trying or success stories after stillbirth

[Becktoria]

I know what you mean delish I feel as though somebody us just rubbing salt into my wounds. I want a baby so bad I want my little girl. My other sister( I have 3) has contacted sands for me an they are going to get back to her and let her know if there are any active groups in my area. I'm from up north? In Cheshire, what about you?I feel better for coming on here though,it helps me to talk to people that have been through the same. I can't help but feel jealous and I know I shouldn't ,why me, why us, just why did this cruel thing have to happen. I seem to b having more bad days than good lately. I feel as though I'm being a burden on my friends and family, I'm sick of myself crying so they must b thinking the same. I want my mum so bad, I need her. She passed away straight after my 1st daughter was born, I didn't really get to enjoy her being a newborn and was wishing for this time to b so different and full of happiness, how wrong was I. I wish mum was here just to cuddle me sorry for sounding so depressed um
Normally a very bubbly positive person xxx

 

[DMH1988]

Becktoria, I feel the same way. A friend of his family just had a baby and I couldn't even think to go to the hospital and see them. I had spent the morning swimming with them and then they were heading to see the new baby. I cried all the way home and then got into bed and cried until he got home and finally calmed me.

I know a baby being born is suppose to be a happy thing, but it's just hard not to feel sad at the same time when that was suppose to be you. I don't think they can truely understand our sadness because they got their miracle when we didn't.

 

[Becktoria]

Well it's my appt tomoz wiv consultant. I'm so nervous about it. Don't think I will get any answers to why I had placenta abruption. I want to try again
So bad but so petrified will happen again. Plus I need to lose some weight first. You don't mind as much about the weight as you have your beautiful baby but we don't have are angels so makes me feel depressed that much more

 

[Delish]

I was just wondering yesterday how you were doing Becktoria, I meant to come and post but got carried away making candles (decided I needed a hobby!).
What time's your appointment? Have you got a list of questions to ask? Mine was horrible but I cross everything you have a consultant who has sensitivity as most people seem to have better experiences than I did. I had placental abruption too but he didn't really mention it as a factor so I'm assuming it probably happened after G died. In a way it's good I guess to not have a reason as it means there's nothing wrong for future? But frustrating too.

I don't want to talk about losing weight this week, I have fallen off the wagon bigtime! Getting back on next month if not pregnant I guess.

I really hope you'll be trying alongside us soon (when you're ready of course), I'm very ready for my rainbow baby and hoping & praying for yours too. xx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Hi ladies, hope you are well.

I had my follow-up last Thurs and it went quite well really. I had swung it so I got the OB I have some faith in (he's the only one that comes up this way so I requested my appt nearer here rather than the base hospital) and I'm glad I did.

He said that there was Group B strep evident in the membranes and placenta, though he has no way of knowing whether the memrane rupture introduced the strep or the strep broke the membranes but he thinks my cervix opened enough to allow the membranes to become exposed to the bacteria which weakened and broke them. That's pretty much the conclusion I had come to as well, as in retrospect I had a few signs of silent dilation, though I didn't recognise them at the time and I tested positive for GBS on admission.

I thought I would have to fight for monitoring in any future pregnancy as lots of the doctors were maintaining that I couldn't have IC as I had birthed my first DD at near enough full term but he said straight away that they would be monitoring cervical length by ultrasound weekly from 10 weeks if I get pregnant again and doing a cerclage immediately if any change. He said that as I'd had a previous c/section that they could rule out a non stardardly shaped uterus as it would have been noticed when they were rummaging about in there so he really thinks it was just the distension caused by the twin pregnancy that caused the IC but they will treat it very seriously anyway. There is a chance that the previous C/S may have done something to the cervix as he told me that's where they are working when they do it and I had a small extension downwards as well.

He said there was no medical evidence for waiting longer than a couple of months post birth for a loss at 20wks, the rest was for emotional reasons. When we left he gave us both a big hug and told us how sorry he was for our losses, I wasn't expecting that!

I came away quite uplifted as so much of what he said was what I was going to harangue him about and I didn't have to. He actually said I'd obviously done my homework and asked very good questions - wow! An obstetrician without a huge ego!

