TTCAL & LTTTCAL buddies - join me!

[wifeybby]

Hi girls

I've been actively TTC with PCOS for 3+ years. In June, I got my first ever BFP. It was amazing! My baby lived to 8+3, we found out at 8+4. I had a D&C due to it being a MMC, I never bled on my own; as well as given the opportunity for genetic testing. I spotted for 6 days after the procedure. While it was by far, THE WORST thing to ever have happened - I tend to think of it as, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" mantra. We loved and wanted our baby so badly.

However, life always goes on. No matter how badly we don't want it to, or how awful we feel. It's hard to imagine a future without our baby. We feel that all we can do is cherish our memories of our first baby, honor them appropriately, and try again. My 2 week post-op appointment is Friday, when RE will check my uterus and make sure all is well to try again.

Feel free to find my journal in "LTTTC journals" for my full story.

Just looking for some TTC buddies that are also unfortunately AL. It just puts such a spin on TTC. I thought LTTTC was bad - this is worse. I'm sorry to anyone who has been through a loss, no matter how early or late. It's awful. Even if you read and run, no offense taken, but please know you're not alone.

Fingers crossed this thread brings new friends and many rainbow babies.

 

[flou]

Hi wifey. I am sorry for your loss Me and DH are ttc baby number 2 and I have recently turned 37 so really feeling pressure time wise. I have had some issues conceiving and have also experienced mcs so it seems like a struggle to get pg and then to keep it is another struggle. But I do have 3 year old DS who is my world. It took us 19 months to get our first bfp which we mc at 6 weeks, another 11 months ttc which then resulted in another loss at 6 weeks. We then ttc for another 7 months and then got our bfp with DS. Then last year we decided to ttc for number 2. We got a bfp after just 2 months ttc but unfortunately we mc at 6 weeks. That was a year ago. My last cycle, currently cd4, I thought I could be pg. My period was a week late and I had loads of symptoms which have been like when im pg. I just picked up the courage to test when all symptoms disappeared and AF arrived. So that could have been something but not confirmed. I find I have good days and bad days. I just hope I get a second rainbow and my DS wasn't just a fluke. I know I am blessed to have him and that helps to stay positive. I hope you get your rainbow soon!

 

[wifeybby]

Hi Flou! Sorry it took me so long to respond. I’m sorry for your losses, too. It’s just simply the worst thing ever to go through. The worst. That’s awesome you have DS, living proof you can do it! I hope you get your rainbow baby soon too. I wouldn’t know what to think of that last cycle either - I would go with your gut feeling. It’s crazy how sometimes we know our bodies so well, then not at all other times.

I’m CD21 today.. I go back to my RE on the 15th/CD28 for hcg and progesterone blood tests, a saline ultrasound and see what my next step is. It’s my first cycle AL so they’ll see if I O’d or not and if I need to take provera to bring on AF.

On top of that, of course pregnancy announcements are pouring in. So happy for those expecting, but so hurt that it isn’t me. It was me. But now, I’m back to having nothing. It just sucks. I just really really really hope we get a rainbow baby to take home someday.

 

[flou]

Its cd 9 for me so hopefully my body should start gearing up to O soon. Probably be in about a weeks time.

Good luck with your appointment. After each of my losses my cycles came back straight away, no issues. But for some women it can take some time for the body to sort itself out. I know what you mean about pregnancy annoucements! During each of my mcs a friend has annouced their pregnancy. And I hate having to deal with questions like "are you planning to have another baby?" Or before we had DS I kept being asked about when were we thinking of having kids? DS arrived 5 years into mine and DHs marriage so we had a few years of questioning, which got to me. People never imagine the possibility that you may have trouble conceiving and having kids. I recently got asked by a friend, who didn't know me when I was trying for DS, if I was planning another. My friend and her DH have just started ttc number 1. For the first time I was honest and open about my struggles which actually felt good. She was apologetic for asking me about having more but I reassured that she didn't need to apologise as she didn't know. I think that was the first person who isn't DH or my parents that I have truly spoken about it to. But not because I haven't wanted to, its just having the strength emotionally to talk about it.

Are you ttc again straight away and hoping you have caught this cycle? Some people reckon you are more fertile after a mc. Or are you waiting until after seeing your RE?

