TTC Jokes

[NDH]

Here are some other great tips to avoid pregnancy for the infertile gal.

1) Make love often during your fertile period.
2) Monitor your ovulation by charting your temperature or looking at your cervical fluid.
3) Lay down for 30 minutes and do not urinate after sex.
4) Go on powerful fertility drugs and injections.
5) Try costly fertility procedures.
6) Reduce your caffeine and alcohol intake.
7) Read books on conception and how to get pregnant.
8) Avoid vaginal sprays and scented tampons that could kill sperm.
9) Make sure your partner avoids hot tubs and biking.
10) Exercise and eat healthy.
11) Do not use birth control pills or condoms.
12) See a fertility specialist.

Congratulations! If you follow all of these tips, you will surely NOT get pregnant.

*Disclaimer: Teenage girls, do not follow this advice.

 

[NDH]

It’s like you’re on The Amazing Race. You must get your husband’s sperm sample to the fertility clinic within 45 minutes.

GO!

You quickly review your options. The clinic is 20 minutes away, 30 in bad traffic. Will you make it if he does his business at home and you race the sample to the clinic? You might make it but just barely. You both decide that it is safer if he gives his sample in the car at the fertility clinic parking lot. Very romantic. But this will maximize time.

Time Remaining: 45 Minutes to get sperm to clinic!
You have driven like a mad woman and you are now sitting in the fertility clinic parking lot. Your husband is looking fearful beside you. “There is no time.” You shout to him and hand him the cup. “GO!” You throw a blanket over top of him and you let him get to work. You turn on the car and play some romantic music – like that will even help. Your husband finishes. You glance inside the cup. Looks plentiful. Good work husband! GO!

Time Remaining: 43 Minutes!
A knock on the car door scares the hell out of both of you. It is the parking lot security guard asking you to move your car. Yikes! You are parked in a handicap spot. As you have lost all of your dignity already, you grab your hubby’s sperm cup and stick it in your bra to keep that sperm warm. The security guard does not look impressed. Neither does your husband. GO!

Time Remaining: 30 Minutes!
Takes way too long to find a parking spot. But you are not panicking as you have half an hour left and you are right outside of the clinic. You’re wearing a short sleeve shirt and the sperm cup is sticking out from your chest. You quickly put the cup under your arm pit. GO!

Time Remaining: 25 Minutes!
Stupid elevator takes a long time. People are staring at you as they notice the cup under your arm pit. Your husband jokingly says aloud “Is that a cup under your arm pit or are you just happy to see me?” You glare at him. GO!

Time Remaining: 20 Minutes!
You arrive on the 10th floor and rush into the fertility clinic. There is a line-up at the front desk. You push ahead and other women holding sperm cups under their pits snarl at you. You don’t care. You thrust it into a nurse’s hand and tell her to keep it warm. She takes it from you and you give a sigh of relief. You start to leave and notice that the nurse has stopped to chat with someone. The cup is still in her hands, getting cooler by the minute. GO!

Time Remaining: 15 Minutes!
You practically fly into her and yell something about cooling sperm. She smiles politely as if she has heard this many times before. She reassures you and takes away the sperm. You have completed the race with 15 minutes to spare!

If you were on The Amazing Race, you and your husband would have been ‘the first to arrive’ and would have won the one million dollars! Instead of winning the money, you will be giving away money to that fertility clinic. One day, at your child’s wedding, you might even tell them the story of your adventures on The Amazing Race. I’m sure they would love to hear that story!

 

[NDH]

Help me! I cant stop reading and posting these things! Its worse than a poas addiction cause I have no guilt over wasting money.

 

[arpeters]

lol I'm sorry that i've given you another addiction! You are so good at it though. Keep it up!

 

[NDH]

ODE TO INFERTILITY

‘Twas the night before your period and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.
The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,
in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.
Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,
while visions of cramps start to come before bed.
You’re sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,
you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.
But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,
so why does this test never show those two lines?
And you cry on the floor until you are ill,
tomorrow you’ll refuse your prenatal pill.
“Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!”
“On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!”
We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,
but each month all we do is pee on that stick.
We know more about ovulation than our family doc,
so please fill our womb before our friends newborns can talk!
We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,
but we’ve spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.
Our spouse has more sex than his full teenage years,
but this time he’s not bragging to all of his peers.
So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,
Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!

 

[janeybaby]

A pregnant lady goes to her doctor!!

Doctor: did you bring a urine sample?
Lady: I did here it is (fishing it out of her bag)
Doctor: Good good (turning his back and putting on a pair of gloves) can you remove your top??
Lady: (starts unbuttoning her top and removes blouse)
Doctors: Oh I meant the top of the sample!!!!

This isn't a joke but exactly what one of my old boss' sister did at her first doctors appointment whilst pregnant

 

[NDH]

Oh dear. That was awfully unfortunate wording on the doctors part! Don't blame your boss' sister for misunderstanding. As long as it never happens to me though, it's hysterical!

 

[janeybaby]

very lol, how embarassing that would!!

 

[hlynn]

i actually just had to take my DHs to get an SA this morning..haha i was pretty frantic about it and all about him keeping under is armpit things we do for infertility
these are SO funny!

 

[janeybaby]

i actually just had to take my DHs to get an SA this morning..haha i was pretty frantic about it and all about him keeping under is armpit things we do for infertility
these are SO funny!

Hehehe I kept DH sample between my boobs while DH drove to the hospital to deliver it

 

[arpeters]

that is a wonderful place for it. Nice and warm! That was a great story by the way. lol. My DH felt so weird handing over his sample. People are use to handing over urine, but sperm?! lol

 

[Hopefulwishes]

"No woman would truly be satisfied on Valentines Day because no man has a chocolate penis wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds."

Thought this was funny because all of us here would rather have the sperm over diamonds!

 

[arpeters]

 

[hlynn]

"No woman would truly be satisfied on Valentines Day because no man has a chocolate penis wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds."

Thought this was funny because all of us here would rather have the sperm over diamonds!

that is funny because i would much rather have the sperm

 

[arpeters]

I would prefer sperm until I am pg, then he can bring on the diamonds. lol

 

[NDH]

I wouldn't want the diamonds to go there at any time lol. OUCH.

 

[Hopefulwishes]

I wouldn't want the diamonds to go there at any time lol. OUCH.

HAHAHAHA.This is true!

 

[arpeters]

lol There would be no more if diamonds start appearing.

 

[anetha]

Keep it up!

So, I tried to find a new addiction... nothing has been quite as soothing as symptom spotting however... and two days ago, I started playing sims on my ipod
My sim is seriously EVIL, she has three boyfriends, lives with the man she stole from her neighbor's, and has a husband who doesn't live with her and is completely oblivious of what's going on
She - I finally decide I've broken enough rules, and want to settle down and have a baby. I kick out my "lover", break up with my boyfriend, and ask my husband to move in with me.
Why? So we can start Right? Are you all with me???

But get this:

We so much, I DIE. They kill me!!!

The baby wasn't coming FAST ENOUGH!!! Or maybe it's the TTC craze in me? Nope. They just don't know there's a whole portion of the population that needs to be able to copulate fast in the virtual world!!!

 

[arpeters]

They killed you!!!????? OMG. hahahahahaha. I am laughing so hard right now. That is crazy!! I think it's definitely the TTC craze in you. They should make a game reguarding TTC where you can have your character get pregnant as often and quickly as you want. It relieves stress for those of us in the real world. lol. Thank goodness that too much doesn't really kill us or all of us would be dead!