Since then though I've hardly been able to sleep, I just can't still my mind and I seem to be going backwards, I feel so guilty about wanting to try again so soon. I was wondering if we should wait till after the boys would have realistically been here, had they survived, as then the new pregnancy (if I'm so lucky) will have been possible without their loss, IYKWIM? Have any of you thought about this? I'm so scared that if we are successful, and get to term and bring home a baby, that every time I look at him/her I think "you are only here because your brothers died" but then that would make him or her even more of a gift from her brothers, oh I don't know, my head is all over the place.

That's my update anyway, hope to be joining you in the quest for a rainbow soonish, once I get my head a bit straighter....

 

[Becktoria]

Hi ladies had my appt today. Didn't really get any answers but wasn't expecting to.she the only thing that was a little cause for concern was that my placenta was on the small side she seems to think maybe it hasn't attached properly to begin wiv and may hav not been picked up on scan. Everything else come back fine. I have to have mmr jab as I'm not immune to rubella so once I have this done tomorrow I can't try for a baby for 3 months so will have to wait til after Xmas. I've also had full blood tests done today to check for any blood clotting disorders but she doesn't seem to thinking have this. Also been sent for scan on 7th to check everyting ok an if there are any fibriods present. Consultant was lovely and really thorough. Next time I get pregnant I will be monitored very closely and have regular scans, also baby will b delivered at 34wks if I get that far, fingers crossed and praying we will never have ti go through this heartbreak again. I still feel petrified for trying after Xmas as nobody can giv us any definite answers as to if this will happen again. Feel so down tonight, just bringing all those painful memories to the surface. Nikki I'm so glad u got answers, lots of baby dust for you I hope you get your rainbow baby soon. I know exactly what you mean about having baby and thinking they wudnt b here if this hadn't happened, but your rainbow will be your ray of sunshine and a true blessing. I know I won't start to feel happy again until I have a healthy, crying baby in my arms. My beautiful girl will never ever be replaced but having another will fill some of that hole that has been left in my heart. Delish thankyou for your kind words. I don't know what I wud of done without you ladies, let's all stay in touch. I am always here for you all for a chat . Big hugs to everyone xxxxx

 

[mhazzab]

Hi ladies, hope you are well.


He said that there was Group B strep evident in the membranes and placenta, though he has no way of knowing whether the memrane rupture introduced the strep or the strep broke the membranes but he thinks my cervix opened enough to allow the membranes to become exposed to the bacteria which weakened and broke them. That's pretty much the conclusion I had come to as well, as in retrospect I had a few signs of silent dilation, though I didn't recognise them at the time and I tested positive for GBS on admission.

That's the same thing that they told me, baby and placenta infected by group b strep but they don't know if it caused early labour or was a result of it. Their conclusion for me was no known cause. Do you mind me asking what signs you had of silent dilation? When I went into hospital, they examined me and they said my cervix was closed, but within about 30 mins when I was examined again it was fully dilated? I still worry if maybe it was a cervix issue.

xx

 

[Delish]

Hi Nikki, Becktoria, mhazzab *waves*

Becktoria I'm really glad your appointment went ok. I'm amazed they told you you'd deliver at 34 weeks next time, did they say why? I asked if I could be induced before 36 weeks and was told no (but they will do it at 36) as they think the risk would be greater before then. Frustrating how it differs depending on your consultant!
Such a shame you can't try for 3 months, but you could use the time to prepare so you're ready to go when you get the ok? Eg. get your folic acid, start tracking your cycle so you know where you are with it all when the time comes. Might help keep your mind busy if nothing else.

Everyone feels differently, but I'll try and explain how I feel about wanting to try straightaway. But these are only my reasons, not wrong or right, just how I feel. I wanted to have another baby to hold, to watch grow up, to grow up with my daughter. That was taken from me and it's NOT that I want to replace him, because I can't, children aren't interchangeable. In the same way as having a child already doesn't somehow lessen the pain or make up for what I've lost.
But. I still have that want & need, for a baby in my arms. I can't have that baby in my arms and I'll love and miss him until I die but his not being here doesn't change that need, if anything it makes it a million times stronger. I did have another baby, I do have a second child, but I want another one here. With me, with my daughter.
I don't know if it makes sense but I'll stop now before I get upset. Hope it's understood a little.

