Choose a partner wisely: snookis parenting method.. like honestly gag...i really cant believe shes preg !!!!!!!!!!
“Whoever I have babies with has to be Italian. I want my kids’ last name to have a vowel on it ... and be tanned, obviously.”
Procreation can still be recreation:
“Whisky sex is the best. It’s when a guy can’t have sex for like five hours because he’s so drunk. Or his penis is so drunk.”
With pregnancy, come the cravings:
“Pickles is my thing.”
And your body will change:
“Uh, my ass is, like, protruding ... Protruding. The word of the day. Use it.”
Plus, it’s no longer your own:
“If we go to a club, I have to poop my pants. If we go to a party, I have to poop my pants, if I go on a date, like this, with a hot guy, I have to poop my pants.”
A little drink now and then won’t hurt you:
“Any pinot’s OK. Pregnant people do it.”
But everything in moderation:
“I can have a good time without drinking, f--k you, alcohol.”
You only think giving birth is easy:
“I delivered a friggin’ calf from a cow!”
But it’s really not:
“It’s like putting a watermelon into a pinhole.”
And you may be sore for some time:
“Ow. It hurts my vagina.”
Or need your own space:
“My bed is my bed and I peed in it last year, so who would want to sleep in that bed?”
Once the baby arrives, treat boys and girls differently:
“Guys are douchebags and I hate them all. They don’t know how to deal with women, and I feel that’s why the lesbian rate is going up in this country.”
Always guard against rashes:
“If it’s, like, a smush, you gotta put lotion on your butt.”
And be careful of the language you use around children:
“We say ‘tits,’ not ‘breasts,’ so she probably won’t even know it was us.”
Make sure to have lots of toys:
“I call my vibrator the Elmo because, tickle me Elmo, ya know what i mean...?”
Don’t be afraid of overfeeding:
“You can see the shaping of his wiener. And let me tell you, it wasn’t even that big.”
Or giving tough love:
“I’m not kissing you because you have throw-up breath.”
But go easy on yourself, New Mom—you can’t do it all:
“My first thought was: I don’t wanna clean this up. My second thought was: I just f--ked up dinner. My third thought was: What the f--k am I gonna eat?!”
And remember, motherhood will change you forever:
“This is my family and I don’t want anyone coming in the house and f--king anything up because I will kill you, I don’t care if I’m small, I will kick you.”
