To have another or wait?

[emyandpotato]

I hope it's okay to post this here, wasn't really sure where to put it!

Basically I get my implant out in November and I am so torn on whether to TTC or not. If we wait, we will be waiting for another 6 or so years due to my work. Age isn't an issue- I'm 23- and OH isn't bothered either way.

If we TTC soon our situation will be living in a small rented house, have a car, OH has a job although not brilliantly paid, and for the first year of baby's life I will be finishing the last 60 credits of my degree with OU, so will be at home and not too busy. LO will be starting school that year. I was planning on doing my PGCE after my degree but that would probably be put off a few more years. The plus sides of doing it this way is that I could have as much time before doing my PGCE as I needed, whereas if I was teaching we'd have a mortgage and I'd potentially struggle with maternity leave and then have to go back full time or perhaps part time but with a big drop in finances. Rory and the new baby will be only four years apart which obviously in itself has pros and cons. I also work part time as a tutor and could likely keep this up with some childcare help from family. I also started setting up a small WAHM business a few months ago but with uni and work don't have loads of time but may have more time in the staying at home years with a new baby. When I went back to work we would obviously begin saving immediately for a mortgage and wouldn't have any more so maternity leave wouldn't be an issue and I could concentrate on my career.

On the other hand I could wait. This means doing my PGCE as soon as I finish my degree, getting a teaching job and saving for a mortgage, which we estimate we could afford within two years of me teaching. We would probably have to wait until I had been in my job a few years so that would mean not TTC until Rory was about 10. We would overall be better off but the concerns would be the mortgage issue when I went on maternity, and the concerns about having to go back to work full time after a year, depending on finances. On the plus side there would be less of a jealousy issue, and we can travel relatively easily with just one child. Also, I worry that I am not a good enough mum to deal with two children, though Rory adores babies and I'm sure he'd love helping and having someone to play with and look after.

Sorry this is so long! What would you do?

 

[Eleanor ace]

I'd have another now. I know a few people with large age gaps with their siblings and most didn't get much out of it until they were both adults- lots of jealousy, trouble adjusting or sadness for the older sibling when leaving home. Obviously this won't be the case for everyone but it does put me off a big age gap. It sounds as though you would still be in a good position if you have a LO now and then when the time comes to do your PGCE and start teaching you will be able to focus on it rather than worrying about taking a step back for a year or more and developments in education passing you by.

 

[spicyorange]

Really only you and partner can make that decision.there never a perfect time but what does your gut tell your is right?

 

[emyandpotato]

Really only you and partner can make that decision.there never a perfect time but what does your gut tell your is right?

I don't know. I feel like it probably is the right time but then I seriously wonder if I'm a good enough mum to manage. I worry that my parents/in laws will judge me for it and think I can't manage or should sort my career out first. But after writing the original post I kind of feel like it is best to do it now while we don't have much but have fewer financial worries than if we do it later and I'm stuck juggling a loss of £23k a year or going to work full time. I am broody too but I desperately wanted Rory and I really struggled to bond with him in his first year. Sorry for the ramble! But yeah I am so torn.

 

[lau86]

If I was in the situation you described I would go for it, it sounds like you have lots of opportunities work wise that will still be there if you have a second and it sounds like Rory would be happy with a sibling

 

[Pearls18]

If I was in your situation, and tbh I guess in a way I kind of am/was, I would go for it now. My priority would be and was a sibling for DS1, I was worried he would grow up an only child and then the next baby would have the same upbringing and it would be difficult going back to babydom years later. We were 22 when we had DS1, I hadn't done my postgraduate qualification, but I knew that as we had started (somewhat unintentionally!) family dynamic was for life, whereas career could come later. As it happens I'm managing to juggle it, I'm working part time and doing the qualification I need part time, it's not ideal and I wouldn't recommend it to someone WTT for their first, but for the sake of a sibling close-ish in age for DS1 it is worth the sacrifices.

It sounds like you are in a good position for a baby, just not the ideal one, but I would just think long term about what you want for your family.

 

[emyandpotato]

Thanks guys. I feel much better about it now. I think my main issue is what other people think about it. Like I'm 23 and still don't have my career started properly when everyone I went to school with finished their degree two years ago but I guess it's just a different way of doing it.

 

[Pearls18]

Thanks guys. I feel much better about it now. I think my main issue is what other people think about it. Like I'm 23 and still don't have my career started properly when everyone I went to school with finished their degree two years ago but I guess it's just a different way of doing it.

Never worry about what other people think, if you want to go ahead with the teaching now it has to be your choice not pressure from anyone else, the same with having a child, if you try to factor in everyone else's opinion you'll tear yourself apart in confusion, do what feels right for you, Rory and your husband, whatever that is

 

[emyandpotato]

Thank you I adore teaching now, but I don't know that I want to have to juggle teaching with a new baby and never be around and struggle financially because of it. I don't have to give up tutoring- I could probably keep that up once a week even with a newborn- so I'll still be teaching just not taking that next step.

 

[KalonKiki]

Honestly I would also go for it now while you have fewer financial worries and there would be a small enough age gap between your children that they could play together and relate to each other. I have siblings that are close to me in age and siblings that are either much older or much younger than myself and I feel closer and relate better to my brother that is 2 years younger and my sister that is 6 years younger (I have 9 siblings altogether). Having that big of an age gap is like having and only child and then another only child from what I've witnessed and heard from other people that are in similar situations. I'm sure that you'd do fine raising two children, I've heard that it's much easier to go from 1 to 2 and it is from 0 to 1.

