Traumatic births

[purpledahlia]

oh my god they lost a swap??? how incompetant!!

I think im going to ask for my a copy of all my notes, i want to read it all on my own over and over and get any bad feelings out. At the end of the day Ava could of been left starved of oxygen meaning disabled but luckily they got their backsides in gear and got her out just in time.

 

[chuck]

i wish i didnt remember tbh,

Exactly theres a whole bunch I wish I didnt remember and there are bits i wish i could remember...hubby only got 20 mins with me and babba coz the section was outside visiting hours soi i wish i could remwmber the morning but i can brely remember our first real family moments as i was in pain and could ony have morphine despite asking for something else...morphine does not make for god memory!

 

[angelstardust]

DS2 will be 5 in April and was traumatic. I was diagnosed with PTSD after he was a year old, after I had a breakdown of sorts, split with my husband due to it and had already started to find my own way to deal with everything.

From my experience the advice I can give you all, if your interested...

You will survive it all.

Just because you have a lovely baby is not enough for you to just get over it, and when people say it is, don't be upset, they don't know what it's like. They wouldn't expect you to get over a bad car accident just because you got a shiny new car out of it would they?

Time does heal. The need to either keep reliving it, or avoid anything that makes you think of it, does fade with time. It does stop eating you up and consuming your life.

You can go on and have a normal pregnancy and a good birth experience after it (my lil daughter is proof).

You are allowed to feel any emotion you want to do with the birth, from anger, fear, horror, sadness. There is no right or wrong way to feel about it.

A de-briefing can help if you feel ready for this. You can request your birth notes and make an appointment to speak to someone about it. Contact your local PALS to arrange this. Your notes will cost money to copy, but looking at them is free.

If you need to keep talking about it, talk about it. Explain to those close to you that this is something you need to do to help you. If your not ready to talk, thats ok too, a day may come when you suddenly need to talk about it, or it may never happen.

I don't know what else to say, it wasn't until Amber was born and we got home that I finally 'got over it'. Her birth was very cleansing for me. But I had before that made peace with the fact that I couldn't change what happened, I didn't have to be happy with what happened, but I did eventually accept that it had happened. It was in the past and I could decide to keep reliving it, or put it to rest. I wouldn't say it was dead and buried exactly, I revisited it's grave often enough, but I had accepted that it was a part of me and managed to find something good about it. I got a second chance at life, I was shown just how wonderful life really is, not many people get to find that out.

I hope you all manage to find something in it that you can hold onto and put the rest somewhere quiet.

 

[Dona]

Hi girls,

I had a very traumatic lead up to, and the birth of my son Archie - he was 13 weeks early.

I was treated for Post Traumatic Stress via the method of rapid eye movement which went well. I agree with a few of the other Mummies on here that the best way to help sufferers of this is to talk about it and help others. So this is why I am now a representative of the prem charity BLISS and run a support group and man the help lines. The mental pain of the birth never goes away but I can now talk about it..even if its just a little.

I have copied and pasted this next part from my journal which you can read if you wish, in the parental section. I have still not managed to read it from start to finish. The best I've got is half way.

Sending you all strength hugs

Dona xxxx

I was due Archie on 9th May so didn't even make the 2nd trimester. Anyway, here is the story of the baby that just couldn't wait.

Monday 2nd Feb - Went to work expecting a normal day. I had a busy schedule in the morning and a team meeting in the afternoon (I manage a team of 12 ). It came to the last part of the meeting which my 2nd in command took for me, it was 3pm and I felt a wee bit wet so I went to the loo. I got a shock to see 3 big blood clots and lots of blood. Managed to get my hubby to pick me up and then off to the hospital we went. The snow was heavy and it took us an hr to get to the hospital when its only 15 mins from my work normally. Anyway gets to hospital and they told me to rest for the night as the bleeding started to settle. Baby is 26 weeks + 2

Tuesday - I was sent for a scan which found that my cervix were open 2cms and my placenta looked to be low lying. Started bleeding heavy and by night time I was having contractions. They gave me drugs which settled them. Was given one shot of steroids to mature the baby's lungs just in case he comes early. Back to the normal word as contractions stopped.

Wednesday - told to have complete bed rest, had to pee in a bed pan. Had final shot of steroids so baby's lungs will be two weeks ahead of where he is just now.

Thursday - Had another scan to check my cervix and placenta. My cervix has now opened to 4 cms and placenta was not over the neck of the womb so they thought that I could have a natural birth. The told me to expect the baby in the next couple of days. We were both really shocked and scared, didn't know what to expect. The Dr came round from the special baby unit to tell us what to expect from a baby at 26 weeks or 27 weeks. We were shown round the unit. Hard to take all this in, especially that I was just at work a few days ago and now I was going to have my baby.