None of us are wrong for however we choose to go on from here. But whenever any of you are ready I promise I'm right here to hold your hands through it, Becktoria you're right - I dunno what I'd do without the support of others going through this. No one else can EVER understand unless they've been in our shoes.

Massive hugs to all of us. xxx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Hi ladies, hope you are well.


He said that there was Group B strep evident in the membranes and placenta, though he has no way of knowing whether the memrane rupture introduced the strep or the strep broke the membranes but he thinks my cervix opened enough to allow the membranes to become exposed to the bacteria which weakened and broke them. That's pretty much the conclusion I had come to as well, as in retrospect I had a few signs of silent dilation, though I didn't recognise them at the time and I tested positive for GBS on admission.

That's the same thing that they told me, baby and placenta infected by group b strep but they don't know if it caused early labour or was a result of it. Their conclusion for me was no known cause. Do you mind me asking what signs you had of silent dilation? When I went into hospital, they examined me and they said my cervix was closed, but within about 30 mins when I was examined again it was fully dilated? I still worry if maybe it was a cervix issue.

xx

Hi Mhazzab,

The signs were very very slight, but about a week prior to the rupture I had a snotty clump of discharge, after no discharge the whole pregnancy (all my mucus production seemed to be happening in my nose, lol, same as with DD) and I remember thinking "that looks a bit plug-like" but then there was no more and it went out of my head. From about then on (in hindsight) I had a watery clear discharge, which kept making me run to the loo to check for blood as it had that dribbly feeling to it (sorry TMI), it had no smell and wasn't the milky discharge you normally get with pregnancy but it's been so long since I was last pregnant i just thought it must be pregnancy discharge. I've since read it can be a sign of silent dilation and one of the Obstetricians said something similar. The whole time from about 10 weeks I had lots of what I thought were Braxton Hicks and I was generally damn uncomfortable for most of the time, but the distension was probably caused by the twin pregnancy.

How were you checked though? By internal Ultrasound, or just manually? The thing is, it starts to dilate from the inside out, so it could start funnelling for quite a while, allowing the membranes to bulge into the cervix quite a bit but not be picked up from a visual or manual exam, unless it's by U/S. A manual exam may have triggered the sudden dilation for you as well. I don't know how dilated I became because I wouldn't allow any more manual exams after the first sterile speculum on admisssion, to try to keep infection out, but i obviously dilated enough to push them out.

Did you have obvious contractions before your waters broke? i.e was it early labour proper, or pPROM?

Did they say whether they would monitor for cervix issues in any subsequent pregnancy? If you are worried I would push for that, as too many times IC isn't diagnosed till you've had two or more losses, that's just not on, as far as I'm concerned. Did they say they would do anything for you in a future pregnancy?

My Ob did say that strep is naturally present in many women at some point (which I knew) and that in itself is no cause for alarm, only if it's in the urine, then it signals a massive overgrowth. He said normally there is no way for it to get into the upper tract (uterus) unless the cervix has opened to let it in, but I know if it's in the urine it can trigger contractions as well.

Can I ask how long your waters were broken for before you went into labour? This may help you ascertain whether the strep would have had time to ascend after the rupture, or whether it was more likely the cause of it. I had 6 days from rupture to labour, so for me there really is no way of knowing which came first but if yours was quite fast then I'd be asking the question how it got in there and definately pushing for cervical checks in future. he said that after a rupture it's not a case of if infection will happen, but when.

I'm sorry you got no answers, i didn't either really as there is no way of knowing for sure but I was glad I didn't have to fight for the cervix checks, as that was my main concern as well. Can you get back in touch with them to ask some more questions? Hope you get somewhere, otherwise, if you get pregnant, just make some noise until they listen to you!

Sorry this turned into an essay!

