TTC after a fullterm stillbirth

[thumpette]

Sorry for your loss Janika. Xx

I'm on cd3- feel like it's my first proper period since Max was born. Last month was extremely light and painless- this just feels back to normal. Although I was dissapointed by the bfn this month there was a part of me relieved too. As much as I want it I'm so scared to be pregnant and to risk more loss.

This month I got a new bbt thermometer and fancy digital opks. I'm also gonna keep focusing on getting fit and losing weight. I'm now 12 pound lighter than before I conceived Max and I ran my first 5k yesterday. I've also started accupuncture with a fertility accupuncture specialist. Really would love to get pg this month. My due date would be jan 13th (Max was born on jan 12th) and if they induced at 38 weeks it would be Dec 31st (which was Max's due date) would be lovely to have that connection. Fingers crossed for us all xxx

 

[Natnee]

I'm now in 2ww AGAIN! CD17 today. This cycle I have not done opk's. I've tried not to obsess over it TOO much, although it's hard not to!! I went by ewcm, which started last monday so we bd monday, wednesday and saturday. Did intend every other night but Friday was just so tired and had to get up for work saturday. Ewcm seemed to have cleared up by saturday but then a bit more this morning, so not sure what that was? Just hoping it was enough. So no idea when I ovulated but just have to wait and see again.

This month is going to be worst for emotions as af will be due to week before Poppy's birthday. 25th is the day I found out she'd died, then 27th she was born. I can't think of
anything worse if af does show as I'm bad enough as it is when she shows every month let alone next week.

 

[thumpette]

I really hope this is your month Nat, coming up to all those painful anniversaries must be so difficult. Crossing everything that your little rainbow is planted and growing right now xxx

 

[wildflower79]

Well done on running your first 5k thumpette! Do you go running everyday? I can't believe how unfit I am. Me and hubby used to do a lot of mountain biking before we had our lg, but we don't get out much on our bikes these days. The other weekend lo was staying with grandparents, so we decided to go out for a ride. I had to push up every hill- even the little ones and I was exhausted when I got home. I really need to get fitter. I do walk the dogs a few miles everyday, but I guess that's not really active enough.

Where did you get your new bbt therm from? I was thinking I might start temping, but no idea where to start. Do you need to buy an expensive one? Really hoping your cycles are getting back to normal and you won't have to wait much longer for your rainbow x

Really hoping this is your month too natnee. Thinking of you as Poppy's birthday approaches

I've had a really busy week this week, so the first part of tww has flown by! I don't really have any symptoms, so I'm not feeling too hopeful. Hoping not to test before weds or thurs.

 

[thumpette]

Hi wildflower, run every second day. Still crazy slow but I haven't run in the last 2 days and I really feel the difference mentally. Had a bit of a crap day today. I have been used to the anger and sense of unfairness and denial. Today I sat in Max's room where I should have spent so much time nursing him. I put 'somewhere over the rainbow' on and I just cried and cried. I just felt so unbelievably sad.

I really hope I get a bfp soon, I so need that light of hope.

The bbt thermometer I got was from an Irish website- was only 15 euro or something and it does the job!

 

[thumpette]

Nat, (sorry if this sounds like a stalker) I was just thinking about you and your 2ww and wondering how you were going so I looked up your recent posts and saw the news. I am soooooooooo happy for you. I got tingles all up my spine and my eyes got watery! Sending a million good wishes your way! Xxx

 

[Natnee]

Nat, (sorry if this sounds like a stalker) I was just thinking about you and your 2ww and wondering how you were going so I looked up your recent posts and saw the news. I am soooooooooo happy for you. I got tingles all up my spine and my eyes got watery! Sending a million good wishes your way! Xxx

Hey you stalker! lol! I just thought I'd better come on here and tell you guys my news, you beat me to it!! I'd been doing ic since Friday and was getting these faint lines but seemed to be only coming up after the 10 min timeframe so wasn't sure. Wasn't going to start frers for a few days but just couldn't resist this morning, and lo and behold a line came up within the 3 minutes! Faint but definatly there, and strong enough to be clear on a photo to text to oh!! Only cd24 today so nervously waiting til end of week, then the 6 weeks mark, then.. oh heck the whole pregnancy. Shit it's going to be a long time. If all goes to plan and they induce me at 37 weeks as they said they would, i'll have the best xmas present EVER.