Friday - Bed rest, heavy bleeding etc. Went back again to the labour suite as started having pains again. Was told to prepare myself to give birth soon.

Sat - Pains stopped but whilst waiting for a bed on the normal ward they started again and this time they were not stopping. I was in real labour. Totally scared stiff thinking about what my baby will be like. He is now 27 weeks exactly. My waters wouldn't break and I was finding it hard to push as he was so small my muscles couldn't hold on to him to push him out.

Sun @ 1.28am - Anyway gave one big push and they broke, baby was born 10 mins later. Both myself and hubby can't get out of our heads the look on Archies face when he popped out, he looked startled. Archie was taken away to the resus room then into an incubator. He weighed in at 2lb 6oz which is a good size for his gestation - 27+2. He also came out breathing on his own and still is so the steroids done their job.

Tues - left the hospital without Archie. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. Broke my heart and felt empty and lost.

 

[snowqueen]

Mine was horribly traumatic. I am still dealing with the physcial after affects of it over a year later that my stupid ob couldn't detect but another doctor could.

I can't even talk about it. Not because it was so terrible (which it was), I just can't talk about it because there is SO much detail and I don't want to relive it in my mind to write it down because I get SO pissed and I won't be able to stop writing. Not to mention I almost lost my baby boy in the process because of the stupid ob who was suppose to have the most experience out of all the doctors at the office. I did find out she had a malpractice lawsuit against her. I don't blame her entirely for what happend, I blame the anetheseologist and some of the snotty nurse staff too.

It doesn't affect my daily life (except for the pain) and I am fine emotionally, but damn, was it the MOST PAINFUL experience of my life and there was no need for that.

to top it off I ended up with PPD and so did my husband who was worse than me! But it was more than depression with him, he became this nasty person. He started up when I was still in the hospital! I can't begin to even tell anyone the details of those first few weeks. I could of really used his support but in the end he ended up bringing me down the most. I think he really caused me to get PPD. Things are totally different now and so much better, but that is a part of my life I don't want to relive because I had no one for support. I wish I would of been a stronger person and I really regret how I fell apart. I know he regrets the way he was too and he is sorry but it still bothers me, what was suppose to be one of the happiest days of my life was ruined on many different levels.

 

[littlekitten8]

I had quite a traumatic birth with James. Was in early labour for 3 days and then contracting every 5 minutes downwards for 53 hours til he was born. I was sent home from hospital twice and eventually stayed at home contracting in awful pain for 24 hours before I allowed my mum and OH to take me back to L&D (yes I'm stubborn). Was 5cm at this point (3am Tues). Waters never broke and I had to beg the midwife to break them at 10cm. Had been told for an hour not to push even though I was telling her I needed to. She told me it was just my waters bulging. In the end I couldn't stop myself and just pushed. My mum had to tell the midwife I was pushing cos she hadn't even noticed and she was sat next to the bloody bed! That was when she checked me and said I was fully dilated and broke my waters. Then they realised that he had turned and he was facing sideways so it was going to be difficult to push him out. His heartrate kept dropping with pushes and after an hour of pushing she called in the Registrar. He came half an hour later and said I could either push for another hour (thanks but I've been labouring for 52 frickin hours mate!) or they could take me to theatre for an assisted delivery. Went to theatre at 6pm and was offered the choice of having an epidural or a local anaesthetic. Having done it all on G&A I didn't want an epidural so I opted for the local. He put that in and then the consultant arrived. Well she tore him a new one! I didn't know until afterwards that at this point babys heartrate was dropping to the 50's with each push! So she basically said to him he needed to get the baby out right now or it would be an emergency c-section and that if he didnt give me a spinal I would have to be knocked out! The anaesthetist sat me on the side of the operating table and took a look to see if she would be able to do a spinal block ( I have scoliosis) and luckily she could so I was able to be awake. They lay me down and immediately inserted the forceps to turn him and then I had to push him out with the help of the forceps. He was taken straight to the rescusitaire and didn't cry straight away. I have never been so relieved as when he finally cried! They checked his blood gases on his cord blood and he had been slightly starved of oxygen so we are waiting to see if it has had any effect. It turns out the cord was wrapped round his neck and then looped 3 times down his arm so its no wonder he couldn't get through the birth canal. I lost roughly a litre of blood and narrowly missed a transfusion. When we got back to delivery to be monitored the midwife told us that if he hadn't been born when he was (so if I hadn't insisted I was too damn tired to push any longer) he would have been very sick and we could have lost him. He is currently showing signs of mild Cerebral Palsy and is under a paediatrician. I was adamant after I had him that I wasn't having another baby until they agreed that I could have an elective c-section at 38 weeks (he was born at 39 weeks). I would talk about it all the time. Now I am feeling alot better about it all and am even considering trying for another natural delivery. However I will not be using that hospital again and I certainly won't be fobbed off when I say I need to push.