ETA: I've also read that the body can be tricked by the weight of twins + amniotic fluid etc to think it's time to go into labour, so it may just be a twin thing too, sad as that is. xx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Hi ladies had my appt today. Didn't really get any answers but wasn't expecting to.she the only thing that was a little cause for concern was that my placenta was on the small side she seems to think maybe it hasn't attached properly to begin wiv and may hav not been picked up on scan. Everything else come back fine. I have to have mmr jab as I'm not immune to rubella so once I have this done tomorrow I can't try for a baby for 3 months so will have to wait til after Xmas. I've also had full blood tests done today to check for any blood clotting disorders but she doesn't seem to thinking have this. Also been sent for scan on 7th to check everyting ok an if there are any fibriods present. Consultant was lovely and really thorough. Next time I get pregnant I will be monitored very closely and have regular scans, also baby will b delivered at 34wks if I get that far, fingers crossed and praying we will never have ti go through this heartbreak again. I still feel petrified for trying after Xmas as nobody can giv us any definite answers as to if this will happen again. Feel so down tonight, just bringing all those painful memories to the surface. Nikki I'm so glad u got answers, lots of baby dust for you I hope you get your rainbow baby soon. I know exactly what you mean about having baby and thinking they wudnt b here if this hadn't happened, but your rainbow will be your ray of sunshine and a true blessing. I know I won't start to feel happy again until I have a healthy, crying baby in my arms. My beautiful girl will never ever be replaced but having another will fill some of that hole that has been left in my heart. Delish thankyou for your kind words. I don't know what I wud of done without you ladies, let's all stay in touch. I am always here for you all for a chat . Big hugs to everyone xxxxx

Thanks, Beckatoria. I'm sorry you didn't really get any answers, I didn't really either but was just glad they will monitor me in future, I'm glad they will for you, too.

I'm with Delish, try to use the time to prepare as best you can. I want to lose a heap of wieght, but I'm 39 so don't have too much time up my sleeve but if I can set a date for myself I might try to do a bit, though it can't be too severe or I might mess up my cycles. Anyway, is there anything you'd like to do before you try again? Go on holiday, lose weight, get wildly drunk, jump out of a plane? You could make a mini pre-pregnancy "bucket list" and work your way through it. Says the woman sitting in her dressing gown, lol. I've got flu, I've an excuse for today, don't for all the others though! Anyway, just a thought, that mabe having a date to work to may bo no bad thing, as I'm swinging from wanting to try right now, to doing the things I know I should first, so if he'd said "wait till blah" it may have motivated me abit instead of this endless indecision. Loads of babydust to you for December, could you go away for a romantic Christmas together somewhere? xx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Hi Nikki, Becktoria, mhazzab *waves*

Everyone feels differently, but I'll try and explain how I feel about wanting to try straightaway. But these are only my reasons, not wrong or right, just how I feel. I wanted to have another baby to hold, to watch grow up, to grow up with my daughter. That was taken from me and it's NOT that I want to replace him, because I can't, children aren't interchangeable. In the same way as having a child already doesn't somehow lessen the pain or make up for what I've lost.
But. I still have that want & need, for a baby in my arms. I can't have that baby in my arms and I'll love and miss him until I die but his not being here doesn't change that need, if anything it makes it a million times stronger. I did have another baby, I do have a second child, but I want another one here. With me, with my daughter.
I don't know if it makes sense but I'll stop now before I get upset. Hope it's understood a little.

Thanks, Delish, that does make perfect sense. It breaks my heart to see my daughter lonely and wanting a sibling soo bad, she asks me every day if we'll try again, it was the first thing she asked when she came home from school after we'd been to our appointment. I also have the need for a baby and none of the reasons for that have gone away, I really want one right now, even though I know I'm probably not emotionally ready, but I doubt I ever will be, really. I was just wondering if I should wait until after the boys' due date so that it would be possible for any new baby to exist even if they had survived, it's just a stupid thing I'm stuck on. No-one has the magic answer, I know.

Thanks to all of you for your lovely support here by the way, and for being so welcoming xxx

 

[mhazzab]

Hi ladies, hope you are well.


He said that there was Group B strep evident in the membranes and placenta, though he has no way of knowing whether the memrane rupture introduced the strep or the strep broke the membranes but he thinks my cervix opened enough to allow the membranes to become exposed to the bacteria which weakened and broke them. That's pretty much the conclusion I had come to as well, as in retrospect I had a few signs of silent dilation, though I didn't recognise them at the time and I tested positive for GBS on admission.