 

[wifeybby]

Good luck! Hope you can get some BD in this weekend to get things going.

I didn't use OPKs or do anything to try to determine O, but we DTD quite a bit. I noticed last night my bbs felt heavy and sore, along with now minor constipation; so I'm hopeful that I O'd sometime. I want nothing more than to catch this cycle or one soon, but I'm trying to not get my hopes up. I don't want to symptom spot, but I would at least feel better if I did O at a decent CD. With PCOS there's plenty of cycles I don't O, if I do it's usually much later in the cycle than the textbook CD14. On CD1 I'm supposed to call in and schedule the saline ultrasound; which I hear helps fertility too. So I do really hope we see our rainbow soon.

The announcements and questions are brutal... especially when they come in together! I'm 27, so I've been able to use the "we want to wait until we buy a house .. we might save having kids for our 30's .. maybe someday" kind of answers. Of course, then sometimes I get "the talk" from other women that "oh, you don't want to be the old mom that people wonder if you're the mom or grandma - you don't want to wait much longer, I promise." Having kids in your 30's was always normal to me; I think up until all this Teen Mom MTV bs came up, those in their early/mid 20's didn't get so hassled. It's weird. We've been together for 9 years, married for almost 3. I work with kids as a school nurse, so it's clear to most people I love kids and want them - but it's too hard to really be open about. I've met a couple other nurses at work that have dealt with infertility - one, a great friend, recommended this RE to me. The other, had severe problems with her fallopian tubes along with/after an ectopic. She went on to adopt 10 kids!! Some have special needs and don't live with her, some are grown and out of the house - she's a grandma now and loves it all. A lot of her kids are around my age. So it's nice to have some people IRL that you can be open with this about. I'm glad you were able to open up to your friend. It does feel like a weights been lifted after, doesn't it? I hope she continues to be someone you can be open with.

Do you temp or use OPKs? Or do you mainly DTD when your expected window is coming up?

 

[flou]

I have heard the saline flush helps fertility. And it does sound as if you did O this cycle. Fingers cross that you may get a bfp! Remember you have conceived before so you can do so again!

I don't temp or use opks. I find it too much pressure. Do you use opks or temp? One good thing about ttc for a while is that you get to know your body. I can tell when my body is gearing up for O. I chart using the fertility app Flo, mainly to track my cycle. We try to bd every other day during the fertile window. And the rest of the month we try as often as feel like or can. We almost schedule it in, which is weird we never had to that when trying for DS. But since he has come around we are both so tired (working full time and being mummy can be so tiring but I wouldn't swap it!). And even though we have been blessed with a good sleeper and a generally good egg of a son, there is still the odd time he will have a meltdown before bed or wake up in the night. But we try to make the effort with each other and attempt to bd during that crucial time! I just hope it doesn't take long for us to get our little rainbows. Trust me they are worth all of the pain and heartache!

 

[wifeybby]

Finally starting AF today. I ended up taking provera around CD30 per my RE's instructions since they don't think I would O the cycle after surgery. Glad to be moving on from that cycle!

I use OPKs but with PCOS they say it's unreliable. I tried BBT but wasn't very good at it lol I'd wake up early worried it was time to take it - weird, I know! I found a product called Ovusense that is a vaginal BBT sensor you insert overnight and it measures your core temp for accurate BBT. Thinking I'll give this a try.

How have you been flou? Where are you at in your cycle? How is DS doing?

 

[kiki1234]

Hello ladies -

I would love to join this thread. I am TTCAL for the past year off/on. A little back story - I had no issues getting pregnant with DD, conceived on the first cycle! We had her in late 2016... Then we've had nothing but issues. I had some health concerns in the Spring of 2017, and ended up getting accidently pregnant on at the very end of the treatment (while on meds that you should NOT get pregnant on). We ended up miscarrying. I was able to naturally miscarry at 8.5wks. We chalked it up to being related to the medication that I was on. We then prevented for 8 months due to a job change and just not being ready for a 2nd child yet. I did track my cycles through the 8 months though. Then the first cycle we started trying again - bam pregnant! We then went on to miscarry again at 6.5wks. We ended up having a d&c as it was a mmc. My cycle returned within 4.5 weeks, and we've been TTC since my cycle returned. We are now entering our third cycle TTC. It's been rough. I've tracked my cycles, and they've seemed to return to "normal" but per my charting I've felt that something is off. Not sure if my hormones need to balance more yet? I have decided to start vitex this cycle. I've heard that it can help with balancing of hormones. We shall see. I am currently on CD6! Hoping to get some support during this process! Good luck to both of you ladies!

