As you guys know, I've been feeling some strange, mixed emotions about TTC in 2 months. Part of me is completely terrified and not really sure if I'm ready, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. I worry that I won't be a good enough mom, I worry that I am selfish and could maybe resent the baby, and I'm scared that I will feel drained. I'm really not trying to be a pessimist. I just know that some women bond really well with their babies, and some don't, and I don't want to be that woman who doesn't.
I know this is going to make me sound ridiculous, but I love my puppy to pieces. I cradle her like a baby, I love nurturing her, and when I found out she had to be on antibiotics because she contracted anaplasmosis from a deer tick, I was protective and worried and concerned and proactive. And when she was a pup, she had a bone bruise in her hind leg and needed a splint, and she cried when she went to the vet, and she moaned the whole day. It broke my heart and I cradled her all day. I did my very best to soothe her. Now she is over a year old and is completely healed, and her legs are super strong, and she is mischievous and plays and runs at warp speed. Now you may laugh that I'm so wrapped up with my puppy, but to me it stands to reason that if I am capable of caring for and loving a dog so strongly, how much more so will I be able to care for my own flesh and blood.
I spent the entire day with my mom yesterday. I got to hear stories of when she was pregnant, that how even though I was unexpected, how she was super excited the minute she knew she was having me. She knew for sure that she wanted to be a mom. She used cloth diapers with me most of the time and used disposables occasionally when we went on an outing. We went shopping yesterday, and we bought some OPK's and a Mickey Mouse & friends night light. I saw so many cute things for kids, like room decorations and coloring books and activity books and crayons and stickers.
I talked to DH last night and asked him if we are ready to start in September. He replied with the question "is anyone ever really ready?" He does have a good point. I said well it could be the difference between going on an all-inclusive vacation yearly just the two of us, or Disney every 5 years. I'm not trying to be selfish, it's just that since we've known each other, we've only gone on 2 vacations out of our own state. I've been feeling a bit restless and itchy if you know what I mean. My passport has expired. I used to live in Spain. While I love my home, there is still so much more out there that I really want to see. I know that having a LO doesn't preclude that, but it will make it more challenging.
Also, DH and I are 31. If not now... when? I honestly would have preferred a 20 year age difference between my child, not 30 like it would be now, and certainly not 40.
I didn't intend for this to be so long. I just needed to get this out. I guess I should paste this into my journal