That's the same thing that they told me, baby and placenta infected by group b strep but they don't know if it caused early labour or was a result of it. Their conclusion for me was no known cause. Do you mind me asking what signs you had of silent dilation? When I went into hospital, they examined me and they said my cervix was closed, but within about 30 mins when I was examined again it was fully dilated? I still worry if maybe it was a cervix issue.

xx

Hi Mhazzab,

The signs were very very slight, but about a week prior to the rupture I had a snotty clump of discharge, after no discharge the whole pregnancy (all my mucus production seemed to be happening in my nose, lol, same as with DD) and I remember thinking "that looks a bit plug-like" but then there was no more and it went out of my head. From about then on (in hindsight) I had a watery clear discharge, which kept making me run to the loo to check for blood as it had that dribbly feeling to it (sorry TMI), it had no smell and wasn't the milky discharge you normally get with pregnancy but it's been so long since I was last pregnant i just thought it must be pregnancy discharge. I've since read it can be a sign of silent dilation and one of the Obstetricians said something similar. The whole time from about 10 weeks I had lots of what I thought were Braxton Hicks and I was generally damn uncomfortable for most of the time, but the distension was probably caused by the twin pregnancy.

How were you checked though? By internal Ultrasound, or just manually? The thing is, it starts to dilate from the inside out, so it could start funnelling for quite a while, allowing the membranes to bulge into the cervix quite a bit but not be picked up from a visual or manual exam, unless it's by U/S. A manual exam may have triggered the sudden dilation for you as well. I don't know how dilated I became because I wouldn't allow any more manual exams after the first sterile speculum on admisssion, to try to keep infection out, but i obviously dilated enough to push them out.

Did you have obvious contractions before your waters broke? i.e was it early labour proper, or pPROM?

Did they say whether they would monitor for cervix issues in any subsequent pregnancy? If you are worried I would push for that, as too many times IC isn't diagnosed till you've had two or more losses, that's just not on, as far as I'm concerned. Did they say they would do anything for you in a future pregnancy?

My Ob did say that strep is naturally present in many women at some point (which I knew) and that in itself is no cause for alarm, only if it's in the urine, then it signals a massive overgrowth. He said normally there is no way for it to get into the upper tract (uterus) unless the cervix has opened to let it in, but I know if it's in the urine it can trigger contractions as well.

Can I ask how long your waters were broken for before you went into labour? This may help you ascertain whether the strep would have had time to ascend after the rupture, or whether it was more likely the cause of it. I had 6 days from rupture to labour, so for me there really is no way of knowing which came first but if yours was quite fast then I'd be asking the question how it got in there and definately pushing for cervical checks in future. he said that after a rupture it's not a case of if infection will happen, but when.

I'm sorry you got no answers, i didn't either really as there is no way of knowing for sure but I was glad I didn't have to fight for the cervix checks, as that was my main concern as well. Can you get back in touch with them to ask some more questions? Hope you get somewhere, otherwise, if you get pregnant, just make some noise until they listen to you!

Sorry this turned into an essay!

ETA: I've also read that the body can be tricked by the weight of twins + amniotic fluid etc to think it's time to go into labour, so it may just be a twin thing too, sad as that is. xx

Nikki – thanks for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time.

I had a lot of discharge during pregnancy, but then it got kind of green and snot-like on the Friday (sorry if TMI, lol) and was like little lumps. Like you, I wondered if it was the plug. For the previous couple of weeks I had been having Braxton hicks. Looking back, that weekend I had a few mild contractions. This was my first pregnancy so I didn’t realise that was what they were. There may have been a clear watery discharge too but I’m not 100% sure. On the Sunday, there was a tiny bit of blood in the discharge, and I had another couple of contractions so I went into hospital. They examined me manually/visually, but as soon as they finished, I started having really bad contractions. I keep going over in my head, I wonder whether everything would have been okay if I had refused the exam, and I feel guilty, but then, I know that something was wrong before that, maybe it just sped things along.

I was having really bad contractions and in labour for about 3 hours before my waters from the first twin literally exploded, yuk, they hit the wall opposite me and soaked the midwife (!). After that, everything stopped, and it was almost 24 hours before the contractions started again and my girls were born a few hours later.

They did say I would get extra scans, possibly antibiotics, and internal scan around the same time I lost the girls, when I’m next pregnant. I reckon I will really push for the extra care, I’m not going through this again if it can be avoided. We were supposed to have it with this pregnancy, but it hadn’t started yet by the time I had them. Maybe I should go back to the consultant and ask them about what we have discussed…I might do that when I find myself pregnant again, so we can discuss what extra care I get, and when.