Crikey I'm getting all emotional again. I should've know something was up yesterday, we went to see Cinderella at cinema and I cried about 4 times!!

 

[thumpette]

Ha! Sorry for thunder stealing! It's only cos I care!

What are ic and frers?

I can only imagine the 33 and a bit weeks of fear ahead but I hope so much that it'll be worth it for the most amazing Christmas present. What date is your 37 weeks? Xxx

 

[Natnee]

Ic is internet cheapie tests, and frer is first response early results tests!

Working it out from my last af date, if I was to go full term it would be 2nd Jan, but because of being induced early it will work out at 12th Dec. I guess could go a few days either way if I date different from scans.

I'm trying to think positively and not dwell on the past and try and think of this as just a normal pregnancy. Well not a normal one but what I'm trying to say is I'm going to try and just be as worried as anyone would be while pregnant!

It just seems weird that I could actually have a baby by christmas!

 

[thumpette]

I really hope you do. Take it one day and one milestone at a time. Keep us updated!

 

[wildflower79]

So pleased to come on and read your news Nat! Really, really wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months. Did you have any symptoms before you tested?

How are you thumpette? I get bad days where the grief just seems to hit me like a ton of bricks. I wish I could do or say something to make you feel better I think some times it does help just to open up and let everything come flooding out.

I tested earlier after getting excited reading about Nat's bfp, but it was bfn. I'd only just been for a wee an hour earlier though, so prob not the best time to test Af is due around Fri, so I guess there's still a chance, but for some reason I feel like its not going to be this month.

 

[thumpette]

Oh no, sorry about the bfn but as you say it's still early to test- especially not even with fmu. Hopefully the result will change later in the week.

I'm ok, just wrote and shared a little ranty blog getting a few things off my chest! I know the people who have been crap probably won't even read it- but I feel better for saying it!

https://l4stars.wordpress.com

I'm cd 12 today, ovulated on day 13 last month but I used to be more like 14-15 so we'll see. Opks showing high for 5 days- no peak so far. Temps still all over the shop!

Fingers tightly crossed for us all! Xxx

 

[charlie15]

Hi everyone, I am still stalking but not much to say. Huge congratulations Nat, I am so happy for you and hopeful for your lovely Christmas bundle. I think you have a great attitude

Sorry about your BFN wildflower. Can I ask you, as your daughter also had trisomy 18, do you plan on having an tests done early on? I know it's a fluke but my mind is trying to figure things out with that, do I have the harmony test, amino should I get pregnant again?

Thumpette, I read your link to your blog. It totally resonated with me, the help or the deep hurt that others can cause, how everything is so polarised. I feel that too with so many people, you really see who your true friends are. I hate it when people don't acknowledge Zoe, it makes me feel like a part of me is invisible. Lots of hugs. By the way you write beautifully.

AFM, I saw my obstetrician last week for the de brief and he has given us the all clear to TTC when we are ready, which surprised me but I am happy about that. We have not TTC this month, but we also were not preventing either, but not intentionally at all! I would also prefer to not try next month as the due date would be almost the same as the day Zoe was born and died, and I want that date to be all hers alone. It I am starting acupuncture, I had been having I since we lost Zoe for healing so will try I now for TTC, I have not used it before but I have really enjoyed it and really like my acupuncturist too, she's very lovely.

 

[thumpette]

That's it exactly. The part you say about feeling like a part of you is invisible. When I read back over it I see I mention the tan thing a lot! As you might be able to tell it really wrecks my head when people suggest that I'm having a great holiday! Glad it resonated with you- it's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings. I've found writing so therapeutic.

That's really good news that you got the ok to TTC whenever you feel ready. Xxx

 

[wildflower79]

I can relate to what you're saying too thumpette. When we first lost dd, I found it so difficult when people didn't acknowledge her life. I remember some conversations, where I suppose people meant well and were trying to make me feel better/more positive, but what they were saying just seemed crazy. How you describe part of you as being invisible, is exactly how it feels, and for me thats just got worse over time. Hardly anybody ever speaks to me about dd anymore and I feel as though I've become quite withdrawn from others with my feelings and emotions about what happened.

charlie, I'm glad to hear your dr's given you the all clear to start ttc. It must have been so hard not knowing how long you'd have to wait.

