TTC Jokes

[anetha]

I'm going back to reading when I come home from work...

 

[Kays Queen]

Typical Month of the Infertile
Negative pregnancy test.
Period.
Cry on toilet.
Cry in bed.
Depression.
Cry at work in bathroom.
Day 3, fertility appointment.
Wonder if you should try having sex during your period.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Fight with partner about infertility.
Friend announces she’s pregnancy. Emotional breakdown.
Ovulate?
IUI?
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, (shooting blanks)
Two week wait.
Facebook friend posts a picture of her bump. Cry.
Baby shower invite. Cry about that.
Analyze for early pregnancy symptoms.
Google: “Right breast feels heavier than left breast. Am I Pregnant?”
Google: “Peeing a lot at night, IUI.”
Google: “Left nipple looks darker. Pregnancy?”
Google: “Metallic taste in mouth. Pregnant?”
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Hope for implantation bleeding.
Test early or wait for period.
Negative.
Mental breakdown.

REPEAT AGAIN THE FOLLOWING MONTH, AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER…

Soooooo spot on!!

 

[Kays Queen]

I kinda google a lot!
During a 2WW I googled "orgasm during TWW,good or bad' and after reading I convinced DH not to dtd till AF shows.
He agreed but we were both horny cos we'd just gotten married bout 3 months den!
Eventually I couldn't stand it anymore n one day sent him a text;
ME: am hornnnnyyyyyyyyy!
DH: me too. Am coming home soon,some action 4 me?
ME: ‎​as a matter of fact,am so horny ryt now that even if am already pregnant,I don't care what an orgasm may or may not cause,do u?
DH: NOPE!!!!! Any pregnancy dat can't ride an orgasm wit us probably isn't ours!

 

[ladygagafan]

hahha i loved that video!!

 

[arpeters]

I kinda google a lot!
During a 2WW I googled "orgasm during TWW,good or bad' and after reading I convinced DH not to dtd till AF shows.
He agreed but we were both horny cos we'd just gotten married bout 3 months den!
Eventually I couldn't stand it anymore n one day sent him a text;
ME: am hornnnnyyyyyyyyy!
DH: me too. Am coming home soon,some action 4 me?
ME: ‎​as a matter of fact,am so horny ryt now that even if am already pregnant,I don't care what an orgasm may or may not cause,do u?
DH: NOPE!!!!! Any pregnancy dat can't ride an orgasm wit us probably isn't ours!

lol that is too funny.

 

[ptr]

Keep it up!

So, I tried to find a new addiction... nothing has been quite as soothing as symptom spotting however... and two days ago, I started playing sims on my ipod
My sim is seriously EVIL, she has three boyfriends, lives with the man she stole from her neighbor's, and has a husband who doesn't live with her and is completely oblivious of what's going on
She - I finally decide I've broken enough rules, and want to settle down and have a baby. I kick out my "lover", break up with my boyfriend, and ask my husband to move in with me.
Why? So we can start Right? Are you all with me???

But get this:

We so much, I DIE. They kill me!!!

The baby wasn't coming FAST ENOUGH!!! Or maybe it's the TTC craze in me? Nope. They just don't know there's a whole portion of the population that needs to be able to copulate fast in the virtual world!!!

thank god it's not like real life or we're gonan be in major trouble!

 

[ptr]

I kinda google a lot!
During a 2WW I googled "orgasm during TWW,good or bad' and after reading I convinced DH not to dtd till AF shows.
He agreed but we were both horny cos we'd just gotten married bout 3 months den!
Eventually I couldn't stand it anymore n one day sent him a text;
ME: am hornnnnyyyyyyyyy!
DH: me too. Am coming home soon,some action 4 me?
ME: ‎​as a matter of fact,am so horny ryt now that even if am already pregnant,I don't care what an orgasm may or may not cause,do u?
DH: NOPE!!!!! Any pregnancy dat can't ride an orgasm wit us probably isn't ours!

hahaha... sooo true, and i think orgasms are fine to have during tww.. why woudln't it be?!

 

[Kays Queen]

well ptr if u throw enough symptoms at it or ask the right/wrong questions u'd be amazed at the diagnosis Dr. Google can come up with.