 

[jelix9408]

i never had a birth plan or anything .. i went in with an open mind so i wouldnt be shocked if things got bad.

i was induced .. went about 9 hours and was still only dilated 3 cm.
i had an epidural a few hours before the dr's told me i needed to have a C-section because Willows head wasnt straight and there was no way of her coming out on her own.

so i was wheeled into the operating room .. they prepd me and then my OH came in.
i held my OHs hand and thought this is it .. just gonna feel afew pulls and tugs and she'll be here ... boy was i wrong.

my epidural ended up wearing on my right side and i thought they checked both my right and left side to see if i was numb.

when they went to cut my open i felt EVERYTHING on my right side.
i was screaming .. crying and begging them to stop!
they keep putting pain medications in my IV drip .. but nothing was helping.

the doctor then looked over the curtian and said "were at your uterus .. were about to take th ebbay out .. can you handle it just a bit longer?" and i said i guess .. then all of a sudden i was out like a light. they ended up putting me to sleep foir the last bit of the surgery.

i had the weirdest dream .. it was colors and shapes spinning and forming together.. yet i could still hear EVERYTHING going on .. well .. sort of .. and i honestly thought i was dieing. i thought i was never going to be able to meet my precious babygirl. then all of a sudden i felt like i couldnt breath .. i was so numb and drugged up i felt like i couldnt breath. i thought i was dieing .. and i was so scared.

the next think i know i hear my OHs voice telling me "baby you did it .. shes here" and i started to open my eyes. i looked up at him and he kissed my forehead .. he was the only one who could wake me up .. i wasnt waking up for the doctors.

they showed me willow but i was so drugged up i couldnt see her .. OH went off with LO and i remember closeing my eyes and feeling them putting me back together... i was seeing 3 of everything. i was taken off to recovery and was there for 2 hours .. then i was finally taken to my room where family and friends were and i got to really hold my babygirl for the firs time

 

[angelstardust]

was anyone else not interested in the baby afterwards?

I was kept in a chemical coma for 3 days after my C section, basically I bled, then was given a GA for the c section and woke up 3 days later. It took a further week for me to actually want to hold my baby. I expressed milk for him and did his cares (he was in NICU) and I held him a few times, but was really numb about him. He was a baby, I would not have harmed him, I would care for him, but the feeling of him being my baby took a long time to come. I think I had said goodbye to the baby in my tummy before I was knocked out and waking up to a baby who I was told was mine, was very... strange, I couldn't grasp that he was mine.

 

[purpledahlia]

angelstardust did you have PND?

I think i felt a bit like that when i first saw her, i was a bit like, oh, shes mine? but i was just basically given a baby.. i didnt feel like she was mine untill i had skin to skin with her later on.

so many people seem to have bad/rough times, does it put anyone off having another?

 

[OmarsMum]

Mine was very traumatic. I was scheduled for induction as I passed my due date by 10 days. at 5:00 am my water broke before going to the hospital so I had to run to the ER. After examination, they told me that the amniotic fluid was meconium-stained & I was 1cm dilated. I was induced at 9:00 am & monitored for contractions. At 3:00 pm, I was still 1 cm with no contractions at all! At 4:30 they decided to induce me again, & they gave me Penicillin injection! I was checked again at 8:00 pm. Again nothing changed! & they decided to induce me again at 9:00 pm & they gave me Penicillin again. After they placed the inducing tablet, the doctor on duty checked my CTG, & I heard her wispering to the nurses & MW. They immediately removed the tablet (which was soooooo painful) & requested for CS. As I had dinner @8:00 pm. I was scheduled for the CS @ 12:00 am. I was given epidural, & everything was going fine, then I heard my baby crying. I asked them to give me LO but they refused I so doctors rushing to the OR. I started to panic & wanted to c my baby. My OH was sooooo pale, as they were giving my LO oxygen. My LO was exausted and stuck to my uterus! When I saw him there was a BIG bump on his forehead, & I was told that my LO was born with some defects in his head! I went shouting, and I was bleeding, and threatened to sue them if they did something wrong to my LO. After they stitched my wound & took me to recovery room, they gave me my LO, and I started BF. The bump started to dissapear (I still think it was a miracle) and my LO looked ok. WHen they checked him (after 2 days) they told me he was normal. I couldnt stand to stay more at the hospital & just left on day 3. Now, thank God, my LO is healthy & doing great.. & this bad experience is almost forgotten. Al; what matters now is seeing my LO growing happily & healthy

 

[OmarsMum]

angelstardust did you have PND?

I think i felt a bit like that when i first saw her, i was a bit like, oh, shes mine? but i was just basically given a baby.. i didnt feel like she was mine untill i had skin to skin with her later on.

so many people seem to have bad/rough times, does it put anyone off having another?

