TTC Jokes

[NDH]

A woman went to the doctor's office.
She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"


OK I'm done for now lol.

 

[NDH]

I lied. I found another great one for lol.

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

 

[ptr]

LOL i got tears from laughing at every post in this thread, LOVE IT!

 

[ptr]

LOL

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

 

[ptr]

DIAPER read backwards spells REPAID... Think about it!

Not quite a TTC joke but it made me LOL...

Why Condoms Come In Boxes of 3, 6, and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health Class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and Asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday and ONE for Sunday"

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 Pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March........"

 

[Hopefulwishes]

 

[arpeters]

omg those are so great!! I love it!! I can't believe we've found this many so far.

 

[NDH]

Things no one told you about trying to conceive:

1. That within a short amount of time, even the most conservative girl will be talking about her periods, CM and ovulation to complete strangers online.

2. That the world is suddenly full of pregnant women.

3. That just because you agreed to not get obsessed with TTC, doesnt mean you wont.

4. That soon your rl friends will start rolling their eyes at you when you talk about TTC.

5. You will feel perfectly comfortable asking about sex positions and orgasms.

6. You will start taking notes about the newest products to help you achieve the elusive BFP.

7. You will begin asking questions regarding foods, OTC products, to achieve maximum CM.

8. You will become surprisingly comfortable handling your own urine on a daily basis...and actually look forward to doing so!

9. You will start doing handstands after sex, and tell your OH that its yoga.

10. You will feel immense envy of people whenever they vomit.

11. You'll realize how much money you could have saved on birth control.

12. For once in your life you actually want to get fat

13. Balloons on a string start to look like swimming sperm to you. So do alfalfa sprouts.

14. You PRETEND to be horny just to get DH to have sex with you....24/7...even though you're sore and could go without seeing a penis for weeks!!!

15. You stuff pillows/clothing/towels up your shirt and walk around the house like that so you can get the "feel" of being pregnant!

16. Your calendar revolves around your cycle dates and not the actual calendar!

17. You start window shopping (and picking up a few things) for baby items even with AF, cause you just know that you will need it all soon!

18. You'll refuse to stock up on pads, cause you wont need them for a while.

19. You never thought premature ejaculation could be a blessing in disguise!

20. You'll poke and prod your breasts to see if they hurt yet. Of course they will if you poke them enough.

 

[arpeters]

hahaha Those are all so very true. I was just talking with my DH about most of those this afternoon! lol

 

[NDH]

This is too addicting. I should be working but instead I'm scouring the internet for jokes. I think I found the motherload at https://www.999reasonstolaugh.com It's a whole blog devoted to TTC humour. Such as:

[b[It's GREAT to be infertile because:[/b]
So what if your uterus’ isn’t behaving! Who cares if your husband’s sperm has more tails than a dog! It doesn’t matter if you’re tubes have no idea how to fallop! Don’t feel sorry for us! There are lots of positive aspects to being an infertile such as….

(1) No awkward sex talk to your future children! Explaining the birds and the bees to our children will be fun! “Little Tommy, when a mommy and a daddy love each other they drive to a fertility clinic and 4 years later, you are conceived with a lot of love and a little test tube.”

(2) By the time you are pregnant, your friends are already finished having kids. You can borrow all their baby stuff (even if they are stained with poop and vomit).

(3) During IVF or IUI, your partner doesn’t even have to be present during conception! Just send him a quick text once it’s done. “Honey, we did it! How was it for you?”

(4) When you go to sleep at night, you still get to sleep through the night.

(5) You get to cry about infertility in random places. Why go to a boring old grocery store if you’re just going to shop. Yawn. Boring. Having a emotional breakdown in the tampon aisle, now that’s interesting!

(6) Your friends all offer to let you have their bratty kids. Great! So don’t be surprised and call the police when you take them. You had a verbal agreement.

(7) When you’re quintuplets arrive, you might get your own television show called IVF Mama Plus Five!

(8) You get to have surgery to help improve your fertility…. The positive side? The hospital offers these delicious pudding cups for lunch! Lip-smacking!

(9) Your friend have stretch marks, sagging breasts and wrinkles. You only have weight gain and acne due to fertility medication.

(10) Whoever said infertility was awful obviously never met your hot fertility doctor! He can inseminate you anytime!

Yes. Great Aunt Gertie. You’re right. Trying for a baby is FUN!

