice is ALWAYS "just move back home with me".

To my MIL:
No it is definitely not unhealthy that I never have a night out. I don't need or want a night out. I had my fun years ago before I was married and had my baby, it wasn't all that fun then and it won't be now either. I have time alone with OH every single night when Kili is in bed.
I don't need a break!
It is NOT bad for Kili to see me and OH everyday. I WANT her to be clingy with me and know I will ALWAYS be there for her and I am her mother!
If you want to play with her don't word it as "just give her here you need to have a break" because I do not need a break. If you would just ask to have her because YOU want to spend time with her I would happily let you! (I've even told her that, the response was "I shouldn't have to ask" ... WELL APPARENTLY YOU DO!!

 

[Scarlett316]

I love how this has taken off, some of them have had me in stitches!!!

 

[Zedfaca]

To my husband-

He's not crying because he prefers Richard Hammond to Jeremy Clarkson. It's because he doesn't want to sit on your knee while you watch Top Gear. It's boring for him.

That's hilarious!!

Ha ha thanks! Your baby is so cute by the way.

I've thought of more. I'm surprising myself!

Another one to my husband-

Every item of his clothing does not automatically go together. If you put him in green socks and red tshirt, he's going to look like a Christmas elf.

To my mother in law-

Stop firing questions at me! You are not Poirot trying to solve the great sleeping through the night mystery. You haven't stumbled upon some clue. Stop saying 'Ah-ha, maybe that's it!' Yes, I can get a dummy and prove to you how far he spits it across the room. No, I do not need enlightening as to the fact that babies cry for the hundredth time. I had actually noticed. No, I won't leave him to do a little grizzle. Can we PLEASE talk about something else? Why don't you try asking me how I am?

His hair is the same colour it was the last time you saw him. It hasn't got any lighter or darker.

Stop telling me to relax! The only thing making me agitated is you telling me to relax!

Phew!! I feel better for that!

 

[msmissa]

Oooh I thought of more.

To my step mom
Just because you never get to see him, doesn't give you the right to take him out of my hands the minute we arrive. We have had a long flight and he needs to relax and get used to you first. And don't assume I did something to him when he cries at you.

To my dad
Babies cry. Get over it and don't yell at him. That'll only scare him and make him cry louder.

To all of my family and OH's family
Just because he's crying doesn't mean he's a bad baby. He doesn't know you!!!
If he starts screaming when you're holding him and he keeps reaching for me, don't walk away with him out of the room. He wants his mom!

To everyone
Yes, he is nice and chunky. He's a baby. He's perfectly healthy. I don't care how tiny your child was at his age. There is nothing wrong with his size. If you feel the need to keep commenting on how chubby he is every time you seem him, I'm gonna have some not so nice words for you