I was planning ttc after 1 yr from having my 1st LO, but after what happen during my delivery, I decided to wait for 3yrs

 

[angelstardust]

angelstardust did you have PND?

I think i felt a bit like that when i first saw her, i was a bit like, oh, shes mine? but i was just basically given a baby.. i didnt feel like she was mine untill i had skin to skin with her later on.

so many people seem to have bad/rough times, does it put anyone off having another?

Not PND, I was just numb. Post traumatic stress was diagnosed when he was a year old, one year too late for me.

With everything that happened, I was told NOT to have any more, they have no idea how I survived because I should be dead so in the words of my consultant 'another would be suicide'. Although that another issue, I was told what happened, how serious it was and that I should be dead several times over, and then left in a room on my own for 2 hours till my DH came up to visit. This was a week after he was born and I was still very weak and ill.

And then 4 years later we had a huge shock that my minera had failed and I was pregnant...

 

[chuck]

I think i felt a bit like that when i first saw her, i was a bit like, oh, shes mine? but i was just basically given a baby.

I felt like that, I still do, I did have skin to skin, it wasn't offered I had to ask but I was literally numb from the spinal I could feel my arms and that was it.

I was shown him in theatre but only after a few minutes when he was wrapped up - they didn't lift him over the curtain for me to see, I kinda feel like he could be anyone's, I wasn't able to see him or feel him enter the world I could hardly welcome him to the world stuck on that bed alone with a spinal making me completely numb and the theatre team not speaking to me. I didn't even get to see my husband greet his son.

He's here and I care for him greatly but I don't really feel like he is MY son yet, I cant seem to link him to the baby I carried for 9 months. It's weird.

 

[FemmeEnceinte]

I was so exhausted after being awake for days and then having to go through an induction that I passed out pretty much as soon as she was born. I kept looking at her thinking "aw, baby" and then going back to sleep. I was too out of it to feel like "wow, that's MY baby", but then when they took her away from me when she was a few hours old I cried so hard that I sort of knew then that we'd bonded and not to worry about feeling so tired and out of it.

But, they do say it can take months to properly bond with your baby so what you're feeling isn't unusual Chuck.

 

[chuck]

But, they do say it can take months to properly bond with your baby so what you're feeling isn't unusual Chuck.

I know...the sad thing is I know all of this, I know its going to take me a good few eeks/months to get over things and start feeling better physically/emotionally/mentally etc, I've done my reading I've spoken to the MW and HV but arrrgghhh knowing its all normal doesn't help. I just feel more frustrated that I do feel like it despite knowing it because of the section/hormones what ever.

I have a history of depression so I know the warning signs and I'm trying not to dwell on things and let my thinking fall into those old routines but its hard right now.

I'm hoping the counselling and birth after thoughts sessions and eventually being able to et out of the darned house will help before things get too bad again.

 

[purpledahlia]

I think i felt a bit like that when i first saw her, i was a bit like, oh, shes mine? but i was just basically given a baby.

I felt like that, I still do, I did have skin to skin, it wasn't offered I had to ask but I was literally numb from the spinal I could feel my arms and that was it.

I was shown him in theatre but only after a few minutes when he was wrapped up - they didn't lift him over the curtain for me to see, I kinda feel like he could be anyone's, I wasn't able to see him or feel him enter the world I could hardly welcome him to the world stuck on that bed alone with a spinal making me completely numb and the theatre team not speaking to me. I didn't even get to see my husband greet his son.

He's here and I care for him greatly but I don't really feel like he is MY son yet, I cant seem to link him to the baby I carried for 9 months. It's weird.

same here about the curtain and spinal etc, I didnt get to see her for what seemed like ages, they took her away and wrapped her up etc then gave her to my mum only then did i get to see her, then my mum Ava and the mw went back to my labour room and they did her weight and cleaned her up etc and i was left in theatre alone for ages being dewn back up. Then eventually taken back to the labour room and i got skin to skin. Was left on the induction drip and one other for 3 hours afterwards aswell. eventually taken to the ward at 4am - she was born at 9 30!

 

[pip holder]

Chuck I felt/feel the same
I posted in the PND thread last night but no one has answered as yet. I don't know what to do but thats EXACTLY how I felt after section and then struggled massively with feeding

 

[dizzyspells]

I had an awful Birth with my 1st and we both nearly didnt make it its a long story and still upsets me to talk about it and its over 6yrs ago.I was so scared when we decided to try for another 5yrs later but I voiced my fears and although I was induced early I actually had a good experience this time.x

 

[chuck]

Chuck I felt/feel the same
I posted in the PND thread last night but no one has answered as yet. I don't know what to do but thats EXACTLY how I felt after section and then struggled massively with feeding

Feeding after a section or at least trying to BF after is hard. I had my hand forced into FF by lack of assistance/care when I really needed it right after the section.

 

[purpledahlia]

same here.