“But by FUN do you mean…

having routine timed intercourse with your great nephew for months on end, and then elevating my legs to help his boys swim upstream; sticking a pink thermometer in my mouth each morning and then writing down my basal temperature on a form that I hide inside my desk drawer; examining the toilet paper obsessively; drinking raspberry leaf tea and other fertility concoctions because my mother told me to; going for acupuncture and sticking needles between my eyes and in my belly while an acupuncturist named Felicity tells me to relax. Yes, trying for a baby was definitely a great time. Just ask my husband when he had to provide a sperm analysis test on 9 different occasions and then openly chat about it with a strange doctor about his results; and it was also a blast during my HSG fertility test; and when we had to talk to fertility intern, Camille, about our sex life. I would also say it was good times during all those early morning transvaginal wand appointments; and I think we equally had a blast when IUI #1 – #25 failed and I sobbed on the bathroom toilet and then again, during my friend’s baby shower. It was quite enjoyable when I had to miss meetings at work because I was having eggs removed from my uterus; when all my friends got pregnant before me and I particularly had fun gaining excess weight from those super fun fertility drugs.”

But yes, Aunt Gertie, you are completely right. Trying for a baby is fun but sometimes it’s also a bit…what’s the word…..trying.

Dear Fertility Santa
Dear Santa,

Me again! How’s it going? Mrs. Clause treating you well? Santa, I have been a very good girl this year. I have taken my folic acid on a daily basis (minus last month when I said “screw you, folic acid” during a very crampy menstrual period). I have stuck a thermometer in my mouth every single morning to chart my temperature (and have only cheated twice by taking my temperature after my shower). Even last week when we went out for dinner, I didn’t look at the toilet paper once when I went to the bathroom at Mork’s Fine Steakhouse. Santa, I was a very good girl when my husband had a three day business trip during my peak ovulation period. I only overacted a little bit by begging him to stay home, then crying later over a bowl of mint chip ice cream. Then there was the time when I acted super strong after my cycle failed and then cried only a little in front of a Wal-Mart cashier named Teresa. I was even really good after my friend Bessie-Sue posted all her pregnancy belly photos on Facebook (if you refer to photo number 45 called “My Six Month Belly Picture,” you will even see that I nicely commented, “Hey Bessie-Sue, your belly looks great!” That’s pretty darn nice, if you ask me.

Santa, my husband has also been a very good boy. He went for his semen analysis test without putting up a fuss. He didn’t get mad at me when I made him watch a documentary called, “I’m Infertile, Now What?” and he even took vitamins to increase his sperm count, (even when it strangely also increased the hair on his back). There was also the time when his sister got pregnant with her third accidental baby and he spared telling me until we got home. I’d say that this year, we have been both pretty darn good.

Please fill our stockings with baby dust and fill our Christmas tree with light and hope and determination. Please bring us strength and optimism and fill our hearts with positive thoughts in the new year.

With Love, Infertile in the City

P.S. Santa, please also throw in some hope for our friends who don’t celebrate Christmas. They also need a bit of Mazel in their Tovs too.

 

[NDH]

This isn't a joke, but it's a hilarious TTC video. There's a whole series of them!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VY5ZDMLpXUU&feature=related

 

[NDH]

The Infertile Soap Opera

Ever feel like your life is like an infertile soap opera? You feel like you have a secret infertile self that you hide from others, there is drama, emotions, heartache, hope and an insane amount of sex.

Yes, you’re living an infertile soap opera, just without the accidental pregnancy, an embryo switch, and a bartender named Chase who may or may not be your baby daddy.

The Young and the Tender Breastless. Plot line: Dominique is in her two week wait after an emotional embryo transfer. She feels rage at her doctor for telling her that she is ’still young and has plenty of time to get pregnant.’ She continues to feel her breasts for early pregnancy symptoms.

All my (Test Tube) Children. Olivia and Tanner want a baby but a twisted fallopian tube, a misshapen uterus, poor egg quality and low sperm motility stand in their way.

The Cold and the Beautiful. Cricket and her husband, Braden, get into another fight about her obsession with wanting a child. He disagrees with her idea that they should just steal one.

As your Insides Churn. Victoria is filled with heartache after her little sister announces she’s pregnant. Jacqueline gets her period during her friend’s baby shower. Tiffany-Melinda bursts into tears after her mother emails her another article about how to get pregnant.

Days of our Hives. Harlowe is rushed to the hospital after suffering from an allergic reaction from her fertility medication. Devastatingly, she is also suffering from OHSS and her embryo transfer has been canceled.

General (Fertility) Hospital. Tad discovers that his lover, Meegan, is having an affair with her fertility doctor and a transvaginal wand.

One Life to Live. Greenlea and her (seemingly) loving husband, Prescott, feel like if they only have one life to live, it sure as hell better be a fertile one!






OK now I'm done. For now.

 

[NDH]

If two negatives equal a positive then what do you do if you’ve seen 24+ negatives?