I was just thinking the other night about future tests I might have done. At the moment I think I'd just feel so lucky to be pregnant again, I really don't think I could risk having cvs or amnio. I'd definitely consider having the harmony test, depending on how finances were at the time. I know that's not 100% though, although its pretty accurate.

 

[thumpette]

How's TTC going since wildflower? Have you tested again since. Looks like I'm ovulating today! Ewcm and a peak on my opk. Hopefully performance anxiety doesn't get to himself now!

 

[SanJan]

Hi all,

Congrats Natnee

Well, we had a counselling last week with the high risk specialist and got the reports for tests on all clotting disorders. Everything came back normal. And Dr has given a go ahead for TTC from next month when we feel upto it. The trouble is I really don't know if I'm up to it or not. Sorry for the rant, but the fear of something going wrong itself is going to get me so stressed out. And even if I try to see the positive side and hope that things will go well, then the guilt overtakes the fear. How do you get better from this

Currently, we have planned to be on NTNP mode. Lets see how it goes.

 

[charlie15]

Sanjan, well it's good news that all is ok. But yes I hear you as to when emotionally you are ready. It's so hard. I lost my daughter 4 days before you lost your daughter. Currently I feel ready on the one hand to go, but on the other I feel very emotionally drained. I guess my way of dealing with that is that I am taking a pretty laid back approach to TTC this time, no charting, no OPKs just plain old DTD at what should be the right time! I don't have the energy to invest any more than that. But we are all different and I don't think time heals as such, but with time you develop skills to cope with your loss and the feelings you gave about moving forward. Big hugs x

Wildflower, I know that invisible feeling does get worse. It's when you can shut down conversations by mentioning anything to do with your baby or pregnancy. And from what I read, a pregnancy after a loss means others breathe a sigh of relief, thinking it's all ok now! It's very hard. I go back to work next week and I am dreading it! The last time I was there I was very pregnant.

I got AF a couple of days ago. I am undecided about TTC this month. Crazily the due date would be the day we lost Zoe! What would you all do? I cannot decide should we or leave it? Chances are it won't happen but you never know! Not sure how I would feel with a baby been born around that time. Also for me I want that to be Zoe's time. Does that sound odd?

 

[wildflower79]

Sanjan, glad to hear your tests came back normal. It is so hard beginning to ttc again. I felt so scared when I first started and even now I wouldn't say I feel v confident or positive, but I do feel a bit more able to cope with things than I did for those first couple of months x

thumpette, I didn't bother to test again because I could tell af was on her way and she ended up arriving on thurs morn At least she was on time this month. I had a couple of really down days, but have picked myself up a bit now. Looking on wards to next cycle and trying to keep myself busy in the mean time.

What time of day do you use the opks? I did mine first thing in morn, but wondering if I should have checked it in the aft too. Or maybe I'm just stressing too much over timings. Fingers crossed and really hoping this is your month x

charlie, that must be so difficult deciding whether to try this month. We were taking a break from ttc when it would have meant the same due date, so I didn't really have to worry about it. It's such a personal choice and just depends on how you think you'll feel about it in the future. I don't think it sounds odd at all about wanting it to be Zoe's time Good luck for work next week - hope you get on ok x

 

[thumpette]

In terms of trying on a month which would lead to a due date similar to the baby that died- we have that this month. In some ways I would dread it as I know it would be a tough time but in another way I'd love for another baby to have that connection with their special big brother.

I'm so obsessed I couldn't handle holding off a month anyway so we've been really trying.

I do the opks with Fmu (it says to on the directions on these) I got a low reading the first day and then 8 high readings and then a peak on day 15. Some ewcm yesterday (day 15) and then loads (more than I've ever had this morning). Dtd yesterday evening and this morning. Hopefully will get a temp rise tomorrow to confirm ovulation. It didn't rise today, but could also be because I've been sleeping so badly for the last couple of nights. So delighted we've done well with timing, despite the pressure, and also hopeful around the peak reading and the crazy ewcm. Trying not to get my hopes up but it's hard!