 

[wifeybby]

Always welcome, Kiki! I hope you get your rainbow soon. It must be so hard to easily conceive, but then go through the loss.. I can only imagine. Being LTTTC, I worried that me being pregnant was "too good to be true" and was always fighting the instinct (may be the word? not quite but you know what I mean) that I would miscarry. No matter what the circumstances, loss is hard. Pregnancy and all of it's unknowns is hard. sending baby dust your way!

My Ovusense was scheduled to ship today! Can't wait to start using it. Well, I can -- I'm not too excited about an overnight vaginal sensor; but I'm looking forward to the data and sooooo hoping it detects O and I can have a chance to get pregnant again.

 

[kiki1234]

I agree - no matter what a loss is a loss and it is hard. Right now I am just so anxious and ready to be pregnant again, but I know the minute I am pregnant again I will be so paranoid. I feel awful writing this - but with the first miscarriage - it was so unexpected to get pregnant, and would have put our children 15 months apart (way to close for my comfort! haha), that when I miscarriage - I almost felt relief. Now looking back, I can't believe I felt that way. This 2nd miscarriage was such a planned pregnancy. We waited until the first month that would put me into my FMLA at my new job AND keep a newborn out of daycare during flu season (yes I'm a nurse. HAHA! ). It all just felt so perfect when we conceived right away - and then everything plummeted. I felt absolutely gutted. It just makes me feel so bad that my reactions to each miscarriage was so different... but what can I do. I suppose at least it was honest if nothing else.

Speaking of ovulation trackers. I use the AVA bracelet and have been since Nov '17. It seems to track my ovulation pretty well, the AVA bracelet will confirm ovulation based off of temps/pulse, and then I put the temp into Fertility Friend. Fertility Friend will only confirm ovulation 50% of the time! In April when we conceived our last baby, fertility friend did not give us any type of crosshairs! I just find it interesting. I really like having the ovulation tracker. Takes a lot of guess work out. I am not sure how I would feel about a vaginal sensor though! How does it download the information? To an app? Good luck! Curious to hear how it goes!

Have you decided if you are going to receive the genetic testing on your sweet babe? I wish we would have had that option on our last miscarriage - they never offered it & I didn't even think to ask. I have mixed feelings on if I would have really wanted to know but I think having the option to decide would have been nice.

CD7 today - looking forward to getting this cycle moving! I feel like the first couple weeks drag on. I don't typically get a positive OPK until CD16 - but with taking vitex I might start OPKs a bit sooner just to make sure that if anything shifts with my cycle I catch it.

 

[wifeybby]

Oh KiKi don't feel guilty about that - I really think it's a normal reaction. So many women get scared/nervous/stressed out when babies are too close for comfort in age like you said - I don't think of it as you were happy to lose a baby; you were relieved of the stress having #2 at the time. It's complicated, sure, but I don't think it's a bad thought truly. it's important to be honest with yourself, even if you don't think you're right - but I can see what you mean, and I think it's totally normal.

I was really tempted to use AVA but I wasn't sure how reliable it would be. I love how it takes soooo many factors into consideration, though! I'm glad it's working out great for you, and hope it helps you get the rainbow BFP. The ovusense is like a mini tampon basically, as long as you use it for 4 hours it should get a core temp. You clean it in the morning, then you put it on a reader that connects to your phone, and it downloads the data to an app. Do you have to keep paying for subscriptions to use AVA? I do with ovusense, but haven't decided if I'll do it month-to-month or just pay for a year. I'd like to be optimistic and do it by the month, but knowing me it could take forever to conceive again. Good luck with the vitex! I've tried it as it's all the rave for PCOS girls, but it didn't do a thing for me. I tried it for a couple cycles and wasn't ovulating, so I stopped it. It probably wasn't related to the vitex as I wasn't ovulating much at the time I don't think anyways, but still. I have a hard time with supplements, seem like they just don't do it for me. Damn PCOS.

