Hello my Mamacitas....
I read everyone's posts and I have to say that I win the award for junk written and personal business told.
As you can tell I am doing much better than I was last week. I miscarried.
Then I cried some more, then I sat around and moped and I just don't like moping at all. The hardest part was carrying around a pregnancy that was dying. The hope you have...you try to convince yourself that they might have been wrong...yada yada...
Well, I have not been back to the hospital because I have convinced myself that if the old doctor had given me progesterone to build up my lining like I asked him to, I would not have miscarried, but he does not morally agree with 'saving a pregnancy that might fail' so here I am... two little lights gone instead of just one..
I have only made a few decisions concerning my future fertility... I am going to call and ask one more time for a progesterone test (this would be my fourth time asking) if they don't give it to me, I will order progesterone online myself, and then try my best to switch to Tricare Standard and pick my own doctor.
It took me 3 months to get pregnant again after my last miscarriage, but I am certain I o'd on my blocked side at least one of those 2 months (got pregnant on third).. Hopefully I don't o on my right side and I can conceive again right away, but I know NOTHING about progesterone. I also decided I am going to get ovulation tests and see if I can do better than I did before using them. I wanted to be pregnant before the end of this year so I could have the baby before I turned 35. I figure to push myself like that though only adds more stress than what I am already under.
If my doctor won't give me a progesterone test, will you ladies that have been on it tell me what is the best form to use and how much and all that kind of stuff. I know that you do not have to have a doctors order for it and that a lot of people use it on their own. I did not realize that a doctor could not prescribe something because of their own moral beliefs and if they do not agree with saving a pregnancy if your body don't do it on it's own. When he told me my lining was thin, I told him that I was only 3 weeks along. I asked him was it normal, to give me a test to check, but he said it wasn't needed. He told me my lining was thin and then did nothing because of his own moral belief that I should be able to save my pregnancy, not some medicine. A week and a half later another doctor (a woman) told me that my lining had thickened a bit.. I asked her was the centimeter that my lining was when she measured it, normal for early pregnancy, and she said it can be normal for you. They tried to convince me everything was great even though they knew that my lining was not right from the beginning and I was too hopeful.
Hindsight really is sucky. Now I have trouble thinking about relying on some old idiot to help me with a pregnancy. Plus, I am more aware of how relying on another person because of their supposed schooling is a mistake when they get to morally deny you what can save your babies life, without even asking you what you prefer. I never thought about finding a doctor that would go with what I felt morally instead of what their morals are. I don't want someone else's beliefs letting my pregnancy die. I don't want a doctor that can say, "if a pregnancy terminates there was probably something else wrong and progesterone would only aid in saving a bad pregnancy."
That never entered my mind that I would be the one to find the one old idiot that would have morality issues with prescribing progesterone. How is it that of all the doctors in Washington State I get stuck with the two old idiots that deny my pregnancy in every way possible; one denied existence and one denied saving. I have to be so very unlucky with medical people.
ANYWHOWHO.... I am doing better. I only cry when my hubby tells me it's gonna be ok and we will try again and again and again if we need to. I know I won't make it that long. I felt for a while like I had lost my faith and of all things in this world I love my God more than Milky Way caramel bars, (and that is A LOT!) I know I can't go through many more losses and maintain my hope.
Sometimes when I feel really low I think about my aunt. She had a tubal reversal about 20 years ago when they were first becoming available to the masses.. She kept having tubal pregnancies and ended up having to have a full hysterectomy because of the reversal. She never carried a pregnancy again. I know that story sounds bad, but it really isn't because about 12 years or so ago, her husband's daughter (from his first marriage) got on drugs really badly and during the course of a few years had 5 kids. They took every one of the children from her as soon as her labor was over and she had no parental rights at all from their birth. My aunt now has two sons that she was given at their birth to raise..
I always try to keep in my heart that even though I have lost and keep losing, some things come to you when you least expect it and ofttimes not in the way you would have preferred, but more beautiful for the struggle.
I have missed you chicks!
What are you going to do your nursery in Brandy? Are you gonna do the matching twin names? I told Daniel (my hottie) that we can name our children Edwin and Edwina... too much trouble to use my imagination.
One other thing... LLawson... that cake was beautiful! It was a beautifully fancy piece of artwork. I love cake! I want a three-tiered cake covered in Raisinets.. ha ha..