Thanks again, sorry it was so long! xx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Hi ladies, hope you are well.


He said that there was Group B strep evident in the membranes and placenta, though he has no way of knowing whether the memrane rupture introduced the strep or the strep broke the membranes but he thinks my cervix opened enough to allow the membranes to become exposed to the bacteria which weakened and broke them. That's pretty much the conclusion I had come to as well, as in retrospect I had a few signs of silent dilation, though I didn't recognise them at the time and I tested positive for GBS on admission.

That's the same thing that they told me, baby and placenta infected by group b strep but they don't know if it caused early labour or was a result of it. Their conclusion for me was no known cause. Do you mind me asking what signs you had of silent dilation? When I went into hospital, they examined me and they said my cervix was closed, but within about 30 mins when I was examined again it was fully dilated? I still worry if maybe it was a cervix issue.

xx

Hi Mhazzab,

The signs were very very slight, but about a week prior to the rupture I had a snotty clump of discharge, after no discharge the whole pregnancy (all my mucus production seemed to be happening in my nose, lol, same as with DD) and I remember thinking "that looks a bit plug-like" but then there was no more and it went out of my head. From about then on (in hindsight) I had a watery clear discharge, which kept making me run to the loo to check for blood as it had that dribbly feeling to it (sorry TMI), it had no smell and wasn't the milky discharge you normally get with pregnancy but it's been so long since I was last pregnant i just thought it must be pregnancy discharge. I've since read it can be a sign of silent dilation and one of the Obstetricians said something similar. The whole time from about 10 weeks I had lots of what I thought were Braxton Hicks and I was generally damn uncomfortable for most of the time, but the distension was probably caused by the twin pregnancy.

How were you checked though? By internal Ultrasound, or just manually? The thing is, it starts to dilate from the inside out, so it could start funnelling for quite a while, allowing the membranes to bulge into the cervix quite a bit but not be picked up from a visual or manual exam, unless it's by U/S. A manual exam may have triggered the sudden dilation for you as well. I don't know how dilated I became because I wouldn't allow any more manual exams after the first sterile speculum on admisssion, to try to keep infection out, but i obviously dilated enough to push them out.

Did you have obvious contractions before your waters broke? i.e was it early labour proper, or pPROM?

Did they say whether they would monitor for cervix issues in any subsequent pregnancy? If you are worried I would push for that, as too many times IC isn't diagnosed till you've had two or more losses, that's just not on, as far as I'm concerned. Did they say they would do anything for you in a future pregnancy?

My Ob did say that strep is naturally present in many women at some point (which I knew) and that in itself is no cause for alarm, only if it's in the urine, then it signals a massive overgrowth. He said normally there is no way for it to get into the upper tract (uterus) unless the cervix has opened to let it in, but I know if it's in the urine it can trigger contractions as well.

Can I ask how long your waters were broken for before you went into labour? This may help you ascertain whether the strep would have had time to ascend after the rupture, or whether it was more likely the cause of it. I had 6 days from rupture to labour, so for me there really is no way of knowing which came first but if yours was quite fast then I'd be asking the question how it got in there and definately pushing for cervical checks in future. he said that after a rupture it's not a case of if infection will happen, but when.

I'm sorry you got no answers, i didn't either really as there is no way of knowing for sure but I was glad I didn't have to fight for the cervix checks, as that was my main concern as well. Can you get back in touch with them to ask some more questions? Hope you get somewhere, otherwise, if you get pregnant, just make some noise until they listen to you!

Sorry this turned into an essay!

ETA: I've also read that the body can be tricked by the weight of twins + amniotic fluid etc to think it's time to go into labour, so it may just be a twin thing too, sad as that is. xx

Nikki – thanks for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time.

I had a lot of discharge during pregnancy, but then it got kind of green and snot-like on the Friday (sorry if TMI, lol) and was like little lumps. Like you, I wondered if it was the plug. For the previous couple of weeks I had been having Braxton hicks. Looking back, that weekend I had a few mild contractions. This was my first pregnancy so I didn’t realise that was what they were. There may have been a clear watery discharge too but I’m not 100% sure. On the Sunday, there was a tiny bit of blood in the discharge, and I had another couple of contractions so I went into hospital. They examined me manually/visually, but as soon as they finished, I started having really bad contractions. I keep going over in my head, I wonder whether everything would have been okay if I had refused the exam, and I feel guilty, but then, I know that something was wrong before that, maybe it just sped things along.