We did do genetic testing - but we don't have results yet. When it happened, I needed to know why. Now, I'd rather not know. I don't want to envision my perfect baby as malformed or disfigured should something like that come back. Regardless of the cause, it was out of my control. I would rather just know it was fate, my child is at rest and without pain, and move on while honoring them respectively. I go in for a saline ultrasound on the 4th, then I'm due back for a consult to discuss the genetic testing a few days later. I don't know if they'll let me not know the cause -- I'd like to say, if this is something we need to be concerned about in the future with pregnancies, I need to know - but if not, I'd rather not know right now. I'm not exactly sure how DH feels about the testing anymore, we haven't talked about it in a while. Looking forward hurts less than looking back right now, for sure.

Flou, hope you're well! thinking of you.

 

[kiki1234]

There is not a monthly subscription for the Ava bracelet, I believe it costs around $250 initially. It's worked pretty well for me but my cycles are so dang scheduled. Lol. I am so curious to hear how the ovusense works for you! Fingers crossed for you!!

Have you had a saline ultrasound before or is this the first time for that? Do they monitor any labs for you at all during cycles? I just can't get it out of my head that something feels off for me, and I just find it so odd that a cycle I actually conceived is the only cycle on FF that didn't show ovulation. Just weird. It makes me just think that we just got lucky that the egg just randomly stuck. I don't know though - maybe I am just trying to look for a fix where there isn't one. Who knows!

I hear you about just wanting to picture your baby as perfect - I think the same way in that regard. Good luck with your Saline ultrasound!

 

[flou]

Wifey Im currently on cd 30 with no real signs of pg or AF. Fx the witch will stay away. Life is super busy for me at the mo - back to work after the summer (I'm a teacher) and DS starts pre-school next week. He's growing up so fast!

Hi kiki :wave: I am so sorry for your losses and that you find yourself here. I hope it won't be long before you get your rainbow.

 

[wifeybby]

good to hear from you, flou! I'm a school nurse, I totally relate to the back-to-school chaos and exhaustion. Being a mom on top of that, pure exhaustion! hang in there fingers crossed AF stays away keep us posted! :babydust:

I'm not being monitored at all anymore. When I started going to my RE, after some original testing and stuff we did Clomid, then Femara; I took both (separately) for the maximum allowed number of cycles - usually combined with IUI and all BFN. so I was being monitored at that time, with follicle tracking scans and blood work. I usually had good responses; sometimes not; but for the most part I'd get 2-4 follicles ready to O. Since then, he basically said all he can do at this point is IVF. We're saving up money for that, but it's just so expensive. It's like we either use that money to buy a house, or try to get pregnant and hope we deliver a healthy baby. Gut wrenching decision. So yeah, I'm kind of stuck trying naturally until we either come up with a way to pay for IVF or move on to another route like adoption. It just sucks. I hate infertility with such a passion.

I think I'd like to do acupuncture too and see if it has any effect on me.

and kiki, that's amazing you conceived when FF didn't even catch O. It could have been a weak/immature ovulation, that would explain some things. But, who knows. I think there's always room for error with BBT and whatnot.

Having been pregnant (albeit only 8.5 weeks) I feel good in a way knowing I *can* get pregnant. It's not 100% impossible. So, just have to keep trying until I physically can't.

Hope you ladies have a great holiday weekend! DH and I are both off Monday, so we're excited. He works 68 hours a week so we jump for joy when he gets a day off. Well, I do - he'd usually rather make the money.

 

[kiki1234]

Flou: yes back to school season is super busy! Especially with a kiddo AND being a teacher. Good luck with the start of the year!

Wifey: I've heard great things about acupuncture. I hear it can be a little spendy - but I thought I saw somewhere that insurance may cover some? Not sure if thats correct or not. I also find it crazy that I conceived on a cycle that FF didn't say I O'd. I'm thinking it very easily might be r/t weak ovulation. But that's just what I've come up with via google.

Yes just keep trying! You know you can get pregnant and as frustrating and heartbreaking what happened is, it is great that your body got pregnant. Step #1 can be done! I keep telling myself that. You can do it. Your bodies done it once. It can do it again. I feel like I am in a constant peptalk with myself.