(negative + negative) = positive

24 negative (months) + 24 emotional breakdowns + (808 tears shed + 8,000 rolls of toilet paper used) – 2 (faint positives that were really) 2 negatives x 24 menstrual cycles = negative + positive

=2010 – 2008/ 24 (week waits) = 2 years…

And if (eating a lot of) pie equals MC (miscarriage) squared and if the Pythagorean Theorem a+b=c squared measures the law of gravity (of conceiving) and gives you the linear way (of doing it) then the variable principle of (fluids + sperm) /2 eggs x stork equals a fundamental theorem that you WILL be pregnant in….2011!!!

Someone give you an infertile mathematics award! You just unlocked the equation that solved the infertility mystery!

 

[arpeters]

lol I loved that video.

 

[NDH]

Helpful tips on how to achieve a positive pregnancy result

Always get a negative pregnancy test? Have you ever seen two lines on a pee stick? Here are some helpful ways to achieve your BFP.

Draw on the second line yourself. Both marker and pen will work. Then show your husband the exciting news!
Cross your eyes until your sight becomes blurry and you actually see a second line.
Get a pregnant lady to pee on your stick.
Sneak into a pregnant lady’s house and stick your pregnancy test in her leftover urine on the toilet seat.
Urinate following your HCG trigger shot (the hormone in the shot will actually produce two lines) and this will make you very happy.
Close your eyes when looking at the results and just assume it’s positive.
Stick the pee test in a glass of apple juice. The defective pregnancy stick could mean you are pregnant.
Pee on two sticks for two lines.
Ask a blind person to read you the results.
Buy your pregnancy test from an online store called “yourpregnancytestwillbepositive.com.”
Try to buy the Octomom’s old pregnancy test off eBay.
Or just look through the trash in your fertility clinic’s bathroom until you find a positive test. Note: you might have to wait weeks for this.
Congratulations, you are now pregnant!

 

[arpeters]

 

[NDH]

How to tell your infertile friend you're pregnant

Hey Fertile!

Need advice on how to tell your infertile friend, you are expecting? Here are some helpful and sensitive tips.

Wear a shirt that says “I’m pregnant but it’s not my husband’s.”
Don’t tell us at all. Avoid us for 9 months and then suddenly appear with a baby, claiming that you stole it.
Come to our fertility appointment and when our legs are in stirrups, share your good news.
Tell us your news in a language we don’t speak.
Make your announcement after handing us a large sum of money.
Tell us your news when we are sleeping or unconscious.
Find a card that says “Only slutty girls get knocked up on their first try.”
Tell us that your baby will probably inherit your husbands nose and receding hair line.
Tell us that you’re pregnant but we get to keep the baby.
Slap us across the face so we we are already in pain when you tell us the news.

 

[hlynn]

these are TOO funny..i seriously laughed my butt off at all of them..SO true

 

[NDH]

Typical Month of the Infertile
Negative pregnancy test.
Period.
Cry on toilet.
Cry in bed.
Depression.
Cry at work in bathroom.
Day 3, fertility appointment.
Wonder if you should try having sex during your period.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Fight with partner about infertility.
Friend announces she’s pregnancy. Emotional breakdown.
Ovulate?
IUI?
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, (shooting blanks)
Two week wait.
Facebook friend posts a picture of her bump. Cry.
Baby shower invite. Cry about that.
Analyze for early pregnancy symptoms.
Google: “Right breast feels heavier than left breast. Am I Pregnant?”
Google: “Peeing a lot at night, IUI.”
Google: “Left nipple looks darker. Pregnancy?”
Google: “Metallic taste in mouth. Pregnant?”
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Hope for implantation bleeding.
Test early or wait for period.
Negative.
Mental breakdown.

REPEAT AGAIN THE FOLLOWING MONTH, AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER…

 

[NDH]

That awkward fertility clinic waiting room is just so quiet that sometimes you just want to break the silence.

Whether it’s your first fertility appointment or your 100th, here are some great tips to occupy yourself in the waiting room:

Snack on an egg. Make sure to only eat the egg whites.
Leave your partner’s filled sperm cup near the magazines.
Pour a cup of melted marshmallows all over the chairs.
Ask the receptionist if they have any “special” brother to sister videos. It gets your guy going.
Accompany your guy to the special room and turn up the volume to a Bette Midler song.
Drink some apple juice from a urine sample cup.
Put a pillow under your shirt and then waddle around the room complaining about your back ache.
Stick a basal thermometer in your behind and ask someone to check the temperature.
Wear a t-shirt that says “I’m with an infertile.”
Steal some underwear during the ultrasounds.