 

[Kays Queen]

Found dis sumwhere
There was an RE who decided he no longer wanted to practice. Instead he wanted to restore old cars. To prepare himself for this career change, he signed up for a mechanics course in engine repair. He studied really hard, and the day arrived for the final exam. The task was to find out what was wrong with the engine and repair it. The RE took a little longer than the rest of the class, but he got the job done. A couple of days later he went to see how he did. Up on the wall, beside his name he saw a mark of 150%. He was really puzzled so he went to the instructor. "How can this be?" he asked. The instructor replied, "Well, I gave you 50 points for figuring out the problem, and 50 points more for solving the problem. BUT I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing all the work through the exhaust pipe!"

 

[Kays Queen]

Has anyone seen these?

How does an RE like his eggs?
Over 20mm!
Why did the RE cross the road?
Because there was an affluent, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.
One ovary says to the other ovarie, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovarie says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."
Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body.
The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?"
"The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"
How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?
You have to chew before you swallow!
How do you know that God isn't a woman?
Because if God was a woman then sperm would taste like chocolate!
You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm
Why do gypsies have trouble getting pregnant?
They have crystal balls.
Why do male basketball players have trouble getting their spouses pregnant?
All they do is dribble.
How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two but I dont know how they would get in there

 

[ptr]

well ptr if u throw enough symptoms at it or ask the right/wrong questions u'd be amazed at the diagnosis Dr. Google can come up with.

LOL, i guess so but how would people know whether it was good or bad?

 

[arpeters]

lol I love this thread. It is so lighthearted and happy! Let's keep it alive!

 

[Kays Queen]

well ptr if u throw enough symptoms at it or ask the right/wrong questions u'd be amazed at the diagnosis Dr. Google can come up with.

LOL, i guess so but how would people know whether it was good or bad?

Beats me! Apparently Dr. Google is of the opinion that couples should avoid activities that will cause the walls of the Uterus to vibrate prior to implantation as it could dislodge the beanie that is trying to stick!!
And said activities include orgasms!!!!

 

[WannabemomV]

My my gosh! These are too funny. I have only made it to page 4 and I am closing out of here. I am only allowing myself to read a few at a time since they are so Funny. I did read that laughing helps you conceive faster.. Must have to do with that "RELAXING" thing they tell you to do..
Keep them coming ladies..

 

[arpeters]

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.' But, how will you know when our baby is born?' she asked.' Well,' he said,' after you've had the baby, just send me a postcard and write' sauerkraut' on the back.' Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office.' Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today,' she explained.' I don't understand what it means!'' Just wait until I get home and I'll read it,' he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said:' Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut: Two with wieners, One without!'

 

[arpeters]

Being a parent changes everything.

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
---------------
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
---------------
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
---------------
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
---------------
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
---------------
Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
---------------
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
---------------
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
---------------
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
---------------
Swallowing Coins
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

 

[anetha]

Yes!!!!!! I'm still looking forward to all of this!

 

[ptr]

well ptr if u throw enough symptoms at it or ask the right/wrong questions u'd be amazed at the diagnosis Dr. Google can come up with.

LOL, i guess so but how would people know whether it was good or bad?

Beats me! Apparently Dr. Google is of the opinion that couples should avoid activities that will cause the walls of the Uterus to vibrate prior to implantation as it could dislodge the beanie that is trying to stick!!
And said activities include orgasms!!!!

speaking of that, i heard something similar to that.. i think there were talk about having bowel movement and being pregnant and that women shouldnt strain too hard or the sticky bean will pop off the uterus wall.

LOL at the new jokes... i like the ones with the changes between 1 to 3 kids .. sooo true (i see this alot cuz i have 15 nieces and nephews!)

 

[hlynn]

Being a parent changes everything.

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
---------------
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
---------------
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
---------------
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
---------------
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
---------------
Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
---------------
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
---------------
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
---------------
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
---------------
Swallowing Coins
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

that is TRUE! oh my lol i only have 2 but i know my 3rd will be just like this..haha it was true with my first ones for sure

 

[arpeters]

lol That was my favorite one too. I have 5 nephews and nieces that I live with and I can completly see the change from the first to the fifth. lol.