Enjoy your time off! I am off Sat/Mon. I'm working my spare job on Sunday. I try to pick up 1-2x/month. Great extra money!

AFM: CD10 currently. Nothing to exciting going on here! Used an OPK yesterday and definitely darker than normal for CD9 - hoping I might O a little earlier than CD18 this time!... I usually get a positive OPK CD16 & CD17.

to all!

 

[flou]

Wifey - keep trying! If you're body has done it once it can do so again. That's what I told myself when ttc DS and I still do. Hoping you get that bfp soon.

Kiki - good luck catching that egg! Sounds as if you may ovulate earlier than usual. I have my fingers crossed for you for a bfp soon!

AFM AF has still not shown and its cd 33. According to Flo app I use I'm 2 days late but the time between AF has been getting longer and they are getting more painful. I don't know if my hormones are little out of whack. Or start of perimenopause (im 37). At the mo I can't face a bfn so I haven't tested. If AF still hasn't come in a few days (cos it does feel as if it might) then I will test. If AF does arrive I think I may arrange an appointment with my GP and see what they think.

 

[lesondemavie]

Hey wifey, I hope you don’t mind me joining here

Hi Kiki, I remember you from ttc#1. I somewhat feel the same, but not really it’s weird. I told my babe often that he or she came too fast too soon too easy...ugh but I still wanted that little bugger and I wanted to be done ttc for good.

I just found out about my mmc this past Friday after a strong hb and growth just a week and a half earlier at 8 weeks. Maybe I’m still in shock but it helps to think about the next chance right now. I’m struggling the most with letting go of timelines I have in my head. I go in tomorrow to see my RE to schedule my D&C and I’m hoping she says we can try right away after that. So hopefully if my body does what it did last time, I’ll be back in with a shot at a babe again late this month.

Going through this yet again is tough, but DD makes my whole world bright no matter what’s going on. Everything could be burning around me and I’d be ok with her in my arms. I hope those of you ttc#1 get that some day too. I started a thread just for TTC#1AL the last time bc it really is different to go through this when you’re not yet a mama so I just hope you know I get that part of it add time on top of it and ugh the pits like sand slipping through your fingers. The only thing that kept me going is the thought that one day, some way, some how it will work. Sorry if this all sounds a bit mechanical. I just feel detached. I celebrate every moment of good news when pg but I don’t invest my heart in the future. I did that with my first and it just hurt way too much. It’s sad but already at 2 MMCs it just feels expected and routine. You know how they say the average risk of miscarriage is 25% well for me after 4 pregnancies it’s opposite - that’s my odds of having a live birth.

All the best to everyone here and I’ll give you an update when I have one

 

[flou]

Im sorry for your losses lesondemavie. I too have had 4 pregnancies and only 1 take home baby from pregnancy number 3. I hope you get your rainbow soon.

 

[lesondemavie]

I guess my RE wants us to wait one cycle. I’m going to ask her more about why when I can but right now I have to just deal with getting a new referral so I can schedule my D&C. Hoping we can do it tomorrow.

 

[wifeybby]

so sorry you're here les. This just flat out sucks. I wish I could jump through the screen and give you a hug, eat some comfort food and netflix. I can't believe we're both here after everything. These cards of life per se are ridiculously unfair. I don't understand it.. It's devastating how everything is perfect until it's not. Good luck scheduling your D&C It's hard. Like, it's totally the opposite of what you planned on in terms of no longer carrying this baby. I hated that thought - I wanted to give birth (at home, in a hospital, in a manger ffs); not go into surgery for "evacuation of products of conception"... I'll never forget my last breath before they put me to sleep.. I'm rambling. My heart is just breaking for you Les. I'm here for you every step of the way.

I told my RE I didn't really want to know the results of the karotyping today at my SHG. He said he still wants to have a consult and talk, and told me to open with that next week (Monday) and see where the conversation leads. If I need to know, I need to know - if I don't need to know, I'm healing the best I can. I don't need dehiscense. I wish he could put it in an envelope and I can open it when I'm ready. I'm not sure why he wants to talk "regardless". And he made it sound like they STILL don't have the karyotyping results back. I don't know if he has impending doom type news for me Monday or what. Luckily I have the day off - DH and I were just talking about having a fun day, that he'd take off work too and we'd just go do something fun. This is the furthest from it.