I was having really bad contractions and in labour for about 3 hours before my waters from the first twin literally exploded, yuk, they hit the wall opposite me and soaked the midwife (!). After that, everything stopped, and it was almost 24 hours before the contractions started again and my girls were born a few hours later.

They did say I would get extra scans, possibly antibiotics, and internal scan around the same time I lost the girls, when I’m next pregnant. I reckon I will really push for the extra care, I’m not going through this again if it can be avoided. We were supposed to have it with this pregnancy, but it hadn’t started yet by the time I had them. Maybe I should go back to the consultant and ask them about what we have discussed…I might do that when I find myself pregnant again, so we can discuss what extra care I get, and when.

Thanks again, sorry it was so long! xx

No worries. It wasn't as long as my ramble!

Hindsight's a wonderful thing, isn't it? I go over and over things too. I don't think you should blame yourself for allowing the internal though, unfortunately it sounds like it was fairly far advanced by that stage - given that you'd had a bloody show by then. The only reason I asked that was that there is no way they could discount funnelling etc by a manual exam. It would have happened anyway. It does really sound like a true case of preterm labour for you, maybe triggered by the strep - they told me that I would go into labour if my body detected infection as a protective mechanism and that's what happened to me. I'm no doctor though. I had SROM with DD before labour started (but at near enough term, so it didn't matter) and I was put on a time limit to deliver because of the chance of infection, but I think it was 48hours or something like that, so I would wonder if the time your waters were broken for would be enough to allow it to ascend, or if it somehow got in prior, causing the labour. No-one seems to be able to say for sure, do they? I wish some more research would be done on this, so less people need suffer this.

There's quite a good website I found all about pretem labour and avoiding it : https://www.keepemcookin.com/symptoms.aspx

It might be worth a look.

I'm glad they have offered extra care for you, you may just have to push for it to start earlier - the risky time for IC seems to be from 16-27 weeks, I think so ideally monitoring should start prior to then, especially if a rescue cerclage is going to possibly be needed - the best results seem to be when they are placed about 12 - 14 weeks, before things get too critical. I'm sure if you were to be pregnant with a singleton, it would be less likely though but worth the caution anyway.

Did you know you were carrying twins? If so, did anyone warn you about the possibility of preterm labour? I didn't know I was carrying two for sure, I had a strong feeling but I'd declined the 12 week scan as I didn't want the nuchal test - my anomaly scan was scheduled for the day after I ended up having the emergency because my waters had gone the day prior, so it was bittersweet to find out and see them both on the scan that day.

Oh, that's turned into another ramble, sorry!
xxx

 

[Becktoria]

Hi everyone. How r u all doing? Need somebody to talk to. it's been 9 wkd this week since my angel went to heaven. Feel really really down. My other little girl has started school so I'm in house all day, thinking of even going back to work but emotionally don't think I can hack it. Not due back at work offically until march as that wud of been the end of my 9 month maternity. It's driving me insane being at home wiv no baby. As well as my sister who has just had a beautiful boy one of my close friends had her baby boy last week too. Feel so lonely, and negative and jealous. Does any1 else feel the same? When am I going to feel better, I was doing do well but feel I've took 5 steps back with nobody to talk to. sorry for going on x

 

[DMH1988]

I have those days sometimes. I'm getting close to my due date which happens to be his birthday so I know that will be the hardest day for both of us. I was with his mom at her doctor the other day and a baby in the waiting room was screaming and crying the entire time. The man with her just sat there reading and completely ignored her. By the time his mom returned I was practically in tears. It was terrible

 

[Nikki_d72]

Hi Beckatoria, aww I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I've had plenty like that, I think I'm getting better and then back it all comes.

It must be hard being on mat leave without your baby, do you think you might go back a bit early? What do you do for a job, would it be a hard one to return to? I've just returned to work but it's only P/T at nights so I'm still alone most of the day. I had to go back as no mat pay here for a loss like mine but in some ways I'm glad I did, it's one more small step acheived, if you know what I mean? It would depend on what job you have though, as to how hard it would be going back. I'm not saying right now either but maybe in a while it may give you something to focus on, outside yourself? I have to put on an act to get through it but even kidding on I'm Ok seems to help me slightly. We're all different though and I may crash again soon!