 

[Eleanor ace]

If you're worried about what your families will say you could sit down with them and talk them through your decission to have another now (before ttc of when you are pregnant), lay out everything you've said here and how it makes sense practically (not taking a career break, not struggling financially with the srop in salary later on) and for Rory (to have a sibling now).

 

[emyandpotato]

If you're worried about what your families will say you could sit down with them and talk them through your decission to have another now (before ttc of when you are pregnant), lay out everything you've said here and how it makes sense practically (not taking a career break, not struggling financially with the srop in salary later on) and for Rory (to have a sibling now).

I think I will. I have been thinking about this all night and definitely set on it, just really hope everyone is on board! I am still getting over being the disappointment that has a baby at 20

 

[Pearls18]

If you're worried about what your families will say you could sit down with them and talk them through your decission to have another now (before ttc of when you are pregnant), lay out everything you've said here and how it makes sense practically (not taking a career break, not struggling financially with the srop in salary later on) and for Rory (to have a sibling now).

I think I will. I have been thinking about this all night and definitely set on it, just really hope everyone is on board! I am still getting over being the disappointment that has a baby at 20

Hun it sounds like you should be far from a disappointment, not many women are as head strong as you, to do a degree with a baby in toe is no easy thing, you should be proud of what you're doing not feeling ashamed the only people that need to be on board is you and your OH. Similarly don't feel pressure from any of us lol, that might be how we do it but if getting your career sorted first is important to you then that isn't wrong either, you have one life to live and it is too short to try and live it how others want you to.

 

[emyandpotato]

MarineWag I'm off out right now so no time for a long reply but just wanted to say massive thank you, that was really lovely of you to say and it has really cheered me up

 

[Eleanor ace]

If you're worried about what your families will say you could sit down with them and talk them through your decission to have another now (before ttc of when you are pregnant), lay out everything you've said here and how it makes sense practically (not taking a career break, not struggling financially with the srop in salary later on) and for Rory (to have a sibling now).

I think I will. I have been thinking about this all night and definitely set on it, just really hope everyone is on board! I am still getting over being the disappointment that has a baby at 20

Hun it sounds like you should be far from a disappointment, not many women are as head strong as you, to do a degree with a baby in toe is no easy thing, you should be proud of what you're doing not feeling ashamed the only people that need to be on board is you and your OH. Similarly don't feel pressure from any of us lol, that might be how we do it but if getting your career sorted first is important to you then that isn't wrong either, you have one life to live and it is too short to try and live it how others want you to.

Damn straight!!

 

[emyandpotato]

You're both lovely, thank you

Been talking a lot to OH about it and it just feels more and more right. Can't deny I'm nervous about what everyone will say but I will try and broach the subject with my mum when she's back from her holiday.

 

[Kess]

Just to pitch in on the sibling thing, my Mom has ten years between her and her next eldest sibling, and more than that between her and the older ones. They have a good relationship, at least she does with two out of the three, the other being more neutral than good just due to a personality clash. It was a different relationship, of course, than siblings who are closer in age, but she used to go and stay with them in the holidays and so on. It was in some ways more a pseudo-parental type relationship when she was little, but now as adults it's equal. So I wouldn't let wanting Rory to have a sibling a particular age gap sway you - I'm pretty sure the main factor in good sibling relations is personality not age.

But it sounds like you want another now and are just worried what people will say? In which case, ignore any naysayers! It sounds like you're in a great position and circumstance to have another now. As for having your 1st at 20, early twenties is the most natural time for our species to start having babies - we're most fertile then, most energetic, have least pregnancy complications, etc. Some of my inlaws waited till they'd done the career thing and had kids much later in life, and whilst it has its advantages - they have a nice house etc - they struggle to keep up with two energetic, sporty, tween girls. DH and I wanted kids young for that reason, and so we'd have time after to do career/travel/etc. We didn't start as early as you, but I'd have started earlier tbh if DH had got his arse in gear and proposed earlier!

 

[emyandpotato]

Just to pitch in on the sibling thing, my Mom has ten years between her and her next eldest sibling, and more than that between her and the older ones. They have a good relationship, at least she does with two out of the three, the other being more neutral than good just due to a personality clash. It was a different relationship, of course, than siblings who are closer in age, but she used to go and stay with them in the holidays and so on. It was in some ways more a pseudo-parental type relationship when she was little, but now as adults it's equal. So I wouldn't let wanting Rory to have a sibling a particular age gap sway you - I'm pretty sure the main factor in good sibling relations is personality not age.

But it sounds like you want another now and are just worried what people will say? In which case, ignore any naysayers! It sounds like you're in a great position and circumstance to have another now. As for having your 1st at 20, early twenties is the most natural time for our species to start having babies - we're most fertile then, most energetic, have least pregnancy complications, etc. Some of my inlaws waited till they'd done the career thing and had kids much later in life, and whilst it has its advantages - they have a nice house etc - they struggle to keep up with two energetic, sporty, tween girls. DH and I wanted kids young for that reason, and so we'd have time after to do career/travel/etc. We didn't start as early as you, but I'd have started earlier tbh if DH had got his arse in gear and proposed earlier!

Yeah me and my siblings have 2, 4, 5, 20 and 22 year age gaps and there has been a lot of difficulty all round so I am always wary of people saying such and such is best but then again I had always planned a 4-5 year gap, even when I was younger, and 10+ years seems a little too much for me personally.

Thanks! Yes 20 has worked out well for us it's just that of course we only are at the beginnings of our careers and don't own a house and don't have a lot of money, but thinking about it in our careers we'll probably never be on more than £30-40k each even when we retire so