Sending you big hugs xxx

 

[mhazzab]

Hi everyone. How r u all doing? Need somebody to talk to. it's been 9 wkd this week since my angel went to heaven. Feel really really down. My other little girl has started school so I'm in house all day, thinking of even going back to work but emotionally don't think I can hack it. Not due back at work offically until march as that wud of been the end of my 9 month maternity. It's driving me insane being at home wiv no baby. As well as my sister who has just had a beautiful boy one of my close friends had her baby boy last week too. Feel so lonely, and negative and jealous. Does any1 else feel the same? When am I going to feel better, I was doing do well but feel I've took 5 steps back with nobody to talk to. sorry for going on x

I'm so sorry you are finding it so hard just now. It's been almost 14 weeks for me, and I am on maternity leave still too, I felt so stupid in the beginning for taking it when I didn't have my babies with me. I felt so lost at first, all my spare time before had revolved around buying baby things, reading up about twins etc. I didn't know what to do with myself, but, slowly, I have come to find purpose in my days by trying out new hobbies. In the beginning I didn't think I would find anything that would take my mind off the twins for a bit, but I got there. Of course, this is not the life I would have chosen, but I felt I had to do something to bring myself away from sitting at home crying all day.

As for other people's babies - everyone else seems to be having them, don't they? I still can't stand to be around young children and have been avoiding friends who recently gave birth, so you are not alone there! It's like someone is ripping out my heart when I hear a baby cry or see a mother holding their baby.

I'm at home all day and on the internet a lot, so if you are ever feeling down and need someone to speak to, I'm here for you xxx

 

[Delish]

Hey Becktoria sorry you're feeling so down. I wanted to reply earlier but I just had laser surgery done and everything's been so blurry I could barely read the thread nevermind reply!
I hope you're feeling a little better. *hugs* I can imagine the days feel really empty, I found that even with A around I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to do fun stuff as it felt wrong, and I didn't have any plans because all my plans had been for a baby. I've started making myself go to toddler groups now but I find it hard to force myself because I know at least some of the women know I was pregnant, but they don't know me well enough to ask, so I just feel... weird.
Maybe use the time to be kind to yourself, I think you need to keep yourself occupied with some kind of project maybe, but also just take time for you, do whatever makes you feel even a tiny bit better.

I've been called this week by my new manager asking when I'm coming back, which is a bit cheeky but he means well. I said maybe October but I feel sick at the thought. Honestly I don't want to go back until I'm pregnant again. Which sounds really stupid because I definitely wouldn't tell anyone! But I'd know and that'd make all the difference for me....

 

[Becktoria]

No that doesn't sound silly I don't want to go back to work until I'm pregnant again. I've decided I'm not going back until january. I've joined the gym, going to go everyday whilst my little girl at school, lose some weight and maybe it will release some of those happy hormones. How was you Delish after having your eyes done? I really would love to have my done , I wear contacts everyday, can b such a pain. Need some advic if any1 can help, stopped bleeding after baby and d&c on 2nd September and I still haven't had my period although I'm getting period type pains, I'm getting bit worried just want it so I know everything ok an I can get on track for TTC for December x

 

[Delish]

Hey Becktoria. It sounds like a positive that you're going to the gym (I would rather be shot!), definitely something to put your energy into... literally! And it's good to have a date in mind for going back to work. What do you do?
My eyes were ok when lasered but after was beyond painful! They're ok now though, sight really improving daily but it takes time to perfect. I wasn't allowed to wear contacts and hated glasses so much.

I'm no expert but if you stopped bleeding Sep 2nd you should be due your period fairly soon, I assume your pains are probably telling you it's on the way. I think it was 3 weeks for me but don't hold me to that! It can be longer, everyone is different, but I hope it comes really soon for you so you can track. I noticed my cycle was totally different length to pre-pregnancy so just to warn you that could happen.

I have some news anyway, I got a positive preg test today. Very, very, very scared & nervous... but cautiously happy. And also feel guilty and I know you girls will understand that. x